Help Starting Over

P.
Please call me I would like to give you a makeover. I am a Stylist here in town and would like to give you a Haircut, COlor, and Make Up application on the house I know how crazy you can feel in a time like this and I think that is you look and feel good about you things will be a little easier and a new look is goo for you heart and you soul
N. ###-###-####

When my ex left me I went to counseling a minimum of once a week, valunteered at a place where I felt I could just be me (no one knew I had been married) - and met a lot of friends there - and did things for myself like watch the movies I wanted to see and eat what I wanted to eat. The first night I watched a chick flick (and could cry my eyes out at the happy ending) while eating fresh cantaloupe and ice cream for dinner was VERY empowering!!! It's what I wanted, dangit, so I had it. The pain was awful but I wouldn't trade it for anything now that I'm married to a wonderful man who cherishes me every day and my daughter is MUCH happier in life as well.

This is going to sound harsh and it isn't meant too I have been where you are at.Your kids just lost you too instead of the mom that they have come to count on you are not coping the hardest thing for me was getting up but every morning I would look at my kids and verbally say they don't deserve this then I would get up and start again the thing that got me through the most was my religion it solid and unchanging and people are not perfect yes it is hard to trust again but you are gonna miss out on great people along the way that can help by not trying Some of my very best friends have come since my separation and divorce so Don't give up you just have to find your inner strength it may not seem like its there but obviously it is or you wouldn't have asked for help in the first place

Wow, P. I am so sorry you are going through this ordeal. I agree this is overwhelming for you and your children.

Let me encourage you a bit. You will in time be able to trust again, because you will be able to love again. That's what love is about! Right now the most important thing is to heal and be strong for your children and help them heal. Teach them to forgive and let go. Forgiveness doesn't mean you condone the act you just choose to forgive it so you can move on with your life and heal more quickly. Forgiveness is so important. Without it you can't move forward and unforgivenes just opens the door to stress, sickness, depression and so on!
You start over slowly only living one day at a time.
Do you attend church or have a relationship with God? It's an awesome place to find healing, joy and peace again. Great place to find friends as well. If you do believe in God, He will guide your footsteps and help you with the healing process.
Build more intimate and profound relationships with your children as well. They really need you now and I'm sure youneed their love as well!

P.,

I understand how you feel having been through something similar myself. You do have to give yourself permission and the time to grieve. It is hard to trust again, but in time you will.

I have been involved in several single mother programs over the years and it helps to create a support network for yourself. You can do this through religious groups, community groups, family or other organizations. The group that I am still involved with is called People Helping People, which mainly focuses on helping women with employment skills to be able to provide adequate income for their families.

I know that you can't force yourself to be happy, but please try to do one thing each day to reach out. Posting on this site is a great step. You may want to call someone that you have been meaning to talk to or something like that. The important thing to remember is that you are a strong person and you will be okay.

B.

P.,
I am sorry to hear what you are going through. It is understandable that you feel devastated...but what happened is THEIR fault, not yours. THEY are the ones who failed, not you. She is not your friend. Friends do not do that to friends. Friends help you look for your true happiness, and rejoice every time you find it. It is normal that you go through a period of pain, but you have to go on. Turn all that energy from sadness into courage. Those two will have to pay someday. I feel for them, because when they decided to get involved, they lost everything; including YOU. They are unfaithful, stupid, uncaring and they have not only betrayed you; they have betrayed themselves too. Stop the negative thinking because you are NOT TO BLAME. Be brave and do not underestimate yourself. It is through hard periods in life, that you find the strength within you. If you believe in God, I would suggest you get closer to Him and never let go. I am not in your shoes but I have gone through hard tests in life as well. I have gone through depression just like you are going through right now. It has helped me to stop and regroup my feelings; to see how valuable I am; to believe in God as the only one who really loves me unconditionally. Believe in yourself. Talk to your kids and be sure to tell them none of what is happening is their fault, and tell them you love them.
Keep going. Be sure to do something good for yourself every day, like putting some makeup and getting in that dress that would make you look so pretty, or rent that movie that you always wanted to see but could not see it because he did not like it. Maybe it is time to try that new haircut or to dye your hair? Plan something fun with your kids. Go somewhere where you can just see how blessed you are because you are with them and you all have good health. If you are HEALTHY, everything else is vanity. Take good care of yourself and remember how special you are.
:)
A.

P.,

good for you to write to this group. by doing so, you are taking steps to stay strong. you've received a lot of advice and so i won't repeat what the others have shared with you, but i did have one thing to add. one of the most therapeutic things i know of is to find an organization that you care about and volunteer. GIVE OF YOURSELF. yes, sure join some self-help groups as that is helpful...but still i advice that you find something you are interested in and volunteer. it takes the focus off your troubles and while you are giving of yourself, you start to remember how valuable you are and your sense of esteem increases. don't wait for good things to come to you. take good care of your kids, and take good care of yourself. when the time comes for you to deal with forgiveness, remember how healthy forgiveness is for all concerned.

best to you.

