Horrible Tempered 2-Year Old

Hi J.. I have an idea. We have a seven year old little girl and around age 4 this started to happen to us. We tried everything! Letting her cry, taking things away, threatening. Nothing seemed to work. Then we came up with a reward system. Stay in your bed one night you get this.. Two nights you get that... And five nights in a row (typically Mon-Fri) gets you a trip to Cold Stone Creamery. We made a chart and she really got into it. I know it sounds like bribery but the positive helped so much more than the screaming. It took a little while for her to get on track but after a couple of weeks we were spending every Saturday afternoon at Cold Stone. I know that your little boy is only 2 1/2 but it could work. We have friends with 3 year old twins who kept sneaking into their bed late at night and they tried it..they are eating lots of ice cream on the weekends too. Obviously it would not have to be ice cream..maybe a new truck..or mabe donuts..as long as the prize get better with every additional night and smaller if he has a bad one thats the point. Good luck. Id love to hear what finally works.

My 2 1/2 year old girl, Chloe, is also very strong willed (I consider that a good thing since she's now a middle child and will need to assert herself!). Anyway, I completely agree with the mom who talked about not turning it into a power struggle/battle to be won. I realized with Chloe that when it comes to bedtime, she just sometimes needs a little extra cuddling/attention. At first, when she would fuss at bedtime, I would walk away and just keep directing her to her bedroom when she'd come back out. This could go on forever, and she would be hysterical. One night I tried just staying w/ her for a few extra minutes (and it literally took about 2 minutes), and then she was absolutely fine when I left. I realized that it wasn't worth winning this battle, if she needed a couple extra minutes with me, then that's what it would take and she was asleep and happy much quicker.

Hope that helps. Good luck to you!!!

I'll make this short, but I would try putting a CD player in his room with soft lullaby music. Our 27 month old son was waking up in the middle of the night and taking forever to even go to bed and once we tried the cd player, he has done super!

Also, I love the Supernanny, so I recommend reading her book. Also try www.babywhisperer.com they have a forum relating to all issues especially toddler sleep problems.

Good luck and hang in there!!!

to tell you the truth, i feel like you should have either laid in his bed and held him, or brought him to your bed. personally when my son does or actually did this, i laid in his bed. he would settle down quicker, and just to remind him that mom is here, also you could have talked to him read to him, or take him for a walk around the house, get him a drink of milk or somethin. these things are important. he needs to be reminded that life is okay, he is waking up confused, and just needs a little love. their only young once, time will fly and you may wiah you did. thanks.

I have a son like this too. Mine is almost 4 though. He doesn't get up in the middle of the night or anything like that...but he fights me about EVERYTHING. His brother is 7 and he's the exact opposite (mama's boy, sweetheart, etc). I have done spankings, taken toys away, done time-outs, talked to him, babied him, EVERYTHING...and nothing works. I am at my wits end too...but at least mine isn't waking up in the middle of the night. I don't really have a solution for you...just more an "I feel your pain". Does he take naps during the day? If so, I would stop that...and if not, then I would tire him out throughout the day so maybe he would sleep all night. There must be a reason he is waking up...stomach ache, growth spurt, hungry, thirsty, or simply just not tired enough. That would drive me nuts though....after fighting with him all day, I am sure you're exhausted by the time they go to bed...I would need my sleep too, and would make it happen one way or another.

J.,

I completely feel your pain. Sleep is very important to me. I can not function without it.

I went through the same thing with my daughter when she turned 3 last August. She has always been a good sleeper, but suddenly she was waking in the middle of the night, crying for me, and wouldn't go back to sleep. We have a 1 year old girl too, and their bedrooms are right next door to each other. My husband and I would panic that she was going to wake the baby, and would get extremely frustrated with her. My 3 year olds cry was horrible too. She would cry, "I want Mama", over & over again. I thought I was gonna go insane!! We tried comforting her, explaining things to her and even punishment. My husband and I both have professional careers and became walking zombies at work. It was horrible........

Luckily, during this time my daughter was scheduled for her 3 year old check up w/ the pediatrician. I told her Dr. what was occuring and she gave me a couple of suggestions.
- She suggested a security item like a blanket of stuffed animal. My daughter already had one of these items so that wasn't the problem.
- She suggested lullaby music to help calm her in bed. We put a CD player in her room and purchased a Baby Einstein Lullaby CD. She really loves it!!! We still put it on to this day when she goes to bed at night, and it's funny because she's learned how to start it on her own if she wakes at night.
- Install a baby gate on the door. This will keep him in the room without having to close the door. We did this when we moved her at the age of 2 from the crib to a big bed. Plus it allows me to sleep without the fear that my child is wandering around the house.
- Also between the ages of 2 & 3 is when child's imagination begins and they start dreaming. There might be something that he is afraid of. My daughter mentioned Monsters to me. (I think she got the idea from watching Monsters Inc.) So I rewatched the movie with her and now we laugh at how funny the monsters are instead of them being something to be afraid of.
- Lastly, make sure there is nothing physically wrong with your child. We discovered also during this time that my daughter was anemic. (She's a very picky eater & wasn't getting enough iron). Some of the symptoms of anemia is irritability & insomnia. Couldn't believe it when I read that. Per the pediatrician's request we put her on a high dose of iron supplements for 6 weeks. This has really helped with behavior & temperament too.

