Alternatives to Yelling

Try going down to their levels, look them straight in the eye, speak firmly, mean what you say, provide consequences if they do not listen and then walk away!

Two ideas:

1. Try whispering. You'll be amazed at how they sit up and pay attention to a whisper!

2. I had a great aunt with about a gazillion kids and she never yelled. She tapped her forehead right between her eyes and would say "Look right here when I am talking to you." And they did!

Good luck. Yelling sucks, I agree.

I can relate I've had the same issue with my son! I've found that Super Nanny has a great technique of getting down to their level and looking them in the eye and talking to them. Use it the way it works best for you. For example if you say something once and they don't listen, get down to their level and give them one more chance if they still don't listen off to time out. I've found that this works but is easier said than done depending on the situation. Whatever you do it's important to be consistent and do it the same every time. Don't give extra warnings they just learn to take advantage and push it to the absolute limit. (Learned that the hard way!)

I love Super Nanny by the way she has some great advice!

touch them on the shoulder or arm, get good eye contact, and LOWER your voice. make them strain to hear you. then ask them to repeat back what you said.
repeat until paying attention becomes automatic.
khairete
S.

Yelling can turn into anger, which can later turn into hitting, losing control, or just plain feeling bad about yourself, and it can create a less warm and loving environment. It's best to teach children inner control to do things on their own and to please you, instead out of fear, for a boat load of psychological reasons. It's something I have struggled with at times too, but I have found these resources to be most helpful:

"ways parents can control their anger"
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T061800.asp
""how to communicate effectively"
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T061000.asp

and the book "playful parenting' has lots of ways to communicate in a fun and positive way.

The key when doing new techniques, is to follow through, remain consistent and be calm and follow up with plenty of positive reinforcement.

Rather than yelling just tell them "this is what you are going to do right now" and then you physically get involved with the task, once you start the action hopefully they will follow suit. Yelling only causes strife and anxiety for all involved. Sometimes doing just the opposite "whispering" your demands will attract attention more than yelling. Give that a try. Example: Whisper in your 5 yr olds year "Dont tell anybody but it's time we pick up these toys real fast, hurry, hurry, hurry before they know what we are doing.." Secrets/whispering is just a different way to get a point across.

Yelling is one of my issues also, I do it more often than I would like so am always trying to come up with other methods of getting 'heard'.

If I feel the urge to yell because I am upset, I try to take deep breaths, get down to the kids level and I tell them the truth: I am having a very hard time not yelling right now, I do not want to yell but I am feeling very frustrated because I feel you are not listening to me. You need to be respectful and listen when I am speaking to you, look in my eyes so I know you are paying attention.

If I feel the urge to yell because the noise level in the immediate area has risen too loud for normal tones, I clap loudly to get everyone's attention.

If I feel the need to yell out because of a safety issue (playing too rough, chasing ball into road w/o looking both ways first, etc), I use my trusty whistle. I love my whistle, not only does it save my voice in times of danger (short whistle), but it also works great saving my voice when it's time to call the kids in from playing outside in the neighborhood (long whistle).
-All the neighborhood kids have learned to listen to/respect the whistle, too, It's kind of cute when I blow it, all the kids who are outside freeze for a second until they realize it wasn't blown at them :)

Wow you have a houseful!!! I imagine half the time it takes yelling to get anyone to hear you!!!:D Well I try to just be really firm with mine, (only two though and one is a baby;) I read this awesome book that talked about just being calm but very firm. Like even if I have to discipline my son (we are ok with a spanking if needed) I just take him by the hand, stay totally calm, give him a swat or two and then talk about what happened and always end it with making sure he understands what he did wrong, hugging him and telling him he is forgiven and moving on. Like if he is in the yard and needs to come in I try to just say, firmly with no smiles etc, that he needs to get him toys and come on in. I have found that if I show any lightheartedness or playfulness when time to come in, clean up etc, he just thinks it is a game. So I just say "alright, time to go in" If the whineys show up, I say "If you continue to whine and not do what I say, you will ________ (whatever discipline appropriate, get a time out etc)" Sometimes I will say "let's race to the door!" he does love that and it will get him the house, but that is about the only thing like that, that works and I am not trying to wrangle multiple kids, so I don't know if it will work down the road with different personalities. Anyway, I do yell sometimes, I know it may not be the best, but it does happen. Sometimes it is the only thing that gets my son's attention, but I try not to. The book I read was by Jame Dobson called Temper you Child's Tantrums. Talks alot about the difference in rebellion and just childishness which is a distinction I think is so very important. Best wishes!!!

