Help!! - Willis, TX

I am in the same boat, girl! My 2 1/2 year old little girl spends a lot of time in time out. I don't do the 'count to 3' thing. I am anxious to hear the other responses. Hang in there!
L.

E.,

Have you actually tried getting her attention? I learned with my now 3yo daughter that I had to talk "to" her and not "at" her. I ask her to look at my face. If she does not, I get on my knee and ask her to look at my face and then I tell her what I want her to hear. This works very well. Not only am I teaching her to look at someone when she speaks or is spoken to but it is actually getting her attention so that she can listen to me and with no distractions. Remember they are children and their attention span is limited at best. HTH

I must say that I used the count to three method with my children (all three of them) and found it to be very effective. It lets them know there is such a thing as a warning, but if you keep doing it that there will be a concequence. I agree with a couple of the other people though that at the age of 2 sending to the room really is not an effective punishment. Better to have a time out chair or have them sit in a corner. That's what I did because in the corner there is nothing that can really grab their attention, and I also used the chair. Both worked pretty well for me, but my youngest thought the time out chair was cool, so we had to use the corner for him. He was happy to be there. LOL. All of my children are very close in age, and the two's are hard, but very normal for tantrums and lack of listening. Let her have some freedom, but not too much. She's just testing her on feelings and you. It does get better though. Mine are now 10, 9 and 8 years old and they are wonderful kids. They actually do some things on their own now, and are more independent. Stay strong, and show that baby lots of love!!

Signed,
Blessed in Katy, Texas.

The best advice Mom gave me:
1) Mom always wins
2) pick your battles
3) kids will push you just to see how far they can go
4) This too shall pass

Be consistent, be fair, and remember that she's probably smarter than you think!
Good luck :-)

Get the book 1,2,3 Magic by Phalan. I've worked with emotionally healthy kids and emotionally disturbed kids and the book works with all of them. It's a great system if you do it the way the author suggests. I've probably recommended this to a 1000 parents over the years and everyone says, "It is magic." Also get Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman. Understanding the information will help you as she grows. She's too young for this to be helpful right now, but as she grows cognitively, you can start to incorporate this information. And keep in mind that she's 2 and her developmental task right now is to rebel. She's trying to develop a sense of self. She's doing her job. Your job is to set boundaries around the rebelling so she knows what's acceptable and what isn't. Good Luck.

C. C. M., M.S.
Licensed Professional Counselor
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Certified Gottman Educator For Bringing Baby Home
###-###-####
4131 Spicewood Springs, M-1, Austin, Texas 78759
www.mariposapsychotherapy.com
http://mariposapsychotherapy.blogspot.com

As a mother of a headstrong two year old, myself, I can certainly sympathize. I can attest to many of the techniques that Lori recommends. Once I gave over control on non-critical issues, I noticed a marked improvement in the flow of our day. Not every meltdown is averted, but they are certainly better managed.

One thing I don't do, however, is apologize for something that isn't an accident. Ie. I don't say, "Sorry, its time to go now." but I would if I hurt her while cutting her nails. That isn't to say that I'm not without sympathy. I might say, "I know you want to stay and play, but it is time to go. Do you want to walk or do you want me to be carried?". I give her a few seconds to decide and then just carry her (kicking and screaming) if necessary. I also eliminated, "...,okay" from the end of my sentences...I'm not asking for permission, afterall!

They are learning so fast right now that sometimes we overestimate what they can actually comprehend. They will really be concentrating on something and will just zone out. Sometimes you need to get down on their level and make sure they are looking at you.

I started please/thank you/cover your mouth insanely early...like when she was six months old. As a result, she will politely tell me, "no, thank you" when it is time to brush her teeth!

Oh, mom, I don't know if this ever goes away. If it makes you feel any better a few months ago i had 3 under the age of 3.

But I can say it gets a little easier as they get older. When my girls turned 3, so many things got easier, but others got harder.

All I can say is make sure she has your full attention, if she's playing or watching TV, you become background noise to her. Unfortunately, at this age, you have to be prepared to tell them several times to do something.

I wish you the best. And after a hard day, I find that reflecting on the silly things they did, I have a blog about them, so when they grow, they can have all of the stories to reflect on. It's a gift for them, and redirects me resentment, frustrations, and hard days to something nice.

