Need Help with Feelings Through Divorce

I recently began the divorce process from my husband. I didnt have to get a restraining order. I have all four of my kids 24/7 and woudlnt change that for the world but yes it is exhausting. All the time.I do one day at a time. Luckily all my kids know that they are much better off without their father living here.
Get someone for all of you to talk to.
Ask your friends and relatives for help, a break now and then.
Breath....it can always be worse.
email me if you ____@____.com

easier said then done, but it is okay to be alone. I LOVED being alone! Sounds awful, but use this time to "find" yourself, reconnect with old friends, do fun stuff with the kids, get a part time job doing something you love, sleep across the whole bed! Watch what YOU want at night, once your hubby gets over himself, maybe the kids will go to him every other weekend and you'll have that time to yourself. It can be so much better than it seems. Youre still hurting, but it will go away with time. And, remember, DO NOT rush into a relationship because you hate to be alone, it will end up bad, trust me. Ive been where you are, and it DOES get easier! Good Luck!

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I feel for you. I am not in the exact situation but I am feeling your pain. My husband and I have been at each other alot and I just don't know if I can put myself through this and my kids. I think at times that maybe we'd be better without him. But my kids are so close to him. I don't know what to do. I am the one who stays home and takes care of them 24/7. Boy it wears on you. But hang in there. THey are only acting out becuase they don't know how to deal with the situation andy other way.
Also be careful bringing other men around. It's a dangerous world today.
But I care about you and your kids. I don't know if you believe in God or Jesus. But I know that he never gives us anything we can't handle. Just call on the strength of God and know that he will see you through. And when you can try to have a minute to yourself.
Try to enjoy your kids too. Remember they don't stay this age forever. They'll be all grown up before you know it. Use this time to really for a bond the three of you. I know somethime my 3 year old just wants me to listen. Maybe sit down and let the kids just talk and be kids. They really respond when you get down on there level. Maybe that will help.
take care, everything will be ok!

hi D. I'm so sorry..... Are you getting some counseling too because you sound so sad.... Are you affliated with a church because a pastor or minister can help too? you need to heal first before you can even think about moving on to another relationship do that if not for you do it for your girls....look to your friends for support. get a babysitter If you can even for an hour... try some yoga or exercise again i'm so sorry. god bless K. d

I have so been in a situation that I had to be alone, when I was 30, my 1st husband was diagnosed with a terminal form of brain cancer.
He lived for only 9 months after his diagnosis. I had 2 children and one on the way, yes got pregnant while he was terminal.
He passed away before my little one was even born.
It is not easy, finding people that you relate to and that you can talk to was the only way for me to get through it.
If you want to just vent or email me, you can do this at ____@____.com
I am 41, and have finally remarried 3 years ago, and now have a little one that is about to turn 3 and a new one on the way.
be well
L.

You need to find a support group online or in person as just looking for someone so you will not be alone will be a bad road to go down and not stable for the kids.

This will be something you will have to face and learn which is why you need support, there are many groups out there for single parents and Yahoo has many many groups also..

You need to be strong now for you and the kids and still grieve for your marriage as well..do you go to Church ? they have groups too..
Parents without Partners etc

Good Luck, see if your family can babysit so you can have some time to just think and make lans

When I ended a lengthy relationship, it was difficult for the same reasons. Then I realized (with advice from a friend) that the reason my relationship hadn't been satisfying and had ended was BECAUSE I can't be alone! I needed to have confidence in myself and the belief that I am worthwhile and WONDERFUL to be with--if I didn't realize that, I would NEVER be a good partner to anyone. On her advice, I would go out to eat at a nice restaurant ALONE. It felt weird at first, but I needed to realize that I need no one to feel worthwhile. Then I started doing things that I enjoyed, contributed to others lives and when I met my current husband, he enhanced my life. I didn't NEED him to feel good about myself--I already felt good about myself.

The reason I didn't mention your kids in this is because they also need you to feel good about yourself without depending on that from someone else. If they think you NEED them or NEED a companion, they will not only take advantage of that (which it seems they've been doing) but they will also begin thinking that this is how people are in the world.

If you don't believe in yourself and know how wonderful you are, how can you ask others to?

YOU CAN DO THIS!!

D.-
I have a friend who is going through something similar right now. The best advise I can offer is get some counceling yourself and get into a divorce support group asap. I will pray for you tonight.

E.

