***Help with a Breakup***

Happy Wednesday to you M.!
You are VERY fortunate that your child's father is taking financial responsibility - you have no idea how lucky you are! I am going to chat with you on several different levels, 1: as a woman that was single for 14 yrs with 3 little ones ... and 2: as a "mother" figure.

You need to remember how lucky and blessed you are to have that little boy AND to have a father that is being responsible financially ... AND #3 ... to be intellegent enough to know that you need to be further educated to be able to supply your child with a financially stable arena to grow up in. I applaud you!

On the "mothering" part of my 2 cents ... you are so very young. It is far better for this man to realize NOW that he has grown apart from you - instead of 5 yrs down the road when you might have 2 or 3 children, married, house to split etc etc. Be looking for the "good" in a bad situation. It is not the end of the world and you have many many years to explore exactly what you want out of a man and life partner. I know it is hard -- been there and done that more times than once and it is never easy, no matter how old you get. You will love again - and you will be happy again. May be not till next month - or not till next year - but it WILL happen.

My youngest daughter who is 23, has a little 22 month old boy and recently her boyfriend of 5 yrs made the split. At first the devastation sets in ... crying etc ... but then you have to pick yourself up and go on. You AND your son deserve a healthy happy home and only you can make that happen. Fortunately, the baby's father and my daughter have worked things out well and have managed to remain friends for the good of their son who is loved greatly by both families. They trade off weekends, she has the baby one weekend so he can go out and have fun and then the next weekend he has the baby so she can go out and have fun. They actually live less than a mile from each other. They have agreed to not bring home a "friend" while they have the baby AND they still manage to do things as a family - go together this Thursday for the baby's first hair cut and go to doc appts together concerning the baby. Maybe you and your son's father can sit down and rationally think of what is best for your son together and make a plan that is fair for both sides. You must respect each other's privacy though and not question about dates etc in order to make it work.

Now as a single mom for 14 yrs w/3 little ones (I'm now 51 and a grandma of 6). I do know the heartache and struggle that you are faced with. That's why I must really stress that you do something nice for yourself from time to time. It could be something as simple as going to get your nails professionally done once a month, or you and a girlfriend going out for an ice cream and a movie. I never had financial NOR emotional support for any of the 3 kids ... that's why I know that you can do anything you set your mind too. Be patient with yourself :-)

Good Luck Sweetie -
D.

It's easier said than done, but the best way to get over it is to click the dust from your shoes and move on.

I suspect the hard part is you probaby have made all of your future decisions with both your boyfriend and baby in mind. Right now, I'd focus fully on your education, and a new future game plan with the idea of any relationship on the backburner. Dating or diving into a new relationship right now would be a mistake and would only add confusion.

After you get a new plan in place (such as a timeline for school, a new job, where you plan to finally live and raise your baby, how much involvement you want with ex etc.) You may find as time goes by, you want little to no relationship with your ex...and that may be a good thing. Just give yourself time to find out. Enjoy school. Enjoy your baby. And revel in all of the possibilities the future may hold and don't let anything sidetrack your goals.

Hi M.! Me and my ex, dad to my son broke up after 6 years. He doesnt even help with financial stuff.... I was sad and stuff for a few days.... and I was even the one who ended it....I than had to get a restraining order.... so it was hard, he just couldnt grow up!
What I did was be sad a few days and spend time with my friends! I also than finally went to plentyoffish.com(pof.com) and am talking to people on there that can eventually lead to a relationship maybe! Hang in there, it will get beter! I really do hope this helps in some small way! Just keep your positive attitude and things will all work out! I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason!
What are you going to school for? I am 22 and also going back to school, and I want to be a chemical dependency counselor

M.,

1st off... it WILL get better!!!! I broke up with my ex-fiance of 7 years about 3 months ago and I am happier now in my life than I've ever been. We have a 4 year old daughter and one in heaven, and so far even though I've let him take our daughter every other weekend, he has chosen to not contribute financially. I was MISERABLE for most of those 7 years with him and let me tell you...your child doesn't need to see an unhappy parent. It's not healthy. I'm glad I realized it at 24 instead of 10 years from now. Although I wish I stayed single for longer, I did start dating someone right away.. and he is AMAZING to my daughter and I! He is everything I ever dreamed of in a man. I feel like it all happened for a reason. There is a plan for you. Continue with school, that will keep you busy. Do something you wouldn't have done when you were with him, or that he didn't enjoy but you maybe would. I started running, listening to different music, rediscovering myself! It feels amazing! I am now a single mom, too, who goes to school, works, and barely gets by (thank GOD for my mom) but I have NEVER been happier. He might grow up and change his mind... but don't sit around and wait for him and don't feel sorry for yourself. You will find someone who will love you and be good to you and your son. Good luck!!!
A.