For example: http://thecharlieandlucyshow.blogspot.com/

If you yell at a childm, it basically teaches them (especially at this young an age) that yelling is a form of communication. That it is perfectly normal to yell when we want something done or when we want to make things happen. A child's exposure to communication methods is seeing how their parents interact with one another, with an older sibling, and with the child herself. If you find that the only way to get your point across is to "raise" your voice at her then don't be surprise when she does that back to you. You know its wrong, but how can a 2 year old be expected to know tht the style that she is immitating her parents are wrong? Same goes with spanking, the child will associate that hitting is the way to get your point across. They may not hit you back right away, but it sure feeds into the thought that if I'm angry at a friend that I should hit them to get my point across. Just a thought?

We've always use the methods of the SuperNanny and it really really works. The key is follow through and making sure that it is not empty threats. If you've not watched, it is so worth it:

Give her one warning when she behaves in a manner that is not acceptable. When you give her this warning make certain that you do not raise your voice. Use a teacher's voice, stern and with detemination "we do not kick or scream when we are unhappym, we use words to say why we are unhappy", or "when mommy say its time to clean up, its time to clean up". Let her know what her consequenses are, "if you do not stop screaming, I will put you in the naughty (corner, pad, mat, chair, stool, bench.)" When she does that behavior right away, then you pick the child up or lead her by the hand to that naughty spot that you mentioned. The first few time that you do this, it will not work right away. You have to be persistant. If the child gets up you put them right back inot the spot WITHOUT FURTHER COMMUNICATIONS. This is one of the big key, once you put the child in the time out spot, there can be no communications coming from you Absolutely NONE. The child has to stay in that naughty spot for a total of the same minutes as her age; 2 mins for 2 year old. Set the kitchen timer. And again, if they get up from that spot b4 times up, you hve to start all over again until they have completed their time. Once she has completed her time, go down to her level to where you are face to face, in an angelic voice explain to her why she was put in time out "mommy, put you in time out bc you did not listen, you did not stop yelling when I asked you, you need to tell me you're sorry. If she does not tell you she's sorry then she gets another time out, but once she does then she gets a hug and a kiss and an I Love YOu! But consistancey is the key. You'll find that if you & your partner are consistant on this method, just the treat of a time out will get thme to stop the behavior that you dislike. It may be tough at the beginning but the reward will carry your much longer into her early years, so put in the effort.
Also, with regards to sending her to her room, You are sending mix signals. Her room is where she sleeps, that's where you put her down at night to feel comfortable and safe. But during the day you are going to use it as a punishment room? Wouldn't that be confusing to a 2 year old?

Consider that you have JUST mastered an entire language and for the first time in your whole life, you are able to communicate your needs/wants with others....would you be into listening or would you be into talking and being listened to? That's part of what is happening with 2 year olds.....they NEED to be given LOTS of time to talk (it may take awhile to get out of them what they are trying to say) and they need a LOT of time and patience to transition from one activity (eating breakfast) to the next (changing diaper). They have JUST learned the rules of language, have barely learned the laws of gravity/walking/running/doing things and basically need lots of time to do each and every one of these things as they "practice" them to perfection. So with two year olds, you just HAVE to be patient and not rush them unless its absolutely necessary and when it is, let them know, "I'm sorry we have to rush, sweetie, but mommie's got an appointment... etc.....let them know you respect their need for extra time in transitioning etc. when you HAVE the time so that they'll tolerate it better when you don't have the extra time.

Also, for disciplining when your chid doesn't listen. The reason she's not listening is NOT because she doesn't want to .....probably its because she is distracted by what is important to HER and is so absorbed in it (that's how two's learn about things...they almost BECOME the things they're interested in) that she doesn't hear you. In this case, the best way to get her to listen is not to punish her for being absorbed in her learning processes. Get down to her level and look her in the eyes and gently get her attention, then tell her, "we really HAVE to go to the kitchen right now, you can walk all by yourself or I can carry you but we ARE going to the kitchen now....By yourself or carried? Let her choose which she prefers and if she tries to ignore you say, "OK, I'll carry you". and then do. DON'T punish her for not listening....its not a behavior at this age or an insult to you....it is a result of her learning processes at this age and re-directing her to the task at hand AND GIVING HER A CHOICE WITHIN THE FRAMEWORK OF THAT TASK will work wonders! For those of you who say, "You can't always give them a choice...sometimes there IS no choice" I say....you can always give a choice....."We have to run to the store this minute. Do you want to hold my hand and walk or do you want me to carry you.....or....do you want to take the blue blanket or the red blanket with you.....It's time for bed....do you want to wear your flower pajamas or your train pajamas? Always you can offer a choice and that makes two's feel a little in control and re-focuses their attention on the choice rather than on the activity they're giving up.

