How Do You Pull Yourself Out of the Hole.

Bless you,
Shattered is exactly what you are. A vessel that held a husband, a future with him and your children, dreams, love, connection, assistance, etc. That vessel has been broken and you are now alone.
As a vipassana meditator I can say that this will pass. These words do not help when the pain is so great and the obstacles daunting.
My advise to you, since you ask, is to find a lot of support.
Ask for assistance and do not be ashamed of your neediness. Be absolutely clear about what it is that you need and be mindfull about who you ask to help, so that you will not receive further refusal. Remember, if you do receive refusal, it is not about you. At this point you must believe that it is all about you...not so.
Then I would say to you to take life one day at a time. When you have made it through another day, congratulate yourself. No judgement about your successes or failures. The last thing you need right now is to be refused by yourself.
Take a look at the things in your life that you can let go of.
Perhaps you don't need to make your bed, or wash your clothes, or sweep the floor, dot that last i in the paper you are writing, and don't be angry with yourself when your emotions spill over to your children. Appologize and take them in your arms to assure them you love them. You must take care of yourself or you will not be able to take care of them. This is your life now, and you are vulnerable. It is good for them to see you in your humanity...they will grow from it. Do not, however, use them for emotional support. They are your children, not your caretakers.
The pain will be there for a while and it will go away when it is ready. Simply acknowledge that it is there and it will soften.
Good luck, sister, this life has many offerings to you, some desired, some not. Our pain comes in craving for things and in pushing the things we don't want away. Simply being aware of what you feel will soften your life.
L.

Hi M.,
It takes a lot of courage to post your situation so give yourself a hug for that. I've been in a similar situation and what I had to finally do was seek professional help. My sadness was becoming too much for me to bare and my two small children were being adversly effected by it. It was the best thing I did because I received counseling, as well as, joined a single parents group and met other mothers who were going through similar and even more difficult situations. From there, I grew stronger emotionally and mentally and less lonely. The pain of the break up has healed and I am feeling and doing so much better. You are not alone. Hope this helps.

Just hang in there. Everything will get better-it always does.

By taking baby steps to accomplish small tasks & goals you will build your self confidence and self esteem. Your children will feed off of your confidence and do better, too. Eventually you will see that you have outgrown your ex-husband and that he did you a favor by allowing you to ahieve your highest potential.

You must take one day at a time and everytime your mind or self chatter starts to turn negative - catch it! Turn it to seeing yourself as a beautiful, responsible woman. You are strong and God would not give you this challenge if it weren't meant for you to become a better person and grow from it.

Besides, your ex-husband having left has nothing to do with what you did or didn't do. Don't take it personally. It's not about you. His actions are all about him and his need for whatever he thinks he needs or wants. You have no control over another's actions.

Right now, just hang in there and hold your head up. Talk with your kids about how the three of you are a team and how you will work together through the process of acceptance while keeping the love flowing.

You're not alone.

Sincerely,
S. M

M.-
Please know that you are in fact pulling yourself out of the hole. As others have said, it does take time. It may feel like you are not making much headway or that you are back tracking and other days, you will feel good about yourself and your accomplishments. Be kind to yourself and surround yourself with loving and supportive people.

I agree that as the mom, you have a tricky role of having to experience this deep and significant loss of trust AND set the tone of trust and safety for your children. That is such a hard thing to balance. I imagine this must have uprooted a good deal of family alliances too.

I can go on-and-on about the perception that your husband has in fact "moved on." In my experience of treating people impacted with affairs, there really is no "moving on" (without addressing the core issues) - The doing of an affair is often an expression of avoidance which usually catches up with the person in the new relationship. They seem to be in the "better" place because they get to perpetually experience the beginning phase of a relationship. When that high begins to fade, they are often back to their avoidance pattern. Try not to compare yourself with him.

As far as what is best for your children, trust your gut.

Take care!