I went through something similar when my daughter was 6 weeks old. My relationship with her father was 4.5 years and it was devastating. I never ever imagined being a single mother. I was 21 at the time. I don't know how I got over it and moved on but I did. I put all of my energy, time, and love into my daughter. I thought I could just find somebody else and get married and replace my daughter's dad..SO not true. I did date here and there but soon learned it only took away from what I could give my daughter and myself. I needed to get on my feet, not just financially but emotionally, and mentally first. It took me YEARS... I'm not gonna lie it really did at first I hated being single, being lonely but I soon learned to LOVE it. I loved being in complete control of my life and my daughters and doing whatever I needed to do to better our lives. I was a single mom for 6.5 years. Just my daughter and I. My daughter and I have a very very very close bond and I've always put her first, because I didn't rush into another relationship or drag guy after guy into my daughters life I have had plenty of time to do what I need to do. That being said I have met a great guy who has asked me to marry him and were expecting a baby this fall. I never thought that'd happen. I was always told I'd meet someone when I least likely expect it and it took forever but I finally did. My advise is put your son first, get your education and worry about the two of you. When your done getting your life on track financially, emotionally, mentally, etc... then look at dating. You can do it. Just space yourself from your ex, don't talk to him on a daily basis you'll only miss him and drag the grief process out longer. Keep in contact just enough so he knows how your son is doing.

Good morning, M.! I was in a very similar position when I was your age, which was quite a while ago, I must add! *chuckle* My son was born in late August, and I had just started college that following January when I had a major blowout with his father. We broke up shortly after that, and I felt the same way you do, like the bottom of my world had dropped out. You don't say how far away you are from home, but it sounds like you're close enough to go home when you need a shoulder to cry on. Are you and your mother close? Because if you are, she certainly knows how you feel and would be glad to be there for you.

The only thing that will help you feel better is TIME. The feelings you have stem from anger and resentment over his seeming disregard to your love and commitment. As much as we would like to, we will never be able to go into someone's mind and change their behavior or make them see things exactly the way we want them to. All you can do is keep things up on your end. Take the baby to daycare, go to class, do your homework, eat, sleep, and do it all again the next day. The routine should keep you going, and in the meantime, while your heart is healing, try to meet new people. Make new friends and acquaintances. Visit with other mothers at daycare. Talk to old friends on the phone and laugh once in a while. Don't waste your time feeling sorry for yourself, because believe-you-me, your baby's daddy is moving on with his life and he is not waiting for you. You can tell this by the way he broke up with you. The phone conversation should have been face-to-face, something you deserve after 2 1/2 years. His inability to communicate with you may be because he unable to face you (guilt?), or simply because he was unable to physically get to where you were at the time. There's really nothing you can do about, either way. It's done and over. I didn't get back together with my son's father but they communicate. They know each other. It's hard for you to imagine right now, I know, but life goes on. Stay strong. God bless you, and remember, it's okay to cry. Just be sure to stop some day. Have a beautiful day, sweetie!

I don't know what to tell you that could help other than I am in your exact same boat! I am twenty and also a full time student. My son is only 19 months and just starting to through fits and things. I would say the worst part is not being aloud to know where he has been, who he has been with and what he has been doing. My ex moved on before he broke up with me. When we broke up, he said it was to be alone. The next few nights, he said it was for his new girlfriend. I am all alone with my son, hours away from my family, and want nothing more than to be with his dad. It is also hard because I feel like I don't have any memories any more that don't include him or his family. The best memories, like the birth of our son, I feel like I can't talk about because they include him. I know how you feel and feel so bad for you. Somedays I feel like I won't survive, and others I feel like there might be a ray of hope. I wish you the best of luck at school and with your son. I loved and appreciated my son before, but now I feel as I depend on him as much as he depends on me.

