Seeking Advice on Step Children

I agree with Kristina M 110%, I am a step-child and step mom, and nothing is more true than her words. Her advice is the same as mine.

Been there, done that. I am currently separated from my husband of almost 4 years. He has two children from a previous marriage and I have one - and now we have one together. Things were so-so okay with his kids when they only visited at Christmas and in the Summer. They are difficult kids with emotional problems that their father ignores. THEN, just as I got pregnant with our son, they moved in with us. It was the beginning of the end. You cannot "convince" him anything about his kids and the more you try to come in and be a "mother" to them, the more resentful you'll get when you get nowhere. I don't mean to sound negative but blending families is harder than people think. I suggest family counseling just to transition - not saying there are problems, this might help avoid them. Best of luck to you!

M.,

I always tell people that the role of "step-mother" is by far the toughest, most unappreciated role I have EVER taken on.

I could probably write a book, but just thank God that all three of my step children are graduated (or dropped out) of high school now. Raising them was SOOOO hard especially when their mother wanted nothing to do with it, but resented my wanting to love their kids. And only resentment from all at the end of the day.

I go to a support group to deal with all of lifes hurts, habits, and hang-ups which really helped me deal with my MANY resentments against my stepkids, my husbands ex, and even quite honestly my husband. I find that now I am able to stay out of a lot of the control stuff. Let me know if you want any more info. And good luck.

Hi M.,

There is a certain stigma that we learn as children in our society, that stepmothers are "evil." Think of Cinderella for an example. Stepmother was evil and unaccepting. When I was a child, I thought my stepmother had to be evil and did not like me and I gave her lots of attitude. She finally had to sit me down and tell me that she loved me and liked me and that she always would. She also had to tell me that she wasn't going anywhere and neither was I. We spent time together doing "girly" stuff. Consistency, acceptance and love were the keys to a wonderful relationship that we still have today.

From the mouth of a stepchild ... you have little to no control over the situation. Until or unless dad enforces 1) that rules are to be enforced and are there for a reason and 2) that you are involved in making AND enforcing rules and that what you say he will back you on 100% (any discrepancies to be discussed privately) you wont have a leg to stand on nor will you have a happy household. I wish you luck.

M.,
I don't think you are going to like my answer after all the sacrifice you have made for your fiance'. However, I am a step-mom of two girls that moved to a state where I had no family or friends so I can very much relate. The only saving grace was that the girls were very welcoming but their dad really didn't respond to me or them like I was anything more than a babysitter. After 7 years it is still very much a challange so most of the time I usually sit back & end up saying "I told you so."
Now don't get me wrong, it isn't all bad, but I have learned first hand that you CANNOT marry this man until he treats YOU differently in regards to the kids & that you are/will become a very influential, important role in their lives. You are correct, that grandmother is doing them no favors. You will not be able to change her behaviour becasue she is old & has gotten away with it so long. But your soon to be husband must basically choose between you & his mother, & if he doesn't choose you then you need to move back home.
I know I do not know the whole story but I promise you, it will only get harder after you are legally bound to one another. It is hard enough combining families, but when the Head of the household does not lead by example you are in for the fight of your life. Eventually, you will begin to take everything personally if you haven't already. And that will put you on the defensive over any little decision. It does sound drastic, but it is the reality.
All your current issues don't even mention how the ex-wife has reacted to your upcoming nuptuals.
Anyway, email me if you want to chat. Believe me I have been there. The only way I have made it this long is by being VERY outspoken (not in front of the kids) & standing my ground. Plus I have read a lot of parenting books for Step-mothers, etc..
Take care & good luck.
A.

It's a must that your husband backs you up. I have been in the exact situation. As kids grow up, they know how to play the game of grandma vs. stepmom to get exactly what they want. Communicate with your husband and then BOTH of you talk to you mother-in-law and also the kids. You have to be a united front or the kids end up running the show.

