My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years. Living together for 2 years. Both his wife and my husband have passed away. He has 5 children with the youngest being 16. All the other kids are young adults. I have two children ages 13 & 8 who live with us. (His minor child didn't want to move with us so lives with grandmother). Anymore, I have been feeling so alone. He does work a lot and really doesn't have much free time. Only a couple days. And on those couple days he still goes into work to help when other people there don't do their job. I've been asking him to spend time with me. I have been through so much with most of his children hating me. I completely understood since I wasn't their mom. I gave them space and helped whenever they needed anything. Now things are good between me and his kids for the most part. My issue being is that his daughter always wants him to do things with her. But it's not "with her" it's spending money for her and her friends. Or taking her on long car rides to stay at someone's house for a week or two. She has gone on a few long trips in the last 2 months. So that leaves me alone for the whole day since my boyfriend drives all the way instead of asking if the place his daughter is going, could meet him half way. I've driven her numerous places when he was working. But the problem being is that when she's away and we (me, boyfriend and my kids) go out somewhere, my daughter can't post anything or pictures because his daughter will flip at him for not taking her...and she's not even home. Then another thing is, we had plans for a couple weeks to go on a day trip today but yesterday everything changed. My boyfriend and 2 of his kids along with his mom went to his older sons baby shower about 2 hours away. His daughter decided to stay overnight. So I was told he had to drive to pick her up today even though we had plans. He said he would let her know he will pick her up tomorrow. That wasn't good enough for her. She said she had to get picked up early today since she didn't have any clothes or anything there. So now our plans can't happen. He isn't home because he is driving to pick her up. He won't be home for minimum of 4 hours so that doesn't leave time for us to make this day trip we had planned. I just feel very alone. He can't seem to ever tell his daughter no yet I constantly have to tell my kids no because of this. I have no problem with him spending time with his kids. They always have an open invite here to our house and I offer to leave with my kids so they can spend quality time together. That's isn't good enough. They need him to spend money on them and drive all over creation for them. They are all old enough to drive yet they choose not to. I've tried talking to my boyfriend about how I feel and ask for him to make time for me. Even if that just means sitting at home together doing nothing. He makes excuses, promises me thing will get better and just give him time. This has been getting worse and worse over last few months. I don't know what else to do. I hate feeling so alone even though I live with him. Yes, I have my kids. I'm with my kids 24/7. I work from home so I'm always available for them and have that time with them. I want just a couple hours a week to spend with my boyfriend. Is that asking too much? What can I do? I'm heartbroken.
Thank you for responding quickly. I should've added in original post that I am happy in all other aspects of my life. I am very busy between kids, work, and I volunteer with a foundation for childhood cancer, another against child abuse, I'm on the board at the local VFW and work with veterans, and also help out with local people needed help with drugs and alcohol. I do plenty to keep my life busy and have a ton of friends. When we moved into our new place about a year ago, we sat down and figured out our schedules so we could see each other for quality time each week. Since we decided this together, this is why I'm upset now because I held up my end of our agreement. His wife wasn't a good person or mother. The kids weren't raised by her. A few of his adult children went down the same path as his wife with drugs & taking advantage of people and situations. I'm the one who helps them out because he asks me to. His mom makes him feel guilty and horrible if he doesn't say yes to EVERYTHING any of them ask even if it's doing them harm. And for the person above acting like I don't think his kids shall come first didn't read my question. I agree they do and try to have all of them have special quality time with their father without me around. I'm saying though, isn't there a time to say no, I have plans? Or no you can't go this day because we both (me & him) have work? Instead of always saying yes and expecting me to take off work since I work from home to run his daughter 2 hours (one way) when she can go the day before or day after when either of us can take her? Is it ok that he makes plans with me or me & my kids then backs out last minute because he can't say no? My kids father committed suicide a couple years ago. This is the first male figure they really took to even before their dad died. He was suffering from bi-polar and didn't make life easy or good for them and with them being young, they had issues with all men. My boyfriend knows all this and accepted this when we got serious. As far as marriage....it didn't work out for either of us before and we don't want to get married anytime soon. We have discussed marriage after all of our children are grown up and on their own. I don't think asking for a couple hours a week is too much since this is the arrangement we both made together.
