Help! Husband in a Lurch....

Wow! You don't get married an have kids so you can go out every night and socialize - you get married and have kids so you can build a family and thsose relationships should be primary. His friends that "never call" are busy doing what they want/should be doing is my guess - spending time with the family.

You made two big life changes (marriage/baby) in a very short time, so I can see how he (and you) would be thrown a bit, but it is what it is and it COULD BE great if you guys develop a new life togther instead of trying to force your old life to maintain - your social life is important but right now it shouldn't be looked at as a loss b/c things have changed....this is great too and he's going to miss it if he spends all his time mourning the "good old days."

My husband and I were/are very social but definitely slowed down the going out and having people over when our kids came along. We look forward to staying in with our kids and having time ALONE when we can get a sitter and go out - you obviously love your husband and are sweet for being concerned about his feelings, but I would strongly suggest he gets with the program and finds the joy in this new stage in your life - you will get in a groove again and have PLENTY of time in life for other stuff - you're literally going to blink and your baby will be 1, 2 and one day gone. I have the major advantage of having a lot of friends with kids who are older than mine and boy would they trade places with me being "stuck home" with the kids any day - good luck!!!

Quite honestly, we socialize about once a month, if that. Is your husband young? This kind of sounds like a frat boy mentality. Maybe this need to run around will fade as time goes on. Having a family does not need to end your social life, but it does require a change in priorities.

Maybe he should try to find a "dad's group" or start on in your area to find a group of friends that have a similar schedule and lifestyle as his. I guess I always thought that the wonderful love and joy you get from being a parent kind of overshadows everything else in life. I don't mean that you can't have some social time and space - it is really healthy to be your own person and that should be a priority. But I really think that it's unrealistic (and unhealthy - maybe a self-esteem issue is here too?) to have such a need to be accepted by others.

Hi M.,

I'm sorry but I agree with the other ladies. Your husband is a father and spouse and these should be the two most important relationships that he needs to maintain. My husband and I go out sans baby probably once or twice a month. We have another couple over maybe once a month for a game night and some wine after our daughter is in bed. Your social life doesn't have to end after baby, but I think that naturally the attention will shift to other priorities. Your his wife and his closest friend. I don't see anything wrong with the occasional boys night out, but once or twice a month at most. My husband and I are young (28 & 24) but we have left our partying days behind us once we decided to start a family. Hubby needs to grow up and realize there is more to life than socializing and hanging out with drinking buddies. Time spent with the people you care about most should be at the top of the list, especially with a new baby and marriage

I hope you are kidding. why did he marry you if he went out every day of the week. i would tell your fantastic husband that once he decided to have a baby it was time to grow up and be a family and worry about whether his wife has time for a shower. Those of us with babies have social time where we can find it. we work within our children's schedule because that child is number uno now. Friends over once a week and going out that is two times more than most. He is really going to feel stifled once your child goes to school and there is less time for Daddy and his buddies. Sorry but if you read your letter, I said to myself, hey, i want a wife like her. (i am a wife but believe me, if my husband read something like that that i wrote he would be looking behind my back for a weapon). You need to get out with your girlfriends while he stays home with the baby. reverse the roles. He shouldnt take it personally. He can boost his social life when your child is in college. I hope i wasnt too harsh and you get the picture. Good luck!!!

I completely agree with all the responses to your request. The reality is that you are a family and that comes first. I now it's hard to not be able to socialize like before, but that's life. It's simply unrealistic to think that a parent can go out a lot when there's a newborn. Yes, we all go through this transition of not having the freedom to just go out whenever you please and feeling like you can't relate to single friends anymore. You may need to find new friends in the same situation nearby. The only people with babies/kids who can really accomplish an active social life are those who will pay a babysitter or have a nanny. Honestly, 3 nights a week should be good enough for your husband and anyone else for that matter. If anything, maybe your husband should have a scheduled weekly outing with friends. If he knows that he will definitely be going out that/those particular nights, he can look forward to it and feel comforted that it will happen. For example, my brother in law goes twice a week to play basketball with his friends and then they go out to a bar afterwards- same days, times every week. My sister has her time as well. On alternate nights, she plays volleyball with a team and sometimes goes out afterwards as well. I get your husband's issues right now, but no matter what- make sure that your baby's and your needs are being met as well.

First, I applaud you on your ability to keep up that level of sociability with a very young baby in the house. Good for you guys!

But - that level of restlessness you describe seems really not normal. Does your husband work at home or something that makes him want to get out of the house? Maybe he could focus all that nervous energy on something more family-related. Soccer coaching or something (I'm not actually kidding - the years go by faster than you think.)

Is he in sales or some sort of relationship business? I just wonder if the current nervousness everyone has about the economy (plus the normal guy thing of feeling money worries when a baby comes) is coming out in him as wanting more social connection? It's interesting - but you never know. The first year of babyhood is weird. I'd give him some slack, but gently remind him that normal people don't go out every day. And try to make some more friends who have babies and kids.

He's having a tough time transitioning from being 'life of the party' to being a responsible husband who can't just live life on his own party timetable. It's rough, but when you have a baby and a family you have to make sacrifices.

I think you're being more than accommodating. With what you've written in your response, you guys are still very very social by typical standards (I guess).

Once we had a baby, our social schedule was reduced dramatically, but we anticipated that when we got pregnant. We knew that having a little one would severely restrict our ability to just drop everything and go play on a whim. Surely your husband didn't think he would just be able to continue his nonstop playboy ways once you got pregnant - or did he not know what he was getting himself into?

I don't mean to be rude, but maybe he just needs to grow up and realize that he is now a 'father' and by being a 'father' he will need to trade in some of his 'party time' for 'helping mommy and being with baby' time. After all, that's what you have to do when you become a parent.

Good luck.