Do Stepdads Usually Get Along Well with Kids?

I'm going to answer from my experience. My step-dad gave the relationship a lot of room as he knew my father was in my life. Met him when I was nine and really began to more than tolerate him when I was in high school, valued him in college and now can't imagine not having him in my life. It takes a LONG time and you are right on when it comes to their loyalty belonging to their dad. I think my time line followed my own development, when I learned that I didn't have to necessarily choose, but both could be a part of my life and influence me. Most important was allowing for that space, time and consistency.

Jen

I think it depends on the kids and how loving the step-dad is. There is a family with whom I go to church with. Mom has twin boy and girl. My heart just melts seeing them together. In church he has arm around one and the other is leaning in to him. They are going into sixth grade this year and do that! Most bio kids don't even do that with their parents! I think they have been married three years and the kids' bio father gets regular visitation. So seeing this blended family, I know there is hope!

My situation is somewhat unique, Andy was a friend of mine long before I was pregnant with Tyler, Andy was around throughout my pregnancy and saw Tyler when he was a baby. Andy and I became a couple when Tyler was 3...Andy doesn't treat Tyler any differently than our other children that we have had together. Tyler does have a relationship with his Bio-dad, Tyler will tell you that Andy is more of a father to him than his Bio-dad, but Tyler has never called Andy dad. Not sure if this helps or not? Good luck, all relationships take work whether it is a bio-bond or otherwise.

I'm sure people are tired of hearing my story from other posts! But it's relevant to your question, so here goes....My guy has been living with me and my kids for over two years, it's been nearly 4 years since I left my husband. Said kids are 17, 15, 13, youngest being the only girl....I've known my guy for almost 30 years, he is 10 yrs older than me, I babysat his daughter when I was a teenager....Even though we are officially divorced now (with the ENORMOUS legal bills to show for it), I don't really see the need to get remarried, he would like to, he is patient on that subject. Bio-dad is legally in the pix but takes very little REAL interest in the kids. Technically they are suposed to spend every other weekend with him but they are busy and he won't take them if they have plans....bio-dad and I have a very strained relationship still, I left him because he's an abusive drunk, he thinks I left him because I decided I don't like him anymore, sigh, he will be mad at me for the rest of his life, he lumps the kids and I together as a single unit, when we were together he behaved like the kids were a hobby of mine that he would allow unless it got too expensive (which it always did, of course). Still he treasures his bragging/bitching rights without acknowledging the responsibility that goes along with them. The kids and I have a pretty good thing. They are all excellent students, we have a very relaxed household. My guy for the most part eased easily into it. Besides being my financial savior, very generous with what's his, he is much more of a father than their father is. He is the man with whom my daughter (13) has a 'daddy's little girl' relationship. He offer my boys 'dumb guy' stuff they never got from their father. He clearly loves the kids and enjoys their company, and vice versa, but they will always call him by his first name. Sometimes we do use the term step, but it almost lends a negative tone that is not appropriate for us. It's not a perfect situation. Occasionally my guy is frustrated, he wants to 'parent', sometimes he would like to try to do a thing different than the way we already do it, I don't want him to feel he has NO SAY whatsoever, but I feel like things are working, why change it? It makes me feel unappreciative of his contributions when I don't change a certain parenting style on his suggestion. My kids warmly embraced him because HE warmly embraces them, but we do not need any parenting advice, you know? Anyway, I definatley feel for the sake of my relationship with my guy it would've been better to wait a few years before co-habitating, I am so into my kids, I am often not as supportive to him as I should be. Overall though, as far as blended families go, ours is better than most, but not perfect, and will continue to be a work in progress for the next 5 years and beyond. It takes CONSTANT communication, on EVERYONE's part, everyone needs to feel free to respectfully say what's on their minds, everyone ELSE needs to LISTEN and THINK before responding....we TALK everything to death, we talk about things to the point where we're all on the floor laughing about how silly we are! If you peel away the layers of our own behaviors, in the core you always find love............good luck to you! Sorry it's so VERY long! Two more things I feel has aided in our success, first my guy is an old family friend, my family and I are all very close, it helps that they already know him.....also he is a field engineer and travels frequently, the kids and I have time for it to be just the kids and I, plus we actually get to MISS him and are glad to see him when he gets home! Hope this helps! But wait! there's more! We are a faithful family. Without sounding too preachy, I'd like to say believing I have help from God, and especially Mary, instills a sense of peace I might not have otherwise. This is another thing I share with my guy that I did not share with my husband, he did not believe in God, went through all the motions when asked to do so but will honestly admit that he is not a believer, which to me is sad, but I can't change him.