M.,
I am so sorry to hear about your breakup! I am afraid I don't have any great advice you probably haven't already heard, but keep your chin up!! Breakups are very hard to get through. I went through one 5 years ago and never thought I would get over him. It affected everything in my life. I was so depressed, I finally ended up moving to a new place. Eventually I got over it and now realize that if it hadn't been for that hard time in my life all the good things that are happening now (I met my husband 6 months after I moved and now we have a 9 month old son and another on the way!) wouldn't have occurred. I am not necessarily saying pick up everything and move, but try to focus on your son and your education right now. That is the most important thing you can do for you and your son. Even though it may seem very hard right now and you are feeling a variety of different emotions, some day you will wake up and it won't seem so bad. One of two things will happen, your boyfriend will want to take a more vested interest in you and your son or you will be ready to move on. Either way the best choice for you and your son is yours to make.
Hope this helps a little!!

A.

Madi,
sorry to hear of the breakup, and being a single mom myself, I will tell you it is really hard. Focus on you, your son and your school work. When I divorced- I went back to school and had little time to miss my husband. I still love him and am still single 4 years later. And it's ok now. You are much younger than I am and I know none of us likes being alone- and I don't mean to sound mother-ish, but a really good thing to do when you are on your own is to go to church. It is amazing how, in the right church, people will step up and help you with things you didn't even realize you needed help with. Find a good female mentor- because, I don't care what they say, being a mom isnt a natural thing for humans. and it will certainly help to have some experience by your side. Good luck to you, and if you ever need anyone to talk to please feel free to email me.
S.

im so sorry for your loss. i cant relate, but i cant imagine what you must be going through. :( again, im sorry.

first of all, you of course dont want to jump into anything with the next guy that walks in the door. that wont help you get over him. im sure no one is recommending that advice. lol.

i guess just take it day by day. the hardest part is that you will not be able to cut off from him completely because of your child. however.... the more you can cut off from talking to him, the better.
if he isnt going to have a form of custody (yet) you could start by a temporary separation. maybe change your cell phone number, and only give him a number for emergencies, like a house phone, or a relatives phone. then just dont talk to him unless you want to relate something baby related. keep it short, and dont get into personal conversations about things. keep it about your baby, and business.

next, try to get rid of things that remind you of him.
then try to pick up a hobby. the best hobby i can think of right now is photography... but it depends on what you like to do. after all, you have a perfect subject; your child! :D but find something to keep you busy during times you would have otherwise been with your ex, or talked to him or something. just keep busy (with a baby this usually isnt hard... but its nice to have something for YOU to do that doesnt always involve the baby!)
anyway
good luck with things, and remember that everything happens for a reason. better he break your heart now, than perhaps after getting married or something you know? i know, what a horrible thing to say when you are trying to deal with things... but... with time, im sure you will move on. just dont expect it overnight, and it will be before you know it.

Oh M.:
I am so sorry that he did this to you and your son. I have been there myself and I know how much it hurts. Most colleges have counselors on campus see if you can set up some regular appointments and talk it out.
The most important thing is to keep on keeping on. And don't forget about yourself. Get out and have some fun. I know this is hard with a baby to care for and school and everything you need to do just to keep up but stay active and go out with friends, female and male. Find someone who you can trade babysitting with and go out on coffee dates and have drinks or go dancing or whatever you can do to get some real exercise. Getting together with friends and getting some exercise will help you to work off the energy of the stress and pain he left you with.
This will take time but it will all work out in the end. You will find love again, but only if you are open to it. In a few years you will have your degree and a little boy almost ready for school and can build a real life for both of you. This is now all about you and your son. Leave this guy in the dust of you moving forward. Don't waste your time with anger and hurt, life is too short.

M.,

I am so sorry. I will pray for the three of you.

Hi i kinda know how u feel my babys father and i broke up before she was even born he wasnt there for the birth cause he ws "working" in the bar. now my daughter is alomost one and hes only in her lofe a little bit. we were togethr for 3 yrs on and off it seems like our exs sound alike. i still have stromg feelings for mine but i think its that way cause we still see each other sometime When its convenient for him (i no i shouldnt do that either) so my suggestion is dnt be like me. drop him i know its easier said then dun but its for the best for u and your baby.

L. debord

Hello M.,
I feel for you. I know it is hard and I know because I have been there. I went through this about 25 years ago and I had 3 daughters.
It was tough but I know it made me a stronger person now. I later married a great guy and he adopted my three girls and then we had three boys together. You can do it!!!
My daughter who is who is 26 just had her boyfriend break up with her on Aug. 31st. She is haveing a hard time too. Maybe you and her could talk. Let me know if you want to and I can get you her email.
Good luck and be strong.
Sincerely, D.

