21 Month Old Wont Look Me in the Eye When Being Scolded and Thinks Its a Game

My boy did the same thing, even if I tried to lift up his chin he forces his eyes away from me. We now put him in a corner for 2 minutes in a nearby room (where he can still hear that we are having fun eventhough he was naughty.) We used to put him in his bed, but was advised not to do that...as the child may start to refuse nap/bed time because of the association with punishment. If he walks out of the corner before 2 minutes, continue to put him back, if that doesn't work, try a "naughty" chair. Good luck, hopefully it'll phase out...

You're right, it is a game to him.

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Hi T.,

Children are usually always better at someone else's home. I think your little guy has your number and it sound like he is doing a little testing of his own to see how much he can get away with.

Hang in there! Be strong willed and don't give in.

Your children will thank you when they are older. Trust me!

J.

Hey T.,

Time outs really don't work until they are 2 1/2 or three. Instead of scolding use only 3 to 5 words to get your point across. with scolding there are usually too many words to process, and its too overwhelming.

I like the idea of having another pack-n-play used only for alone time. They won't get confused about why they are there. And they won't develop bad associations toward bed time. And also there are no toys to play with and might not want to go there too often. Praise he as much as you can through out the day and smile and hug as well. He will want that attention more and start doing things that will earn them and not the other behavior.

Good luck!

He's too young for time outs. He needs distraction or other discipline. Boys are also notorious for not making eye contact--and it doesn't necessarily mean that they aren't listening. If you force them to make eye contact it can actually decrease their listening skills. Check out some good discipline books for toddlers (1-2-3 Magic, Power Struggles...there are many) or take an ECFE class about discipline. Michael Gurian also wrote some excellent books about raising boys ("The Good Son") and offers step by step advice for every age group. Good luck! I have spirited boys also.

I am a middle-school teacher and recently went to a training on brain development. The speaker told us something that may help you. I have a 24 month old son as well, and it was really good advice. He said that you should NEVER FORCE A BOY TO LOOK YOU IN THE EYE when you discipline him. Boys brains do not function well when you force them to access the emotional center of their brains. That part of their brains is not well developed yet. If you force them to look at you, they will more than likely shut down and not hear you at all. They will go into a "fight or flight" mode to escape.

You can still effectively discipline your son without making him look you in the eye. Twenty-one months is not too young for time-outs; my son gets them on a regular basis. We force him to sit on a chair until he is told he can get down. Of course, you may need to physically restrain him when you are teaching him what a time-out is. My son also gets a swat on the rear if he gets down without permission. We rarely need to do this however, since he understands time-outs. They have been the most effective form of discipline, and also very very effective in helping him calm down if he gets overly stimulated.

Good luck!

A.

Hi -

One thing that I would suggest that has nothing to do with discipline. Have someone check your son for developmental delays (either a doctor or a teacher from ECFE). This is very hard for a mom to hear (trust me I have been there twice)But not being able to look mom in the eye is a warning sign of autism as well as seeming to ignore you. You may be giving him time outs for something that he is unable to do. I did not beleive that with my first child and he didn't get diagnosed until much later and missed out on a lot of early intervention. Please don't worry - better to have him checked out and find out he is ok than to miss out on help. My younger child also is on the spectrum but being that I knew what to look for he got help by age two and he is doing great - no one can even tell he has developmental delays. I felt like people were criticizing my older son so I didn't get him help right away - my pride got in the way.

Bless you!

I think some kids just do that, T.. I think it is there method of dealing with the scolding. My son also doesn't look me in the eye when he is in trouble - even when I'm right down on his level. Since he is older, 6, I know its not a vision thing. He hears me, but he thinks better when he is not also 'watching'. As long as your son is hearing you, and not messing around when you are talking to him, I wouldn't worry about it.
Now that I think about it, my husband does that too! :-)

My 2 year old is doing the same thing. When he does it, instead of just repeating myself over and over (which is what I was doing), I now ask him to tell me what I'm asking from him/telling him to do. It forces the interaction that the avoidance of eye contact prevents. It doesn't always result in him listening, but it does take away the ever-frustrating feeling of being ignored by your own child. :)

Don't waste your time scolding a 21 month old. Simply remove him from the situation, and move on. He is too young to respond to scolding - a 21 month old child is not ready to reason with you. A strong, "No" and removal from the situation should be sufficient.
Good luck.

T., I had the same issue with my son, who is now 5. I thought it was a sign of disrespect when he would'nt look at me when I was talking to him about something he'd done. I have come to think it might be that it was just to overwhelming to look right at me and see the disapproval in my eyes. Also, maybe instead of putting him in his crib for a time out, since all his toys and loveys are probably in there, what about maybe a pack and play? That way there are no toys in there and he'll be more bored, feel less at ease. Also it will prevent there being any negative associations with his crib.... Just a few thoughts...hang in there...

This sounds familiar to me, I have a daughter around the same age. I don't have an eye contact issue, but she likes getting time-outs. We only give them to her mainly when she hits or screams, and she knows when she deserves one because she will look at you with a certain look. But she thinks it is kinda funny. Then after 5 or 10 minutes, and multipletimeouts she is done. I really think she is just testing boundaries to see reactions to her actions. Stick with it and I'm sure it will get better.