If the bio-dad is still in the picture, the stepdad will always be a step-dad. I would guess the stepdad would be more like an uncle for the kids feeling-wise.

The best thing to do is to get all the parents on the same page and to be as much of a team as possible. This way, you cannot be played against each other. The men will have to be secure in themselves to do this. If you can get family counseling with ALL of you - adults and kids - to learn how to deal with the new dynamic. Respect all around is the key - respect each other as parents, because all 3 of you are now parents; respect the kids and what they have to deal with. Good luck!

YES YES YES!
My "step"dad started dating my mom when I was a baby. He already had a daughter from a previous marriage. They married when I was two. He raised me as his own. I never ever felt "step". In fact, we are closer than he is with his bio daughter. I am now 43 and my "step"dad and I are going to an attorney today so that he can ADOPT me and make it legal! I didn't even know you could do that! LOL ;)

It really depends on the people involved. Some kids will completely idealize a parent who is entirely absent, and resent an adult who's around to say, "Chew with your mouth closed, pick up your dirty socks." Because one parent is not physically there, there's no resentment or baggage, and the kids start thinking of the absent parent as the perfect person who understands everything and never gets mad.

Sometimes, the kids do feel that it's disloyal to love a step parent ( or aunt or grandparent or anyone else they might be around). They feel that there's only so much love, and they have to very carefully parcel it out so it's "fair." It helps to tell them that love expands to include whoever you want it to. Demonstrate by reminding them of a deceased pet, and asking, "Do we love our new dog/cat/hamster more or less than the old one? No. We love them the same way, but also differently because they're different." Or, give everyone a candle, but only light one, then have the flame passed from candle to candle until they're all lit and explain, "Love is like fire. It makes more anmd more of itself, without making the source any smaller."

Some adults can never get past the idea that these kids aren't "really mine." Sometimes there's other issues altogether. My brother and sister are from my mom's first marriage, and my dad always treated my sister the same as he treated his own kids - both girls - but with my brother, it was entirely different. While my dad referred to my sister as "my daughter," my brother was "my stepson" or "my wife's boy." It had nothing to do with my brother as a person, or with his behavior - it was tied up in my dad's feelings about sons, passing on the family name, and the fact that my dad had only girls while the ex had a boy. Unfortunate, but nothing any of us could change.

Let your kids develop whatever kind of relationship they can, or want, with your husband, keeping in mind that it will not be the same one they have with their dad. Just remind everyone that you can never have too many people who love you in your life, and that relationships are not a contest.

I've had a stepfather and three step-mothers. My parents divorced when I was 5, and my mother remarried when I was 10. We saw my dad every other weekend, holidays, special occasions, etc. He was very much in the picture. My stepfather was a great guy who did treat us (4 of us) as his own, and he had his own (but they lived with their mother). He was only with us for a short time, as he died when I was 16, but it didn't take long for him to become a part of our family. He also had a good relationship with my father.
Now, back to those 3 step-mothers, that's a different story. We got along with our step-moms, but we never had the same relationship with them as with our step-dad; never felt the closeness. They also had their own children, and there was an obvious difference in the way we were treated.

No two situations are going to be the same, and blended families are difficult, but they can work just as well, sometimes better, than traditional ones.

Have you asked your children how they feel towards him? How does he feel towards them? Does he do things with them on his own?

It really depends on the Step Dad. My friend's husband is step dad to her son. He has known her son since he was a baby. He's wonderful and the biological dad is still in the picture. But that's his personality - he's a good guy, he deals with all the stuff at school and meets with the teachers and helps with projects. I met my Step Dad when I was 19. It was a good 10 years before we learned to love each other. He was very difficult but at some point I became his "favorite" (I have a brother and 3 step brothers). So I really think it's the man, not the situation that determines how the relationship works.