Hope this helps. I've worked with infants toddlers and two's exclusively for over 25 years and ALL two's go through what yours is going through and the suggestions I've given have worked miracles and made the "terrible twos" a wonderful experience for many.

Good luck!
L.

you would be surprised at just how smart and engaging kids are at 2yrs. This works for me and I hope it will help you also. At bedtime invite her to a morning tea party so you "can have a grown up talk" and "want her help to fix a little problem that is kind of confusing" Also tell her just how much you love having girl talk with her. Next at morning tea(maybe juice in her cup) start by telling her that this is how women have been working out their friendships since the begining of time. Enjoy the ritual of serving the tea and show the proper use of the tools- stir with a spoon and lay the spoon on the saucer. show her how to place her napkin on her lap and the proper way to dab her lips after a drink.(wrap the napkin corner around your finger) Tell her that if she ever meets a princess that these skills will come in very handy. By now she should be deep into listening mode and it is time to cheerfully bring up the fact that as her mother, God trusted you to help raise this perfect little lady and tell her how much you love her and want her to have a happy life. Ask her if she trusts you and does she trust that you only want to teach her to be the best little girl she can be. Tell her how happy it makes you to be able to share time with her and how it makes you feel soooo uncomfortable when you scold her.Icky feelings are just icky. say " when I ask you to do something it is just to help teach you how to have a happy life." follow up with "if nobody teaches you, then you will never know how to do stuff and kids that are unsure of themselves are usually very sad and if you are sad then it makes me sad too" You should be on your way to a much easier exchange with your little grown up princess after this and try to remember that at 2yrs they are feeling independance for the first time and just don't know what to do with this new feeling. Good luck I hope this works for you.

I have a 12, 10 and 3 year old and have dealt with the exact thing you are dealing with my older ones. We hated the counting thing because it never seems to work until you get to three, so we began something a little different with the counting. We explained to our children that we will tell them first what we expect them to do. If they do not get up and do it we start counting. However, our counting is not how many seconds they have till they do it instead it is how many swats or minutes of time out they will have. So if I say one, they get one swat or one minute of time out. This has made them move immediately! After the first few times of being in trouble they move when I tell them to or at least by the number one.
Also, we don't use their room as a time out spot since all their toys are in there. We have a chair that sits facing the corner in the dining room.

However, I would also have her hearing checked, if you think that she seems to be in her own world or if you do not think she heard you. I always make them tell me back what I asked them to do. So if I said "Put your toys in your room" I ask, "What did I just ask you to do?"

Good luck!

2 can be so hard! Their 1st year is all about being loved and fed. At 2 they’ve have secured their basic needs, so now its time to enjoy and explore the world, not only around them but also inside of them (thoughts and feelings), thus, the strong wills! Think of it sort of like a toddler mid-life crisis...they've kept their hands off of so many things they've seen all their lives and now that they are older and life is manageable, its time to get and do what they deserve, except here, instead of a red Ferrari, it’s a glass vase or scaling the entertainment center.

With all that said, as far being able to handle her, remember that 2's don't know right and wrong and need to be taught, which is why most parents start considering their discipline techniques at this age. Start looking for clues how she learns – is she more of a feeling learner? Cognative? Visual? In the meantime, it sounds like she is taking a mile in one area where you are giving her only an inch in another area. Try keeping in mind 2’s can only grasp right and wrong – obeying is the next step, making good decisions is the next, etc. See what area you are inconsistent in giving in and consider making some adjustments.

Could you try distraction? If she is waving a kitchen knife she found, YOU have to take it from her and then say something as if she is being silly, like “We don’t play with knives! We play with our red ball! Lets go get it and see how fast it rolls!” If you expect her to put the knife down on her own, as you are learning, she won’t do it.

Hope this helps. Hang in there!