D.- you really need to take care of yourself, too. By asking us moms for help, you're taking the first step. Ask the kids counselor if he/she has someone to recommend for you to see. You're going through some HUGE changes and stresses. You need to find support-through church, family, friends, counseling to get you through this tough time. Best of luck. Just do the best you can,and don't be too hard on yourself.

It's great that your children are in counseling - and you ought to be too. You need to work out with an impartial professional why you have this fear of being alone. You don't want to start a cycle in which you have new man after new man, just to avoid being alone. That will be confusing for the kids and damaging to you. You need to find your own two feet and learn to be on your own, not just for yourself and your own emotional health, but to model that for your kids too. Best of luck to you!

I, too, hate being alone. Instead of focusing on this part, try thinking about this as a time to develop yourself as an individual. It still will be hard, but it is amazing what a change of mind can do for you. I would also suggest getting a therapist, finding a support group, and maybe looking for a mom's group.

D., you need to get yourself some counceling for what you are going through. You sound very depressed and I really feel that medication will only mask your problems. You have to some how, some way find the strength within yourself to deal with what is going on and being alone. You are definitly being tested. Being OK with being alone is something that you have to learn if you don't have it. You cannot be with just anyone just to be with someone. It sounds like it is a huge step that you are divorcing your husband who you were probably with for far too long because you'd rather not be alone. So be proud of yourself-your trying to make a better life. The truth is, you're not alone. You do have your kids. And they need you so much; you all have to stick together. Try talking to a phychologist. I've done this and it has helped me find my way through some difficult things.

Hi D.,
I am a single mom too and I'm sorry that you're hurting so much. I have been divorced twice.. it's a terrible thing to feel alone and not know what to do. My kids' dad was also not involved in their lives until just recently. It took a lot of therapy together to begin being friends again and to learn how to parent together. It's still not perfect but it seems to be working.
It's great that your kids are seeing someone. Please keep that up no matter what. it really helped my daughter who was 7 when all this happened to me.
Do you enjoy your work? If not then maybe it's time to make a move on one of your life's passions.. Something passionate in your life can bring you hope.
Are you in the marital home? Can you afford it?
If you can't then cutting back can help relieve some stress and make you happier. Going it alone successfully can make all the difference in your inner peace. YOU CAN DO THIS.
Are you seeing a therapist? I did and it really saved me from myself. If you need a good one I can suggest one or help you find one.
I don't have any family to help me either and that can be so troubling as well. "Why me? Why don't I have help when everyone else does? " It hurts to feel that pressure and pain as well.
I'm glad that you have reached out for help.. There are more women than you know doing it alone, making it work, hoping for love and companionship and raising kids alone.
You can do this. You can be alone.. you can survive.
And when love is right and ready it will be there for you. Believe in it - love will find a way for YOU.
Check out my blog: www.sisterhoodsite.wordpress.com
It shares more about my story and will soon have links for women to help other women - women who are independent and trying to make it alone, just like you.
Take care and write me back!

Hi D.,
Listen, don't take this the wrong way, but you need to empower yourself girl! You need to be confident in yourself and believe in yourself. It seems you have been so use to having some one there to help you along that you depended on that, and now they're not and you are in turmoil over it.
You gotta let it go. You and your kids are whats important right now, and you have two wonderful little girls who are looking to you for an example! You can do this, and you need to do this! You do not need someone else next to in life to help you live!! You are I'm sure a very intelligent woman who needs to get herself back in control of her life and children's life. You are it, and they need you. You need you! You gotta stop looking for excuses to feel alone and sad and start enjoying your life and your kids lives with you!
I'm telling you this because I have been through similiar situations in my life, with alot of what you are going through now. The not having family around, not many friends, being alone with just your kids 24 seven!! I know! But you gotta look at the positive things in your life and not be dwelling on the past and stressing yourself out! You can get through this and you will. Just remind yourself everday you wake up that you are important and you are going to be happy no matter what, because you deserve that and your girls deserve that!
Sorry if I sound a little harsh, but you know life can be touph someetimes, you just have to go at it headon! Have faith and I don't know if you are the religious type, but I wasn't until I began praying for guidance and comfort in my rouph times. And I can tell you, thats also what brought me around. I wish you lots of luck and happiness! Take care.

