How to Get 3 Yr Old to Eat on Own

My sister had a problem with picky eaters as well and said she had started to just put all the food in the middle of the table and put empty plates on the table. Then she and her husband would dish up their own food and start to eat. She said it didn't take too long before the kids were asking for food. My sister got the idea from watching the tv show The Dr's. The dr's gave this as a solution to picky or non eaters because they said that a child isn't going to starve themselves. So as long as you provide healthy food choices, just let them decide what they want and they'll be fine.
My sister says it works for her kids.

Strap her into a high chair and put her food on the tray. Tell her that she has to stay there until she is done. She's going to end up with an eating disorder if you do not fix it now. Stop spoon feeding her. At age 2, she should have been feeding herself all the time. Give her fun foods like mac and cheese, animal shaped chicken nuggets, jello squares and other foods in fun shapes. Maybe it will help.

If she isn't delayed at all and simply a slow/picky eater than I would encourage you to not feed her. I mean, don't spoon feed her. Have set meal times where she can sit down and eat at her own pace. There is nothing wrong with being a slow eater. If she is hungry she will eat. Then make sure she gets healthy snacks in between. With both of my kids, the bottom shelf in the pantry is stocked with green light foods (foods they can eat at anytime) same with the fridge - they can get carrots, apples, cut up veggies, etc.. from there. Since I've done this and encouraged grazing, they eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full. When you are in a hurry and don't have time for her to spend an hour and a half eating a meal, then pack a meal to go or make a smoothie, that way she can drink her meal. I wouldn't worry about when she is in school. Again, she WILL eat when she is hungry, plus she'll have playmates that she may want to copy.

I know it's frustrating, especially when you have a little one too, but I wouldn't make this a battle. My son is 3.5, eats anything and everything but he too will only take a couple of bites at times. I don't sweat it because it simply means he isn't hungry. With him, as long as the meal does't spoil, I'll leave it out for a bit in case he comes back. But usually, he tells me right away if he is done or not. Maybe even have her help with some food prep? I know my kids ALWAYS eat food that they have helped prepare.

Best wishes,
M.

STOP!! Why would you want to continue?? Unfortunately you have created a habit and it will take some time to break it but not impossible. Put her food down and tell her that it will be gone in 15 minutes, or 1/2 hour which ever you are comfortable with. Then do it and stay consistent. It might take a week or two maybe even more but in the long run it will work and be worth it. As long as she is developing naturally DON'T MAKE EATING AN ISSUS. Eating and toileting are two issues that we carry through our lives please don't make this a big issue. If she is hungry she will eat don't make it a power play.

me.........mom to three all picky eaters for a while and a therapist to special needs children

Wow! She has trained you very well! Is your fear that she will starve if you do not feed her or give her 1 1/2 hour meals? Do you think she is not able to survive otherwise? You said she eats well when she is hungry. Why are you feeding her when she is not? You need to stop this! Have regular meals on a regular schedule, ALLOW her to feed herself, because this is a major life skill, and always have healthy snacks available for between meals. Stop fearing, start using your common sense. Your daughter is who she is. She is not a large person. She is not an overeater. She is low on the scale for her age. So what? She is healthy and developmentally on target. So relax! You are exacerbating this problem with your behavior. If you stop spoon feeding her and giving her forever to eat, she will learn.

Hi R.,
Oh how I understand the food issue! My daughter is 5 at the end of the month and I'm soooo glad we are better. My daughter got really picky at 2 and tried to decide what I fed her. It was her area of control. It was an issue for about 2 years. Last Christmas time she started refusing to eat and I would try to force her, only to have make herself throw up by coughing so hard. (This happened once when she was sick. She coughed so hard and then threw up. Then she started doing it over food). That was a big wake up call.