Good luck!! I'm sure your son will get through this phase soon and you will all get good nights of sleep again.

No specific advice except that you must remember that YOU are the head of the household, not the 2 yr old. Maybe your older son was a breeze at this age, but as a rule two-yr-olds are pretty hard to deal with. Most things are a struggle over power and control with them. We just took a parenting workshop called Parenting with Love and Logic. It was specific for children birth through age 6 and we LOVED it. We've tamed several behaviors from our 3 yr old in the weeks since the class. The instructor for this class is a counselor who works with families and parents to get through things like this. I know seeing a family counselor seems extreme, but your problems don't seem just sleep-related, rather a larger personality/control struggle. Let me know if you want the instructor's contact info. She's really great. Since the class I've emailed her several times about specific problems and she's really helped us out.

I have a 3 1/2 year old daughter who used to do the same thing. We started giving her St.John's wort in liquid form about 30 minutes before she goes to bed. You can purchase it at any health food store or sometimes walmart has it on the bottom shelf with vitamins. All you do is put a couple drops on her/his tongue about 30 minutes before bed time and he will calm down. There is nothing harmful in it. Try this I know it worked for me. -G.

Hi J.,
You received some really good advice. Love and Logic is good and I hope you find a class near you. If you want someone to come to your home to see if they can help you can contact your local ECI program and they will do a free evaluation to see if there is anything they can do to help. You can call 1-800-628-5115 to find your local program. They work with children birth to their 3rd birthday and give services in your home or whereever the child spends time. Keep us informed of the outcome. J.

You might try a white noise machine in your older son's room to drown out the noise. Then, when the younger one wakes up, don't even go in there...just let him work it out and find a way to go back to sleep. My oldest went through a phase where she would wake up in the middle of the night and whale. She was only happy if I stayed in the room with her, and sometimes not even then. The only thing that worked was letting her cry it out. Usually the crying didn't last very long, and after a couple of nights, there was no more waking up and screaming.

Good luck!!

Hi J.,

Im so sorry! I feel your pain, too. My 2.5 year old daughter is very strong-willed, too. In many cases, the only thing to do is walk away. Ive learned with mine anything else fuels the fire. ONe of the previous posters had an excellent idea about a white noise machine for your older son. For my daughter, we put a gate on her door so she could see out, but cant get out (if you decide to do this, get one with vertical bars. They can figure out how to climb them otherwise). Then let him scream himself out. I know this sounds harsh, and it may take a couple of nights, but it may just be extra energy that needs to be worked out. As far as daytime activites and battles, Ive learned when she starts to get to a point where I cant talk to her, or she starts having a tantrum, walking away is the best thing to do. Then before going all the way back, ask him to start doing what you need him to do (lie down in bed before I come back in the room, start putting your shoes on before I sit next to you, etc.)

I hope this helps. Good luck and have sweet dreams soon!!
A.

J. - Oh, I feel your pain, too! The lack of sleep I am sure isn't helping either. I have a strong-willed almost 3 year old who has major sleep issues, too - here's my advice.

1. for the sleep - he may have woken up, but he is still very tired. A battle of wills is just frustrating, as is trying all the mechanisms of forcing him to stay in bed. That forces him, in his strong-willed-ness, to continue the battle no matter what, because he's just hard-wired to be like that. I know you think that "giving in" will set a precedent, and yes, maybe it will, but for now, why not just try it? Try sympathizing with him - when I have done this with my son during his middle-of-the-night freakouts, after a few minutes he settles right down and falls back asleep. In my experience, the middle of the night is the wrong time to continue battles, your goal is to get everyone back to sleep and it doesn't matter how you do it. Now that my son is getting on the north side of 2, he's able to talk with me better and understand consequences. So I am jsut starting to use a reward / punishment system with him for middle of the night stuff. He still doesn't get it, though, and I don't think this will really work for about another 6 months or so. The maturity isn't there.

2. The general battle of wills. This is the age that kids test the boundaries. They just really want to find out what happens when they defy you. After spending too many hours crying and telling myself I'd never get the hang of parenting, I realized that I don't need to win. Again, my goal is to, say, get out the door in the morning - so when my son refuses to get dressed, I don't engage in it, I simply give him choices - red or blue shirt, Elmo or Thomas shoes, etc. This way he is still getting to make the "decision". This has worked very, very well in almost all areas. I took away the element that we're on opposite sides and gave him a modicum of control. For the strong-willed kid, I think this will almost always work. But when it doesn't, walk away. Punishments like time out or spankings haven't seemed to work for my little guy. They do sometimes (and are necessary for some infractions), but not as a rule when dealing with simple battles, so I try not to think of them as options. This has helped, too. For food - I always serve at least one thing he loves, like croutons, and he starts out with a few, but in order to get more he has to take one bite of something else. I am still surprised that he does this for me each and every time. I am waiting for him to refuse, and then I don't know what I'll do...

My strong-willed son has been very challenging, but once I changed my mindset and realized it's not about me as a parent winning, but instead is about the two of us winning as a team (accomplishing the goal), it freed me up to better relate to him and keeps us both from being unnecessarily frustrated.

I hope this maybe helps you a little bit - just remember you're a team. Sure, you're the leader, but it's okay to let him win sometimes. Lose the battle to win the war...

Good luck!

S.