Two is a great age to start using Love and Logic and singing the "uh oh" song every time she doesn't listen -- if you can get a tape or cd about love and logic for early childhood, you'll find it highly entertaining and encouraging and you'll get a couple of very simple techniques for dealing with this and other problems. They point out that when a kid is small enough to pick them up and move them they need never frustrate you -- you have total control over where they are placed! I wish my seven year old were still as portable!

best wishes,
M.

Dear E., you are going thru- the crazy 1-2-3's, and they can also be a part of you! Take things slow. Is she an only child? if so, was she spoiled at birth, like all children? Well that speaks for alot..do the Emotional intensity Test, How active, sociable, adapts to change, persistent,activity level, frustration level,reaction to new people. Have you met any new people? Neighbors, pets, they also have their own senses. When she's taken off time-out is she awarded? All that matters.
Temperament is not something your child chooses, nor is it something that you created. A child’s temperament shapes the way he/she experiences the world. By watching and learning from your child, you can begin to slowly and sensitively help your child adapt, to expand his/her world, and to feel more confident about his place in it.

Your new Friend, Ms Liza

Could have one or more of 4 things going on here:

1) hearing issues. Like the suggestion u got about making sure her hearing is fine
2) attention issues. how many words are you saying in your instructions to her? somewhere I heard 7-9 words max for a 2 year old per time you speak. can't remember where.
3) your tone of voice. I know you don't want to yell, but if you are speaking without authority in your voice, she won't obey

4) power struggles. what occurs as a consequence for not "obeying" is not enough to deter her from disobeying you. Some kids can't be put in their rooms as punishment. One of my kids (the quieter, more introverted one) NEVER minded going to his room! He prefers the quiet and solitude and can occupy himself by just sitting there thinking! SO we weren't punishing him, we were in fact rewarding him.

Have you had her ears checked? I had a problem with my 6 yr old daughter, that I fussed at for not hearing me - even when she was in front of me watching TV on the floor. I finally took her to the Ear, Nose and Throat dr. He said she had ear wax plugging her ear canals! He cleaned her ears out in his office and she sang in the car to the radio all the way home. I felt so bad about not doing something earlier.

Her older brother never had that problem, so I didn't know she had a problem. My ENT dr said NEVER put anything in your ear bigger than your elbow! LOL- meaning not even a Qtip- that only pushes the wax back in the canal. This might be her problem and worth a trip to the dr.

Terrible Two's are the hardest times because children DO try your patience and push your buttons, but you have to remain firm with them. Good luck.

You are the adult and at 2 they do understand that and are able to understand that YOU are giving into her. Stop counting, but sit her down (at a time when you're NOT asking her to do something) and explain EXACTLY what you expect from her. Tell her that when you make a request (and always do it when she's looking at you - get down on her level if possible) you expect her to do it. Tell her what the consequence will be if she doesn't and try to make it match the "crime". Tell her you won't be counting anymore, that you have the confidence in her to KNOW she can and will do what you ask when you ask. If she doesn't do it, don't even speak to her, just carry out the consequence - whatever it may be - you've already laid the foundation, now carry thru. It may take a couple times, but it will work with consistancy. If you don't speak, you can't yell and don't be rough either, just simply follow thru. Good luck!!!

I have a 3 year old who is actually pretty compliant and I still struggle with this. I find myself telling her things over and over again and I just get more and more aggrivated with her for having to repeat myself. I, too, am tired of having to raise my voice to get her to respond to me. My friend told me once that by counting, we're actually training them not to listen or respond until the counting starts (or you get to 3). She said that unless we deliver consequences on the first time, they won't respond the first time. This is hard to do because I like to give her the benefit of the doubt (maybe she really didn't hear me), but I have found that getting her attention first and making sure she is listening gives her no excuse not to. Then, if she ignores me, she gets timeout right away. This, I hope, will help to retrain her to obey right away. I'll let you know how that works out, but just give it a shot!

Hi E.! I am in the same boat with you! I have a toddler and she is our first baby so this is all new to us. However what I have heard and learned is that consistency is key! Just when I get tired of counting and putting her in time out if she doesn't listen....just when I feel like giving up because it's not working, the next time this occurs she actually listens! It's funny because here I am thinking this is not working and I want to give up...she shows me that she knows I will follow thru if she doesn't do as I ask. Keep being persistent and follow thru with what you say...she'll catch on and know you mean business. I have also learned to pick my battles and not get onto her for every little thing. They are little and exploring so also finding distrations and other creative ways to divert her from the unwanted behavior is good so you aren't always using the same discipline method. Hope this helps and lets you know you are not alone! Good luck!

