Grandparents - Minneapolis,MN

My mom's philosophy is she raised five children and never got to have her "nice" things out all those years so now its her time to have her house just the way she wants.

Personally, I think that you are 'spoiled' by the fact your mom is who your mom is. Don't get me wrong, bc I am insanely jealous! :)

My mother never baby proofed anything. Her house is full of expensive knick knacks and easily broken things. She also is a chain smoker who smokes in her house.

So, bc of that situation, 1. We dont spend a lot of time there, and 2. I bought two inexpensive baby gates to leave there, and I bought various
toys at consignment to leave there.

So as far as the baby proofing and the toys...I think that it is your responsibility to take care of. But then again, i feel that way based on how I was raised. Just like you feel that way bc of how you were raised.

The dinner time thing....that is tough. I get stuck at my inlaws later than i prefer too...only difference is it isn't EVERY Sunday. If it was a once a month thing, id say the kids would be okay getting to bed later....but every Sunday is too much.

You prob cant change their pattern, so it looks like the only thing you can do to control the situation is to change yours. What time do your kids normally eat dinner? Maybe you should bring some for them to eat when they normally do. And then go for a visit, but leave when dinner is served. Plan for you and hubby to eat something when you get home.

?? I dunno, its a tough one.

Hi S.,
When you go over and see marbles down low or whatever, just move them. Don't make a deal about it (not that you do now). Go with the flow. And, I find it a little amusing that you think it difficult (not sure what else to call it, but that doesn't seem quite like the right word) that they basically communicate "this is the way they do things and we aren't going to change" and yet that is exactly what you are communicating to them. :) No, I don't think they should have to change for your family dynamics. Perhaps you could be more flexible. We learned years ago that the world doesn't revolve around our schedule. We have become much more fluid in our schedule because we want to live and enjoy life. We don't want to be ruled by the clock. We do try to have the kids to bed by a certain time, but if it doesn't happen because we are living and building relationships, then we adjust. Your children are very young still. This phase will come to an end. Also, we are home all day, no daycare or work outside of the home for me, so we have the freedom to have more flexibility. I get that. But, if you want to build relationships, sometimes we have to give up our personal preferences for a time and accomodate others.

It sounds like the two grandparents are simply at opposite ends of the awareness spectrum. Your mom is exceptional, and so is your MIL.

I don't think there's too much you can do about your MIL's obliviousness other than to ask her for what you need. If she'll listen (she may not), explain why you need it. But don't count on much changing. People are creatures of habit, and habit is usually based on personal preferences. Sounds like your MIL doesn't care to have her preferences shaken.

You could decline the traditional dinner. Politely explain that it just isn't working for the children, and you hope you can resume when they are older. Let your MIL know you'd love to find other ways to include her in your children's lives, and perhaps she won't be too indignant about your decision. But you have a right and and obligation to put your children's needs first.

By the way, I am a grandma, and a MIL, in my 60's. I am probably a lot more like your mother. But I know plenty of women in my age group whose attitudes are set in stone and who don't really care that much about children. I suspect it's fighting reality to expect them to change, and that's a fight reality will win. Every time.

I think you might be expecting too much. I don't think babyproofing is their responsibility. You can't expect everyone you visit to make special accomodations in their home just becuase you are going to spend a couple of hours there. It's great that your mom babyproofs, but like you said, that is her job. If your kids need toys, etc. for the visit, I think you should be the one to bring them...and what ever else the kids might need. You could bring some over to leave at Grandma's but then again I don't know how much room they have, or how they feel about clutter. They really shouldn't have to find a place to store a bunch of stuff all the time either. If they want to, fine, but I wouldn't say the responsibility lies with the grandparents.

It seems as though their set in their ways and refuse to bend for anyone. I think that if your at their home and happen to see something like a candle burning, you can either move it so the kids can't reach it, or blow it out. I don't see that as being a problem. Maybe you guys can go over a little earlier than 4pm, so that you can be home in time for the kids to go to bed. 630 is kind of early, but that's the way you do things and I'm not judging you at all. I don't know if its me, but it seems that the maternal grandparents always seem to be closer to the kids than the paternal grandparents. Maybe you can have your husband speak with his parents and have him express his concerns.

