I've really enjoyed reading posts from all of the fellow moms out there, so I decided to put a question out there. Most of us probably know the terrible tantrum. My 3 1/2 yr old son has them...not often, but when they occur, they are no less than 45 min. long (sometimes an hour and a half). I try everything I can think of; putting him in his room, telling him that he can come join us when he's calm (he only runs right after me screaming - EVERY time I take him back to the designated spot); staying by him so he doesn't hurt anything in his room; holding him when he starts kicking and hurting me; walking away when I reach my limit. I have yet to find a response that seems to work. I know many people handle tantrums in many different ways but I'd love to hear some approaches that have worked for other moms.
My son is a wonderful boy, articulate, funny, caring, and the tantrums don't happen often (mostly before bed or nap, obviously connected to being overtired).
When you find out let me know!!!!! LOL I have a 3 year old and have the same things going on just not as long.
Try finding him a soothing activity. Somthing to help him calm down. Building block towers or playing with water are two that I know of. I also get my kids bean bin (the old infant tub filled with dried beans) out. It might help him calm down enough to commincate his problems. Also if he is getting that over tired maybe he should got down earlier.
How willing are you to humiliate yourself? This is one solution a friend's sister pulled on her tantrum throwing child did wonders. They were in a mall & dear little "Samantha" threw one of her tantrums. Mom stopped, dropped & started kicking. YES! She literally threw her own tantrum while her dazed & confused child watched. It was funny & the tantrums stopped...for her. So, again, you have to find what works for you. Best of Luck!
I ignore tantrums. I don't believe in rewarding bad behavior with attention, so I don't "hear" my son when he shrieks and hollers.
The hard and fast rule in this house is that we do NOT hurt people or pets and my son understood this when he was going through the 3 1/2 year old temper tantrum stage so I didn't have to deal with him attacking me.
If I'd been worried about him destroying anything in his room I would have removed anything and everything that was potentially breakable or dangerous. My son also had a childproof door handle so he couldn't wander the house unattended while we were sleeping, so I could physically put him in his room to calm down without having to stay with him. I wouldn't stay with him while he was having a tantrum because I would have viewed that as rewarding negative behavior.
Hang in there. This is a stage that isn't going to last much longer. When he turns four he'll magically morph into an unbelievably helpful, sweet little angel and you'll be scratching your head wondering if you'd imagined those mega meltdowns of six months ago!
We had this problem with my son between 2.5 and 3, It really bugged me because i could not figure out how to stop for the longest time....
So i made him a time in spot, for when he felt tired, frustrated or emotional. It was a spot in the corner, with a bean bag chair and a bookshelf, and quiet toys.
So when he would start to get upset, I would ask him if he wanted to go take a breather and talk about it. Usually he would go to his special spot (as he called it) Then about 5 min later he would come out and we would talk about what got him upset and go from there!!
We also would talk about emotions when he was in a good mood, and would talk to him about using his words when he got upset. That was one thing that really helped him get over his tantrums. Now he will tell me if hes frustrated or upset or really happy!
Best of luck to you. It does get better. lol.
Hi W.,
Have you looked into food allergies? I know its a long shot but my daughter throws tremendous tantrums, although much more frequently than your son, and her speech therapist(she has hearing problems)suggested keeping a food diary to see if I can find a connection between food and mood. I don't think there is a connection with my child but who knows? Also, it was kind of revealing to have someone examine what I was really putting into my children when I thought I was feeding them so healthy!
I know that this may be corny as well, but it really has worked for me. I watched "supernanny" with my 2 year old and told her that we are going to do EXACTLY what she saw on TV. The first tantrum lasted for over 2 hours of me putting her in a corner every 1-2 minutes. There was biting, kicking, screaming, tearing off clothes, etc. Be sure to tell him in a firm voice at eye level why he is being punished and then put him in your designated spot. Do not talk to your child until time out is finished! After tell him again why he was put there and ask for an apology. Then give him a hug and kiss and send him on his way. Don't overdo the explanation.
We suffered through about a week of this before she realized that tantrums were not getting her anywhere.
I don't think I would send him to his room either because he may associate his room with being punished and you can start having difficulty getting him to bed. Also, there are no bedrooms at the store or in the park. You need something portable. We have reached the point now where I can put her down anywhere and tell her she is in timeout and she will stay for the full 2 minutes. She still screams like a banshee but we are making progress and the tantrums rarely last more than a couple minutes and are fewer now.
