First Time Obedience

I heard a child psychologist speak recently. She was excellent. She recommended (1) request (2) friendly reminder, then (3) action...more or less. She has a book out entitled, "Beyond Time Outs" by Dr. Beth Grosshans. I think "first time obedience" is certainly ideal but unlikely with every child, every time. Especially with a 2.5 year old.

Children that age process information much, MUCH more slowly than adults. She's got to listen, process, think and then her body has to perform the motor planning necessary to accomplish what you requested.

Try saying it ONCE and waiting -- does she respond in the same amt of time of four requests? She may not need FOUR requests, but she may need one request and four times the processing time. (I've heard that children at this age process 11 times more slowly than adults.)

Also, if you're using your voice to direct her from across the room or even just outside her reach, you need to move close to her where you can gently guide her body or her hands, too. She'll learn more if you SHOW her, too, at her level, and as she matures, you can fade the demonstration/action and simply make a voiced request.

Start the day (before incident) by telling her that she needs to learn to obey Mommy the FIRST TIME she is asked. Tell her that if she doesn't, she will go straight to time out, no second chances.

Then follow through with NO EXCEPTIONS. This might take a few days, and lots of crying, begging and bartering on her part, but if YOU are CONSISTENT, she will rise to the occasion!

My daughter developed this problem after her sister was born, and especially if I was in the chair breastfeeding, then she knew I couldn't respond immediately. It took me having to put down a baby who was still hungry and screaming for her to realize that I was serious and she needed to obey. My consistency was not as good as I would've been pre baby and it took a while for her to get it, so I encourage you to step that part of it up. She's doing much better these days.

You need to be strong which I am sure you are. Sometimes yelling works but like all moms we don't want to constantly yell. I would try out times let her know that if she doesn't listen byt the third time you ask than she will be on out time. Out time needs to be somewhere she can't stand to be like a bed or stairs or chair in the corner. Her time doesn't start till shes not crying or winning. Shes to sit for her age time so shes two have her sit 2 mins in that spot. Explain to her after her punishment why shes there and how if she would have done what she was told she would have gotten rewarded. Do a reward system either use marbles or stickers or chips (Bingo CHips). She gets one when she does well or listens and than after like a week she can go to the dollar store and get something or she gets a piece of candy or whatever you come up with but reward her. Also at the teacher stores. They have like choir or schedule board you can use too for her. Make sure she has a structured day those usually help. Its harder when at home to have structure than when you work. Hope I gave you some good stuff to do and hope it helps.

I think redirection and constant reminders for kids this age will eventually help with 1st time listening. We try to set up the house/events/etc so that we don't have to say no too often so it means something. Also trying to say what the child CAN do helps.. instead of NO NO NO ...like when our son was biting, we'd say ... we use our mouth for eating, drinking, talking... etc... instead of biting. I also think knowing as a parent what is reasonable for a 2 1/2 year old is important... and it helps me be more patient.

I have similar difficulties with my 2 1/2 year old daughter, but these are some things that seem to improve the responsiveness rate:

- make sure you have her attention before communicating the request (call name & get eye contact, etc.)

- use a consistent communication code, such as:
* firm, clear voice
* counting slowly to 3 if she doesn't respond at first, and intervene consistently after 3 if she doesn't respond, with some form of discipline.

- give options instead of ultimatums when able. (i.e. do you want to get into your seat by yourself, or do you want me to help you?)

Hope this helps

First time obedience is taught by enforcing your rules the first time you ask them, every time.

1. Only make rules you plan to enforce.

2. When you tell her to do something and she doesn't do it, immediately get on the floor at eye level and make eye contact and repeat what you told her to do sternly.

3. If she still doesn't, I make my daughter do things I tell her. If she doesn't come when I say come, I go, grab her hand, and make her walk to where I asked her to come.
If she doesn't put something back when I ask, I take her hands and make them put it back.
Stop is a tricky command. Try to be more specific with that one.

4. If she still won't do what you asked, you should enforce an immediate consequence that fits the circumstance.

5. Be consistent. Eventually obedience will be your child's first choice.

Don't say it 4 times... If you want her to listen the FIRST time, tell her once. Warn her once, then YOU get up and dole out punishment or physically move her.

If I call one of my 3 and they do not come If I get to 2 then I am moving to go get them and bring them BACK to where I was. Then I tell them what I wanted. They do get the idea pretty quickly, but you have to INSIST that they listen. I have never gotten to 3. I do not start over. Its one, two and if they arn't moving by two I am... And make sure its actual seconds... Not one, then two five minutes later...
And make sure you have their attention BEFORE talking. Make sure they are looking at you.
Also, do not raise your voice. My kids know, if mommy is YELLING something is WRONG and to listen RIGHT NOW!

If you can not get their attention calmly saying their name then get up, go over and touch them. Tell them that you called them and then tell them what you wanted.

It takes starting very young and they do get it quickly. Especially when its the only way you handle it.