He has five kids, He is Daddy first and boyfriend second, and that's the way it should be. With five kids and only two days off a week, he's going to want to spend most of that time with the kids, even if it's in the car.
I hate to be blunt but it sounds like this relationship has run its course. You can blame his kids, ex, whatever but the truth is if he wanted to spend time with you he would.
Time to move on.
If his youngest is 16, then she'll be driving herself places soon enough.
One or two more years and then it'll be just you, him and your kids.
His daughter is his youngest, so I have a feeling he can't tell her 'no' for a reason.
How long has it been since her mother died?
Maybe he feels bad her mom died when the youngest needed her so much so he's there for her %100 no matter how ridiculous the situation is - he feels he's standing in for his dead wife.
Since his wife is dead, maybe on some level he doesn't feel like he deserves a life of his own.
I think he's still in mourning on some level.
Some couples counseling might be in order.
YOU on the other hand - need to get busy.
Being in a relationship (or being married) does NOT guarantee you are not going to be alone a lot of the time.
Yeah it's great to have someone to be with BUT - they are not responsible for your happiness - YOU are.
Stop sitting around at home waiting for some knight in shining armor to rescue you from your boredom.
Take a class, go to the gym, learn a craft, join a book reading group, etc.
Be interesting and people (and maybe your boyfriend) will be interested in you.
You need a social network/circle of your own.
If you don't feel you have to rely on him for entertainment, you'll feel better.
Additional:
After your SWH - you're right, it's not too much to ask to have a few hours together per week.
I'm sorry but you're a convenient bed warmer and he doesn't see why he needs to make any effort to make your relationship work.
He's just not making it happen - he doesn't care that you are unhappy and he's just not that into you.
It's been a year and he hasn't followed through on the plan you both agreed to when you moved in together.
He made promises he couldn't keep.
The experiment failed, it's not working - and it's time to move on.
Move out and take a break from each other.
You both should be seeing other people.
Maybe you'll get together again later on or maybe you'll each find someone who's a better match but each of you should view the other as the 'rebound guy/gal' for right now - and he's not in a place where he can fully participate in a reciprocal adult relationship.
You guys have different parenting styles. His won't change. You want your live-in boyfriend to treat you like a cozy wife. I NEVER judge non-married people and I think your arrangement is fine, but in this case, would he still act like this if you were married? People do tend to put step-parents on a higher priority list than girlfriends. And it doesn't sound like things will progress with you as a priority in the current arrangement.
I am a single parent to three kids and I'm never lonely. I have trouble making time for men since my kids come first. Having a boyfriend around my house AT ALL would be too much for me.
You need a different type of a relationship than he does sounds like. He's got a nice home base with you from which to put his kids first and do their bidding, and it's not fair to you based on what you would like.
I would look at separating because I don't see how this will improve with you sitting around asking for more attention and feeling sad. That will only drive him away more. If you stop wanting him, he may notice you more. Get busy with other interests. Don't center your desires around him so much. Make plans of your own with your own kids and friends and don't include him. Consider separating.
The only advice I have is not to cancel your plans just because he bails on you. If you and he are taking your kids to the beach and he decides he needs to drive his daughter somewhere, then you and your kids go to the beach. Without him. Don't punish yourself or your kids because he can't say no to his kids.
i couldn't actually get through all of this, so maybe i missed something. i totally get wanting some time with your SO. but when you move in with someone who has 5 kids, and you've got 2 of your own, your hands are tied right out of the gate. you both have a tremendous amount of demands on your time. i think that if you start being whiny about it at this point, you're going to lose.
i suggest you figure out some way of reconciling yourself to the situation, or moving on.
khairete
S.
You know, it always kind of makes me sit up and take notice when:
A. A woman moves her kids in with a man she's not married to
B. A woman complains cause her "boyfriend" isn't gum on her shoe cause his work (and kids!) come first.
Make a standin date night for 2 hours every week.
Sorry, hon, otherwise? His kid and job come first.
Carefully reevaluate this relationship before it goes any further.