I feel your pain! My son is the only little kid in the family and everyone - from grandparents who have forgotten what it's like to aunts and uncles who don't have kids yet act like like this. Fortunately they all live on the other side of the country so we don't see them as often.
If I were you i'd cut back to once a month until the kids get older. You could either become really busy or just explain to your MIL that these dinners are really tough on you and the kids right now. Depends how confrontational you want to be.

Go for a visit, and not dinner. Tell them while you appreciate the offer of dinner, your kids function best on a schedule so you will still come over and visit but you will be leaving at 615 w/out eating.

My kiddo is an early sleeper to because I have to get her up at 540am so I understand. Be polite. Be gracious. But also be straight. You will be leaving at this time. And then leave. They will either start serving dinner earlier or will continue on as they have done.

As for the house not being baby proofed. You have two kids. Each parent can take a kid and supervise. :) and bring your own baby gate.

I never baby proofed our house. We have corners, outlets, glass tables, vases and other breakables. One of us was always with DS until he was very verbal and old enough to understand dangers and not touching without asking. Neither of our in laws baby proofed for us either and I have no problem with that. I do think it is an imposition to ask people to change their homes. That said, if the kids can't wait until 6 pm to eat, you may need to leave before dinner or provide your kids with snacks before then so they are not hungry. 6 pm does seem like a reasonable compromise time for a meal. DH's family generally eats around 8 pm and when we visit (they are about 9 hours from us) we generally eat at about 6:30-7:00. Since it will be summer soon, maybe the boys can just sleep in a little longer Monday mornings.

Three of my daughter's grandparents were deceased before she was born, and my father lives far enough away that we visit only occasionally. I would let go of the details and let your children be around family. On the other hand, once a week is a lot. If you visited less often, it may not seem so much of a trial. Bring a few toys, or even leave them there in a basket or box. Bring the kids' dinner or snacks and feed them when they're hungry. Let bedtime slide a little. Bring their pajamas and get them ready for bed at MIL's house.

They don't have to change to fit your schedule and routine. But you can do things to make the visits work for you.

Your expectations are a little high, but they also are not going to change. They are close to the same age as my own parents, and frankly, that generation didn't babyproof the way people do today. Just like their kids didn't ride in carseats, or heck, maybe not even wore seat belts!
That generation smoked and had ashtrays sitting around all the time...right on the coffee table without a thought to little ones. Generally speaking.

So, some of it is generational, and some of it is being uninformed (I'm sure they are clueless what baby-proofing probably even means in terms of a daycare type setting), and some of it is just attitude (it's our house, and our rules, and it was good enough for our kids and so for yours too, etc).
The baby gate...ehh.. we never had one in our house. My mom didn't have one in her house when we visited either (and she had stairs). No big deal. I was just vigilant when we visited. She also had TONS of potted plants sitting everywhere.... broken plants and dumped dirt would happen if we weren't careful. And some plants can be poisonous... so had to watch that too. Some of what has to be done, is just you and hubby need to be vigilant. But the marbles and the candles, those you should just pick them up and move them some place safe ("do you mind, dear MIL, if I set this on the kitchen counter until we leave? I don't want __ to burn himself/choke on one.").
As for toys, my parents had a few small things, but mostly it was put up and I had to bring whatever I wanted them to have. Even now (my kids are 12 and 9 years) everything is put up and there is nothing for my kids to do that they don't get scolded for "messing with" something that isn't for kids. Even the "game closet" where all the old board games we had as children are stored...they aren't allowed to go find a game to play. But they also get talked about for sitting in front of the TV so much when we visit. Go figure.

Take what your little ones eat, and feed them when they need to eat. If they are fussy during dinner, let them down and give them a toy (brought from home) to keep them occupied. Or bring their pack n play and put them to bed in it and hang out longer.
If it were me, I would do the above, but also start only going alternate weeks. Every week seems rather "high maintenance" to me.