P., I am SO SORRY!!

I'm not sure how long you've known about this and, therefore, how long you've been in the process, but even though it's so painful, avoid rushing it. The more you rush, the more it rebounds and the more curve balls come at you.

I remember picking up pieces of my life with my children in tow thinking I'd never find peace and happiness again. Feeling like the sun would never rise for me. I'd never be whole. BUT it DOES come.

Remember when each child was brand new and you had to relearn things;how you had to simply do the bare minimum and slowly add things to the list as they grew and the routine took it's form??

You're in the same place now. The new life you're fostering now is your home.

Avoid dating like the plague at this point...I'd even wait a long time, just to make sure my heart is whole and well before allowing someone in...and even moreso for my children--they fall so much harder and are wounded even more deeply than we are--it changes who they ARE and how they perceive life, love, commitment, and marriage forever.

Be nice to yourself. Be honest when looking back...what didn't you choose to pay attention to with both of them. (that's the hardest part, but essential to moving forward into a happy and fruitful life)

Do you best to ensure you're children don't lose their MOM in this whole rotten deal. Pour yourself into them. Gather around each night and pray. Sit together and begin counting blessings. What is one good thing that happened today?!! Have all those living with you take turns answering that question EVERY day. You can mix it up with something FUNNY today? You can tell each child a quality you REALLY value, enjoy, love about him/her. It's so simple but powerful, helpful...to seeing goodness in your life. When you tune your focus to the things that are still here, the things that are a blessing, the small little good, helpful, convenient things, you'll begin to chip that dispair away and overcome the sadness and depression.

Remember: THEY DO NOT DESERVE YOUR SLEEP!!! THEY DO NOT DESERVE YOUR BROKEN HEART!!! THEY DO NOT DESERVE YOUR DEFEAT!!!

THIS IS NOT YOUR DEFINITION!!

Again, I'm so, so, so very sorry!!! If you need to vent, feel free to send me messages.

Lots of love and hugs coming your way...

Hi P.,
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I think you are already doing a good thing by telling your story. Do you go to church? I have found that church is an awesome place to get encouragement. My closest friends have come out of church groups. I have found that it is a place people go to not only seek spirituality but to find positive relationships. It is super important to pull yourself out of bed get yourself dressed and make a point to try. I can only imagine what you are going through but I know that each new day does bring fresh hope. I would love to hear how you are doing.You will be in my prayers.

In all the pain and sorrow, P. - THEY LOST MORE!!!!!!
Your ex-friend and your husband, they lost more, than you did:
their dignity, their good name, children loving and trusting them, oh my goodness, how will they live with all this weight of guilt for the rest of their lives - because if they are good humans, this guilt will gnaw on them forever.
I understand,that passion may happen, BUT to give up to it, to destroy the family, friendship, all what is sacred: this is not a way of a good caring loving soul!!!

As it is set up in our traditions, in our culture, and in our social environment, they should have thought about the most important values... and not go with the flow of emotions.

The most important question you have : trust.
I told my teenager-daughter once: if you can tell someone "I trust you" it is even more than to say: "I love you." It turned out she mused on this thought for 1,5 years, as then she came to me and reminded that conversation, saying:"Now I understand. You can be madly in love with someone, but you cannot really trust the person..."
As to me, friendship is paramount, which involves care for the other, and trust over all!
I went through a LOT. To say the least, I am extremely happy in my 4th marriage... something went astray so many times, that I have quite an experience: I will write a book one day (I m serious about it, I will).

NOW,
AS THE TRUST IS ALL SHATTERED,

NUMBER TWO IMPORTANT THING IS H O N E S T Y:

AND THIS IS YOUR CARD NOW,
without quarrel - it won't help,
without accusing - they are already in their 'pit' anyways'
but - having a family to care for, which is everybody's business in your situation, this is what it is to talk about, now.

If this was my situation, P., I would invite both of them for a meeting of three dear souls:
all three of you, him, your ex-friend, and yourself, without kids around, maybe someplace out of home, maybe on the lawn in the woods, or by the creek: to have about half a day of time, not to rn and hurry, to sit down and converse.
Not to blame them - they already know what they accomplished, and after all, you're not their mama, but TO ASK THEM:
DEAR ONES, WHOM I HAVE LOVED FOR YEARS, HOW DO YOU IMAGINE OUR LIFE NOW THAT I KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON? IF YOU LIKE IT AS IT WAS, IT WON'T WORK ANYMORE, AS YOU DO NOT HAVE A SECRET ANYMORE; YOU WANT TO CONTINUE AS IT IS,BUT YOU ARE AWARE OF ALL THE PAIN THAT IT CAUSES ME.
They certainly have a choice, and you will either accept it or not.