Blended families are not easy...it definitely takes work. I am remarried for 4 years now. I brought my son into the marriage and my husband brought his daughter, then her mother moved to San Antonio so my husband now feels like his time is so limited with her and doesn't want all the time she is here to be about disipline and my mother in law spoils and babies her because she was the first born grandchild and a girl. I do love my mother in law, but often bite my tongue as to not cause problems. I am not sure how much advice I can offer, but if you ever want to talk or vent you can contact me anytime. ____@____.com. There were a couple of other blended families wanting to do a support group. Let me know if you are interested. Be patient and it will all work out.

I have been there. Its been while though- I have 2 step children ages 11 & 12. I have been with them about 7 years. We also have 2 children together. Its an ongoing battle! You have to get your husband to stand up for you and back up any decisions you make, or pretty soon it will be you and him fighting. It is very tough to blend families but it can work. Let him know exactly how you feel and that you need to be able to discipline and set rules for his children if you are going to be a family. He has to be willing to support you. Let him know that the same respect will apply to your son with him- (if he is a step dad) It takes time for everyone to adjust- and there are days still that I think- what is going on here?? Dad wants to have fun with those two and rules go out the window many times. Be patient and very honest. Communication is the biggest thing you need to have. In the beginning I didnt want to say anything about "his" kids for fear of sounding mean or rude. But not anymore I know its necessary. Let me know if you want to talk more about it. Good Luck- you can do it!

I also aquired a step-child when I got married. My hubby was no help at first. He would contradict everything I did. Finally I set him down the week before the wedding and told him that we need to be on the same page when it came to our kids. It can't be I punish while you cuddle, if she is going to obey and respect me, it also has to come from you. Mind you that my hubby is a momma's boy and his mother is an overbearing woman who liked to interfere with our family. Once I laid down the law (so to speak), he started backing me up, including with his mother. Now we have a better relationship, our kids know that they can't use the "mommy said no but daddy will say yes" routine.
I know what it's like to be in a strange town also, feel free to contact me for that someone to lean on....

Just like all the other momas said... it is very hard to have a blended family. I have 3 stepkids and if you could only imagine! The oldest is the hardest I must say (not that great at school and trying too hard to fit in, getting in trouble...) and the only way I can get through the day is to really make an effort to not only be the parent but a really good friend. Don't forget, they already have a mom and they will always have resentment towards you if you try to take her place. At first I would get really aggravated with them and turn to yelling. Then my husband reminded me that if that's all I do they will hate to be with us. That's when it hit me... if I am more like a friend (but still lay down the rules and enforce them) then I will be the "cool" stepmom. Their mom and her mom absoultly hate me and talk lots of trash when they go over there (yes we have custody) and they are at the point now where they defend me. They baby those kids like CRAZY!!! They have no chores to do, no rules, and they take them everywhere they want to go... for a while they never wanted to do anything when they would come home but now we do everything together (if they do chores, we do cleaning with them... so they don't feel like they are the only ones having to clean and stuff... it really works) I hope this advice helps! If you have any other questions let me know!!! Good Luck!!!

how old are the boys? And how long have you known them for. I would suggest talking to there father first if you haven't already to make sure your on the same page and where is it you stand as far as authority. As for your future mom in law well there is no remedy for them, i have problems with my own stepping on my toes, so good luck with that LOL.
i hope you have a wonderful wedding

Don't do anything. Let the father raise his own kids. If he doesn't care about his own kids why should you? If the kids disrespect you just leave. Walk out. They are not your kids they are his. Let him deal with them. Let him be the bad guy. Don't get stressed out. It's obvious father doesn't respect you enough to care what you think and how you feel. That's a warning sign...run how he raised his kids is how he will raise your kids in the future.

Having had a step-child who is now grown, and one of my own children, I can see where step-moms make most of their mistakes. The biggest mistake you can make is to try to be the disciplinarian. If you have to watch the kids for a few hours a day until their dad gets home, just wait til he gets home, tell him about the situation and let him know you fully expect him to follow through with any and all discipline. It is simply not your place. Period. You can back him up by reiterating what he has said to the kids, or making sure they comply with the punishments HE hands down, but you can't be the primary source of authority with someone else's kids. Even if they are your step-children. You have to have a different relationship with these kids, especially at first. You have to allow them to come to you, not force yourself on them. Let's face it--the Brady Bunch was Bunch of ....Stuff!!! :)