T.,
I like the idea of the pack n play for a quiet time. The other thing you can try is sitting with him in the spot you have designated for time out. The other thing you can try is telling him what you would like him to do instead of focusing on what not to do. Example: please put your feet on the floor, instead of; don't stand on the table. Hopefullly, this will help your situation.
J..

Read the book "Raising your Spirited Child". You are taking the wrong approach - he is actually smarter than you think and you will need to develop new communication tools to get him to respond to you.

15% of children are Spirited (smarter than we are). If you don't get some new tools in your toolbox honey, he will run your life forever. Read it. Devour it. Grow with your child instead of against him.

This is absolutely the BEST book on the market for this problem. You will instantly feel better once you crack this amazing book.

A friend gave me a web sight about discipline,it was on www.baby.com/relationships/marriage. It had a good article on discipline. It said how you need to put them in time out right away with no warnings,if you are consistant it will be less and less that they act up. It worked for my 4 year old. consistancy is the key. They dont have to look you in the eye. If they dont stay in the corner you can hold them,other wise dont worry about what he does while he is there as long as he stays there. He knows what to expect when hes with different people and what he can get away with. so be consistant and also just have one spot for time outs and this should not be in his bed or in his room. Have a special chair or corner.Also know what things should be for time out and things that are not a big deal that can be discussed. A 21 month old does not have a very big attention span yet and the best thing to do in alot of cases is to distract them and put their attention on something else.They learn alot from their invironment by touching,tasting etc. this is not a bad thing. You probably will have to do alot of reminding at this age,so tell him no and then distract his attention to some thing else. Good luck!

I'm sure he does listen to you, but is ashamed and doesn't want to look at you. They say even 2-yr-olds have pride. I think you'll just have to get in his face, so he knows you're serious. And always follow through, of course.
I've heard you shouldn't use the crib as a punishment place, because when they have to nap or go to bed, you don't want them to associate that as punishment, just as a place to rest. Maybe a time-out chair (you'd have to continue to put him back in there) or a pack-in-play if you want the confinement (no toys). Good luck!!!

Not looking you in the eye when scolded is a sign of submission. The acting like it is a game is his trying to get it on a possitive side so to speak. I bet he is listening to what you say, just disregarding it. He is learning a lot while you both go about this. He is learning what he shouldn't do, although his self control isn't so strong. He is learning that he can keep your attention by misbehaving in time out, or he can go play in his crib. He is learning to control the situation. After you scold him, turn your back, that way his game playing is ended. It shows him it is done. If he needs a time out, have a play yard or a kitchen chair as the time out place. Remember time out should only be for the year they are, so his should only be 2 minutes long at the most. Set a Timer or show him where the second hand (call it the long hand) should be on the clock. This makes them know there is a end to the time out. I worked at day care and we used this method and didn't have a lot of problem with it. If he gets up, gently put him back but don't add time at this time, when he is older you can start the time over again.

Hope this helps

First off, calm down. Do you look at someone in the eye when you are being yelled at? I tend to shrug away. He hears you. You are right - he's a kid and he's testing his limits. Try not to think of it as "punishment". I would stick to every time you need to give a time out go put him in his crib. Then everyone can calm down alone. It's ok for him to have a fit in there OR to play. Give him a couple of minutes and then bring him out when he is sweet and smile at him. Now, if he does the bad act again 2 seconds later - DON'T WORRY. That's totally normal. Just repeat the consequence you've decided to give - put him in his crib. Don't expect him to stop doing the bad behavior immediately - that is unrealistic. If it's a bad habit it may take weeks to break. But he will learn what is acceptable and if you are calm about it he will also realize that if he tries to push your buttons it does not affect you so he won't get a reaction out of you. He'll get a better reaction out of you when he is a sweet boy and you are loving on him for something positive. Also, you and dad need to be on the same page. Don't let a behavior be ok for one and then he runs to the other for rescue. That's completely confusing and not fair. You and dad need to agree.

I have a 22-month old daughter who, yesterday, ran away from me in a busy parking lot, laughing all the while I yelled in a near-hysteric voice! I totally feel your frustrations.

Time outs don't work for her yet and she is much more independent than my son was at her age. I try to be very serious, use the word "danger" when situations arise like yesterday. I do a lot of distracting, holding her hands and saying "no" or "naughty behavior", and removing from the situation. I don't think kids get that discipline isn't a game until closer to 2-1/2 or even 3. Hang in there!

T.; i trick ive found that works is whisper to a child when disciplining, this may sound funny, but it works, they cant hear very well so they perk up to listen, look at him in his eyes and whisper, mommy loves you but you cant do that ... what ever it is, whisper, my mom told me this and i just laughed, but i tried it, and it was a mazing, ahahhah any way try it, sounds like you are doing a good job, and also very important for parents to support each others decisions esp about discipline, make your yes mean yes and your no no will also give him boundaries, and he will know how far to push or not to push, keep up the good work, and while in the crib take away all toys, and use moms time out method, or watch and her and see how she does it, she seems to have it under contol also, but try whispering your wishes, D. s