How Do I Ask My Husband to Deal with My Children Differently? or Do I?

I had several thoughts as I read your request. Feel free to adopt anything that fits, and toss anything that doesn't.

I'm not sure how old your kids are, but if any of them are mid-elementary or older, teach them what to do if they don't get picked up. Maybe ask the school office to call home, or arrange with a neighbor to be your back-up transportation (and offer the same service in return), or teach the kids a safe route home from school, and be sure they know what strangers are okay to talk to (teachers, police, neighbors they know, local merchants, etc.). Sooner or later, every child will have to deal with an unexpected situation, so give them some basic skills so they'll be more resilient.

As far as your ex criticizing you or step-dad, just smile sincerely and say, "Thanks for your concern. I'm sure you heard a version of the story that worries you. I'm glad you care. I'll be happy to tell you the adult side of the story if you want to hear it." Don't act defensive or make excuses, don't tell him he shouldn't worry or be mad, don't argue back, just don't put any energy into his criticism. The change in your response will probably surprise your ex and he'll lose some steam.

If you want to talk to your husband about your worries, look into the techniques taught in the process called Non-Violent Communication. You can google this for the basic process, tips and examples, and sources of books, videos and classes. It teaches you how to identify and communicate your needs and feelings clearly and respectfully, and listen to your spouse with clarity and respect. It's very useful.

First and foremost I agree with what Michelle W. said about being more responsible about picking up the kids on time. If he is accepting the responsibility of picking up the children then he needs to be more responsible about it. What are his reasons for being late or not being there at all?

Second of all, who cares if your children tell your ex about his temper or yelling at them? You said he’s a wonderful loving man but that he loses his temper. Don’t we all? As long as he’s not losing his temper in a bad way (throwing things, abusive, using bad language, etc) it’s fine. There is nothing your abusive ex can do about it. Why do you have to hear it? You are under no legal obligation to take his calls right? Have him email you anytime he has something to say and that way you can read it when you are ready and can emotionally think “why do I care about what an abusive ex husband has to say?” like he’s an expert?? LOL

Third, you say your husband takes care of your kids and for 2 days alone! Do they have respect for their step-dad? Do they get along? How do your kids feel about him? Sounds like you need to have a talk with your kids about WHY they feel a need to complain to their Dad about step-dad. It must hurt your husband’s feelings when here he is taking care of his step-kids who then turn around and talk bad about him to their Dad. Does that make sense?

Do your kids wish you were back together with your ex? That would make sense to me as to why they are ratting out step-dad to dad.

Anyway that’s just my POV. It’s always refreshing to hear about a step-parent caring for their step-kids as if they were their own. Only because I usually hear the opposite of Moms complaining that step-dad is not involved emotionally with the step-kids. Sounds like you have a good man and he needs to be recognized for being a great step-dad.
In answer to your question about what needs to change...I say both =-)

Well you're sad and frustrated because you are caring and carrying everything on your shoulders.
Can you just have a good heart to heart talk with your Hubby and tell him your'e sad about it and "why", like how you told us here?

Men, often don't think ahead 100 steps ahead of their actions.

Tell him, the kids will tell their Bio-Dad. And that concerns you... and how can you BOTH... problem solve that? Get your Husband's input... make him a PART of the solution... not making "him" the "problem." If you make your Husband the "problem"... it will not go well and he will get defensive and he will fight with you about it and it will get ugly. TELL your Husband that he is wonderful... so you are not picking on him or criticizing him... but that it worries you... because the kids tell your Ex things.
So, make him a PART of the solution, asking him for "ideas" on how to improve the situation and that your kids tell their Bio-Dad things????