Part of dating someone is deciding whether they are someone you can commit to forever. This is who your boyfriend and his daughter are. You need to decide whether you can tolerate them, as is. And focus on getting other friends and ways to entertain yourself. It's hard enough to change someone after you've married them (I know, I've tried), so this could be the warning you need that maybe you don't want to spend a lifetime with this guy.
Why do you have to tell your kids "no" because he can't? Your kids wanted to go on a day trip today? So go. Whether he is there or not, go. Do the things you want to do. If he joins you great. If he cancels, do it anyway.
You have already asked him for more time, and you already know the answer to your question. You cannot change him. You can only control your own actions and how your respond to his choices. If you continue to hope he will change, you will continue to feel disappointed. Thus, my answer is to change your expectations.
I understand that his 16 yo child didn't want to move with you guys but I cant believe since they are a minor that it was actually an option not to move with you. I can see why his daughter would be feeling very insecure and therefore be demanding of her father's time.
Having said that if your BF wanted to spend time with you, the bottom line is he would.
I'm so sorry but I think you should start working on an exit strategy and be thankful you didn't marry him.
So, if I have this straight, his 16 year old didn't want to live with her father and you, but wanted to stay with the grandmother - but she wants her father to be her personal entertainment person and chauffeur. He drives her 2 hours each way, but if it's not convenient then you have to drive her?
And they all went to a baby shower that you, as a de facto family member (even if not officially through marriage) for several years, were not even invited to? You had plans for a day trip, but no one mentioned that there was a shower planned?
His kids come first in his life - to the point that he does the wrong thing and enables their behavior. She may be jealous, she may be missing her mom, but that doesn't give her the right to belittle you. And your daughter can't post photos of anything because this girl gets jealous?
Meantime, you permit this. You permit your children to be raised watching their mother be ignored, and watching their de facto stepfather ignore you. They will grow up to treat women the same way or be treated that way. I get that his kids come first for him. But yours have to come first for you, not just in terms of doing stuff for them (meals, chauffeuring, general guidance, which you do) but also in role modeling the type of behavior you expect them to emulate.
Other than financial benefits, what are you getting out of this living arrangement? He's getting all of the benefit - an employee, essentially, who has to do stuff for his kids but who gets ignored.
When people show you who they are, believe them. He's showing you where you rate on the Importance Scale - and it's not very high.
You know you deserve better. You have friends, a job, activities, all kinds of things that involve you with the rest of the world and helping others. Even with the adjustments that come from blending families, the kinks should have been worked out by now - but instead they are getting worse.
So is it asking too much to spend time with him? Not for most people. But it is too much for him. If you think he will change, go to counseling with him (in the spare time he doesn't have). If you don't, go to counseling for yourself, to try to understand why you put up with this and how you can extricate your children from a situation of losing a second male figure who's just not a good role model or someone they can depend on.
I can understand a lot of your pain. My husband's brother committed suicide, leaving 1 ex wife with 2 kids and a wife with one child of their together and one child of her own from before (no father involvement). The ex wife fell apart and married a pretty lousy guy who adopted the kids and then got divorced - so the kids got a new last name, some new step siblings who technically became their siblings by adoption, then lost it all. The widow became a strong and independent single mother, cutting her expenses to the bone, and raising 2 strong boys, waiting a long time to remarry. Two ways to do it.
Good luck. You have a ton of attributes and abilities - I just think you need more of a backbone. Do work with a counselor to get some clarity about your goals, fears, needs and wants.
What's the saying, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"? I think you know what to do.
You need to get your own place and move on out. He is not about to marry you even when the kids are grown. He is just stringing you along. As another person said, if he wanted to be with you more he would make it happen.
Stop being so needy and become your own person so that you are of interest to another who will love you for you. The only person who can make you happy is you. Take back control and do your own thing. Two years is a long time for this to go on. Your kids deserve much more than someone promising to do something and then not following through. What kind of example is that for them to view as adult behavior. That will set them up for disappointment more than you think. Trust me I know all about that (my BIL did this and my kids got to the point that they would not believe anything he said he would do after breaking their hearts).
Good luck to you in the future. I hope you do find true happiness and a very wonderful future.
the other S.
PS Time and tide wait for no one.
