Guidance - I Don't Know What to Do About My Boyfriend...

Try counsleing maybe he needs to understand a little more about girls try good luck A. no hills

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TRY COUNSLEING MAYBE HE NEEDS TO UNDERSTAND A LITTLE MORE ABOUT GIRLS TRY GOOD LUCK A. NO HILLS

Honey- I am so sorry that this guy did not work out, but you need to move on.

I got divorced when my son was 4. His dad is still a part of his life, but I wasn't looking to get involved with anyone again. Then I met a great guy- younger than me, no kids- and he made the decision to get to know my son and take our relationship from a casual dating on the weekends level ( when my son was at his dad's) to all 3 of us getting together. We dated for about 2 1/2 years, then bought a house together. That was about 3 years ago and we are getting married ( his first) in May. My 10 year old son is giving me away at the wedding.

They have a great relationship, but my fiance had to really work HARD to cultivate that. He has dealt with everything and has been absolutely committed.

You and your girls deserve a wonderful man in your lives who will be absolutely committed to you too!! Do not settle for less- there are great guys out there who will love your entire family. I know its always hard after a break-up, especially when you got along so well, but honey, he wasn't the right one for you!

Be strong and remember- you AND your girls deserve a man who wants the entire family package!

I think you did the right thing. The last thing you need is a man who has ambivalence about being a stepfather. It takes a very special kind of man to fill that role. If I were you, I would thank God that he was honest enough to admit his feelings. Having a child "together" is not going to solve anything. Cut off contact and concentrate on your little girls now. They need security and stability more than anything.

ADDED*** As for the calling/texting/missing/holding on. Feeling sad is a normal part of a break up, it doesn't mean it's anything more than an adjustment to being on your own (for both of you). plus, I wouldn't bank on "what ifs". Best of luck to you and your girls!

Dear K.,

Do not hold on, it will only cause you unnecessary pain. He told you the truth up-front and chances are if you did marry this man and had "HIS" child, he would only tolerate your girls and they would always take second place to his biological child. You would be in the middle and in misery.

Find someone who will love the package deal from the GETGO!

Blessings...
PS..block his calls, texts, and email

I would tell him to stop calling and texting you and figure out what he wants. He can't really do that (and you can't do that either) if you're both still in contact with each other. This is a BIG decision -- to become a stepfather to two young girls and they deserve somebody who is as committed to them as he is to their mother. You're a unit now, with your daughters. Every decision you make has to take them into consideration. If you two are truly meant to be, it'll happen but right now doesn't seem like a good time. Give him time and space to figure out what he wants to do and don't try to sugarcoat what the future is going to be like. He needs to know what he is getting into so that he doesnt split and leave ur girls (and u!) hanging. If that's not something he can FULLY commit to, I"m afraid you'll have to move on... best of luck~

Hi Murphy,

What's his issue? You don't really say, other than the "stress of being a step dad". Have you both defined what that means? It IS, in fact, stressful to take on responsibilities of someone else's kid(s). But he can be stressed about any number of things. Some of which can be handled and some of which can't.

Have you sat down and talked about what your expectations of him are? Has he told you what his expectations of HIMSELF are? And what his expectations of YOU are? What role does he play now? And I'm talking about down to the situation expectations. And his expectations HAVE to jive with your expectations.

2 & 4 are tough ages. Unfortunately, so are 3 & 5, 4 & 6, 5 & 7.... well, you get the point. HOWEVER, you and he can define his role as a "step dad" as whatever you want it to be.
It does get a bit tough if you and he decide to have a child if you have decided that his "role" with your girls will be non-traditional. But, it can still be done. They have a dad, who is involved in their life.

I can tell you how I am handling my situation. I have a 9 year old daughter. I have been dating a man for a bit over 2 years who has no children of his own.

What works for us is that I am the Mom and he is “Michael”. We all do things together, but any "Parenting" is all me. He is not a "parental" figure, he is not a "babysitter". If he gives her direction then she is polite and respectful. When he spends the night, if he gets up first they have cereal and watch cartoons until I get up. If I need him to help out, he does.
But I am not with him so he can help raise her. I am not with him so she can have a dad. She is not involved with her dad, but she has one. His role is to be an example of a good, caring person who loves her.
He pretty much does everything with her in the same way that my sister, my brother-in-law or my good friend would help out; because that's what family does and at this point he's equivalent to a 'family member'.
That's how we have defined his role and it works fabulously for us.

We have talked about marriage and I don't expect their relationship would change. I am her mom and I will remain her parent. He will then be the "step dad" but definitely will not take on "parental" roles, other than the role that he plays as a 'family member'.

You and he do need to get on the same page and he can't come in and out of your lives. He will need to figure out what he wants and it may not be the responsibility of kids. Good that you find that out now. But at the very least figure out *what* his problem is - it may be simpler than you think.