I know different families going through similar stuff (stuff, indeed :( ) with different outcomes.
a) she cried through the pain of him walking away, but she loved him to no end , and she said: whenever you decide to come back, I am here for you, and they had a great son. He did come back in about a month, and this is 20 years past now, and they are very happy family. He never cheated on her, and her love saved their situation.
b) he decided to stay with another woman, but they remained friends - relatives anyways, through children - and now each has their own family, but they communicate and converse as cousins, and even meet all together, as one extended family at times. Interestingly, they both still love each other, but they wouldn't wish to come back together, just cousins' option works out fine.
c) they depart and never meet before, which is not a good case for children, as then kids manipulate this situation, and it is hard to raise them without conflicts...
d) ..... e) ....
all the people are unique.

I would suggest you all three to converse, HONESTly, openly, just as it is: it may well be that you all three love each other to no end, (like polygamy-situation, which is not the case of acceptance, probably, but a possible feeling it may be), well, and children... this is one toughest situation that could ever happen, ever!

P., in communicating with them, to get emotional won't help: try to be WISE, as you hold the leading role in all this situation now, they are more messed up in their thoughts as they are in guilt, and you're the only reasonable lady, most caring and loving as you are.
I wish you all the best, and to find a way out of this thing,
because life does not end, all of you need to move on... to decide - how, is a question.
Wish you well, P. !

First, let me say that I'm sorry and I feel, not just the hurt, but the complexity of your situation. I was the child in a similar situation. My mother had, and still has, an ongoing affair with her husband's brother. It devestated our family and continues to cause problems...Please know that you are not alone.

I have always wished that my mother had the strength to leave her boyfriend and I have never understood why his wife (my Aunt who was in my life as long as I can remember and whom I loved) still refuses to leave her husband. Neither of them will wade through the pain of starting over. They have dragged us through hell for nearly 20 years instead.

This is a chance for you to find the inner strength you know you have. Once you get through the pain, and betrayl and everything that comes with it, you'll find that you can move forward. And you should as soon as you can, not just for you, but for your children. Initially if you can't find the strength to get you through the day, rely on the strength you have as a mother. The same love for your children that got you up in the middle of the night for months on end is the same love that will help you sleep through the night now. And find support wherever you can; even if it means hiring a counsler to help you through the initial shock. It's worth the money and will give you a place where you can trust, feel safe, and vent. Sometimes it's worth it to pay for a shoulder to cry on.

Good luck! And again, I'm so sorry that this had to happen to you. If I had my way it would never happen to anyone, ever!

My heart goes out to you. If you are not in a church, find a pastor you may feel comfortable talking with. Pastors are bound by law to keep confidences, and their services are free. You don't have to be a member of their church to seek their counsel. I suggested them because they are free. If you are uncomfortable with that, call you local mental health clinic. Set up and appointment and keep it. Their fees are usually sliding scale. When I went through a similar situation (after 24 years of marriage), I found a divorce recovery group and joined. It saved me. It was free, and sponsored by a mental health service. Everyone in that group was compassionate and open. You talk or don't talk. No one forced anything from another. It was truly supportive. It also gave me a social outlet. We went out to dinner together, had potluck, went to movies. All as a members of a group, not as dates. It helped me realize the value I had as a person.
Your kids are going to need help, and you have to be the strong one. You must take care of yourself first. There are other people who will befriend you. It takes time. Again, you have to take care of yourself. Worrying and wondering why, etc. not get sleep, etc. is not taking care. It is hard to focus just on yourself, but it is vital that you do. Otherwise, your kids will have lost you also.
Trust will always be an issue. I has been for me. You will learn to depend on your own feelings and intuitions more and more.
If you would like to email me, please do so. it is ____@____.com name is D.. I am 58, and recently separated after a 10+ year of marriage. I have one son living, who is 34. He lost his wife and child (my only grandchild) about 3 years ago, due to an apt. fire.MY other son died 10 1/2 years ago. We know about suffering. We know about loss. We know about not trusting. I know that I care about you and what you are going through. If you let it, this can be a positive event in your life. Weigh the pros and cons. Losing a cheating husband and a betraying friend are two weights worth losing. You are going to make it through this. So are you kids. You all will be better for it. I won't say 'trust me' on this, but please give it a chance. D.

The only help I can offer is for you to find a church home if you don"t have one and the fellowship that is there will help you get through anything. God is the one you can trust to get you through this time of feeling like this, I would love to pray for you and your healing. God bless, L. O.

