Help Clingy Dad

Would some counseling help him? Perhaps he still has some unresolved issues from his divorce.

He's right - you don't understand. But that's a double-edged sword. Because you are not in his shoes you are probably able to be a bit more objective sometimes. If she seems excited and happy to go then he needs to accept that he has to let her grow up a bit and have her own life.

I've gone through this with my husband (I am the bio parent and my husband is the step-dad). He has given me good advice at times, primarily because I am so close to my son, and so worried about him, that I can't always see the forest for the trees. My husband doesn't totally *get* it, but over the years I've learned that he's not always wrong. And it helps to have a guy's perspective when I'm dealing with my own "guy" growing up (teen son).

Good luck and hope you guys can get to a good place.

"You don't understand" needs to be followed up by "help me understand." The more he can talk about what's bothering him, the greater your chances at getting to the root of what's really going on. I bet HE doesn't understand! Try to listen, and don't start arguing back at the beginning "well you just spent all last weekend with her" -- he needs to be able to just express himself first. Be open and try to repeat back what's bothering him so he feels heard. Once he agrees that you have grasped what he's trying to say, then you can move on to the issue at hand. You'll probably both have more willingness to figure it out.

Daughter needs to let Dad know how SHE feels.

Hopefully your responses will agree with you, and you can show them to your husband. So here's mine:

Husband, I know you love spending time with your daughter, but don't make her miss a party to spend time with you. That WILL end up breeding resentment, as your wife suspects.

Sadly, once she's a teen, she REALLY won't want to spend a lot of time with you. And you have to not let your feelings get hurt by that.

Socializing with her friends is a normal and healthy part of her development. So you have to let her do it. Just use the time from 11:00 to 6:30 with her doing something fun, and then let her go to the party. 7-1/2 hours is plenty of time for the two of you to do something fun.

And really, it is completely unfair of you to not want to miss your exercise class, but expect her to miss her party.

So that's what I want to say to your husband, C.. Good for you for having your stepdaughter's back, C., you must be a great stepmom. She will really appreciate you for that, and it will serve you very well as she enters her teen years.

You are right about that she is going to breed resentment. She is already pulled in two different directions and now can not go to a social event because HE wants to spend time with her. He sold himself a bill of goods attempt to make himself be super dad by saying he needed to spend more time with her but is not thinking of her.

What a great step mom you are being by thinking of her!! I think you need to tell him that you do understand and point out all the great things he does do. How forunate you all our that he can spend the time he does with her and if you get the sense that she really wants to go to this party then you both should let her go.

Good Luck!

I don't know how you can get through to him, other than just telling him he's being ridiculous! It sounds like he sees his daughter more than most fathers who have full custody of their children! I know my husband would love to be able to spend that much time with his children! I have home schooled all of my children for at least parts of their school career, but I guess reading of his reluctance to allow his daughter out of his sight, if the decision to homeschool her is because he needs to control her every move. If this is the case, I'm not sure it is a healthy reason. Not saying that you should put her back in school, especially as she has plenty of social interactions with other kids, but maybe just reevaluate why you homeschool. This dad has some control issues indeed and needs to be called on this fact. His daughter will begin to resent him and look for ways to rebel eventually if he continues to keep this kind of tight reign on her activities. I'm not sure how you make him see reason. I guess I would make sure your daughter is allowed to go to the party and deal with dad later. She is excited and wants to go, and as long as its a place that you are comfortable her going to, with people you trust, then she should definitely go! Good luck!!

Wow, I wish my kids got to spend anywhere even close to the amount of time with my husband as your SD gets with her dad, and we all live in the same house all the time!! Yeah, something else is going on here but I'm not quite sure what it is. Sounds like he doesn't want to hear it from you...maybe a 3rd party could talk to him?

The thing that would most alarm me about your entire message is where when you tell him what you think he says "You don't understand" which is another form of the classic you are not a parent message that many parents give. (I confess I have done it myself, but never to anyone who was actively involved in raising a child like you are.) The point is that his message is that you are not her parent so you cannot grasp how vital she is to him. That is a bad sign and needs to be addressed up front.

There is more going on here than meets the eye. Yes, she should go. yes, she will get angry at him if he prevents her from going to social events. Her social growth is just as important as her time with parents. Figure out what he is upset about, from those two things it is pretty clear this is a red herring issue.