Have YOU purchased a gate and left it at their house to use??? If not, do it. That way they don't have to pay for it. (Perhaps that is the issue???)

As for the family dinners. I would just go even earlier to visit (like 2 or 3) and leave by 5 or 5:30. Go home and feed your family and get the kids down by their bed time. If bed time was a huge issue for my family, that's what I would do.

PS> When you first arrive, I would just go around and shut doors, move bottles, blow out candles, etc. If they make a big fit about it, I would discontinue visits or make them short and keep the kids right by me. SAFETY FIRST!

Well, I see both sides here. I both agree with some of your points and think that maybe you are expecting a bit too much. It would be nice if they could be more courteous to your schedule, at least once in a while and it would be nice if they had some toys over at their house, but honestly, I don't think it's that weird, kinda sucky for you maybe, but not that weird.

I would start by buying or collecting a basket full of toys that you can leave at their house. Take an extra crate or laundry basket, fill it up and store it in their basement for when you come over. This way there is less schelping on your part. I would also start bringing food for your kids or putting them in their chairs a little early and begin feeding them. I wouldn't give them a ton or put them in too early b/c then it will backfire and they'll be completely ready to get out and play when everyone else is just sitting down, so it's certainly a fine line.

As far as babyproofing and gates, I don't think you can really ask them to do that. It would be nice, but honestly, it's their house and no one in our family has gates that they would put up for our kids (of course we don't use gates in our home at all but that's a whole other story) so I think you're a bit "spoiled" by the fact that your mom runs and in home day care and is used to keeping up with this sort of thing.

I get that you're frustrated and I think you have reason to be, it sucks to be the one who is constantly trying to conform to other's wants/needs but if you want to have a relationship with them and you want your kids to have a relationship with them it sounds like this is the only way.

She just needs a break... from whatever. Maybe even life.
She is with kids all day everyday.
Oh sorry, you are talking about your In-Laws.

Well, They are human.

Or they sound burnt out.
And, they have their life... which they seem to hang onto.
Maybe they just don't want to get sucked into..... all of that.
And it is their house.

They do not 'have to' do all those things.

To me they are telling you that they want you to come and they go out of their way to include your family. I could never put my kids down that early, they would be up at 4 or 5 am every day. I guess if it works for you then that's all that matters.

You may just have to make a way for the boy to go down in a spare bedroom (in jammies) and then carry him in when you get home.

I really think the issue will resolve itself by your kids getting older and not sleeping that early.

My in-laws do not baby proof anything. It would have meant a lot to me if they would have just spent $2 to put a few outlet covers up...but I cannot force them. Money isn't the issue for them. So, when we are at their house thankfully not as often as you, I am constantly running to keep my kids safe. I do move some of their stuff to ensure that it does not get broken. I would say that you should cut back to only once or twice a month. I would also say that the days that you do go, then leave earlier. Nothing is worse than starting the week with crankly children that did not get enough sleep. If they don't like it, then too bad. My in-laws are in their 60s and they have a different concept of time than we do. They think nothing of being an hour or two late for something. Everything is fly by the seat of your pants planning. It drives me absolutely CRAZY!

I really don't think it's too much to ask for you to request an earlier meal time. But if they don't want to accommodate you, I'd suggest bringing your own food for the little ones to eat earlier. Make it as easy as you can for them to baby-proof. Bring your own gate, bring some toys to leave there, close the basement door yourself, move the candles. As for the alcohol and marble jars, I bet "letting" one of the kids spill one or more of those will teach them to move them up in a big hurry.

I also agree with the other suggestion of perhaps reducing the frequency of visits or at least keeping your youngest one home with you once in a while. Your in-laws don't change, because they don't have to change. You are irritated by their actions, but you aren't giving them any consequences for their inconsideration.

Given all that, it's probably just as well that your MIL doesn't offer to watch your boys for you. They clearly aren't "kid people."