P.,
I agree with the other responses that you need to see a counselor. They can help you deal with this and get through it for your kids. Plus they will help you to help your kids get through it.
I am so sorry for what you are going through! It is awful when we are betrayed by one person we love, let alone two people that we love! But, you will get through this, and you will learn to trust again. It will take you some time, but please call a therapist in your area right away. You need to start working through this for yourself and for your children. They need you and I know that they love you dearly!
If you EVER need anyone to talk to feel free to send me a message. I WILL BE THERE FOR YOU ANYTIME!
I will be thinking of you and praying for you!

Please keep us updated on how you are doing! WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU SO MUCH.
D. W

Hi P. I just want to say how sorry I am that you are going thorough this. I can relate, I was in a relationship for 12 years and found out my boyfriend was being with a mutual friend. Although she wasnt my best friend she was someone who had been around for years. I also went through the emotions you went through which is normal. The bottom line is, he dont deserve you. I am married now and couldnt be happier and guess what my x is still with her and miserable. Kharma comes around and it will come back to them. As far as making friends dont let this hold you back but also have your guard up. Stay busy, pamper yourself, always remember Time heals all wounds=]=]=]

Hi there-

I think you should find a counselor that you can talk to on a regular basis. I am so sorry! You'll get through it. Make sure you don't fall into a deep depression over it. Your kids need you. You need to give yourself some time to grieve and then start doing things in baby steps.

I know that it doesn't make sense to hear this now...but...things happen for a reason. I have been reading the Eckhert Tolle books, The Secret (Law of Attration) and a book by Wayne Dyer. Also, Oprah has great interviews of these authors on Oprah.com for her Soul Series on XM radio. Watch those. So like I had a miscarriage...actually tow in a row in the 12th weeks. At first, grieve and cry, and scream....not infront of the kids, but let them know how you are feeling in a PG format. Then pray (meditate). I found that I was not ready to have babies if I had those babies. Now I am. There definately was a reason. I was able to finish my career so to speak and mu husband was able to get enough raises for me to stay home and raise the kids. At any rate...another analogy I heard on one of the shows is about a woman telling her husband to get ris of all his junk as he was boarderline hoarder. Then when he finally did, he was relieved and new great things sort of just came his way as he was open to it...like a cool car. So, mybe these people were actually "baggage" that needed to be lost. Maybe now you will be open to meet the greatest friend you ever had (or she was there all the time but your energy was too much with this other dishonest woman). Maybe you will go on to find the greatest career change you never imagined being tied to a man...and so on. The mother of our dearest friends (five siblings we are friends with all and their spouses) had this happen when they were about your kid's ages. It was hard on them and they are finally going to counselling together once a month. But the mom, she found a whole new life that fits her so much better then before. She joined the Longmont Singles, is having a blast and met a younger man that makes her very happy...and is seperate, but equal...not all that other stuff the cheater was. She is now who she has was always met to be. so open your bottle of wine and toast to a new beginning as now, you can be who you were meant to be...a strong woman, mother, and giver of life. change your thoughts and you will change your life.

P., It sounds like this is for the real deal? I can't quite tell if there is any reconciliation in this family. If there is not for you and your husband than it's time to move on and party like there is NO tomorrow! It's time now to heal your wounds. Getting out and getting going is the very best way to do this in my beleif. It will help you to build more confidence in yourself so that you can be there all force for those children. Do they see their real Dad? Hopefully so....if not they need you even all the more to be healthy happy and there for them. If there is anyway you can try and see if there is anyway to save the marriage that is my first recommendation....but if not...you must get going now!!Times a waisting! I'm your friend and I care.
Kindly Yours,
K.

P.-

First of all, I am so sorry that you're going through such a difficult time. I am so glad that you reached out to us on this site. I know you're a frequent poster and you have a lot of friends here, that's for sure! I can't pretend to understand your situation, but know that it may just be the hardest thing you've ever done.

With that said, know that you're not alone. At this point, your kids need you more than ever. I know you are devastated, and you're allowed to be upset, sad, mad, and all the emotions in between. Try to be strong for your kids. Try to give them some stability and protect them from the chaos going on in your and your husband's lives. That is a really big task, I know - it's asking a lot. If you find that you're having trouble dealing, please seek some help - counselors or whoever may provide you some great tools to help you and your children through this challenging time. Your children are old enough and smart enough to understand what is going on, and that makes it even more difficult.

Your husband violated you and your children by choosing what he did. He is responsible. Know that and don't blame yourself for any of it. It's not your fault - HE chose this - your friend chose this. They didn't include you on this decision, therefore you're not to blame, no matter what.

Trust is a powerful thing - I don't know how that will or could ever be regained. I don't know what your marriage's future is... perhaps you could work through this, perhaps you can't. That's your own decision. Do what's right for you, your heart, and your well being. You'll get a lot of advice like "Leave him right now!" but that's not always the result... know that whatever choice is made, you have support here and no judgment. It's easy to say that you should divorce and get "rid of him." Again, that's a personal decision that you have to make. As far as your relationship with your friend goes, that is a little bit clearer. She betrayed you as your husband did, but that influence needs to be gone - especially if you and your husband are going to try to work through this.