Hi Meliisa,

I too had a similar situation. I was married for 10 years & my husband cheated on me multiple times. I was forgiving because I knew I needed to, but we have 4 children together. I chose to leave because I had had enough lying. I left without a house, a car, and all of my children. He came & took my car from my mom's house. Luckily, my mom had an extra one for me. I was driving 1 1/2 hrs to work & back working 10hrs a day to support us, and then driving home. He refused to leave the house that was a block and a half away from my work.
My kids were extremely concerned because he was telling them that I was walking away from God, and that I didn't care about them. It was extremely difficult for me to not lash out at the kids because I was so upset, but I never did. Never. The only thing I kept telling them was that I loved them, their dad loved them, and that Jesus loved them and that they'd be taken care of no matter what. There will always be the period of adjustment. My life has never been better since the day I left him. It's been hell, I won't sugarcoat it, but trust me, you deserve better than a man that's going to leave you for your step-sister. And she'll find out eventually how he is too.
Just remember 2 things, one, God loves you & if you trust Him, he'll take care of you. Two, that God loves your children & will be with them every step of the way. Just keep encouraging your kids & be with them.
Good for you for putting them in counseling and for you as well. Just keep going, one day, it'll be like a blur for you and your kids. You can pick up the pieces, you are worth it, and so are they.
It's been 2 years since I left & God has given me a man who loves me and ALL my kids dearly. I never thought it possible. I healed myself first, and the kids are learning what kind of dad they have. Not by me, but by him.
I'll pray for you & good luck to you.
B.

Hi M.

Wow, I can empathize with you. Married 16 years and found out my husband was/is having an affair last June. He decided to move on without me. I have 2 girls, 7 and 9. I too have been left shattered. Without my family and the help of a good therapist, I don't think I could have survived this. I didn't see it coming, I totally trusted him. I have several female friends who have been through this and their advice is all the same. You have to put in your time, this is parallel to the grief process and if you allow yourself to work through the stages, you will come out okay. I am very relieved to have 2007 over and am hoping to see some real changes in my life in 2008. I am sorry that you know the woman and that he feels that it is okay to involve your children. I am grateful that his girlfriend is in LA, we are north of SF. We are in the process of mediation and it is going okay so far. I have started working out again and finally have some appetite back. Keeping busy has helped me too. Sounds like you are very busy! If you would like to email me directly, I would be happy to be your pen pal. My name is A. and my email is ____@____.com care of yourself, your kids need you!

I was married for 20 years, stay at home mom to 4 kids. My husband had an affair at work. She got him fired for sexual harrassment and she got all the clients. Hubby got a job at another firm and is SLOWLY rebuilding his client base. He is making 17% of former income.
This is how you pull yourself out of the hole. I went to school and earned my teaching credential. Am looking for a job to help support the kids. Will continue and finish up my masters and pursue higher paying jobs(administrator, principal). I divorced him. Am in the process of selling my vacation home and will soon put my primary residence on the market. We have sold everything else to pay the bills, his apartment and all his therapists, doctors and anti-depressants. I have no idea where the children and I will be living in 6 months. The upside: I thank my lucky stars that I am well rid of an egotistical, lying fraud. I have earned better, I deserve better and I will get it.
You will, too. Love yourself and the children. Have faith in your power.

L. M.

All the advise from these women is wonderful. REMEMBER not to blame yourself for his choice, and to ask for help when you are suffering. Find faith wherever you can, the strength is inside you, no matter how you feel or what you believe. And while I am sure you want to spare your children pain, DON'T be afraid of fighting for custody if that is what you want. AND alimony AND child support. California is very friendly to women in these cases, and you deserve to have your family even without this husband. Ask the state for help!
Kids DO need time adjust to change and for him to up and leave without caring about their well-being should be criminal, and will be in your favor when it comes time to decide on custody.
The best "revenge" is to be O.K. anyway and to get what you want for your family out of him. Best of luck, heartache is so hard.

Hi M.,

I don't know if you know the Lord, but He knows how you feel, what you've been through and He cares. Tell him everything you feel and ask for His comfort and encouragement and help.