Kris

Hi D.,

I too have been through a divorce. I know your feeling of lonliness. I was once there. Do you have anyone (friends) that you can lean on? Also a good idea to seek counseling to help you and children through this very tough time in your lives. Be proud that you are out on your own (although it is difficult for you). You will struggle but you will do it and be much stronger because of it. You need to be strong for you and your children. Just take it one day at a time and each day will get better. If you need someone to talk to feel free to email me any time. ____@____.com

God bless you! Working full time, taking care of your children, helping them work out their feelings while dealing with your own feelings and fears. Do you have a trusted coworker you can talk to? A pastor? You need a shoulder to cry on - but please don't be too quick to jump into another male relationship just for that. That's not fair to him, or your kids, or YOU. You have to sort things out first. First, get yourself and your kids SAFE. I assume that's what the restraining order was for. Try not to badmouth him in front of the kids, he's still their father, however horrible his behavior. Make sure their daycare knows of the volatile situation, and give them a copy of the restraining order if it applies to contact with them, so they are in the loop. But do it out of earshot of the kids. Be positive around the kids, maintain stability for them at your house as much as you can. Make your home a calm sanctuary if you can, and maintain their usual schedule as much as possible. Kids need stability. Can you make an appointment for counseling for your lunch hour, maybe once a week or a couple of times a month, because you need someone to talk things through with. I know it's expensive but believe me you need it, for your sanity. You can't keep everything bottled up inside. If you are depressed, you can get antidepressants to help you through - it doesn't mean you'll need them all the time, but for a short term maybe, in this crisis situation? I don't know if you believe in God, but PRAY for His help, and read His word. There are lots of Bibles out there, Women's Devotional Bibles even, in plain English so you can understand them. Get yourself in a good, Bible-based church, join a women's fellowship group if they have one. You need "sisters" around you to help build you up. God bless you!

I am going through a divorce myself and know some of the feelings you speak of. I agree with some of the other posts that you need to surround yourself with support, friends, moms groups... My family is very small and I had to literally build my own family to help through the difficult times. In my opinion, though I don't know how long you have had him out of the house, I would suggest NOT getting involved with someone else for a while and really, truly focusing on yourself and your children. It sounds like your ex had some hard issues and I have heard that if we don't do the work to figure out why we were drawn to that person, we will inevitably be drawn to the same type later on. Counseling can be great and also helps you not to feel alone.I also agree with a community church and the one mentioned in Franklin sounds wonderful. Often you will meet people who will offer to watch your children from time to time if you need that. I wish you the best. This is a major turning point in your life. You need to be as strong as you can be for your children. When moments get tough I imagine life ahead and know it only gets better over time. You will look back on this one day and be so incredibly proud of yourself for taking these difficult first steps. REmember you are never alone so long as you have your children. Good luck and prayers are being sent your way.

Oh my dear, this is such a hard time.
Firstly, when you took vows, before God, wether you are a christian or no, you made vows before and to God. Therefore you were part of His great mystery, He took them , man and woman , and made them one.
In other words, your husband actually became part of you and you of him.
Sometimes we make bad decisions when it comes to picking out a husband/wife and divorce seems to be the only answer. When divorce happens you have ripped your former husband from your heart, spirit, and soul.
You have a wound.
It needs time to heal so that you can become whole again.
From my years of age I have observed that it seems to take one to three years before this healing is complete.
In this time you have this "gaping hole" and your first instinct is to fill it. With almost anyone acceptable. (such as your friend) These relationships are seldom good or long lived.
Now, many people look for happiness outside themselves. They seem to think if they had this house, this car, this man, this furniture, ect ect ect , they would be "happy"
Happiness does NOT come from external or material things.
It comes from within, from peace within yourself, contentment with what you have.
This "if-I-had-this-or-that" mentality exacerbates any discontent that may be smoldering within one. And this throw away, materialistic society does little if nothing to teach otherwise.
I strongly advised my divorced daughter , who , too, is in her early forties, that until she had a life with her daughter that did not need a man in it, she was NOT ready for another man.
She has just started tentatively dating again after three years and finds herself much more able to pick and choose.