If you do try to work things out, I would plead with you to go to counseling together. Then, as things progress, bring your kids in for counseling as well (family counseling).

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. Please try to take care of yourself, so that you can take care of your kiddos. I understand they are older, but they need you right now. Their foundation has been shaken (as has yours) and you need to hold hands and support each other through this. Your kids will look to you to see how they should react and will look to you to be their constant in this struggle. Even if you have to be strong and "fake it" and then when you're alone you cry in the shower for an hour or whatever, know that you're capable and strong and can do this. Allow yourself to feel and know that you deserve that.

I hope that you seek us out through this challenge and know that we are all here for you when you need us.

Take care of you - take care of your kids - know that we're here to "talk" whenever you need us.

S.

go to church. be the first to talk to people. don't focus on yourself but on others

I am so deeply sorry P.. I cannot imagine losing a trusted friend on top of losing your husband.
Yes, your kids are devestated I am sure.
Seeing their age range, they unfortunately are old enough to understand what happened.
I went through something similar three years ago. While it wasn't my best friend, my ex rekindled a relationship with his high school girlfriend via Classmates and moved 1,000 miles away and we divorced. It was VERY hard on my kids. I never told them nor will I that another woman was involved, however just the loss of their father was enough.
All I can say as it will get better, I know you cannot see that now but it will. Two people stabbing you in the back can do damage to your trust factor, but don't allow their bad choices and ruining a family make you think everyone is that untrustworthy. See your Dr about your sleep. When you are super stressed, you need sleep, if only getting temporary help it will help you think clearer, keep your immune system up and you just have to take care of yourself right now.
Don't put more on the kids then they can handle, even at 13 they don't need to hear grown up problems. Be honest to whatever level per their age they can handle but don't burden them with a lot. They will have a lot of mixed emotions right now and the best thing you can do is not bad mouth their father or your friend (though they deserve it) but keep yourself in composure and take it one day at a time.
They screwed up, you didn't.
The kids will all realize this down the road but you don't want all your feelings to be put on the kids, no matter what age. Let them make their own decisions on that one.
Do you have family you can talk to? Please know if you just need to vent or talk to someone you are welcome to email me on the side. I do understand. It is very hard, you are full of hurt and then it will turn to anger! It took me a good year just to get past everything that went on.
My kids felt my stress, they were 1 and 4 at the time. We all have bounced back, found our groove and as hard as it can be some days I just don't say one negative thing about their father and encourage a relationship with him.
Hang in there and know you will be in my prayers and if you need to send me an email, send me a side note. You will survive and be better for it in the end, PROMISE!! HUGS

Blah, Blah, Blah. It happens to the best of us. Just keep your head up high. I know it is hurting you right now but in time you will be able to see that it wasent ment to be. You will find someone else and be happy again. Think of your children and be strong. My ex left me 10 years ago, I thought my life was going to end. But with my family close to me helped me, I found a job made new friends and found some old frineds and married to someone who cares for me and makes me happy. We have 2 children and I wouldnt change a thing. One one thing you should remeber is that your children need you to be strong. And for your self, go out and enjoy life its not the end of the world. Now you can take your time and start living the way you want to. Good luck. Its not that bad.

So much advice, I'll be brief: you haven't wronged anyone, they did. They have to live with guilt; they've built their relationship on deceit. That shadow will never leave them. Cut them out of your heart. Release them, the pain. You have to forgive (I'm not saying be friends, they don't even have to know you forgave) but forgive to move on, and not let it become a cancer within you. Don't indulge in victim mentality. I've been hurt. We've all got a story to tell. They are merely a story now as you wash your hands of selfish people. It's how you recover that will make or break your life ahead. Friends & lovers come and go. Be strong, choose to let it go and love will eventually find you: stronger, wiser, without baggage...