I would caution against holding him during his tantrum because this does not teach him to calm himself down and regulate his own temper. It's kinda like rocking your child to a deep sleep every night, you know that you can get them to sleep, BUT they will grow up not being able to put themselves to sleep on their own. Definetely cuddle your son, but not during the episode.
I hope this helps.
W.,
My son is 4 1/2 and can still have some amazing tantrums. They are very infrequent now (thankfully). He was always good about staying in his room.
One thing that might work is talking with your son during a calm time to see if he can come up with some ideas on how to handle his meltdowns.
Hope this helps,
Melissa
Hello W.,
I too had to deal with temper tantrums. When my kids acted up I did 3 things that seemed to have worked. 1st I'd sit on the floor with my legs crossed and hold them with their backs against my chest and my arms crossed in front of their chests and just sat there,when that didn't work I just ignored them.If it involves other kids I removed that child from the area and took him/her to the bedroom and left, if still in temper mood I took the child back to the room. After awhile the child calmed down and went back to what he/she was doing.If the tantrum happens in a public like the store,playground,library etc. its best to take the child and leave and try it again once the child calms down.
Hope this information has helped you.
Good Luck and God Bless.
A.
I'm single mom of 5 kids raising them on my own plus I work during the day while they are in school. My kids are 19,17,14,11 and 6. My 19 yr. is currently attending college while the others are in 10th,7th,5th and 1st.. the school yr. will come to end on May 19th
this requires a bit of work in advance...
so basically i made my sons room totally safe. nothing in there that could hurt him if he tried to throw it etc etc.
no dresser that could fall over (you get the idea).
and when he would throw a fit i would say, you need to go into you room and stay there until you can find your sweet self. i let him know that i would be right there (on the other side of the door), waiting for him to return. and he would go in there a FREAK OUT. kick the door. throw stuff. and i would calmly remind him that it was totally fine to be mad, and that as soon as he found his sweet self he could come out. over and over i'd say this (i think once he was in there for 45 minutes).
but after about a week he stopped doing it. and now i can just remind him about his sweet self and he will take a deep breathe, and make a quick recovery.
*did i mention you have to hold the door shut, or put on a reverse lock. (kinda lame i know- but it only took a week).
good luck.
hopefully someone will have the perfect answer for you.
AND i swear this was done (by me) with a ton of love and compasion. it was not a mean act. but it was very very hard.
Picking him up and holding him close when the tantrum first occurs is probably the best interest. I found that the tantrums occured when my kids had no control over their emotions or a situation. Holding them and letting them know that you're there for them, asking them what happened, what do they need. Centering them in that moment. You have a daughter who just turned 1, could be he's begging for attention and he gets it when the tantrum happens, any attention, good or bad, is all he needs "Look at me!" You might ask his daycare provider if the tantrums happen when you're not around. Hug him, talk with him. Explain that hitting and kicking aren't right. That you will listen and he doesn't have to hurt people to get their attention. Best of luck!!
My favorite parenting author, John Rosemond, recommends putting them in their room (well child proofed, toys kept elsewhere) for such an event, or designating a place for tantrums, such as the rug on the bathroom floor. It is so silly that it takes them off guard somewhat, and gets the tantrum out of your face. I turned the doorknob around on my boys' door so that I can lock them in there as needed and they cannot come chasing after me and ruin my day with a tantrum.
Lots of good advice already!
If he is not hurting himself or others, walk away and find something to keep you occupied/distracted until he is done.
If he is hurting self or others, hold him like others have said.
If in public, walk away but watch from a distance for safety or leave the store if it is busy. I know how it feels to have people wonder what you are doing as a parent.....Their annoyance is temporary, your son's behavior should be your primary concern but good luck with that one!
When you have guests or "need" to be in the location of his tantrum. Distraction? Put his favorite show on but that may reinforce that tantrum if he realizes he gets something cool. The bedroom may work too but ultimately, avoiding any kind of attention giving on your part is the key.
I wish you sanity and lots of patience!
Look into Love and logic.
Hi W.,
Oh those tantrums can be unpleasant even from the most charming adorable child!
I would recommend putting him in the kitchen where it is not soft and carpeted, and he can't hurt anything. The key is to walk away so as not to make him feel trapped, though you may have to return him there several times at first until he gets it. THEN do NOT engage him in any way, answering his demands, making eye contact etc., just go about your business, and see if the uncomfortable kitchen floor and no response from you doesn't shorten his temper tantrums significantly. Works like a charm!