Also, when I went through the same thing, after a year and a half of hurt and bitterness, for my son's sake, I began to pray for his dad and new stepmom every night, as we said our goodnight prayers. (He was 4 when we split, 5 1/2 when I started including the dad in the prayers). I had realized my son needed to believe his father was a good person and that his parent's didn't hate each other. We just asked God to bless Daddy and "wife" and I'd make it a little more personal if I knew anything - like that they were trying to sell a house or someone was sick. But fairly short and simple.
The Bible says to bless those who curse you and to pray for your enemies - and when you obey God's Word, He blesses YOU. I found myself (after a year of praying) able to forgive and when I had forgiven, I no longer hurt. It still took another year before he and I could talk comfortably and work together as parents of the same children (the others were already grown). So it took about 3 years, but the pain lessened each couple of months.
Something big I learned about forgiveness is that all you really have to do is "decide" to do it. I consciously say in my mind and to the Lord, "I forgive that person" or "I commit to forgiving that person" and I ask the Lord to take care of the feelings. It works so well. The Lord will take the poison of unforgiveness out of your body (that's what makes you hurt so much) and you'll start to heal. I had to do that again when my father fell at age 90 broke his hip, had a heart attack and my step-mom left him on the floor for 11 hours before she called for help because she didn't want to "bother" anyone. He fell at 11:30 at night. She called for help at 10:30 the next morning after her breakfast and a shower. I was nearly insanely angry, but couldn't live that way, so I commited to forgiving her, and the Lord has taken the anger and pain and I am able to have a relationship with my step-mom, as my father would have wanted.

Best of luck and blessings to you. Do let the One who loves you more than anyone else be a comfort and help to you.

On a secular note - it is true that "this too shall pass."

Blessings
K.

You call on your sisters. All women are your sisters, and we all know how much pain you are in. 99% of us will listen to you 24/7, so don't hesitate to call. Even if its just to cry or vent. Don't hesitate to ask for help-- if we can't give you what you need, we probably know someone who might. DO NOT TRY TO DO THIS ON YOUR OWN. When I went thru a similar situation, a sister told me to ask God for strength. I am not a church goer, but if you are, that is another resource. I am a reader, and there are books on every topic at every level, and librarians are saints who can guide you to them.

M.,

Let me say, u can do it!! I had a similiar situation. I know the feeling. I cried myself to sleep?? I had two boys with my ex. He just went around like it was nothing. Couseling helps. Keeps ur family and any real friends u have close, seek advice from them, also try and occupy youself in activities especially with your kids. You all will be ok if you stick together. The couseling really helps for both you and your children having someone outside that they can talk to is great.

It took me quit some time to trust. Even to this day I catch myself. But Now I have a wonderful Husband who Im thankful for everyday! He loves me and my boys. I thought i would never recover from what happened. And my current husband is the best thing to ever happen to us. We now have a son together. My oldest boys really love my husband and now they can say how really like that me and their father are not together. They too are thankful for my New husband! Good Luck! I wish u the best.

~E.

Hi M.,
Wow, You definitely have some great changes in your life. I've been in a "hole" in the past myself (different circumstances though), and know how dark and hopeless things can seem. I am very happy to share with you two WONDERFUL resources (if you can even squeeze 15 minutes of reading in a day). Byron Katie's book "Loving What Is" and secondly, Louise Hay's book, "You can Heal Your Life". These will let the light, once again and hopefully forever more, shinely lovingly and brightly upon you - know matter what is going on in your life. Best blessings of joy and love to you M.!
xo, L.

Hi M.,

I don't have any advise but wanted you to know that I will keep you in my thoughts as I'm sure other Moms reading this will. Good luck. Stay positive. Things will get better.

Divorce can be a horrible thing to go through for anyone, especially children. I have been through it as a child twice. What your ex did is NOT YOUR FAULT! It's not your children's faults (sometime kids can think they are the cause of their parents splitting up). There is a book the was recommended to me a while ago called "Codependent No More...How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie. I have been a single mom, not divorced, and this was a really good book. It helped me get back on my feet after a very bad break-up, and I'm sure it will help you. I'm sure there are books out there too for you to read with you children about divorce and how to cope. Therapy is very good not only for you but for your children. There is a perfect guy out there for you, and you will find him. Good luck!