A couple things that worked and that I realized. You cannot make kids eat. You cannot force feed them. But she will eat when she is hungry. They also learn by example. Eat together as a family for 3 meals. Sit down and when the family is done, then everyone is done. If she didn't eat what was in front of her, then she got nothing else until the next meal. No snacks no cookies no treats, not even healthy things. I know this is so different then what she's been doing but I do think she's now manipulating you. She's almost 3 so fully understands you and is either deciding to do this or doesn't know anything different. I stopped making it an issue. We sit down for breakfast and I give her 2 choices. Lunch is also more flexible since it was just the 2 of us most of the time. Dinner she ate what we at as a family (salmon, fish,chicken) Usually stuff she refused in the past to even try.

Once I stopped making it an issue and was consistent with this, she knew what to expect. Decide to make some changes and then explain to your daughter that this is the new way we're doing things. She can eat on her own too. She will eat if she is hungry.

Just my thoughts since 1 year ago we had food arguments and throwing up. Now we have an amazing eater. Who eats what I give her, tries new things and has come full circle with this. Feel free to message me if you'd like.

Good luck!
A.

I would talk to your pediatrician, but I think they will say offer food, leave it for a half hour and then take it away. If she eats well and quickly when she is hungry, then she is clearly capable of eating on her own. It is really ahrd for little ones to break habits, and her habit is for you to feed her and to take as long as you need to do it. My 2 1/2 year old has gained no weight since his last appointment 7 months ago, and the doctor said offer him what everyone else eats, and if he doesn't eat it don't worry. As long as they are energetic and playful and developing properly that is what matters. But, I think you should definitely check with your pediatrician first.

It sounds like you need to try the John+Kate+Eight approach. Unless there is a physical/medical reason that your daughter won't eat, kids don't starve themselves. They will eventually get hungary and eat. In our house we have set meal times, our son eats what is put out for him and if he doesn't want to eat it after 15-20 minutes, then he's done for the meal. He has to wait for the next one after that. Trust me, if your child is hungary she will eat and learn to feed herself.

I think you need to put aside your low weight concerns for a bit. If she is hungry, she will learn to eat. Together you have created a behavior--your enormous time and energy in feeding her--and it will be hard to break. It is so hard to not worry but I think you have the right idea: you don't want her to be spoon fed in kindergarden. She shouldn't be spoon fed at 3 or 4. Now your project is to make her an independent eater.

So create new habits: but remember, they will take a long time to stick. The timer is a good place to start--set it to an hour and let her know that is when the food goes away. If she cries, she cries. Eventually (and it could take MONTHS, even a year or more), she will become more accustomed to this.

About calories and weight: make pediasure a staple. And always look for high calorie/high good fat foods. Whole milk yogurt, nuts and nut butters, eggs, cheese, whole grain bread and cereals. You want to make sure she is getting the most bang for her buck.

i dont mean to be mean when i say this but i think that it is wrong for you to feed your daughter while she plays like that. it doesnt teach them good eating habits. but i do see why you do it so you can make sure she eats something. what i do with my daughter (shes 20 months) is she is to sit in her booster chair till she is done with her meal. she will tell me that shes all done and ill say are you sure eat some more (she usually will finish what i give her). if she doesnt or she fights me feeding her (she sometimes likes me to feed her) i throw her food away and she has to wait till her next meal to eat (she may get a small snack). your daughter seems very bright i would tell her that since she is a big girl she needs to sit at the table to eat and then explain to her that if she gets up (unless she has to go potty) to play then she gets no more food and it will be thrown away. im sure she will understand and you may have a little fight on your hands with it but take it slow. good luck i hope this is helpful!