I'm sorry. My mom had an affair with my dad's friend for 8 years. I was a sophomore in college (20) and my brother was 16 when we found out. It did seem devastating. It ruined our little perfect world. You have a couple of options. You can forgive and try to work things out. Or, you can get a divorce and start all over. Either way, you and your kids are going to need some counseling and time to heal. There is no easy answer. Surprisingly, my Dad told my mom that if she still loved him, he would take her back. Unfortunately, my mom was in love with the other man. So, my parents got a divorce. I can't say how it would have been if my parents worked it out. The divorce was and is awful. Both my parents have moved on and remarried. My dad eventually moved away and got new friends. He still has an open wound 15 years later. He never got counseling. My brother and I are fine. The holidays can be difficult because we have to divide our time between our parents. My husband's parents are also divorced. So, our children have 4 sets of grandparents. Talk about complicated! At family events, my husband's parents are able to put on a happy face and be civil. That is nice for everyone involved. Whereas, my Dad makes things uncomfortable for everyone. Whatever option you choose, you and your husband should try and be amicable for the children (no matter what their age). You and your husband have to decide if you want marriage counseling or a divorce. If you choose to work it out, you are going to have to be the bigger person and forgive. If you choose divorce, you need counseling and time. You can join a book group, a church, a rec center, or some sort of club to meet people. I think you will be surprised how many people will want to set you up with someone or how many people will want to woo you. It will be natural to have a rebound relationship. Take your time getting involved with anyone. It will take you a long time to trust again. It has to be earned. You need to see a professional to get some sleep medication. You need sleep so you can function. Make sure you're eating healthily, too. The last thing you need is health problems. If you are a good model for your children, they will follow suit. But, don't be surprised when they act out. Get them counseling to help prevent them from inadvertantly hurting themselves. Stop using the word devastating. Look at the big picture. You have your health. There are people who have it worse. A tornado, hurricane, or death is devastating. What you are experiencing is awful. But it is not devastating. Humans are resilient. You will survive (Gloria Gaynor's song will be your theme song --- or pick another song). Hugs.

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I will be thinking of your and praying for you. I have a really great councelor, I don't know if that would be helpful to you or not but it's worth a shot. Her name is Cheryl Field and her number is ###-###-####. There are lots of other great councelors in her office. Also, i'd love to be a friend to you. My number is ###-###-####. I may not have any great answers for you but I can listen.

Hi P., I don't have any great advice other than to take it one day at a time. Wake up each day and breathe. Dealing with something like this is almost like dealing with death. If you have a library around see if you can check out some books on grieving. Even if you don't think you are doing anything to help yourself, you are. You came here for advice and support. We are all here for you. Hugs to you.

I'm so terribly sorry. My sister's husband cheated on her two years ago and lied about it. Her boys miss him terribly. He treats his step-kids better than his own because "they love him more." I'm so sorry that there are people out there like that, but know that there are good people out there too! I'll be more than happy to be your friend! You can email me through here.

I just talked to my sister and she advised you to see a doctor for sleeping pills (she couldn't sleep because she kept thinking of the situation) an anti-depressant, and pray for help. Good Luck Friend!!

You need to see a professional counselor. I used to think they were hokey or that I was strong enough and didn't need their help. That was before I was hurt so badly. It's a different situation, but I think we're probably not too far off on the level of pain our husbands have caused us. I've been to a counselor, and it really really helped me to stop my head from swirling and figure out what was real and what isn't.
I'm not exactly taking my own advice right now :) but I'm going to start going again. I thought I was strong enough, but that's not what it's about. My life experience just hasn't prepared me to deal with this awful situation. I'm not sure anyone could be prepared for it. Just like your situation. Only counselors really know how to deal with it!
It sounds like you're depressed (and why wouldn't you be?) You can also talk to your regular physician to get an antidepressant to get you through this. Don't be afraid or ashamed to get the help you need.
If you're LDS, or even if you're not, you can go to LDS Family Services. They're fantastic and their prices are low.
Also, if you haven't already, you need to get a lawyer. I had to talk to one last year. It sounds like you have been married long enough to get alimony, plus child support. That will definitely help! I got a referral from LDS Family Services to find my lawyer.
Church is a great way to meet friends. From personal experience, try not to dump on a new friend. But do share with them a little bit about what you're going through. Meet your kids' friends' parents.
I think I would make my kids my life. Learn to call your husband a cheating jerk and your friend a lying cheater. Go ahead and grieve, get angry, feel all those things that will come naturally. Get it out, then focus on your kids. They're going to have problems with their dad, too, and they'll need you to help them work through them. I know having a purpose, and having others need me is what has helped me not get bogged down too bad.
And think of what you're grateful for. Even if it's just the beautiful mountains around you, think of at least one thing each day that you are happy to have in your life. It will do amazing things to lift your spirits!