Try homeopathy... let me give you my homeopath's number: ###-###-#### Sid Mojabi in MILPITAS CA... he is awesome....and can also treat you for your loss and feeling lonely and sad!!! Love, G.. :0)

Oh M. I am so sorry. Sounds so hard. You want of course to pull yourself out, but I am a believer in giving grief it's time. You have had a lot of losses- husband, family member, the life you thought was to be yours and your kids for good, that's a lot of losses. It sounds like you are doing the right stuff getting help, I can only think to say that being gentle with yourself and the kids during down times is good too. Fun, easy things together to rebuild you and your kids sense of family in this new form. Hang out with good people who make you feel loved and safe, if you need to find new people that's ok, if family doesn't feel safe. Try not to dwell on what he's doing, tho I realize that may feel impossible. A friend once told me that it can take a month of grieving for every year you had been together. It's kind of silly to have a formula for it, but it helped me feel better about still being so hurt and sad. I think for some people that's not long enough! I iwsh you well.
-sage

So sorry to hear about your situation. I am not sure if you are spiritual at all. But, I would suggest you pray to God for peace and the will to move forward from this terrible situation. I would offer suggest looking into individual counseling for yourself so you can process this pain and hurt that you are dealing with so it doesn't begin to creep out into your daily life and begin affecting your children and your school. Most health insurance plans will pay for counseling services nowadays and depending on your job you could have EAP insurance that can also assist you.

It sounds like you are taking all the right steps. I know this is really awful.
The only advice I would offer you is to surround your kids with love and make sure they know how much you love them and that you won't ever leave them. Never say anything bad about anyone else even though it is so hard not too. Just my opinion.

I wrote alot in a journal and it helped to pour out my feelings that way. And, I used my friends and people I trusted to just vent like crazy so I wouldn't vent on the kids. I also had an online thing like this where I corresponded to other women and could vent that way. For me, just getting everything out helped me heal and see what I was fighting. Over time things felt better for me. Nothing changed for my ex though, he's still just the same. That's just how I dealth with it. You may find a different way to feel better. It takes time.

You will find your way through this. You have to trust yourself and you will learn to trust others over time.

Remember, the best revenge is success!

M., Although I cannot pretend to know or understand what you are going through right now, I wanted you to know that there is a circle of women out here who honor you, your spirit and the love that you hold for your children. Look to them for a daily reminder of your value in this world. You are their rock, and although you may not feel like you're walking on solid ground right now, you will come out of this a stronger, more capable woman. Believe in the good that you have to offer--your children believe in you. And so do I. May God bless you and walk with you during this difficult time. ~A.

You seek out all available resources, support groups, counseling, mom groups like this one and in your community. I have been where you are and after 5 years I can honestly say he did me a favor after soul searching you have to draw strength from within, and for your kids they need you more now. You will make it if you focus on you and your children. What are you in school for? I went right to school after my dog left. It was the best thing I ever did for myself and my children. I couldn't change what happened but I could change how I dealt with it, You be ok remember if you lay with dogs you get fleas.

Trust me, you are not the first that this has happened to. I know a man that left his second wife for his first wife's sister. Eventually the kids get over it....IF you do. They feel you and you must move on and be happy. You need to do things that build your self esteem. Find something that makes you feel valuable. Definitely you are valuable to your children twice as much now, so be it! Everyone goes through life's challenges. The key is to go through them and believe you can win. I find my home based business is great therapy, self-esteem building, friend making, skill building for me. I'm biased because I believe I work with the best direct sales company in America and 34 countries, designed for women. Visit my website and see: www.marykay.com/ecuffy. I also have an add in the Mamasource businesses and a review from a client. When I began, my 3 children were young, I worked almost full time and I was very shy. Look at me now:-)
Sincerely,
E. C.

Find a good church or join a club. You need to find some friends to support you. You are not the only one. Trials can make us stronger and help us learn compassion for others in similar circumstances. good luck elaine

Hi, M.:

I am sorry for your loss.

I don't have experience with this issue from a parenting perspective, but I do from that of a child. I was about 8 or so when I first became aware of my father cheating on my mom. They separated for some time, and then got back together. This happened every few years until I was 22, at which time they finally! got a divorce. Although this is not exactly your situation, I watched my mom very closely (we have always been close), and she was very lonely for most of her marriage to my dad, knowing that he was having multiple affairs, etc. Although I know now that she tried very hard to be positive around us, the pain that she felt and the anger toward my dad deeply affected both my sister (younger) and me. I don't mean to imply that she should never have cried or been sad because I don't think that's fair; however, her lonliness made her quite selfish at times, making my sis and I often feel like she was not happy with us. So, although all you are feeling right now are legitimate feelings and should be explored, I strongly suggest that you do your very best to make your children (who are suffering greatly right now also) feel as loved and stable as possible. This means, as hard as it is to do, not bad mouthing your ex aroundthem, talking to them as if they are your girl friends and not your babies, finding a confidant who is able to listen more than talk, and making time for yourself to be alone so you are able to be angry, cry, whatever, in peace.