Like other have said it is better off that he has done this now not down the road cause it would only get harder. As time goes on things will get better. It is good that he is going to take some of the money issues on and hopefully at some point be a part of the childs life. I know it must be hard right now but it will get easier and just look what he did give you in all this a beautiful baby that you will have to light your life and heart up. You have to put your effort into the baby. I have not been through the same things but my husband left for Iraq when I was pregnet with my first child and having my son was the only way I got threw it. You just love them and now that that child loves you!

Hi Madi,

I am so sorry! First things first, you need to move on. I am very impressed that you are taking college classes and are a single mom, you are a supermom!

Ways to get over him:

Realize that he not only left you, he broke up with you (the mother of his child and girlfriend of 2.5 years) over the phone. You DO deserve better!

Things to do immediately:

Change your phone number to an unpublished #. This will help you get over waiting for him to call. If he needs to get ahold of you, he can do it through your family.

Send your ex a certified letter explaining how you understand his decision not to be in your life. Also, tell him to respect your privacy and to not contact you. If he has visitation rights, make sure you have a third party give him your son and pick up your son. Tell him you don't want any contact as of immediately.

This will help you move on more quickly. Out of sight, out of mind.

Join a single mom support group.

Madi...he may come back, but he better come back with an apology and ready to commit! You just need to be strong and move on without him. Everything happens for a reason...your future may not have included him. Start thinking about your life with him not in it. Your future is up to you now.

I don't think there's any easy way to not miss your ex so much. It sounds like your (ex)boyfriend took the coward's way out by making sure you had committed yourself to living elsewhere and attending college there before he broke up with you. I wish he would have been more honest with you! People aren't supposed to treat each other the way you have been treated by your baby's father. Time can heal a lot, but in the meantime you can heal your heart by spending as much time as you can bonding with your son. I believe that working with a good counselor/therapist is going to help you and your son. You are doing a lot of work and it sounds like the whole world is on your shoulders. Keep on doing the right thing, be true to yourself and your son. I'm sorry for your loss--I hope someday you can somehow see this breakup experience as a blessing.

Hi, I have been married for 25 years and my husband all of a sudden decided he didnt want to be married anymore. We have two kids over 21 thank god for that. Everyone can tell you it will get easier but you need to deal with things the best you can . We are still married but i have been out of our house for a year now and i still sometimes cry about little things we did. People change and i guess there is nothing we can do about it. Keep busy with your little boy and dont do what i did just think y or what did i do wrong,because it probably isnt about you but what he needs. keep your chin up you will get thru this ask family and friends to help if you need to.

B. Jacquest
arbor vitae, wisconsin

I am sorry that you are having to deal with the breakup with so much other things going on in your life, college, new baby, being out on your own and all before you are old enough to even drink legally. I know what you are going through, only difference is I married my first husband when I was 20 and pregnant. His famous words were "I love you in my OWN way".... what is that suppose to mean? Your ex's "I don't love you the way I thought I did" is simple, he was trying to let you down in a way he thought would make it easier. I left my first husband when our son was 3 weeks old... his way of loving me wasn't healthy for me nor my son. Concentrate on your school and your little boy, nothing else matters. Don't jump into another relationship until you have your life in order and learn to be happy without a man to be happy with one. Go out with friends once a week if you can afford to and make sure you have time to yourself. It really does take time to get over a break up and a lot of strengthto say to yourself "this too shall pass" It does and you do move on and believe it or not... you will find a man who will love you the way YOU deserve and you will find happiness in your life. Keep your chin up. Your ex will grow up and realize what he gave up, he is just young right now and lives for the moment.

Hi M.,

I have been a single mom for 5 yrs now. All I can say is as hard as it is and sometimes lonely, I have learned to find the positive side of it. I can't tell you how much I love the fact that I am the sole decision maker in my house. When my kids wanted hermit crabs, I didn't have to consult with anybody. It was all up to me and I decided they could have them. The same goes for so many other (minor) things too. If I don't feel like cooking, nobody will complain that we have cereal for dinner. I don't have to work around anyone else's schedule and I really don't care about anyone else's opinion. It has definetly taken me a long time to be completely comfortable being a single parent, but right now I'm loving it. But you also have to remember to not deprive yourself of adult relationships. Get a babysitter and hang out with the girls or just go to the library by yourself. I know it's so hard but try to make the best of it. And please don't jump into a new relationship right away. Enjoy this time with your son. You'll be so glad you did. Good luck to you.

K.