Oh goodness, that is a lot to deal with! And I am so sorry, I know the pain you are in right know. Start with baby steps, get up every morning and get dressed, then go to work, don't let their actions define you as a person, don't let them take all that is good in your life and make it a chore. Do not hand them the power to control your life, get up and face each day with a good perspective, your husband and best friend are the ones who deserve what you are going through, but that isn't going to happen, let them see you as the strong woman you are, DO NOT let them define who you will be from here on out. You have 6 children who deserve everything there mom is and was, if you can't do it for yourself do it for them, show them how to pick themselves up and start all over again. I know this kinda rambles, but I can rememebr the feelings very well ( I have been there) so everything is moving faster then my fingers can type. As to new friends that will happen in time, and you may be surprised who steps up to stand beside you right know, don't hide your feeling and tell everyone you are all right, tell them as close to the truth as possible, let them see that you hurt, but like I said before let them also see the strong woman you are, all woman are strong, we have to be. And then get yourself some counseling(sp?). I wish all the luck out there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a double whamy. As difficult as it is, you just have to start with one day - sometimes one hour - at a time. I worked with a counselor - it took a couple of times to find the right one - but once I did it helped to have someone to talk to. I first started one-on-one then also added a group session. One thing that really helped me focus was that I had an infant that needed a full time parent. I needed to be responsible not only for myself but for my child too. Because of the age of your kids, they too will need an outlet, family counseling may be the answer. My prayers are with you. For me that was 26, almost 27 years ago and I am a stronger, better woman for it and have a wonderful daughter with awesome self esteem who now has a family of her own. I did remarry a wonderful man almost 24 years ago. Remember just take one hour at a time and show your kids that life does go on and that you can create your own strong family unit. I'm here to "listen" whenever you need to let it all out. Your not the first and unfortunately will not be the last, but know that you are not alone. We are all here for you - lean on us when you need the added strength to get through each day.

P.,
I don't have any special advice for you ~ just wanted to let you know I'm here for you if you ever want someone to listen. I'm terribly sorry this happened to you, it is unspeakable that not only your husband but best friend would do such a thing. Time heals all. You will build trust and relationships in time. Untill then maybe find a new hobby to keep your mind busy and you'll find comfort and possibly friends. Best wishes may healing come speedily.
S.

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. That must be very painful. Just know you can always write into this website and you will get tons of support, I am sure of it. I have not been divorced, but I have been through some pain. My parents divorced when I was two. We lived in Texas, and my mom ended up moving to Colorado to live near her family. My dad got custody of me, and I travele back and forth, and still do. (I am 28 now.) Both my mom and my dad have been married twice since their divorce, so not only do I have a stepmom and a stepdad, but and ex stepmom and an ex stepdad. It has not been easy. I have lost "family member" through these divorces as well as best friends. Really the only advice I have to give (coming from a child of multiple divorces) it not to talk bad about your ex to them, because the kids should not be involved in that way. I know you are hurting, and sometimes, it just feels better to say something mean, but that won't make the kids involved feel any better, in fact, it will make it worse. There are plenty of us girls out here, especially on this site, who would love to have another friend. I promise, we are not all back stabbers! I would suggest talking to a couselor, minister who cousels, or something of the sort. My mother did this, and even now still does. It really does help. Good luck and if you ever need to talk, just write!

I am so sorry! THat is every woman's worst nightmare. I can't believe that your husband OR your friend would do that to you! Do you attend church, or have family close by that you can lean on? Right now, you need to surround yourself with people who you love and trust, like family. Help your children through this by being as strong as you can. I wish I had better advice...I sympathize with you, and I will keep you in my thoughts.

I have been through this with my best friend for the last three years. Her husband and one of her supposed friends as well. Honey, first of all, I'm sorry. You need to get up and keep going not only for your kids but for yourself. You need to show him and her that you can be strong without them and that yes it's affected you but don't allow them to control your life. You need to get involved in a church if you don't have one and if you do find a group that they have for you to attend. That's the only way you'll find peace and move on. I know that right now this probably very fresh and hurts so bad, but every morning when you wake up, pray and have god give you strength and take a deep breath and get out of bed and start your daily routine again. Surround yourself with positive things and positive thinking. Don't dwell on the past or what's happened. Everytime you do start to focus on something positive in your life. Trusting again is going to be very hard and that person is going to have to earn that trust and you'll have to give it all to god. He'll be the only one that can restore you fully. I give you blessings and will pray for you. If you need someone there's always e-mail through this site, even though you don't know me, I'll be here. God bless

Hi P.,

I am sorry to hear about this. There is no excuse for either of them. I know that it is hard when the people closest to you hurt you so bad. I think the first step is to go through the grieving process, but don't stay there. They both have issue with themselves. Forgive them and be yourself. It doesn't mean you have to let them walk all over you. It just means you will let it be what it is. Let their issues be their issues. Nothing about you gives them an excuse to do to you what they have done. If you can do that, I believe that you and your children will be fine. It sounds as if you will be fine making new friends. You can't do it if you stay in your house. I would be glad to keep in touch with you. I am a single mom to a 15 year old. Please feel free to contact me through this site.

Oh I hurt for you! Not just your husband but your best friend. Double the trust issues! It sounds like you need a therapist or someone profesional to talk with. You are depressed for good reason and need help to dig yourself out! Keep close to your kids. Talk to them they are realing from the betrayal and need you to be there for them. This sounds very difficult and it is. Remember he choose to betray you! Your friend choose to betray you! Hang with it we are all here for you.
C. B

So sorry. This very thing happened to my Aunt. She is a smart and good woman. I believe this is not your fault. Let me know if you want her phone number. She would love to talk to you. I KNOW she is an excellent listener and would surely have the best advice.