Hope this helps.

My husband has a step-dad and has been in the picture since my husband was a boy of 6 years. His bio dad was also in the picture, sometimes more, sometimes less (he worked out of the country for a few years). My husband's step dad has always treated his step sons as if they were his own (he has no bio kids). In fact, during a recent dire illness he revealed that he had always wanted to be referred to as their "dad" because he loved them so much and it pained him to be referred to as their "step dad." Anyway, to answer your question, it is definitely possible for step parents to treat the kids as their own.

Hello, My son is a step-dad to a little three year old boy and the biological father to a baby girl. He and the mother of the children are now seperated and she is living over an hour away. She has the car and he is not able to get to the kids often. He was able to have them for four days last week and was so excited. When they were together and he was not working, he did everything for the children. He told me that he worries about his daughter, but that he misses the little boy more than he misses his baby girl. He seemed to be a little embarrassed by this. I told him that it was normal because (even though the little boy is not his biologically) he has been his boy longer than the baby has been here. He loves that boy as if he is his own. There is not difference in how he treats them other than one is older than the other.
My daughter has a son from her first marriage who is in touch with his biological father and visits him during school breaks. However, he is closer to his step-father whom he lives with (with our daughter). His step-father is the one who is there at baseball, soccer and school functions. He is the one who pays for everything that the bio says he can't. He just paid $2500.00 for my grandson to go on a school sponsored trip to Washington D.C. and the surrounding area. His bio-father couldn't even give him any money for food. My grandson is now 14 and sees it all. I keep telling him that his dad loves him, but my grandson has no respect for him. It is sad.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

I'm a step mom with step kids who's mom is still in the picture. My stance from the beginning with my husband was simple...You're the dad and I'm not the mom. I've never disciplined the kids in any way. If they misbehaved it was his problem to deal with. Kids don't want to do as they are told and resist authority and I knew I would get the same treatment. They have parents..I'm not their parent. Now if they were running thru the house with scissors or chocking one another to death that's a different story. The extent of my disciplining or telling the kids what to do was limited to 'don't do that'. I never give consequences or make the decision whether they should be punished. In fact I wouldn't even tell their Father what they had done that warranted punishment. I would have the kids tell him what they had done. I was out of it. I am not my step kid's 'friend' but I'm not their mom either. I'm a trusted adult who they feel comfortable with and look up to. This works out well for everybody because the kids have an adult in their life that they talk to about things that they may not feel comfortable talking to their parents about. My message to them is always the same thing that their parents would want to say but they'll actually listen to me...sometimes! If your kids have a good relationship with Dad then make sure that they don't feel your husband is trying to 'be their Dad' In the 10 years my hubby and I have been together which has included 4 kids' terrible teen years I only heard 'You aren't my mother' one time. My response was 'nope...i'm your worst nightmare because I'm going to talk to your Dad about this' I never heard that one again! Your hubby should be an adult figure who feels that your home is his too but the kids need to have their 'territory' protected too. They want to feel that you as a mom are on their side or at least not just on his side because he's your husband. My steps have had 2 step dads. The first one told them what to do all the time, yelled, and was generally a jerk because he felt it was HIS house. Step dad #2 was more laid back and basically did what I do. All the kids liked him.

I think how the stepfather interacts with the kids is the key. I have two stepbrothers that at first didn't want to be part of our family. My Dad treated them just like they were his own sons. It took a while but now they are so close that it's hard to remember that they weren't born into our family. We all were there when my Dad adopted the two boys. My Dad made sure to treat them the same as he treated us.

We don't think of them as stepbrothers, but brothers.

I was immediately going to respond with " yes stepdads should treat step children as their own and I know from experience that it can happen!"
although as I kept reading and you mentioned that maybe it could be due to the bio dad being in the kids' life still, and I hadn't actually thought about it that way, but I think you're right.
My childrens bio dad was not in their life at all so maybe it was easier for the step dad to get in there, since there was no loyalty at all...
as long as they get along I think it's ok hun.