If he doesn't love you then you are wasting your energy by worrying about it. Concentrate on your baby, give him the best life you can. You don't need a man to be happy believe me. Another guy will come around and he will be better for you than the other one. You are young. You have a lot of time to get your life together and be happy with what you have and if you happen to find someone in the process great but you need to focus on you and the baby make sure you are happy before you get into another relationship and forget about the ex i know easier said than done but you can do it and the longer you don't move on the more time you've wasted on someone who doesn't deserve it. good luck

M.,
I feel for you. Just remember what you said that your baby is the light of your life. I give you SO much credit for trying to give your little one everything you can while attending college. I know breakups are very hard especially it being the father of your baby but hang in there and just try to focus on both your futures (yours & babys). Good luck!

It may not seem like it now...but this will probably be the best thing that happened to you.
I think him telling you he doesn't love you anymore is him saying "I can't handle all this!"
If he is the same age as you, He is NOT ready for all of that.
On top of being a "partner" he is a dad now, and just from experience, guys aren't ready for that at 20 yrs. old.
If he has to share you, he doesn't know how, so therefore, he won't.
Having a baby is HUGE....then being with a woman who is strong enough to do that, and go to college, and run a household etc....he is feeling a little inferior I am assuming.
Be the strong mom you are for your baby (He will LOVE you for it) but also maintain a good relationship with his dad, (he will LOVE you for that too). You just don't need to be together, but you do ALWAYS have to be his parents.

Hi, Madi. I hope things have gotten easier for you.

I kinda of know how you feel. My husband just got a job on the pipeline in South Dakota. He's gone all week and I'm home alone with our three month old daughter. To keep my mind off of being alone I have started many projects at home. Refinishing the coffee table, cleaning, hanging curtains, doing yard work. Takes my mind off of how alone I feel and I get a lot done. If you enjoy reading try that. And about your boyfriend, don't worry he may come around and if not don't worry. You will find someone who can be a good father to your son. Keep your spirits up, good luck!

Thank your lucky stars that he did this now. YOu could have spent the next 20 years like I did trying to make him happy and you never will. Do what I FINALLY did and find someone who will appreacate you and love you like you deserve. Yes you may just have to enjoy you bundle of joy for a bit, but in the long run you will lbe much happier and secure. god Bless

Madi-
I remember your first post about the distance thought how strong you are for doing for going to school even though you have a little one and the distance. Use that strength now to get you through.
For hard ship I face I stay busy. The busier I get the easier it is to get over things and heal. Good luck!!

The only thing that will help you right now is to spend time with your son and friends and family - over time it will get much easier. I was 20 when I had my first and her Dad and I broke up and it seemed like the end of the world. Over time I realized I was too good for him and found someone wonderful to be there for me. He's a good stepfather and we recently had a baby together and I rarely look back 11+ years ago when we broke up, I think of memories we have and we are tied to gether for my daughters sake. You will find true love again so don't get discouraged - it seems he wasn't the right one for you and we all know you can't force someone to love someone - hang in there!!

Madi
I was in a similar situation - my ex-husband left me with my 6-month old son and only took financial responsibility because the court ordered him to. Aside from my son, I thought he was the love of my life. It has been almost 3 years now and I can tell you that it does get better and easier. Just keep going - keep living for your son and driving forward to make a good life for him and yourself. There are better things out there for you - even if you don't believe it right now. It took me a long time to believe that I could actually find better...but trust me, it is out there for you and your son. Don't give up, don't quit school, don't loose your faith, and don't ever look back. For whatever reason, this is the path your life is to take. In time you will figure out what that path is to be...but it takes time. I wish you and your son the best...if you want to talk to someone who has been there, feel free to email me at ____@____.com

First let me say, I am SO sorry...*hugs*...I have had to deal with the break up of a long term boyfriend and I know what you mean by still loving him and can't imagine him not having him in your life. There are unexplainable reasons for everything. This will not make you feel better but in time it will pass and you will little by little start to feel like you have your feet back under you. Time is the only "cure" I can tell you...I know that is a sucky answer, and again I am sorry :( But just know we are all here for you and you are never alone.

Your baby needs you and before you know it you will have graduated, have a great job, and find someone who loves you as much as you love them...that is what you DESERVE :) If my boyfriend of 6 1 /2 years wouldn't have told me he didn't love me I would never have found my husband! Now we have been married 3 years and have 2 beautiful daughters. I can't imagine NOW being with my ex.

Fight the urge to contact him...it will only drag things on and make things worse for you and your baby in the end. Remember not only did he leave you he left your son. Keep that in mind when you feel lonely and want to call. DON'T! BE STRONG, YOU CAN DO IT, NEVER FORGET THAT! If you ever need to talk email me ____@____.com