Hi L., This is typical, but you are right to address it. Raising your voice or showing anger will backfire on you, this teaches her that she has power over the situation and your emotions. She will repeat the behavior until it blows up into a power struggle. Try lowering the tone of your voice rather than raising it, it sound more commanding. After she has ignored you, approach her, get between her and the distraction if possible, this will cause her to look at you. Then tell her that if she does not do what you asked her to do right now, she will go in the time out chair. Usually this method gets results, but if she defies you, put her in the chair, one minute for each year of age. So 2 1/2 minutes. Remember, no talking to her except to explain why you are putting her in the chair,(You didn't mind mommy, so you are in time out). If she gets up, put her back and start the timer over again. When she has stayed the time, go to her, remind her what she did wrong, ask for a hug and let her go play. Attention span at this age is very short, but by being consistent she will learn to pay closer attention to what you say in the first place. Always say what you mean, and mean what you say as empty threats will also backfire. It's also good to remember that a child's full time job is to play, it is how they mature and learn. Good luck and happy holidays. P.S. In regards to another poster, she can cry and whin while in time out, as long as she stays sitting.

You are experiencing a challenging age for sure! Familiarize yourself with 1-2-3 Magic. It always works for me and keeps us from having to yell at our kids. When they understand, one gets their attention - two is serious - three means consequences. Trust me. After a couple of consequences, you will be back in control. The first couple will be an adventure though!

Good luck.

S.

PS: My son is 11 and it still works!

My boys are both 9 & 11 now and I have used 1-2-3 with them since they were 2. It still snaps them into gear when I say 1.

Make your request. If no action - state a consequence and give to the count of three. If they don't respond you have to follow through with the consequence. That's the key. If it's just a threat it won't work over the long haul. Even in a grocery store I would use a time out and have them sit on the floor (I'd stay right with them and wait) If they scream the time out gets longer (I would tell them that) "If you keep standing up your time out gets longer"

My boys still know I mean business when I say 1 and I rarely need to give consequences. They are very well behaved. I get compliments all the time.

I got the whole technique from the book "Magic of 1-2-3"

Consequences would vary based on age and the child. Sometimes it was losing a privilege (a movie they wanted to watch) or a favorite toy. Sometimes a time out.

Some would say you're teaching them to wait until the count of 3 - and that did happen when they were younger sometimes, but, I've found my boys still snap to at the 1 at this age so I am happy!

2 is an age where they are constantly testing to see where the boundaries are - it's kind of their job right now. So, don't get angry - the 1-2-3 gives you some structure so that you can remain calm and know that you'll win out in the end.

Good luck!!!!

L.; yes i understand, i did this with my kids, except i started to count, and when i got to a certain number like 3 they would have to give it to me or else, but then i was thinking like you , why shouldnt they listen the first time, and i agree with you , but my kids are now 21,17, 15, and i cant rememeber what i did, to get them to listen the first time, i think i had to correct me and not them, by saying please give it to me, or this will happen, and then i waited with my hand out if they did not give it to me and or run away, or a small amount of time went i would go get the item, and then discipline them and i would follow through on my threat, cause a threat does no good if you dont follow through, so even on supernanny they get one warning then put on the naughty chair for a time out equal to their age, 2 year old 2 minutes, and then in order to get off the chair, she would say mommy put you in the naughty chair cause you ....... now say your sorry, and the kids would , but be consistant, if you say something make it happen, if you have a child who begs for things, and you say no, no, no, no, and eventually their begging makes you change it to a yes, then you are not being consistant, once your kids know you mean what you say its easier, if your gonna change your no to a yes, then why not just say yes the first time? this eliminates alot of fuss and stress on your part as well, so continue to be consistant, if they dont listen the first time its ok to put them in time out for reason of not listening, especially stop and dont move voice, this can eventually save their lives, mommy put you in the naughty chair cause you did not stop when i yelled , when you dont stop something bad could happen, like .... now say your sorry, and they will and eventually through consistancy they will learn you mean business, it really helps, it has helped me raise my 3 boys, yet now i need to figure out how to do it as they are teens, since they exercise their power a bit more, ahahahaha like ok time to turn off the computer has become the same struggle, they dont listen, but i think for every time i have to say it, will be the amount of time deducted from the next computer use, so i need to work on me too, and be consistant with my now teens, haahahah so hang in there and it will work, i did not have trouble with my boys when younger in this matter, so thanks through me talking to you ive fixed me and my situation with teens, ahahahahah have a great day and keep being that good mom you are, D. s

Practice it in a game. Get her attention and give her one direction she's to finish quickly and return to you, then try another one. Stop before it gets boring, practice every day. If it's fun she'll be more likely to do it later. Good luck!

As a mother of six, I can tell you from experience that the best way to teach FIRST TIME obedience is to correct your children the FIRST TIME they do not respond to you. It may sound kind of simplistic, and the concept certainly is, but responding immediately to your child's disobedience is much more difficult than it sounds.

First, you may find yourself giving a command more than once because you really don't want to have to punish your child. Also, you may be busy at the moment, with your hands in dishwater or nursing an infant. You may just be plain tired of the disobedience and having to get up to correct the behavior that you may be tempted to let the behavior go! Trust me, the rewards are well worth sticking to it.