Best of luck!
T.
Our youngest had terrible tantrums as well- we eventually put him in his room and locked the door when he started. He would tear his room apart and often fall asleep against the door, but it was the only way I could keep my sanity and keep his 13 month older sibling safe. He is now a well-adjusted 13 year old and although he gets angry now and then, he removes himself from the situation (often to his room) and goes into his "safe" place- under his raised bed, which has a mattress and a pillow, so he can calm down and go to sleep if he needs to.
Good luck!
C.
My daughter doesn't have tantrums anywhere near that long but she does get on naughty streaks where she will go from thing to thing or person to person doing stuff she knows she's not supposed to. When she has a real tantrum or one of her streaks I sit her on my lap with her back to me and hold her with her arms down. You want to make it so that he can't really move so tighten your muscles to that point and lock them there (don't continue to squeaze you don't want to hurt them). This will take a little practice to get it right. I continue to hold my daughter tightly sometimes talking soothingly in her ear until she calms down (just so you know your son will be freaking out!). My daughter is only 2 so it only takes about 2-3 min. Once he's calmed down you can slightly relax your hold but keep him there for another 45-60 sec. I usually (still using a really soft calm voice) praise my daughter for calming down i.e. "good girl, thats right settle down...". Then is a really good time to let them go and talk in simple short sentences about what just happened. Ask questions like "what made you so mad?" or what ever the case that started it was. I know you son is almost 4 but the logic and language part of his brain shuts down during and recently after tantrums so you have to keep it super simple. You don't want the talk (unless you son is doing the talking) to last more than 2ish mins. I use this tactic EVERYWHERE. Even in the grocery store or in the middle of the mall we sit down on the floor and have a "time out". It's a little embarassing to be the one with the screaming kid but at least its done in that little bit of time.
The main thing to keep in mind is to try to prevent them. If it's becuase he's tired then maybe he needs an earlier naptime and bedtime. Also, keep in mind that he's really still a baby. We all have times when we want to whine or cry or scream and stomp and throw things or hit someone really hard, right? But we don't cause we're adults and that kind of behavior isn't appropriate, but they don't have that filter yet.
P.s. my daughter has, on occasion, bitten me on the arm during these timeouts. be sure to address that however you usually would a biting incident and then resume the timeout.
I went through this with my first daughter and managed to stop the tantrums quickly (she only had three total!). First of all the idea of discussing their feelings with them while they are having a tantrum is insane. The poor kids don't know why they are upset most of the time. They don't have the ability to be like "Gee Mom sorry I'm throwing a fit, I believe I'm a bit over tired." Heck how many times have we been grumpy and not know why! With my daughter I did as some other mothers did, I put her somewhere safe and told her why as i put her there..."you are going into time out because you are screaming and kicking blah blah blah" then I completely ignore her. You can't give any attention what so ever....at all...none. Also, I wouldn't recommend the idea of holding them to you while they freak out because some kids need to get there anger out (again because they can't always tell us what's wrong). I would also suggest checking out what the doctor recommended amount of sleep is for you childs age. It's amazing how much sleep they need and you may need to change his schedule a bit.
Good luck, just remember someday he will be all grown up and these will be the funny stories and you will wish he was little again.
-B
I have yet to really deal with the tantrum stage - yet. My son tries, because he sees other kids do it when we go into public. But I would think consistancy would help a lot. If he starts do and react the same way over and over again. But then again - I don't consider myself a traditional mom either. When my son throws himself on the floor - I either ignore it or laugh at him or mimick/make fun at him. When he cries and follows me around the house - I tell him to go to his room until he is done. "I don't understand you and don't need to listen to you cry for "NO" reason". Plain and simple. But his "tantrums" are not that severe either. He doesn't hit or kick. But if he were to do that - I wouldn't even touch him - Why should I put myself in his way of thrashing. If he hurts himself - maybe he'll learn not to do that next time.......besides he's not going to listen, he's blocking everything out. He's PO'ed. It's a way of expressing his feelings. Honestly - I wouldn't think and read to much into the tantrums. They are a phase. Just be the stronger one between you and your son. It's a hard job - but that's why God gave us the ability be a MOM. But I'm a big believer in Following through with what you say and consistancy. Good luck.