I also think that he's a guy. Not to be stereotypical, but he freaked out right after you had a big talk about marriage. MOST guys freak out when you talk about relationships and commitment. Cuz, they're... well.... guys. Read ANY book of typical male behavior. And for most guys it's only the commitment to one woman for the rest of their lives that sends them into a frenzy of juvenile behavior. For a single mom, that commitment is MUCH bigger. So, it's good that he recognizes that. Now it's time for him to sh** or get off the pot, as they say!

Good luck!

Before I was married and had a baby of my own, I dated a guy who had shared custody of his daughter. We dated for 1.5 yrs and lived together for about half that time. I knew that it was a package deal when we started dating.The connection he and I had was strong from the beginning and I was sure that I could at least try to make it work for all three of us. I genuinely believed that I needed to take a risk for love and happiness. Unfortunately, everyone ended up hurt in the end. There are so many ways to make a family and thank goodness for that. It CAN work and often does. It takes a certain kind of person to parent a child that is not there own and commit entirely to make a family and a home with what they are given. And after some time I realized it was not me, not at that point in my life. I was never sure if I wanted my own kids and I thought I had time to decide that. But dating him said to myself and to everyone involved that I did. When I broke it off, he kept saying I would come around, that I was just scared but it became very clear to me that he and I weren't meant for each other and that I was not ready for everything that being with him and his daughter came with. For the sake of everyone involved, you should try to get some distance from him. If him missing you is really his desire to commit to your family, then it will happen. His doubt in the future of your relationship doesn't change his feelings for you/your child. But he needs the space and time to find clearity without the mix of emotions and you and your child need to focus on each other without being pulled in and pushed away by his emotions. Try suggesting that you will not talk for awhile and then see where you both are.

Some men cannot love children that are not their own. They feel resentment providing for them even in the slightest degree. They are emotionally inhibited from being able to bond and attach to them.

Let this one go. You and your girls deserve better, someone with a bigger heart and more mature perspective.

Are you asking us to recommend choosing between your children and your boyfriend? You are the world to your children. Anyone who has a problem with that should be history. Does your boyfriend expect you should hand your girls over to their Dad and you will not be a part of their life? This boyfriend is bad news. Just dump him. You won't be sorry.

If he already has reservations and doesn't seem to like being around your daughters, I would have to say let him go. He may end up not treating your daughters as he would his own children. He may not ever come around, and then you will have irrevocably hurt your daughters. You have been given a glimpse into the future...never choose a man over your own children.

Just tell your BF not to keep contact with you, for now. He needs to do some soul searching as well as simply making himself a pros and cons list of joining a family. I applaud him for being honest and unsure but he needs to figure out his prioritites. You can't hold on "just incase". You have two girls who will keep you busy and thankfully you have their father in the picture for them. Maybe you can leave the girls with dad for the wknd and on your own do your own list of what makes this guy the one you want. As he has already been in your life a year he's already had a opportunity to see what it would be like with your kids and it spooked him. Since you are a package deal you have to be very careful if he decides to come back that might just mean he misses YOU very much and still not ready for your girls. I know you are hurt and miss him as well but don't let those emotions get in the way when you know in order to love you he has to be committed to your kids. Last thing you want a year from now is him telling you again, sorry can't do it. Because 3 hearts will be broken. Good luck.

Can't love my daughter, can't be part of my life.

I would give him some time. I know you have alot of other responses that say it should happen from the get go and it should be easy, but I have been on both sides. I have been single with kids and now I am re-married and a step mom. I thought it would be a really easy transition especially since I have my own kids. But, I have to admit that being a step mom was a struggle for me at first(and I NEVER thought it would be)...well for awhile not just at first if I am being honest. I love my stepson but it took some getting used to. I didn't think I felt the way I should at the beginning and then I felt guilty. I started to worry about my marriage and whether I had made a mistake. I was afraid to talk to my husband about it especially since step parenting seemed SO easy for him, but eventually I did and we talked it through and it worked out. All I am saying is he may just need some time to work through his fears and his feelings. It may seem overwhelming. Obviously if he can't get passed it then you should move on.

Just tell him to not contact you for x amount of time so that you can both think. Tell him he needs to figure out what he wants and if that's you then he wants the girls too. If not, then you may need to part ways and find somebody who does.

Why would you not want someone who 100% loves your daughters and is there for them 100%. If after a year he doesn't have natural loving feelings for your girls do you think he ever will. He will most likely treat the children you have with him different them your 2 and that will cause problems in the relationship and hurt your daughters because he will never treat them as his own. Or is this a sign that he is afraid of responsibility and may freak out after you have a child with him and skip out on you. Your girls are blessd to have you as a mom that you are a packaged deal and that you put them first. Best of luck.

I wouldn't completely give up on him yet, sounds like he is just getting scared as you guys have been together for awhile so he realizes that he would become a stepdad should you marry. I would remind him that you and your children are a package deal, take it or leave it. I'm not sure if he thinks they can go live with their dad so he can have you all to himself but definately make sure he's not thinking in that direction. What's going to happen when he and you do have a child, is he going to get scared then too?