I am so sorry you and your kids are going through this. Keep your head up! I know it's easier said than done but you need to stay positive and KNOW that you will get through this. Only you, decides how you react to situations. They will have to face their actions. KARMA is a heck of a thing. Pray and ask God to help you and your kids through this pain. Don't sit around thinking of what happended, take your kids to do something fun. Try and keep your minds busy. Maybe look around for a singles group. I know that there is some at local churches. I know right now it hard but as time goes by you'll look back and see that you are better off without both of them. A true friend never crosses that line, and men are just pigs. Belive that you have something better coming in your lives!
I wish you the best! God Bless!

P.,
Am so sorry about that.
I had a cousin that I was very close to slept with my husband
so believe me I know how you feel.
But P., listen to me. You are worth alot. Look what you have accomplished, you have 6 children what a legacy. And I'll bet if you think about it you will know that you are worth more than that.
Hold your head up, you didn't do anything wrong so stop acting like it.
I'll bet you are beautiful on the inside and out.
So hey, it's the dogs lose. As for you best friend, she probably coveted everything you have including your children. So look at what she has lost. The love of you children and your friendship. She is a LOSER AND SHE DESERVES YOUR LOSER HUSBAND.
Those kind of friends are few and far between. So don't be afraid of trusting again.
Good luck honey.

as a survivor --- it is imperative for your survival in whole that you forgive and this can only be done in its entirety with a relationship with God. Pills, pity parties and newfound friendships at this time is not the answer................you will be bombarded with many thoughts that are not conducive to your recovery, however, as you grow with God's agape love and comfort, you can find peace that will surpass any understanding. you will learn to let go and truly let God -- you will find there are so many great things in store for you regardless the outcome -- may God bless u!

(((hug))) I am so sorry. I haven't been through this specific situation, but I have been through other things...with children watching. I think that their future happiness has determined that I have reached out for help in the past, otherwise I would never bother when I'm in a depressive, hurt state. I do it because I have to show them how to deal with this sort of life crud that gets thrown at me from time to time...it gets thrown at all of us. I don't want to teach them that if life throws out something terrible at them that they should sit and rot inside. I'm glad you've asked the group...that you are already searching for help. I've reached out for help by seeking out therapy. I've reached out for help by getting to my doctor. I've reached out for help by joining support groups. Whatever method I've turned to depending on what I'm dealing with, I've always found that strength to walk through my difficulties and move forward. I have found out that forgiveness is not saying something is okay, but rather releasing the hurt that I feel. That's a tough one...I've held onto hurt many many times and have had to have help to release it, to find out how to do that. Sometimes I can release pain quickly, sometimes I take a long time. The times it takes longer for me, I like to notice that even for a few minutes one day, I haven't thought about it...whatever it is that has hurt me. When I've gotten to that point, I know I'm letting go. Sometimes I've had to focus hard on the moment so my brain doesn't run wild and repeat exactly what I'm doing right then over and over in my mind, forcing my thinking of whatever I'm stirring in my brain out of me...when my brain stirs in my pain, I lose out so much in my life. This effort to stay in the moment has worked very well for me. Anyway, there are lots of things I've learned...lots of tools to help me know how to achieve what you are wanting and they are out there for you, too. (((hug)))

P.,
I would look into support groups or a moms club. even though your kids are older there are still mom's groups that are specifically for mom with school age kids, if you can't find one, maybe you can start one. a doctor or church leader could probably help you find something right for you. Most of all, Don't give up. My dad is going through a divorce right now after 25 years of marriage and even though he gets lonely, he's finding that he is much stronger than he thought. I'm sure you will find that you are much stronger than you imagined too. find something special that you would like to do just for yourself. take a dance class, or pottery, whatever interests you. Just don't let your husband's bad choices ruin your life, you deserve way better than that! i hope that some of this helps. you're a strong woman and you'll be able to pull through this.

My heart goes out to you P. and I have already said several prayers and will continue to do so! The ladies have given you some great advice, so I won't be long. Find a church family, a pastor and surround yourself with people who do and will love you through this! Give yourself grace and remember that none of this is your fault! They made their own choices in this. Lastly, when you are ready, check this website out: http://www.heartconnexion.org/about_hcm.html It is a website of an incredible ministry helping others to a better, fuller, life. It is what helped my mother to get past the breakup of her 28 year marriage. I have gone, my husband has gone and we are sending as many as we can. It is based on the love and grace of God, but is not the sole focus of the workshops. It is life changing and empowering! I would love to tell you about my own experience with this if ever you want to hear it!