Please Help! How Do I/we Tell My Kids Our Relationship Is Ending?

I agree with patty b, and also you would not be lying to them if you said something like, He can't be here right now, he's at work,or something like that. It would probably be a lot less emotional for them if they didn't know they wouldn't see him again. Is there any way you will stay friends with him? It sounds like maybe he just has cold feet. Either way, you could tell him that's fine, you understand, you'd like to stay in contact and he could still see the kids too... good luck to you!!!!

I'm really sorry this is happening!!

DO NOT LIE TO THEM!!! The truth will come out and they will lose their trust in you.

I would do it together - have a family meeting and simply let them know that his life is going down a different path then yours/theirs and while he deeply cares for them - this is what HE needs to do..it is NOT about them or because of them (we know he's not ready for an instant family but they don't need to know this but again it's NOT their fault!!)

This is something you guys need to do TOGETHER....it won't be easy - but the truth works in the end!

Listen, I remember both my parents dating. (They divorced when I was 5.) It sucks when you really like their partner, but it's really all about your parents. Both my parents had serious relationships end (my mom broke off an engagement, my dad had a baby with his and then they broke up) before they found their forever partner*. You don't say if he's living with you but it sounds like he's not. Either way, what I remember most is my parents. Things we did together, homework, where we lived...I remember the people they dated and maybe even hope that person is doing well, but mostly it's about your relationship with your kids. They're pretty important in your world and you're a pretty humongous part of theirs.

*The woman my dad had a baby with eventually came back and became his wife...16 years later, they're getting a divorce...so there you have it, I guess.

And the person that said no more introductions? I say that's bunk. I was angrier that my mom got engaged to her current husband without letting us know she felt that strongly than when the pair eloped because (ha!) their moms were making them crazy. Your kids matter in relationships. If they get a bad vibe off of someone or if they love someone, this is relevant. Don't keep them in the dark, but also don't over-inform, they are still kids after all. :-)

It's not advice and maybe hearing the kid's perspective isn't what you wanted but I think my parents, overall, did a great job handling their romances and their kids. Good luck, and I'm so sorry you're hurting right now!

Agree with Denise P from Pittsburg. Once you shared with them, might want to keep them busy with you. Might also add that it is always someone else out there, who is waiting for a family just like yours. That no matter what happened the three of you are family, and by "bF" staying or leaving nothing will ever change that.

I'm sorry this is happening to your and your family. I agree with the others that honesty is best. They will be hurt but they will recover with your support.

As for having a "ring and a date" before introducing a man to your kids, I think that is unreasonable. How can you know that a man will be willing to be a stepdad to your kids unless he has met them? How can you know that your kids are willing to accept a man into their family until they have met him?

I don't know you or your family, but this situation makes me angry. I married a man with two young children and I knew from day one that having a relationship with him meant a relationship with his children. They are now 25 years later still a big and important part of my life.

I think that you do need to be honest --on their level.
Together, tell them that although 'Fred' is a very nice man and you love him and you know they love him, he is not the best choice for your family. And that he's not going to be around any more.
Be prepared for them to be mad at you over it.
No more intro's until you've got a ring & a date, OK?
Best of luck to you and your kiddos.

Be honest. Honesty is always the best policy. Just make it age appropriate. I'm SO sorry you're going through this :( I'm glad he's man enough to say goodbye. Just explain to the kids that sometime's people fall out of love, and remind them that you'll always be there for them no matter what. Tell them the only people true to your heart are them (the kids). Be sympathetic; they'll miss him and have a ton of questions, just roll with the punches ;) When he says goodbye, make sure you two are on the same page. I know you're hurting right now, but that's very big of him to be willing to say goodbye. Most dude's would be like 'LATERRR!!' and leave you to clean up the pieces he's left behind. This is just a minor life lesson that they won't fully understand until later in life. Keep them busy to keep their minds off it (your mind too!)... it will get better, everything will be okay :) This just opens the window of opportunity for you to find your TRUE prince charming :)

I think that all the kids need to know is that the relationship isn't working out and that you've decided not to stay together. Not being married and him not being their father means less ties to him, fortunately, and I don't think he needs to admit to them that he's leaving the relationship by his choice. That's a detail that the children just don't need. They're too young.

I see no harm in allowing the children to believe this is a joint decision, but they need to know that this is an amicable break-up. It's okay for them to see that you're sad, but I would also make sure that they understand that this is in no way their fault. They may very well take this break-up personally and blame themselves for his leaving so they'd better not get a single whiff of his not wanting to commit to you because of your having children that aren't his.

They also will need to understand that he won't be coming around for visits and you won't be friends with him. There's no easing out of this. If you believe that he might in any way make them promises he can't keep like, "Maybe in the future we'll go to a ball game" or "I'll take you fishing before the end of the summer" or that he might slip in some other way, don't allow him to say goodbye. As their mother, you can handle informing them of his departure. Keep it simple with only simple, few details. They WILL handle it and they'll bounce back even if they're upset at first.

As hard as the truth is, it is ultimately kinder than to let your children hope that eventually his work will bring him home again.

My mother introduced us to a wonderful man when I was 7. My sisters and I adored him. He was our knight in shining armor, and life always sparkled when he was around. Then he disappeared without explanation. When we started asking "Where's Wally?" my mother made up a story about him being in a bad accident and having to be in the hospital for a long time. Meanwhile, she was pregnant with my youngest sister.