If your kids are older... maybe ALL sit down, and have a nice FAMILY "meeting" about it... explaining the situation, and how can THEY all HELP in this? Making THEM a part of it too???? Maybe then, the kids will also "realize" what happens and how it affects other people, and You, their Mom. But make sure, that they CAN express themselves to you and their Step-Dad... about what bothers them. It has to be a 2-way street. Then it will foster better communication and cooperation. But don't make the family meeting about scolding/blaming others. Make it constructive/praising for their efforts and how you are all a "team" in this.... because everyone is trying their best.

Next, just try to make sure Hubby knows he has to be more prompt. It is about child safety too. What if NO ONE was able to pick up your kids when he was late and they were there forever ALL by themselves, and some stranger tried to pick them up??? Tell your Hubby, it is about child safety.... too.
He/you can't always "assume" your kids will go home to the neighbor's, when he is late.

All the best,
Susan

well it sounds like you have a great husband:) just sounds like yall need 2 have a little talk and if ur childern are older let them know they dont have to let there dad know everything

I don't think you have to tell him to deal with the kids differently. Just tell him he needs to be more responsible. Like, how do you not pick up a kid from school? Everyone runs a bit late every now and then but he had to be very, very late if your kid went home with a neighbor. It sounds like he doesn't have any kids of his own or if he does, his kids are all grown up and he needs to make the adjustment back to pareting again.

Sounds like you need a heart to heart talk about adjusting, parenting and responsibility. I would think after 3 years he would have adjusted. Perhaps let him do more with the kids to aid in that adjustment that's necessary.

Maybe open the communication with your kids a bit. Encourage them to tell you what's going on instead of telling their bio dad. He's important to them (and should be), but then they aren't "tattling". They're talking openly with their mom.

Also, talk to your husband and get on the same page about parenting. You're the expert with your kids. Teach him so he's an expert (or at least close) too!

You could talk to your husband about things like being late to pick up the children, that is unacceptable if chronic, but as far as your X goes, tell him to shove it. Your kids tell him because they are kids and they think they can play you off one anther to get what they want. I would not only call the children out on this but talk to your X about it and tell him that you are no longer going to listen to him complain at you about things when he is clearly allowing his children to manipulate him. Children do not like being disciplined, that is normal, my children tell me all the time that they are going to tell Daddy on me. If you and you X can sit and talk and try to get on the same page when it come to parenting so you can show a united front it would go a long way towards smoother future relations.

It sounds likes its all coming back to communication - communication between you and your kids and you and your new husband.

Your husband knows when he needs to leave to get your daughter from the bus, if that isn't going to happen he needs to communicate that with you, so you can go get her or see if the neighbor is able to. Communicate to him your concerns and how you don't want to give your ex an ammunition to fire back at you and that the kids are feeding all that fuel to their father. Your husband doesn't necessarily have to change but he does need to be more aware of his actions/decisions and the consequences that come with them.

Now for the conversation between you and your kids - depending on their ages this may be easier said than done. But, I would ask them a few questions: do they like/love their step-faather? Do they think he is "mean" sometimes? Do they think their father would have acted any different in the same situation?

Then, depending on their answers you may need to talk to your husband again or instigate some open communication between he and your kids, but with you kids I would continue to talk to them about what happens when they tell their father all those things about their step-father and how it makes your ex think he is a bad person when your kids probably don't think that at all. I'm sure they don't realize the damage/problems coming from Daddy asking them these questions and I"m sure Daddy is using them asking these questions specifically to see what he can get - even if he probably would have done the same thing (like yell at them if they didn't do what they were told). But, it also sounds like your ex wasn't much of a parent and liked to chastize you about it, if that was the case then he really has no ground to stand on if your husband is showing innitiative and trying to be a parent.

Anyway, I hope that helps and makes sense. I know I have to be careful what I say to my family about my husband because they have formulated an untrue opinion about him as a parent - and he is the father of our children. So, maybe your kids will understand that sometimes it isn't any one else's business (even their dad's) about what their step-dad is doing, and maybe they can be more broad when talking to their father and just say, "like anybody he has good days and bad, but for the most part he is really great and we really like him."

Good Luck!