I am really sorry! I can't say that I really know what to tell you, I can't imagine being in your situation. We have had some issues recently with my two year old that were really troublesome, but it was not nearly as extreme, so I don't know if this will help you, but I'll share with you how we got through it.
It started a few months ago, he was about 22 months, he had been happily going to bed since he was a young infant, but suddenly he began to protest at bedtime (naptime was no trouble, this was just at bedtime). At first, we thought, "just a phase, he'll cry for a few minutes then stop," but he didn't. He would not stop crying, and he would start to SCREAM. It was awful. When our usual approach (to just let him cry) was not working, we started trying other things, which only made things worse because now we were being inconsistent. We had tried asking him what was wrong, but he was not able to communicate the trouble to us, and our best efforts at figuring it out were unsuccessful. Finally, we came up with a plan that we decided to stick to: at the beginning of our bedtime routine, we would talk to him and let him know bedtime was coming and he was not to do any crying, we had figured out that he didn't like anything in his bed except for his pillow and two snuggling blankets (in contrast to his older brother who likes nearly EVERYTHING in his bed!), so he has only those things in his bed, the snuggle blankets are his favorite "comfort" item, Daddy sings him a special "go to sleep" lullaby that he made up for him, he does this after the usual bedtime routine and just before he puts him in his bed. If he starts to cry when we say goodnight, we take his pillow and snuggle blankets out of his bed for 5 minutes and let him stay in his bed without them. He SCREAMS the whole time. Then we go back in, ask him if he is ready to stop crying (he needs to respond "yes" - I have found that getting the appropriate verbal response from my boys helps them to follow through with behaving appropriately) and he gets his pillow and snuggles back (but no more hugs and kisses, he got all of those when we said goodnight). We say "goodnight...no crying" and if he starts to cry again when we leave, the pillow and snuggles are taken out for another 5 minutes (for which he screams again). Some nights we had to go through this several times, but he finally stopped having a fit at bedtime after about 2 weeks of this (the entire process from when he began this "phase" lasted about two very long months!)
My feeling is that your son needs to know that you and Daddy are in charge, not him, and you need to find some way to get that through to him. The protesting at naptime and bedtime is not acceptable. He needs to lay down, be quiet and go to sleep. For my 2 year old, he really hated it when his pillow and snuggles were taken away, and eventually that got through to him (it would not have worked with my older son, he doesn't care that much). Bedtime was non-negotiable and if he did fuss, he did not like the consequences. We went through minor obstacles with my older son, but maybe he is not as strong-willed, he would learn very quickly there was no point in fighting bedtime.
If you are completely at a loss with how to get through to your son, maybe I would suggest Dr. James Dobson's book "The Strong-Willed Child." I have not read it myself, but it has been around for years and I have heard from a lot of other moms that is is very helpful. And it sounds like you have a very strong-willed boy! He needs sleep so desperately and so do you! And both of my boys still really needed naps at this age (my current 2 year old falls apart if we are even 1/2 hour late for naptime) but all kids are different, and if your son can get along without a nap, getting all of the sleep he needs at night, don't hassle with the nap if you don't want to (you won't be able to tell until he starts getting the sleep he needs).
If you do come up with a plan of action that you think may reach him, I would suggest talking to him before you even start his bedtime routine. Let him know that it is almost time for bed and once you start getting ready for bed and say goodnight, there is to be no crying or screaming, but he needs to lay down quietly until he falls asleep, then let him know what will happen if he does not comply. Even if he cannot respond appropriately, he can still understand this, and I have found it helpful to my toddler boys to warn them in advance of what is to come whenever possible. Maybe make a little extra time in the bedtime routine for more snuggling, that seemed to help a little with my son. But other than that, I think you just have to determine your approach, then be consistent.
I hope this helps, or that advice from other moms is helpful! You sound like you are dealing with this a lot better than I would be able to, but I know how badly you need to get beyond this and get rest again!