Hi R., I have a lot to say, but will try to keep it short. OK, I am a mom to a 19 year old that was on the 3% growth chart at times and hardly ever ate at the same age as your daughter. The Dr. told me to keep a log of what he ate. That was my job. Offer him food and write down what and how much he ate for 2 weeks. (I think he did that to just keep me busy btw) then I saw him again and he said that he was fine. My dad died of childhood diabetes at a young age and I worried that my son may be struggling as well. His tests were normal... he was a normal kid that was developmentally on target but just small. I didn't stress myself about it after that. I didn't force feed him or feed him by spoon either. Remember.. we are watching the development as well and at age 3 they should be feeding themselves. So, I let him go. He of course developed and grew just like any other kid and is 6 feet tall and 155 pounds. (yes tall and skinny) and he played football and he wrestled and was a completely healthy active normal kid. (that ate like a horse)
Ok that was then. Now lets talk about now.
Currently I have a 23 month old boy that I am fostering. He came into the system and went to someone else's house first. That first foster mom took him off the bottle (at 19 months) and taught him how to use a fork and spoon and how to eat solid food. (he acted as though he was still being spoon fed at the time or would only eat "fast food") So when I took over his care 2 and a half months ago, he was still having issues in regards to food. I quickly found out that his issues were almost all control. We have had some interesting times at the dinner table. One of his favorites is to put as much food in his mouth as possible and "chipmunk it". He places it in both cheeks and then would just sit there for hours not spitting it out or chewing and swallowing. Eventually I had to force his mouth open (against his will) and swipe him while he tried to bite me. This was at almost 10pm at night after he sat there with us coaxing him, offering him drinks, everything that we could think of. He still does this regularly... just not with a full mouth since we supervise him 100%, but he will hold food in his mouth and not spit it out or chew it. Now most of his control is to just not eat. We will offer him a food that he has eaten numerous times and then suddenly he refuses it. His sister (who lives with us as well and is 7) tells us that he will eat if you feed him the baby's food. (the baby is 10 months old and is eating stage three baby food) I am not about to allow him to regress and "feed" him. He has made great strides and is doing well developmentally. I would not be doing him any favors to help him regress. This is up to him. One of the posters told you to have 3 meals a day and offer her the food and when everyone else is done, pick up her food as well. Guess what?? That is the BEST advice EVER!!! That is exactly what we do and you would not believe what a great eater this little guy is now. We eat lunch and then all my little guys go down for a nap afterwards. If he doesn't eat or won't then he goes down first. We eat dinner and then have our bedtime routine and bed and if he doesn't eat then he is the first to get started on bed time. It didn't take long for him to get hungry and begin eating like crazy at the next mealtime. He isn't even two and is beginning to settle into life and food. I am praying that he will not use food to deal with the emotional issues that he has or will have with his parents not caring for him. The last thing that he needs is to use food as his stress reducer like so many others. That is what he was doing by the way. He couldn't control the fact that he had been taking from his parents but he was going to control this one thing because of his anger, sadness and loss.
So all of that to say that you have an issue here that is really not about food. She is using the food to deal with the issue. You may need to examine your time spent with her (outside of the hour and a half feeding time). Perhaps if you begin to make meals 30 minutes and then spend the other hour playing with play-doh or painting or doing an outside activity or something... you will see that she will eventually figure out the food issue. Routine and schedules are the best for kids (contrary to what people say) they really do NEED structure and that is even in mealtimes.
Good luck and I hope that you can overcome this!!!!

I'd like to see responses as well. My 2-year old is like this and starting preschool in January.

Hi R.,
My 37 MO daughter likes to be spoon fed by the family (Mom, Dad, Sis, & Grandma). Everyone but sis is guilty of feeding her when she asks. When she is at school she feeds herself just fine, I have asked. The school thinks it is a bonding thing, which I don't know that I quite understand/buy, but I do know she is capable. Her older sister just tells her, "No, you feed yourself" and she does. When I tell her that she just sits there.

I will have to watch for future posts...someone to tell us we need to break this bad habit =(

Hi R.,

You sound like a wonderful mom! I really hear how tired you are. With a new baby in the house, it is really hard for your 3 yr. old too. You both need and deserve support.
I just read some of the other responses and some of these moms are really hardcore. Do not listen to anyone who is mean or critical. You are doing a great job and you have been responding to real needs that your daughter has....you have great instincts. As moms, we need ideas and suggestions, not badgering. Take the info and ignore the judgements.