K.,
My advice to you would be to let time just go by and see what ends up really happening, but Toni does have a point if ya'll do end up together and having a baby of ya'lls own things are going to get a little ruff and your only going to be hurting yourself and your children. Look Im kinda going throught the samething my boyfriends future husband are both in love with each other but we can't be together because of some stupid court law, But I really love him and I know he does to so Im going to hold on till the very end, but for now my little boy is going to be without a dad which is very sad. If you think that your going to be okay with your ex-boyfriend then do what you have to do, but just think about your kids too. Like you said ya'll are a full package. I understand what your going through , but be strong don't let this haunt you just be careful on your decisions okay.

p/s...about his calls and txts talk to him and let him know what you think its always better for you to let you partner know how you are feelings and your opinions and if he doesn't want to corraporate then K. i don't think ya'll are meant for each other
Please take my advice and I hope it's helped not only you but other mother's that find themselfs in the same situation as you.

Hi Murphy,

Yeah, this guy just doesn't sound like he's daddy material. If is "afraid" of your girls, how is a new baby going to affect him!? I say move on. It's a beautiful world out there and if you want to, you will find the man you're looking for who will love you and your children as his own. Never settle, sweetie pie .. NEVER settle! You and you kids are worth WAY more than that!

I speak from experience :) The happy ending? Totally possible!
good luck
W.

I Think you should just focus on your girls. Besides in the times we are in now, it is never a good idea to being a man in around your children especially daughters. i follow Nancy Grace's news and I can't tell you how many children have been murdered or and abused by a mothers boyfriend, and or step fathers. it's just not safe anymore. I wish you well. Connie

I would let him go. Your kids come first.

Sounds like you already know what you are supposed to do. He should love those kids because they are apart of you. Period. Stop talking to him. Your just leading him on. He would have to do some serious spending time with the kids and making an effort to get back into my life!!!!!
Good luck!

It sounds like he may not be mature enough to handle being a dad. You should not have someone in your life, in your home that is not willing to be there 100% without reservations for your kids. While the heartache is really tough on you right now (understandably), the pain that your kids could go through in the future when he decides to leave again would be worse. Be strong for your kids and yourself and move on.

Hey K.,
I would suggest that you be cordial to him if he decides to come around, but I also wouldn't just sit around and wait for him either. Keep your options open, go out on dates with other guys, and don't be too available. If he is serious, he will pursue you regardless.
However, if after having known you (and your daughter's) for this long I am wondering why you would want to press forward with him. If he isn't in love with both you and your children at this point, I kind of doubt that this will change. Wouldn't you want your children to have someone to father them that is excited to be a part of their lives? Just a thought...

Hello Murphy,
Perhaps he isn't too aware of the fun your little girls can be. I would suggest that if he wants to see you and be in contact with you, it will be at the park playing with the kids, or any other family gathering. Maybe he needs to be eased into the "family".
Good luck,
Wendy

It seems like you have the answer right in front of you (however difficult it may be)...YOU ARE A PACKAGE DEAL!

It's upsetting to know that there are people not able to open up their heart completely, but you don't want that to become part of your daughters' issues. You don't want them to feel even the slightest bit of resentment or rejection from him should you continue the relationship. Or, somewhat worse in my opinion, treat any biological child - you may have in the future - better.

If the signs are there now, I would take it as a major red flag, especially after one year.

I'm very sorry this is the decision you have to make. I am being rather blunt with a stranger, but I know my closest friends and fam would not give me the straight truth and I would want to hear it from someone. :)

Good luck in whatever decision you make.

I don't know anyone who can be afraid of children. So it seems that he is afraid of responsibility. This may not bode well later in your relationship, commitment issues, responsibility, it all just seems too much. If this is overwhelming to him, then he is definitely not ready. He may say he is and misses you, but he is still afraid of the commitment. I would let him go then.

You answered your own question dear. "I am defeinitely NOT chosing b etween him and my daughters, I told him we were a package deal" Never, never,never will he be "ready" to settle down with you and have a child of his own if he can't accept yours. You're a package deal. He can't accept your daughters, it WON'T work.

I say cut him off. let him miss you. He needs to be alone with this for a while. It does not sound like he's a very nurturing guy, so why make more babies with him?

Please just walk away. Ask him to stop contacting you and let it go. If you have been dating for a year now and he is not sure about your children, it's just not meant to be. A man must be in love with you AND your children if it's going to work out. Otherwise you are choosing him over your daughters. Please don't let that happen. It will always hang over your relationship. When you argue or the girls misbehave or there is any sort of difficulty in your life/marriage it will come back to be a key issue.
What if you have a child with him and that child, his own child, is the "golden one"? That would be very difficult for your daughters and potentially devastating to your relationship with them. Please consider that your "package deal" needs to be fully loved and accepted as a whole.

You have the right attitude. If he comes back, great, if not, you live your life.