I think you should reconsider having them over at your house again. You say your house is too small, but I bet there is plenty of space. People seem to think that they need a huge house to entertain, and that simply is not the case. My friend wanted to have a New Year's Eve party for a few families, but she said her house wasn't big enough - that was B.S!!! Her house is huge, over 4,000 sq. feet!! I don't know what she was smoking! My point is this - even if your house is 1,500 sq. feet, there is still plenty of room for 2 extra people (is that all we are talking about - 2 extra people, your inlaws?) All you need to do is put 2 extra chairs at your table. This can even be accomplished in a small apartment. Again, you don't need a big house to entertain! Regarding your inlaws always runningn late - have your husband (not you, but your husband) tell his parents that they must arrive at your house at 4:30 (or whatever time you choose), and that they must leave by 6:30 (or maybe 7:00 so they can give your son a kiss goodnight, and maybe even read him a book). So that is your solution! Also, you won't have to worry about your inlaws un-babyproofed house.

I think you need to stop comparing. I used to do this but then I slowly learned to appreciate the good things about my in-laws and not compare them to my parents. They are just different people and do things differently and this is perfectly ok! Once your children get older the later dinner time or staying out later will not be a problem at all. Right now you should try to relax about it and just accept that things are different at their house. It's OK!!!

Not everyone believes in baby proofing their homes, so maybe she doesn't. They are older and set in their ways and it seems their door is open, however you know what to expect. Perhaps you could arrive an hour earlier to help get dinner prepared sooner.

I don' t think you are expecting too much but agree you are nevertheless unlikely to get it! Everyone grandparents differently for sure. They obviously don' t have their grandchildren as a priority, and that's their prerogative. I don't think anything you do will change that.

If you enjoy the family gathering on Sundays than keep going, of it's too much for you cut it back to once or twice a month until the kids are older and their routines change. I totally understand why you need to leave by 6:30 to get the kids home and ready for bed.

My Mom (mid-60s) takes a train 12 hrs each way to come stay with me every other week to watch my little one - my MIL lives 45 minutes away and has't been up to see her since January. It's just different priorities - my MIL (late 70s) has her own stuff to do and has trouble fitting in a trip to see her granddaughter. And since my husband & both work more than full time we don' t have that much time to get down there. it's just the way it is.

Good luck!

I think that it is a hard situation, but at least you have your family that gets it right! We have to bring all of the food that we have already prepared to my MIL's, pick up my SIL along the way & pretty much have my 7 & 13 yr old girls clean off & set the table at my mil's before we can sit down to eat any meals, serve it then clean up! And if it's a gathering at our house, sometimes' that can be a bit difficult b/c it's a 1 1/2 hr ride (round trip) by the time we get everyone & then to have to bring them home later on - not that I don't want them at family things, but if something runs til 10 or so it's kind of hard, but you do what you have to! I used to hate going to my mil's w/out my husband b/c they thought nothing of smoking around my daughters when they were babies. Wouldn't dare do it around my husband, but me - who cares! As far as my parents, we had family day at our house all the time and my mom fussed beyond belief, unfortunately my mom died 3 weeks before my first daughter was born so we missed out on that tradition. So people, I don't think are trying to be rude, I just don't think they realize how others are so organized. It's not that they intentionally don't care, it's just that they don't care to be bothered. I would just treasure what you have with your parents and be thankful for all that your parents choose to take part in. Those who don't will be the one's to realize it someday when the children get older and don't have such a closeness to them, they'll see it.

...

I do not believe you are expecting too much - BUT - you aren't going to get what you expect. Sometimes we have to accept that people are giving as much as they have to give, even if it seems (to us) like they aren't even trying. To me, they sounds selfish, but at least they don't sound crazy.

Since it's an extended family dinner, suggesting you host probably won't work (though you could try:). I also suggest you keep doing whatever you have to do to keep your kids safe for the few hours/week you spend at their house....and and remember, you only have a few more years of total vigilence....

Good luck!