If he is very defensive you may have a problem on your hands. Good luck.

I could be completely off base here, and I am sorry if I am. Is it that he is jealous of the time your stepdaughter is spending with her mother, so he wants to claim all the time he has with his daughter before she goes to her mothers? I mean obviously she doesn't spend NEAR the time with her mother as she does with her father, but maybe he just doesn't like giving her up for the weekend, scared she will forget him or something. Would he be having the same fit if it was on a weekend that she didn't go to her mothers?
I am in no way saying that he is in the right. I think he is being selfish and cruel. Not only is that going to cause her to resent her father, it could put a wedge between you and her.
Just a thought.

shes going to go Crazy when she is old enough to do what she wants and be unprepared and too naive for the real world if he continues.

ALSO do you all cuddle on the couch and watch tv? or J. her and him? if so thats unhealthy, she needs to see you guys love eachother and interact in a loving way, it cant be all about her all of the time, thats too much pressure to put on a kids

I had a childhood friend who was in the EXACT same situation as your step daughter. Tell your husband that it WILL breed resentment if he continues to do this. As kids get older they want (and should!) to spend time with their friends. It's a normal part of growing up. I clearly remember my friend telling me how much she hated her dad because he kept her home from parties and events.

Tell him he's LUCKY! My husband gets to see his daughter every other weekend during the school year - that's basically 4 days a month! Talk about missing your daughter! He had to FIGHT like crazy to get to split the summer by every other week and get more time during holidays and school breaks.

I understand how it feels to have to share your child, BUT my husband has taken his daughter to birthday parties on his time (and he only sees her 4 days a month!). He would love to spend every second with her, but (within reason) he knows as a father, sometimes you have to sacrifice your happiness for your child's. Wait until your step-daughter is a teen like mine & she's even more friend oriented. Its just the natural progression of parenthood. As they get older we are always slowing teaching them to spread their wings, not keep them bound up. Yes, she probably will build up resentment if he won't let her go. Especially at 10... she is his daughter and always will be, but she's also really becoming her own person who probably wants to have friends! Its the huge part of being a teen/tween.

I see where he's coming from, but bottom line - your husband is being selfish. If he wants more time with her, he needs to sacrifice his own wants (the exercise class) for his daughter's. And in the big scheme of her life, what will be the memory she'll hold onto most and grow the most from? Most likely (especially since her social circle is limited) it will be the party! Plus if he lets her go she'll be that much happier with him - i'm sure she'll give him a big hug and a "thanks daddy!" instead of a pout all night for keeping her home.
I don't think the family's schedule should always revolve around the children by any means, and if there was a legitimate conflict there's nothing wrong with not allowing the party, but being a parent is about raising your child to be a well adjusted adult and giving them great experiences that teach them skills (especially social skills!) - that includes encouraging them to have good friendships outside of the family!

I'm divorced. A single working mom. Even though I had primary custody, because of my schedule, I often felt like I didn't get enough time with my kids. BUT, I didn't prevent them from going to birthday parties or going roller skating or to a movie or spending the night if they were invited by friends.
Obviously, these things didn't happen every single day or every single weekend. Yes, I missed them. But it wasn't all about ME. If they were invited to do something fun and wanted to go, I let them. Kids need to be kids and experience things.
You only get to be a kid once. And, it's not a kid's job to make a parent feel better or make them secure or spare their feelings or meet their emotional needs. It's quite the opposite.

No, you don't understand. More importantly, his daughter isn't going to understand why he can't bear to be away from her for a couple of hours in the scheme of ALL the hours he has with her so she can do something that all typical, normal, healthy, happy kids get to do. The older she gets, the less she's going to understand it. Or like it.

Just my opinion.

he just needs to back it up! its not like she is 2! she should go to that party and he can bite the bullet. if my husband ever said our daughter shouldnt goto a party i would tell him what do you care your asleep all day! (he works grave yard so he wouldnt be going anyways). tell him theres nothing more to understand and he needs to look at how it would affect his child by him telling her no she now cant go!

I am totally on your side and think she should be allowed to go.

However, I guess I would just stay out of it if I was you. If he doesn't want her to go, let him be the one to tell her she can't go and let him be the one to entertain her Friday.

I hope he comes to his senses and lets her go to the party, though.