The thing about yelling is that eventually they stop "hearing" that, too. And, they learn to communicate that way. Imagine a household where everyone is yelling at each other. Not exactly a haven. As mothers, we have to take the time to get up, walk to our children, make eye contact, speak clearly, and let them know what we require of them. If I have had a child who "doesn't hear" or who "forgets" a lot, I make them repeat my instructions back to me. I have been known to require this from kids from 3-18! It really helps, and they have no excuse left as to why they did not do what was asked. Remember that you are a team. Inspire that idea in your children. And, be sure to consistently follow through with consequences for disobedience or else it will not be worth it to them to hear what you are saying to them.

You can have firmness and authority in your voice without yelling. J.

I do the counting thing. What I mean by this is... Sam it is time to clean up! 1 , 2, and on 3 time out. this works for me but keep in mind I make sure they hear me. I may even shut off any noisy thing and get their attention. they may not hear their name but they start to hear the 123 . Once this routine is the norm they do not question me when I start counting they get moving. Keep constant, and firm about it. I also us charts for rewards they get a star for doing things with out making mommy count. each star works up to something special, time with partent of choice 1 on 1, a cheap toy (gumball machine trinket) etc.

It works for me.

There is an excellent book called "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk." I've read it three times at different stages of my kids' lives and will be reading it again soon for the current stage!! You get different things out of it for different ages. :)

--E.
www.sabirthclasses.com

lol omg my family is the same way. I talk nice and sweet and its like im talking to the pillow! My daughter will literally laugh at me and walk away. It doesnt help that I'm like a foot taller then her and seem to not have the "mommy voice" down. Idk if its normal but oh well if its not. P.S. whispering did not help she thought I was crazy, but I know it does help with a lot of kids.

The only thing I found to help me not lose my mind yelling is to take things away. If my daughter is watching t.v. and ignoring me I'll turn it off. That gets her attention she turns to me right away. She usually starts yelling & asking me to turn it on and eventually she has to stop so she can hear me talk if she wants it back on. If she doesn't I tell her when she stops throwing a fit I'll tell her what she can do to watch t.v. again so she gets quiet and listens because she knows thats when I walk away and theres no getting around it.

maybe give them each a chore list that they have to complete by a certain time, or enforce punishment?? worked for me

I've had this problem at times as well. I know some will think I'm crazy but two things have worked for me in the past: wispering and immediate time out in the corner until they are ready to comply. For some reason the wispering got their attention...kind of like it was such a stark contrast to everything else that was going on. As for the time out, I simply stated that from this moment on anyone who does not comply to a request (after the first time asked) will go in the corner until they choose to follow the direction. It definately took some time (and still does) but it's been working. Like I said, people will probably read this and think I'm crazy but I guess it's has alot to do with the combination of both your and your child(ren's) temperments. Good luck!!!! Ps. I have two children- one turns 5 this month and the other is 2 1/2!

Yelling never works. When you yell, you are modeling that to your kids and kids of yellers often grow up to be yellers, themselves. Yelling never works and it simply is not necessary. My BIL and SIL are yellers and their kids don't listen to ANYTHING they say... because they've been yelled at their entire lives and now that they're teenagers, they are so used to just tuning them out. With your little ones, when you need to get their attention, get down on their level, look them straight in the eye and speak firmly to them. Let them know there will be consequences if they do not listen and do what you ask. Always ask in a nice way. If they don't do as you ask, then you need to have consequences. Consequences ALWAYS speak louder than anything you can say.

Here is an example: your child refuses to eat lunch. Instead of yelling, tell the child, "Sweetheart, lunch will be over in 5 minutes. You can eat now or you can wait until dinner." At the end of five minutes, remove the food. No big "I warned you." Just remove the food - action/consequence. If you feel you must say something, say something like, "I bet you will be ready for dinner. It will be in about six hours."