Many people ask me HOW on EARTH I can deal with having so many little ones (#7 is due in just a few months now) and if I could give them just ONE piece of advice, this would be it. My children come when called, help clean up, follow instructions, and are generally just a joy and a help to me. This does NOT mean that we don't all have our moments! They are still children and I am still human!! However, I don't know of very many parents that can say such positive things about their children and their experience as parents.

I wish you all the best in your adventures in parenthood! May you have as wonderful a time parenting your little one(s) as I have!

Hi L., Before you switch to punishment, and yelling, make sure that he is deliberately disobeying. At this age, my son gets so "into" what he is doing and can't process other things. Make sure that when you are talking to him that you have his full attention. I find myself walking past him and telling him to do things. I find that he never "minds" when I do this. So I have to watch myself and make sure that when I tell him to do something, I go to him and get his attention, by touching him and looking him in the eye, and then only when I have his attention do I tell him to do something.

When I do this, he does it, and only when he is deliberately disobeying, does he not do it. However, more often than not, I am gettting ready to leave the house and yell from the bathroom for them to get their shoes on... and I find that they rarely do it in a timetly matter and I end up getting frustrated and yelling. When I am in the right place, I leave lots of time, get myself ready and then I go talk to him and tell him to please put your shoes on so that we can go to wherever.

Good luck, hope this helps.

L.: I think you received a lot of great advice here, but I wanted to add one thing. I'm a little bit concerned about using a Time Out Chair (or whatever) for every little thing. If this is used for the smallest of infractions, then it will lose it's power for larger infractions (and you know what they say: bigger kids, bigger problems LOL) Rather than consistenly putting your daughter in time out for not listening, I would go with the 1-2-3 approach. With the 2nd warning, I would give her an appropriate and related consequence to the offense: e.g. if she doesn't give something back, perhaps a toy, then that toy goes into time out and she can't play with it for X amount of time. With time, she will understand that there are going to be consequences to her behavior, and she will listen to you on the 1st notice. Of course, some things need response on the first try immediately, like STOP, because it can be a safety issue. Although she is very young, I would explain to her that STOP means STOP right now - that would be a reason for a time out, until she learns that phrase. Just my 2 cents.

dont tell her 4 times. tell her once give warning then follow thru and puy her in the corner. she will eventually get with the program. shes not taking u seriously cause she knows its an empty threat

What has worked well with our son is to enforce what we request on the first request. For example, "Stop" is followed by immediately removing him from whatever it is that we want him to stop doing. He knows that we mean it, because we aren't asking two or three (or, in the case of one family we know, 8 or 10) times.

I agree with Carrie... My son is now five, and I feel that at his age now, that we are fighting more than ever with his listening skills. But as before, we also get down on his level to speak with him.

When he was younger, the talks were more simplistic to be age-specific as they tend to tune you out after long sentences and a few minutes. (something to keep in mind at all times for any age - I think!)

Another thing I try to keep in mind - this is the age for discovery. Even for my son as he is a sponge for knowledge. Your daughter is absorbed in her surrounds and this is how she learns. I feel she does not have the full capacity to mentally grasp everything yet, but she will.

Redirection is wonderful, and making sure you do not say no to limit everything you are letting her do makes a huge difference!

You mentioned the 'naughty corner' as her time-out... I wanted to share my feelings on this as I have seen a few other parents mention it. Please note that in no way am I trying to offend - I just noticed my son stressed out after an occurrence with this.

I for one, never agreed with having a child be in the corner as I feel that when they are a bit older that it damages their emotional physique (sp?). My daycare did this to my son one day. I only found out about it as he put himself in the corner for something we were about to just say "Stop - don't do that!" and the offense didn't even warrant a time out. He told us that he was put in a corner in daycare in his room with the instructor - something they told us they never did, and of course later denied. They told us the kids were role-playing or he picked it up from a show (and I still screen his shows on t.v.). Needless to say, after that even - as he had some violent night terrors that began that evening after his daycare event - We pulled him immediately from the center.
My son suffered the night terrors for a full two weeks after that. So, given that and from recalling days as a child in school and at home - I for one feel it is not fair to kids to do this. Special chairs or the bed works very well - as does the fact that when they are young, they seem to feel bad when Mommy and / or Daddy are really upset or hurt with them. (At least mine does.)

I am listening to an excellent book on tape called "Parenting with Love and Logic". I'm sure many moms out there have heard of it or read it. The basic concept is to give kids choices in a calm voice . . "would you like to hold my hand, or would you like me to carry you?" "would you like to get in the bathtub yourself or have me put you in?", " would you like to put on your shoes or have me put them on?" "would you like to have a fit in your room or would you like to stay here with me?" It forces the child to make the choice, thus accepting responsibility for the outcome. And either choice has an acceptable outcome for the parent. I can't tell you how much this approach has helped me to stay calm. It takes some practice to think of 2 choices that are acceptable to you, but if you have time to read the book, it will give you lots of examples. If you don't have time to read, see if your library has the book on tape. You can listen to it in the car. Good luck!