Two things:

1. She sounds like a "grazer". That could be a good thing for her health. I did not try to control my kids eating, as long as they ate healthy food. Get out a muffin tin. Fill the cups with a varity of healthy finger food...this could even be little chunks of protein, fruit and veggies. Make sure to fill one cup with "dip". This could also be healthy, like hummus or yogurt. Set it in an aluminum cake pan with some crushed ice and leave it out in the kitchen for her to munch on throughout the day. She is still a baby. School is a long way off and she will want to eat with her friends as a social bonding activity. When she has play dates, make a big deal of setting a cute little table and putting food in kid sized servers and having them all sit around the table...she may not like it at first, but she'll get the hang of it!

2. Eating time has become a bonding activity for her. If you could have mommy to yourself for a long time, with her focusing just on you, why not? Let eating time be less charged with your attention and set aside bonding time doing something else....reading, cooking(she may get excited to eat what she cooks), working in the garden. Set aside a special 30 minutes for her each day(Can your husband help with this?) and do whatever activity SHE chooses....dolls, puzzles, coloring, dancing....just not eating. Shift the focus. Don't let eating substitute for attention and don't let it be a power struggle.

Who cares if your 3 yr. old eats differently or is on a different schedule. You sound like a great family and she will grow up to be wonderful. Trust yourself, believe in her, continue to be loving!I guarantee you that you will not still be feeding her when she goes off to college!

N.

Have you talked to your pediatrician about this? It sounds behavioral or physical to me. It sounds to me like you're doing everything correct.-www.weelicious.com

I would keep doing what you're doing, but I would only give her about 45 minutes with the food. When you take it away, be very calm and matter of fact. If she cries, don't give in or try to soothe her. Just say, "I'm sorry, but lunchtime is over. You'll get dinner at dinnertime." Don't give her snacks, either - just meals. DO NOT worry that she'll be malnourished, or that you're a bad mom, or that kids need snacks. It is YOUR job to provide healthy foods and model healthy eating (including sitting at a table for meals.) It is HER job to eat. Even if she's very, very stubborn, she'll eventually figure it out. Don't stress.

Three of my 4 kids weren't really interested in eating. One, my oldest, is 22 and still thin. My 13 year old is very thin and small for his age. That's OK - humans aren't supposed to look like we were made with cookie cutters. They both eat appropriate amounts and actually prefer healthy food.

My youngest was always terribly disinterested in eating. She hit all her developmental milestones and was energetic and happy, but it took her until she was almost 1 1/2 to hit the 5th percentile on the weight charts. We tried not to freak out, even when people said rude things like, "Don't you ever feed her?" (My husband and I are quite round, and some people seemed to feel that the only reason our daughter was thin is if we denied her food or something. It was infuriating.) Now she's 10, and starting to get chunky, and people are hinting that we should put her "on a diet." Sigh!! All things even out in time.

HI R.,

You are clearly a great mom and doing the best you know how with your kids! First, talk with her Dr. it sounds like she just might be a small kid (someone has to be at the bottom of the growth charts!). But make sure that there's not something that has been missed.

Then, get "Child of Mine" by Ellyn Satter (check Amazon or your library) and read it. You'll feel much better after you do, and relieved, too! Her approach (hard to boil a couple hundred pages into a few sentances....) is to regularly offer balanced, nutritious, age-appropriate meals to your child, and let her eat as much as she wants of whatever you're offering at that meal/snack. She will learn to eat on her own, to meet her nutritional needs.

Do make sure that you're sitting down with her, eating with her (as much as possible serve her whatever you're eating yourself) to make meals a social time. As long as she's healthy and physically capible of eating, she'll be fine. Eating is HER job, not yours! :-)

Good luck, you're in for a tough couple of weeks, but I think you'll feel much better once you've given the responsiblity of eating back to her.

take care
C.

Hi R.,

Hmm. Wow--that's a lot of time you are spending in the kitchen at your dinner table. I feel for you!

My niece and nephew are slow/picky eaters, and I know that if they are denied snacks, that they will eat their meals at a normal pace and consume a quantity that satisfies their parents. My niece is a slower eater when the t.v. is on, so my sister removes all distractions from her if she slows down.