Parenting with Love and Logic is a great book for this kind of stuff!

HTH!

Move closer to the child, show that you are ready to take action after the first time you ask. Do not repeat yourself or raise your voice. Usually they don't respond, because they think you aren't paying attention. Stay sweet and keep smiling as they do what you want.

Are you using empty threats? Make sure that there are consequences if they don't do what is asked in 1.....2.....3. Like, the toys that they don't pick up, or the clothes that they don't put in the basket get taken away for X amount of time. And DON'T back down, or give in. It sounds like they know that they don't really have to do it when you ask, so they don't.

Something I have found to be extremely effective with my 5 year old son is if he is not listening, I will give him a couple chances to comply. When he does not, I get on his level and look him in the eye. I calmly tell him that I asked him 2 or 3 times and he ignored my request. I then ask him what HE thinks his punishment should be for not listening. He almost always tells me he should go to time out and think about it. I let him go and HE determines how long he needs to think about it. He'll tell me he has thought about it and then we discuss what he needs to do and how he will do it better the next time. This has worked REALLY well for us. He learns there are consequences for his behavior and he is learning to correct his actions himself without me having to feel like the bad guy.

This may sound crazy but with a bunch of kids all talking at the same time it is hard to get a word in. My Mom used a whistle, like the gym teacher's. It made us be quiet for that critical moment when she could start talking. cb

I was actually going to post something like this too! I can't wait to read your suggestions. I try really hard not to yell but always feel that's when they listen. My mom was a yeller, so was my MIL so my husband & I try really hard not to be like that. Thanks for posting.

I don't remember that my yelling ever accomplished anything except
upset me. I broke the habit when someone wrote "open all the windows
in your house and if you yell or speak loudly, the neighbors can hear".
I like to get down on their level, eye contact and some physical contact
like touching their arm if I need their attention. Yelling is a habit and
it seems a little like bullying. It is not what we intend but I think it is hurtful.
The last thing I wanted my child to do is fear me. Lots of luck.

i catch myself doing this all the time. just yesterday when my son ran in the road twice in a row. even after i was YELLING at him not too. (broken leg and could not run after him ). He was fine but had to ride in the stroller after that. After that i remembered my stern voice. its not a yell or even loud. its the same type of voice your boss would use if you were in trouble or getting fired. most of the time bosses dont yell your fired but calmly and sternly explain ... its not working out you need to leave. its really hard to explain this tone with words and not actually hearing it! hope this helped. it really works for my son.

Hi A.,

I just posted the following in response to a question similar to yours. Hope you find at least part of it useful. Best of luck. :-)

A parenting coach suggested that we implement descriptive statements in our "requests" of our daughter (2yo). For some reason or other they really do seem to be working better than asking her or telling (or yelling) her to pick up her toys or to calm dddown (there goes my tic). Example: rather than say "pick up these crayons" it can be changed to "I see some crayons on the floor that are going to be thrown away if they aren't picked up". Example: "there's some really yummy food here at the dinner table", rather than "come to the table and eat your dinner". Example: "Mommy gets upset when the floor is messy", rather than "OK, now I'm mad. Come clean up this mess". The point is to describe what you are seeing/hearing/feeling rather than reacting to it.

It seems really hokey (I'm a practicing cynic) but for some reason the descriptive statements are working with our little girl (yes, even at clean up time). It's hard but if you aren't already, maybe you can try them out and see if even a few work for you. My bald spot is already starting to show signs of regrowth. Maybe you can save a few strands too.

Sorry it sounds so hokey but it really is working more than anything else we've tried.

Yes, I call it strategic deafness....they are too pre-occupied in their own fun and space to be bothered with small chores. And my kids are like me, I think I'll get to later.....

After you have decided on a technique that you are willing and capable of implementing, and there are many great choices below.....I personally used the 1-2-3 Magic approach, have a heart to heart with the 6 yr olds by telling them they are the role models for the younger ones, and big boys, etc....Then explain that you don't like to yell at them for simple chores, so in the future WE are going to listen the first time, and the magic counting will begin.....today.....And you must use it daily with them to keep them on track....You must have some consequences in the beginning too.