You certainly have a full plate with two small children, a new divorce from a threatening man and a full time job.
But you CAN make it through this.
A tincture of time for one thing.
Another suggestion would be a divorce support group..well worth the cost of a reliable babysitter one evening a week. ( Call the local high school and get babysitter who is certified so you wont worry )
One does need to talk these things through. And without family to support you the group could be very beneficial to you.
The girls probably intellectually understand divorce..maybe not so much the three year old but certainly the six year old.
Emotionally their world has just disintegrated. Children take solace and feel secure and safe when Mum and Dad are in place as they should be.
Reassure them that Daddy and Mummy still love them very very much..that they just do not love each other any longer. Tell them this as many times as they need to hear it. Have a routine for them to follow. Rules in place give them something that stays the same and grounds them. Let, yes, even encourage them to talk about their feelings.
But DO NOT, under any circumstances, discuss your adult situation with them. It is so wrong to burden a child with a thing they are helpless to change.
Will their father be a part of their lives? Does his misbehavior preclude visitations? If so, it will be a bit harder for you to sort out. Again there are support groups for this.
I am suggesting support groups because I think if you belonged to a church you may well have said so and you would probably already have the support you need. You could join a church, Baptist, Nazerene, Episcopal, Orthodox Presbyterian , Seventh Day Adventists..are some that do worship in truth. You could try several, see how that goes. Remember, if you dont like it , you dont need to return, yes?
You may well find the support, help and direction you need there.
You can and will make it through this hon. Truly you will. The loneliness will diminish.. ( its part of the gaping wound thing too)
Just make haste very slowly with relationships. Have patience. And know, many of us do care.
If you want to please feel free to email me.
Best wishes and God bless
Grandmother Lowell

Hi D.
My heart breaks for you. I can understand the feelings you have. Have you tried talking to someone from the Womens Violence Project? http://www.avp-me.org/
Try to reach out to friends and family, they may not understand how this has affected you.
Remember to stay strong and positive for your children. They need you in their life. Women do 95% of the parenting; where the father does the remaining. They are young, and don't understand what's going on- only that their dad is not home.
Everything will be okay, and things get better over time. This is just an obstacle, or a bump in the road. You will pass over it =)
Keep your head up, and remember that there are people out there that care about you and your kids. I do.
Please keep me informed, and if you ever need a friend you can contact me at ____@____.com
Much Love
R.

Hi D.,
When I divorced, I remember that feeling of alone and being so sad and so upset. I never had to go the restraining route but everything else I can relate to and I have three children. When he would take the kids, the house so quiet, etc. I hated it as I couldn't remember the last time I was actually alone, really alone. My family in another state, etc. I went to counseling myself and that helped tremendously and I would highly recommend. Funny how things change as now when the kids are with their dad, I LOVE IT!! I love having time to myself. Remember you are going through the absolute hardest time right now and it will get better. face your fears with some counseling, walk through it and come out the other end and you will be very, very happy with YOURSELF and that will make all the difference in the world! Good luck and you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Hi, D.. First of all, you are NOT alone - you have your two girls! As long as you treat your girls well, they will always be there for you. Remember: you only get out of your children what you put into them. I am a single parent, have always been. So I can tell you that you have to be BOTH mother and father to them. Two good ideas I read below that people sent you are: 1. their email addresses - a few gave them, so write to these kind people who are reaching out to you! and 2. God - even if you are not very religious, when you feel like you can't handle something, just 'throw it up to God' and tell Him that! say: "God, I just can't handle this! Please help me, I am throwing it up to you!" and it will feel like a weight is off of your back and you will see, He WILL help you! Also, please don't feel as if you are not a whole person without a man. I know it must be tough when you see couples together, but you CAN do it alone. I am living proof of it. Also, if you feel alone at home, just put on the TV - I do this all the time! It makes the house more alive (plus I live in the country and it's very quiet, and sometimes makes me nervous! I grew up in the noisy city!) So good luck to you and don't forget - leave the TV on all the time!

I'm so sorry you have to be going through this right now. My ex moved out when our son was 9 months old. I never had to do the restraining order thing, and at this point we split custody 50/50 (our son is 7 now and we are both remarried.) I really understand the part about hating to be alone. What helped me in the first year or two was having a roommate. I had an extra bedroom in the house (had been the guestroom) and she moved in there. It really helped to have another adult around to help out, talk to, and just provide some adult companionship. I very highly recommend doing this if you possibly can. It really helps, particularly if the person is able/willing to help with the kids/chores/etc. possibly for a lower rent. It also made me a bit less desperate to jump into another relationship -- I still hated sleeping alone, but there was someone sharing my day-to-day life, which was an enormous difference.

Good luck. Feel free to email me if you want to talk.