Sounds like he's just not that into you if he'd rather spend 4 hours in the car than hang out with you & your kids. Perhaps since his kids are older he's just done with with younger kids? Or maybe he feels like you are too needy and uses his daughter as an excuse to get away from you? Hard to speculate on his motivation but it's obvious you aren't his priority.
So ... Either you live with being on the fringe of his life or you decide you deserve more and pack up and move on. I know which I'd choose.
I read your question earlier and had to think about my response.
He is the dad to those kids. Regardless of what or how you feel, it is what it is. He wants to spend time with his kids and if that is in the car then so be it. His youngest didn't want to move in with yall. Why?
If yall had plans, why didn't you go ahead and take your kids on the day trip? You don't have to punish them because he doesn't go. Just go.
I think there is more going on underneath all of this. He might not be happy and doesn't know how to talk to you about it or disappoint your kids after your husband's suicide.
If everyone is committed then I suggest counseling would help. Both need to learn how to communicate about your parenting styles because they are very different.
Unfortunately, you are not on his priority list. I think it would be best to move out. Be a strong role model for your kids, not a doormat. You guys have been through too much to put up with this stuff.
I read your post & your follow up SWH & I'm sorry I don't have any real advice for you...my only thought after reading this all is maybe you could start by stopping telling your kids NO to accommodate others. BF has obviously put his children #1 & it appears you have as well. You start making your kids your #1 at all times and maybe you guys will develop a better flow? Or you won't and you'll know.
Here's what I would do. Take your kids and go do things with them without him when he drops the ball. Continue your life and go have a heck of a good time and post thousands of photos of how much fun you're having. Then when his daughter sees all the fun you're having she's going to want to go with you more and have fun too.
I would also say he needs to know that you are not a doormat. You don't come first. His kids do. Would you push your kids away and go be with him only if he asked you to? Put him before your own kids?
Again.
Would you put HIM before YOUR OWN KIDS?
Do you put your children first then yourself then him?
Why do you want him to put YOU BEFORE HIS OWN KIDS?
Think on that and let us know what that means to you.
If you drop your kids off somewhere then leave them until you get around to eventually going to get them so you can spend the entire day with him then perhaps you do have the right to request he do that. But if you put your kids first and foremost in your life then perhaps you need to allow him that honor too.
His kids will not be around forever and they shouldn't have to fight with your for time with their dad.
You should pick up the kids and say "That sounds like fun, kids, go get in the car. We're taking XXXX to her cousin's baby shower. While she's there we can go to the zoo, it's awesome!" or to the mall or the Sam's Club or a huge park that's amazing in that town.
Go with them and don't let her manipulate you. Go get in the car with them and sit up front and have a grand time.
My biggest issue would be that he seems to think everyone should adjust for his children and he can not tell them no, while your own kids do not get similar treatment. I would honestly question at this point if he is ready for a full time relationship and would consider maybe getting my own place where I could focus on my kids and let him finish raising his. Then, maybe after she is grown he will be able to cut the strings a little more and have time for a real relationship. But she is 16, not 6, so I would not just sit there and continue to get treated poorly because he can not say no to her. I wonder if he has guilt over her not living with you and maybe that is why he feels the need to spoil her rotten, and it sounds like that is how she is turning out, spoiled and rotten.
I don't think it's ever a good idea to never say "no" to a kid, really. So yeah while he does have a right to put his kids "first" - putting them first means raising them and raising them means teaching them they are not the center of the universe. And I'm sorry but he does have certain obligations to you and your children, as well. So yes while the kids come "first" - it is in their best interest to not always get everything they ask for. Not to mention yours and your kids'. And his too - isn't he spending a fortune in gas money, not to mention time? This is a case of a Disney dad - he just wants to make his kids happy at any cost. And these particular ones already sound selfish, ungrateful, and entitled. No fun.
But be that as it may - your or my opinion on how he chooses to raise his children really has no credence here. They're his kids. The most you can do is present your concerns in a non-nagging, non-whiny way, and hope that he listens. You say you've already talked to him about it. At this point, is talking again going to help? Do you need to think about making alternate living arrangements? Is getting mean required? Couples therapy? That is up to you, we can't really answer that.
But to answer your questions - no I don't think you're asking too much at all. And there are lots of things you can do. What you "should" do or what will get you the outcome you want, we can't answer.