My son is a good eater, but he will not eat well at mealtime if he has had too many snacks or too large of a snack--so often, a snack is something small (like a cheese stick) and snacks are not automatically offered every day. I just try to keep mealtimes at around the same time every day and I provide him with a calcium, protein, complex carb, and fruit/vegetable option at each meal so that I know he is satisfied and will remain relatively so until the next meal.

If I were you, I don't know that I would want to spoon-feed a three year-old either. I understand your concern about this, especially since you have a baby. I think part of growing up in a family is learning about mealtimes (in whichever form a family defines that for themselves); so, I don't think it's a unreasonable request for you to ask your daughter to eat a meal within a certain time period. An hour and a half seems like an awfully long period of time to devote to eating (unless you are eating a five-course meal in a fancy restaurant)!

Like you, I would probably remove the food after a reasonable amount of time (45 minutes? an hour?)--however, since you mention that your daughter has had trouble maintaining a healthy weight, I would ask your pediatrician about how to transition her to eat more like a big girl. Perhaps you can entice her with some Pediasure if calories are a big concern. Some kids just don't need to consume very many calories--girls certainly less than boys--so maybe this is an issue of learning what a socially acceptable mealtime is versus a real concern over the calories she's getting (since you say that she's achieving the appropriate milestones).

This might just be something that she outgrows on her own if you just stop spoon-feeding her and/or remove her plate after an established time period. She will have to adjust somewhat once she begins school since there is only a certain amount of time allotted for snacks and lunch. She will probably do this just fine as a result of "peer pressure."

On a side note--my son announced today that he didn't want a sandwich at lunchtime. He only wanted fruit. I said okay, but that lunchtime was now and that he should not expect to get a sandwich later since lunch would be over when he got up from the table. He said okay. Sure enough, an hour later he wanted a sandwich. I repeated that lunch was over, but that he could have a very small snack now (three crackers), but that would be it until dinner. I also told him that when it's lunchtime, we eat, and if tomorrow he didn't eat a full lunch when he was hungry, that there would be nothing more to eat until dinnertime. He's never done this before, so it's a bit odd (which is why I gave him the very small snack)--but hey, I don't want to be making lunch all day long.

In general, I view snacks as options only if he's eaten well at the previous meal and it's still a while before the next meal. This works for my kid and my family's beliefs; I know there are a lot of opinions on eating out there...

Happy Eating!
:-) D.

I am really not an expert, but my feeling is that your daughter is going to be fine. I know about worrying, I tend to be a very worrying mom, so hopefully you will be able to relax a little about getting her to eat. I can understand why you would be so concerned and do so much to try to get her to eat, but some kids are simply small. The growth charts are only an indication of the majority of the population, it does not mean that your daughter is "too small" or anything of the sort.

I have two boys that were topping the charts since birth, then my younger son (who was 10 lbs. 6 oz. at birth) slowed down and was in the 25% and below for quite a while. He didn't grow much at all from about 15 mos. to 2 yrs. It worried me, but I had to keep reminding myself that he is unique and he may just be a small kid (my husband was pretty small as a kid, but I didn't expect this from my baby who was so big at birth!).

A friend of mine has 3 girls, one of whom is the same age as my firstborn son. As we watched them grow together, they were almost always the same height, but my son was a chunk and her daughter was, and still is, as skinny as anything (and the funny thing is that she has a much bigger appetite than my son). The doctor was always concerned about her weight, and my poor friend was always so worried because the doctor was always worried, but that is just her daughter's make-up, and the same with her other 2 girls. They are all as healthy and perfect as can be in every other way, they are just really skinny.

My boys are on the bigger side of average, but even I tend to worry a lot when they don't eat what I think they should. There are some meals where they will only take a bite or two, and others (rarely) when they are asking for more. I have always heard that when a child is hungry, they will eat. I try to remind myself of that, too, when my kids decide to eat so little.

I think you got some good tips here about managing meal times and I don't think I can add anything helpful; my feeling is to go with that, and keep reminding yourself that your daughter is just perfect the way she is, as small as she is. And hopefully it won't worry you so much, even if she only eats a little bit. She will get what she needs. I hope you find helpful suggestions here and wish you all the best!