Here me out. I swear this saved my girlfriends from the overwhelming pressure of being the only go to person after a marriage flipped over. Not sure where you live. Also not sure what religion you practice. It sounds crazy but there is a church in Franklin called New England Chapel. The pastor is amazing. The church basically has this uplifting spirit. My girlfriends and I (some who are in your same situation) go there for the wonderful sense of support and community. It is non-denominational with a wide range of people from Catholic to Baptist or agnostic. There is a support group that would be a huge strength for you. I know prayer is not for everyone. But this is like life mentoring. Your children will be with other kids while you have an hour to connect and be energized. They have single/divorced groups, parenting workshops ect. Hang in there.

I am divorced with two little girls as well (6 and 4).

I have a friend who is in the same boat as yours. She has reconnected with a lot of old friends and has made some new ones. Among all of us, we help her whenever we can by taking her daughter and giving her some private time. I know it is hard when you have your girls all the time. I also know that dealing with them is difficult when you are trying to deal with your own issues. But if you can make their home as stable and their lives as normal as possible, then they wll come through this o.k. It's a huge crater in the road, but you will learn to navigate around it.

As for being alone, you do get used to it. I hated it at first, too. Don't rush into a relationship - if you can find a "friend" and keep it light, it will certainly help. But you really need to find out who you are first. I can't tell you how ot be alone or how to quiet the demons in your head. All I can say is stop putting so much pressure on yourself. You still have a lot of life left to live and you deserve to enjoy it.

Im so sorry you are going through this. I have been through a divorce..my son was 18mos at the time and it was very difficult. Its hard to go from having the father around and having a support system to not having any of that.
I went on anti depressants, went to counseling and made time for myself (which I know is hard!) Try to find a support group or some sort of support system so you can do things for you. I think its great your children are in counseling. I know its hard to imagine now but things will get better. Take care of yourself

Hi D., first let me say how sorry that I am that you are going through all of what you are going through. I will keep you in my prayers.

You need to be with really good friends at this time. I am a Jesus girl. When I need something, I find all my answers in Christ. He is my strength and my rock. He has never given me anything that Him and I couldn't handle together. But the key word is together.

You might want to get some counseling of your own. Any Pastor from a church will councel you and ITS FREE. Try and find some Mommy and me groups so that you can spend some fun time with your kids while you are also with other adults.

Try to stay calm and firm with your kids. That was the big ticket for me with my kids. They need to know that you are the authority figure now. If you get irritated easily or at all they will pick up on that and share it with you.

Good luck and blessings

Hi D. - I know you are going through a difficult time right now, which you may feel as though will never get better, but you WILL find a light at the end of the tunnel, AND breath a big sign of relief. Please, just be patient and let it happen. I would highly recommend you real the book “Broken Open: How Difficult Times Help Can Us Grow” it’s written by Elizabeth Lesser and it is really, really great and inspiring. You probably don’t have much time for reading, but you really need to remember that you must do something for yourself during this time to take care of yourself, and this book would be time well spent. Take care,

Kim

i'm so sorry, i dont know how ya feel! but that's awful if you live in rhode island i'm a great babysitter!!!

I know that this is a hard time for you, and easier said than done but you need to remember that you don't NEED anyone! I went through a divorce 20 years ago, and although I am sure it is much harder with children involved, I can honestly say that it WILL GET EASIER! You need to be strong for yourself and your kids. I know your saying to yourself right now "she has no clue", but I really do. There is one thing that I know for sure and that is we all have the means to make ourselves happy and we do not need anyone else to be there for us. I used to think I needed to be with someone, until I was pushed to the point of no return and realized that I was so much better off with out him. It is always scary to embark on the unknown, but the sweetest fruit is always out on a limb, right?

On the flip side it is much harder with children and my advice for you there is to join a parenting group, trade off with other moms for "play dates". Is/was your husband violent towards you or the children? I certainly do not wish to pry, but if he was abuseful in any way, physical, emotional whatever, you are far better off without him. However if there is another reason, cheating, drugs, just not getting along, I would try counseling. How long have you been married? It may be worth it to try to exhaust very possible option before you call it quits. The most important thing to do is put on the best front you can for your kids, they need to see that mom is all right, even if dad isn't around. Once they see that you have things under control - even if every night you cry yourself to sleep, their behavior should get better, as with anything major in life, time truly does heal all wounds!

You need to believe in yourself and make you happy before you can make anyone else in your life happy.

If you would like to talk to someone who can be a neutral party and listen and allow you to vent, please feel free to email me directly at ____@____.com. I am happily remarried now for 8 years with a 5 year old boy and a 19 mo old girl.

I wish you lots of love, luck and patience!
God Bless you!
D.