We waited. And hoped. Everytime we asked, my mom put us off with some detail about why we couldn't go visit him in the hospital. So we waited some more. Meanwhile, my baby sister arrived.

After a year or so of waiting and hoping, my mother finally told us the truth – Wally already had another family, and couldn't marry her. They broke up. My heart broke – after all that waiting and hoping, I found out my mother had been lying all along. I was so sick with grief I couldn't go to school for several days. I'm 63, and some small part of me still grieves fore the loss of my long-cherished dream, and I still dismay over my mother's dishonesty, although I have come to understand her motives.

Please don't take the cowardly way out. Tell your children the truth they deserve. Be sure to tell them your breakup is not their fault (even though, in a way, they play a part in it.) They will grieve, but the less hope they invest in a future that won't come, the less pain they will feel in the long run. A goodbye from your boyfriend would probably be good closure, though very hard for all.

I think he, ex-boyfriend, needs to man up... Okay, so he's not going to be a family with you and your kids, he's been playing that for almost 4 years... Do not lie to your kids, they deserve the truth. It will be hard on them, but if you start lying to them they will never trust you and will cause more problems later in life for them. Your children are still pretty small so simple words are fine. Me and X are not going to be together anymore. We wanted to let you know because we know that we've been pretty close these past 4 years. Please know this is a grown-up decision has nothing to do with you two. Now, X, wants to say good bye.

God Bless!

I totally disagree with the honesty/explanation thing. They are small kids who can't grasp the whole "relationships" meaning, why burden them with adult's complications? Unless he was a live-in boyfriend, just telling them that he's moving somewhere else and they won't see him often anymore should do. I did the same with the (only) boyfriend I had after my son's father: I started to see him less and less until he "disappeared" completely and I filled the time we used to spend together (me, my son and him with his son at times) with plenty of "mammy-time" just me and him, which was awesome. He asked at the beginning "where is x?" for a while, but after enough "he's busy", "he's working", "he's travelling" etc.. he stopped asking and never mentioned him anymore. I must say, though, that we never acted as a couple in front of my son, so he thought (in his innocence) that we were just friends. Also, I never failed having some mommy time with my son even when I was dating this guy, so my son really did not make a huge deal of him. Which helped. So my opinion is, don't let it be an even bigger deal than what it is by "talking" to them about adult's decisions they should not be expected to understand everything anyways and you don't want to project on them your own sorrow or disappointment. I say, play aloof and fille their time with new exciting things where they are the star, it'll be fine.

I'm sorry to hear of your situation, but personally I do not think it necessary to tell the children that this man is not choosing a family life with them. They are too young to understand that this is because of his choice of lifestyle and surely has nothing to do with them personally, but they would likely interpret it this way growing up. (My mom doesn't have a boyfriend because of me & my sibling...) My husband and I both still deal with abandonment issues in our late thirties (both had fathers who left and moms with many boyfriends over the years who all eventually left, too). While I agree honestly is important, having the children believing that this man is leaving due to circumstances rather than choice could be beneficial to their developing psyches and sense of self-esteem...and you can always tell them the whole truth later in life, when their brains can better understand and rationalize the behavior of this man differently than they can at age 3 & 5 and the upcoming developmental years. Also I would suggest the need for finding other positive male role models for your kids, whether it be a grandfather or uncle who can spend time with them, or a friend in the community (soccer coach?) Best wishes to you & your kids :)

Telling them that he didn't want an instant family could easily cause them to believe it is their fault that he left. Something more vague, but true, would be kinder. Maybe something like, "He has trouble making a commitment, and it is important to me that the man I love is willing to commit for the rest of our lives." Later, when they are grown with kids of their own, perhaps they can better understand why this was valid reason to break-up (you dodged a bullet, C., if he feels this way), without feeling personally hurt. By then, they may not even remember him.

If you decide to have him say goodbye to the kids, maybe it would be less traumatic for them if it wasn't set up as a "goodbye" event. He could drop by casually on the pretense of picking up something that he had "forgotten" and left at your place. Then, he can say goodbye and how much he likes them and will miss them.

If he is going to see them again, then he'll have to take personal responsibility for deciding to end the relationship on his own, or at least refrain from giving a reason and leave it to you to explain it at a time when he isn't around.

I don't know what is the best way because I don't know your kids, you do. I do know don't lie! they will know you are lying and that will hurt them more than what is happening.

Well, this is a tough lesson learned and I'm sure you will do things differently next time you meet someone. Your kids will be devistated and I'm sorry but there really is no "easy" way to tell them. And whatever you do, do not lie to them. This is tough, good luck.

Just be honest. Kids are smart enough to know when your hurting and they will be ok more than you!

do NOT lie to your kids - First of all it undermines your relationship with them, they will NOT trust you even when they could if they ever find out you lied to them. The reality is that they may have some idea this is coming down the pike. Moreover, say you do lie to them - what happens if/when they see your boyfriend in town?

Frankly, I believe you should both sit down with them and tell them the truth; that sometimes we believe (or want to believe) that all will be well, but discover otherwise. He really has an obligation to step up to the plate and be honest. The reality is that even if it is he who is leaving, the relationship is ending and relationships take two, so the two of you should speak with your children.