How close are you to her when you give your request? She knows that you will count, so she waits for it. Come close to her tell her what you want once in a normal voice, while smiling at her, and don't repeat. Teach her to acknowledge you when she hears you, "Say yes Ma'am." (the first time...) "What do you say?" (smile) "Oh what a good listener!"(smiles and hugs and kisses) and give her lots of praise or a sticker for being a helper when she listens and does what you ask her the first time. Surprise her with a treat when you call and she comes after the first call. She's two and will probably test to see what you will do if she doesn't come. If she disappoints put your treat away and express your sadness that you can't give the reward. "We'll try again another time!" When she is older you can talk about tuning her ears to your voice.

Hmmm! I think I better start doing this with my little guy. :)

Read the book Love and Logic by Jim Fay

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Love-Logic-Magic-for-Ear...

Ahhh yes, the lovely dynamic between the stay at home mama and wee girl. Yup, I know what you mean :) My gal tries to get away with everything...but i am pretty relaxed too maybe. I guess the first thing I would wonder is what exactly are you asking/requesting/etc. her to do when she isn't listening.

I am still working on the whole pick up after yourself business but if i work with her and make it fun to do together then it's more likely to occur. I enjoy letting her explore as needed though. Every so often I still get annoyed, someone's got to push the boundaries out there. Try spinning the conversation around a bit and see what happens. Yes, I have often sat there and "rationalized" with my toddler. It's probably pretty funny from other's perspectives :)

Hi E.,
I would suggest that you get right in her face- make eye to eye contact to make her listen. sometimes that is very effective and you do not have to raise your voice...but, sending her to her room is not punishment- her room is where all her "fun" things are- and where she probably feels very safe there- so I would suggest a different type of "time out" to get her attention. Going to her room where all her toys are is only fun for her.
good luck and blessings

Hi E.,
My son is just turning 3 so I just went through all that. I would highly recommend the book "Love and Logic". Their technique is about keeping your cool and using a sympathy word to let your child know they are in trouble. A great technique in there that worked for me is...Warn once "dont touch that, ect., next warn with consequence "if you touch that again you will go to your room", if they do it again you use your sympathy word (ours is "so sad"), and give them their consequence (basically you follow through with your warning), so I would say "so sad, now you must go to your room for not listening to mommy" and take him to his room. It is all about staying cool, but letting them know you are in charge. It is also about giving them choices. That is why many toddlers flip out. The are trying to control their environment. If you want them to do something, give them a choice. Example is, you want them to take a bath and they refuse, then say " do you want to take a bath in mommy's bath or your bath?" they get really excited because now you are giving them control of the situation, but ultimately you are getting what you want, them to take a bath. I hope that makes sense. The book explains it better in detail. It really worked for me. Good luck, its a fun age!

I feel your pain- my daughter just turned 3 and is very headstrong. I wish I had an answer or could tell you it will get better. I don't and it may not for quite some time. BUT... you can manage it. This is what I've learned so far. 1. Pick your battles carefully- I find myself battling over small things just because I feel like she needs to learn to listen. This is counter-productive. If everything is a battle and we say NO to everything then battling becomes normal. Stong willed children welcome this kind of challenge. 2. Try to stop raising your voice- action speak louder than words and as bad as it seems she is trying to get that emotional rise out of you. When you get to 3 just walk over to her and take her to her room without saying a word or saying very few words. Don't get me wrong- I still raise my voice but I have cut back A LOT. 3. Try to reward the good- it really can work if you stick with it. Reward the same good behavior that is opposite of bad behavior you have the most trouble with- consistantly. Don't skip all over the place. For intance bedtime is a real issue with my daughter and if she is good at bedtime- lays down and is quiet and doesn't come out of her room. Then she gets to pick a small prize from the prize bag the next morning. But at 2 you may need to reward more immidiate behaviours because at 3 my daughter is just starting to really get the concept of "tomorrow". 3. Stop counting for things you always count for- she is looking for that negative attention- see the response you get when you just immediatly take her to time-out or her room the first time she doesn't listen to something you've already had to get on to her about that same day.

Well- sorry that was so long- hope some of it helps. The good news is that our headstong little girls will grow into stong women!