For instance, I don't like toys left in my living room, anywhere, anytime...those can be anywhere else in the house...if something was left it went into a box for a week or until I remembered to get it...very hard with their favorite pieces.

I feel the same way. I have fraternal twin girls that are 7 1/2 and I swear it always ends up from me asking nicely to asking more sternly only to resort to yelling. The dog is the same way-always resorts to yelling and here lately I feel very stressed within my environment and dont' know what to do! I even have walked across the room to make sure I had their attention and its always the same thing.....they pull away from me and make this mmmmmm back at me which makes my blood boil over even more because I feel like they are dis-respecting me. I am hoping you get some good responses here-I would love to find the answer to that question myself!

I have a 21 month old and have been working with her on listening...it is a 50/50 shot at this point. I do know that I can get her to look at me by saying "look at mama" or "see what mama's got". Once I have her attention, I have a better chance at her listening and obeying what I say. We are still working on it, but I don't have any other kids around to provide the distractions that you would with the larger family.
I can empathize, though. My family is not the yelling type, but my SO's is. Sometimes, I get headaches because everyone is yelling and trying to be heard at once.
Maybe you could implement some school type helps...like raising your hand to call for attenion of everyone or putting your hand to your ear to indicate that they should stop what they are doing and listen. Where you have older kids, you might be able to get a video that talks about listening...I know NiHao Kailan has one. I bet once you get the older ones to do it, the others will follow suit soon after. Good luck and congrats on your nice family. <3

If your older ones are in school, you should ask what the teachers say to get the students attention. In my son's school they do the counting to three and in his preschool they sang this quick song. Basically, it was like code for "listen to me" or re-focus your attention here.
C.

Ooooh, I am right there with you! I hate it too!! What to do?????

I learned this in substitute teacher training years ago:

"I need you to...."

no yelling, just a slightly louder and firm voice with direct eye contact.

You can start it with the older ones. "I need you to put that back on the shelf."
or
"I need you to put the toys away before we eat lunch."
And you still make eye contact while they give you an answer. Don't use this all the time---use it in place of yelling.

I just wanted to say that I know how you feel! My girls are 7,6,5,3 and I have to yell to get myself heard. I have tried whispering, eye contact, touching....and they just keep going! When hubby gets home he is FURIOUS because of the messes they made and starts screaming at them and they clean up. I cringe...I hate that he speaks so disrespectfully to them, but clearly my mild mannerisms don't get their attention.

I have made a habit of saying to my son, "what did I just say to you?" Then he has to repeat it. He can then chose to do it or get a time out. I have also counted down. I'll say, I need you to pick up your socks in 3, 2, 1 and if he doesn't then he gets a time out. When you feel like you are about to yell because they aren't listening stop yourself, take a deep breath and get down to their level and look him/her in the eye and state your request and the consequence. You can do it!

It's so normal! They hear you. Try rephrasing your request. "Once the crayons and coloring books are put away, we can have dinner and dessert." ....or something motivating. Or, if they have left a mess of toys and you see them looking to pull out another toy, "you can play with that after XYZ has been put away." Lastly, instead of put on your shoes, "I see 2 kids without shoes on." Continue to repeat until they listen and just get in the car without them and wait. It doesn't roll off the tongue naturally; it takes practice. I still slip up constantly and have to put a lot of thought into how I make requests. However, when I put the thought into it, I find myself a lot less frustrated and kids who are much more responsive. Don't feel like you are alone out there! :)

Consequences! You have to make sure you've been heard - which is not easy in your case. You will probably have to physically go over to whoever you are talking to, get down on their level, and look them in the face. But then if instructions are not followed, a consequence must be imposed and upheld. Choose something age appropriate - time out, lost privilege, etc. (e.g., whatever toys left on the floor after 5 minutes are lost for the next day). I highly recommend the Love and Logic books. If there are no consequences, children know they don't have to obey. This is done matter of factly, not punitively. It take more effort than yelling, but it is so effective. Best of luck!