Also, as a college teacher, I suggest that you take a break from school to make sure that your family is making this transition as well as possible. I have had lots of women students who have had major life chages and continued to go to school to the detriment of either their grades, and thus their records, their family, or both. Anyway, just another thing to either make your plate more full or make it less full; I suppose it is your perspective.

Take care and hang in there.

L.

Hi M. tough one!! It is sad to know that some people don't have any morals and to justify their actions "everything is o.k." You have no control of what image they want to portray to the kids. It's confusing but how are you going to change them and their lifestyle...you can't! Pray the serenity prayer, it helps me let go of things I don't have any control over.
Take it a day at a time, try to get out and meet new people and guys too and move on. Find refuge in your family and closest friends. Just think "do you really want someone like that in your life?" A man that is not worthy of you! You didn't do wrong they did, so it's not your fault. What goes around comes around and they will get their share when it's their turn, nobody can be completely happy on someone else's tears.
Things happen for a reason so brace yourself and live the fullest for your kids they need the best of you now and forever, and their mom needs to be strong, independent and confident. They will pick up on that vibe. Hope that helps good luck you are a great girl never forget that!!

I am so sorry this happened to you. You will get over this and I think you will come to understand that you are much better off without someone who would treat you so badly. It sounds like you are doing the right things, going to a therapist and getting help for your kids. Give yourself time and enjoy your children.
At some point you will be able to let go of the anger and hurt and move on, seeing that you are the winner because you got away from an evil and untrustworthy man. As far as trusting again, that will be slow and is a process. but with the right person you can do it.
Take care
J.

Hello M.,

Men see things differently. I have been through a divorce too and what I found important was;
speak regularly with a counselor - change if you are not totally happy -
belong to a support group
read books about how to deal with that situation
get your self-esteem back. This one is the most difficult...
When you forgive him, you can get back to your life and be happy again, no matter what.
But it's a long process, you need patience to heal and confidence to keep going!
I got married again last September and wish you the best!

Hi M.:

Wow, you've definitely have a full plate. That's great that you are seeking therapy and your children as well. I know that you're going through so many different emotions and I bet it's overwhelming. I would say that ONLY time...TIME..is going to heal things...and I would say that the first couple of yrs..are the hardest. Just because you have to move on and adjust. I know it's pretty hard for the children as well, but they are young..but..probably know more and could understand more than we think. Kids are pretty smart...and sometimes..we ought to under-estimate them.

I'm a single Mom with 2 boys and I was divorced about 6 yrs ago...and..after going through what I've gone through..I was pretty much jaded...and full of hate..and hurt. I had to make sure all those ingredients of HATE..wouldn't get the best of me..I had to think POSITIVE...and my motivation were my two boys to do good and excel and move on. Does this make sense?

If you need to vent..know that you can email me ...take care and good luck.

Prior to saying anything else, I am going to wish you the strength for a new start in the right direction. It is ok to feel shattered and "lonely", you are mourning a loss~ but then FOCUS on what you need to do for yourself and most importantly what you need to do for your children. You are in the right direction, you are continuing your education~ don't stop: this will teach your children that even when life does not work out as you planned, you can strive to make it even better by taking a different road. Your X may be "gallavanting around with his life"~ but don't focus on him...! This will only continue to interfere with the most important part of YOUR life, that of yours and your children. Don't waste your time thinking of him or watching him. This only takes time from you and pushes you right back into that "hole". This doesn't mean you shouldn't cry and that you shouldn't be angry~ just take a moment to REALIZE that you WILL BE ANGRY and that you WILL CRY and that you WILL BE HURTING for a while, with that realization you must know (even if it doesn't feel like it right now), that you WILL be able to make a BETTER LIFE. It comes with time and with your motivation to make that life better for you and your children. About your kids, it is okay for them to know you are hurt, as they need to know that you did (do) love their father, but don't talk bad about him (definitely easier said than done) because after all he is their father and they will hurt even more. Answer questions honestly, but without too much detail~ and if you are religious or not ... pray even if it means screaming in the shower and asking God why? and then most importantly ask him to give you the strength you need to overcome this trial.