Help Getting Dad to Understand That Is His Child Is Not That Innocent

The daddy needs to understand whatever the problem is it's not working well for you. You shouldn't get married until this problem is addressed and you can combine families successfully. Thats what you owe yourself but first the children. How old is the stepchild? If he is the nine year old i was in a very similar situation. I think if you focus on more positive and less negative you can start to direct the family to get along more. Its hard work being blended. Just ignore the little things like the candy. Maybe you start something fun and exciting that daddy doesnt do. The kids know that they are getting under your skin even if you think they don't. Just do more things with the kids whether it be during dinner time getting it ready. Takes time to earn respect and understanding from the kids. I cant remember what the suggested ratio is but every time you get on to the kids its negative. How many times have you made positive contact? It could be rough even if you bring it on yourself to always be in trouble and being griped about and compared to with better kids? Try 10 to 1. Make sure for every 1 negative you give him 10 positive contacts. It makes it hard work being a parent.

Pictures are worth a thousand words. Set the kid up to be videoed without his knowledge on several different occasions and throw dad a little movie night (in private of course). The main thing to keep Dad off the major defensive is to provide some actual solutions, not just to complain about it. Tell Dad that as step-mother, you need to be included in the discipining of all of the children and so does he. Sit down with all of the children and make out a rules/punishment/rewards chart. Give each child in the house some chores to do. Make simple household rules (no candy before dinner) so there will not be any discussion. You are right that this child needs stability. You can help with this by providing praise and love to him whenever the chance presents itself (give him extra chores when Dad is around, if he is such an angel, how can he refuse), also give him your support and love. Unless you get dad in on the discipline though, all there will be is a teeter-totter and you will end up on the ground as the wicked step-mother. Good luck and god bless you with your child rearing endeavors, you are a good Mom, that kid should be grateful to have you!

First of all, I wouldn't even considered marrying someone who did not whole heartedly love my children. Step parents need to love the kids but know their boundaries. You can not be the disciplinarian. Dad has to do it.

Secondly, do not tell the step kid no about any thing (candy, tv, etc.) you're standard answer needs to be "ask your dad" or "wait til your dad comes home" Let dad handle everything. It is not your job to make dad understand that his kid is a pain in the butt.

I am just wondering why would you want to add more stress to your life by marrying a man who doesn't believe in you. It sounds to me that he is not to wild about your kids and you are not too wild about his kids. Do you think he is going to all of the sudden change the way he feels about your kids? Are you going to all of the sudden change the way you feel about his kids?

There are too many men out there that have less complicated lives, go find one that believes in you 100%!

Good luck

Donna,

You and your husband need to come up with an agreement without his son there. Agree that when the son asks for something you both respond with "Did you ask Dad/Donna?" If he says "Yes," then the response is "what did he/she say?" You will have to do some policing of this at first to make the son realize that you are keeping tabs on him, and that you will not tolerate lying.

This child wants attention from his dad, that is why he is acting the way he does. Your husband should be setting aside time for just the 2 of them. As for the complaint calls, have the complainers call your husband too, not just you!

I worry about you. You have been put in the middle of this child's relationship with his father.

It would be interesting if you and your fiance could trade places for a day. Can you arrange a visit with a child psychologist? Sometimes a letter or call from a doctor will get the father's attention. If you get calls about this child at school (like in trouble at school), have the school call the boys father instead of you. Calls from the nurse's office or principal's office should go to the father.

You might want to hear some other opinions, but that is where I would start. Good luck.

Being a step-parent can be very, very challenging and quite honestly the best thing for an extended family to do is to be in therapy and counselling because it is such a complicated situation. Fathers tend to be over-protective, step-mums can be too severe or totally retract. All this tension puts the relationship between the couple at severe risk.

I think you all need to see a family therapist. Working this out on your own is probably just going to lead to frustration. He's still in denial and is probably starting to think you are the one with the problem!! I'm sure things will work out but it will take time. Blended families are common today but it can still be a difficult transition. Good luck!

Well first of all, this is NOT actually your step child yet, if you are not married. If I had a fiance that acted like that with his kid(s), he would not be my fiance for long. He apparently has not grown up enough himself to see things for what they really are. Time to move on.... and let him live with his own kid and the mistakes.