Am I Wrong Here?? Please Tell Me What You Would Do

I think you are doing the right thing. I wouldn't leave my child there either. It sounds like it might be a jealous thing as you mentioned. I would be gracious, thank her for the offer, but not take her up on it. It's not worth it. Now, when you son is older, you could leave him there. Perhaps you can tell her that: when he is x years old, I'll be more comfortable with it.

no the safety of your family (children) comes first before a bruised ego, no matter who's ego it is.

you are not wrong. My grandmother has a dog that scratches, and she puts her in her "room" (the utility room with a doggy door) whenever we come over. My MIL never babyproofed but she has watched her on numerous occasions and never had an issue. I dont know where she gets her energy, but she just follows her around like a hawk all day.

I would tell your mother that if she wants to watch the baby very closely, baby proofing may not be necessary, but the cat being put away is non-negotiable.

Well, as far as the cat goes, ask them to put the cat outside when you get to their house. Problem solved. With the gate, buy them a new one that YOU like and trust. Problem solved. Childproofing....why doesn't your husband bring along some baby proofing stuff and put them in himself? Problem solved.
It seems like you are having a hard time communicating with them. Your mom can't read your mind. You have to ASK for what you want and express your concerns in an adult, non-confrontational manner. I understand your concerns. You aren't crazy to want what is best for your son. But think about it this way....your mom raised you. (Unless there is more to the story). You are ok. Your mom wants your child to be safe. Honestly, we did the bare minimum of "baby proofing" at our house. Our kids are fine.

Edited after response:
Well, thanks for clarifying. I guess you just can stop going over there. Don't let this be YOUR problem. If she wants to make the effort, then she will.

You're not wrong and honestly here, if your M. is not petty she will get over it. At a later time you can ask her to watch the kids at your home. She is just a bit offended right now. Give it some time and pretend what she said didn't bother you and continue doing what you think is right for your son. Don't make it an issue.

I understand where you are coming from. I can see your concern for his saftey with the cats. Maybe you can ask that they are confined to a room when your son is there without you. As for the stairs, perhaps you could purchase the gate that fits them properly. Just let your Mom know that you would be more comfortable with this gate instead of the one she has. It's tough dealing with our parents on parenting issues, because after all, they did raise us so they feel like they have the upper hand. You could always play the card that you are a first time Mom, and maybe you're over protective, but you would feel most comfortable if........ and see how it goes. That usually works for me : )

Well, she refuses to put the cats away and refuses a (paid for) properly fitting gate. I think that's your answer. She has no reason to be in a snit if she won't do those two, simple (free) things.
Just let your MIL watch him when you need a sitter.
She sounds passive-aggressive or narcissistic to me. There's a problem, and simple solutions, yet she refuses the solutions for no good reason. I hardly think that putting a baby gate at the top of your stairs = altering your home.
I know this is your mother we're talking about, but, seriously, she sounds very unreasonable to me.

Your mom is correct you can't control what other people do at their own homes. BUT you can completely control the fact that your son won't be staying at her house if she isn't going to insure a safe environment. Have you considered a compromise such as having her watch your son at your house where you know he will be in a safe environment??

You aren't doing anything wrong. I'm sure you've done this, but calmly express to your mom why she may not babysit her grandson in her home (cat attacks, rickety gate, etc.). Let her know that when these issues are addressed (new gate, solemn promise that the cat will remain outside or locked away for your son's visit), then she's welcome to babysit your son in her home. In the meantime, she may spend all the time she wants with him at your home or at a neutral spot.

If she doesn't agree to any or all of the above, you'll know the issue is not about her seeing your son, but about her selfishness. If she drives competently, driving 35 minutes to see her grandson should not be that big a deal. Frankly, it's her loss if she doesn't make the effort. You have every right to protect your child, even if it's from your mom.

BTW, is your mom a competent driver? If so, then why is it ok for YOU to drive to her place, but she can't do the same? I'd love to hear her response to that one.

Hang tough, sister. Stand your ground on safety and stay out of the grandma "one up" wars. My mom has been battling this with my mother in law since I had babies. The sad part is she's the only one fighting this. My mother in law doesn't engage and I stay out of it. It's hard to fight by yourself.

Good luck.

I didn't even read the other responses.....your "so what happened" addition says it all!

I APPLAUD your take on the situation. This is your child & SHAME on your mom for placing such obstacles in the path of happiness. There are serious safety issues in her home, & you do not have to abide by her wishes....simply because she is your mom. & that's what's happening: she is trying to control you & your child - to the extent that she is willing to place a child in harm's way to prove that life has to go "her way".

Stand firm, don't feel guilty! You've offered to let her visit/babysit in your home.....& that's the best you can do at this point. It's a shame she feels such a need to be in control & that she feels jealousy/competition with your MIL. BUT that's her problem & it doesn't have to be everybody else's! I truly wish you Peace....

I don't think you did anything wrong. Your baby's safety is your priority! Cat scratches can be really bad---they can lead to cat scratch fever and major infection (I worked at an animal clinic for 10 years).

If she won't keep the cat out and baby proof her house then she has no business wanting to keep your child. My MIL wants to watch our son but their house is nowhere near being baby proofed (she even has outlets with no covers)and we have to keep a close eye on him when we are there. We don't let her watch our son.

I think your MIL sounds like the more responible grandparent. I would never leave my child in the hands of someone that doesnt have good judgment. Her husband has a cat that attacked your son..that right there is reason enough for her not to watch your son at her house. Could she possibly watch your son at your house.
Don't add fuel to the fire if your mother is jealous of your MIL. Don't give her extra info so she is annoyed at you or your MIL.
You are doing nothing wrong. Its hard saying no to a parent. You have to think of your child who is completely dependent on you.

You are not doing anything wrong. You have to look out for the safety of your child. Your Mom's unwillingness to baby proof her home speaks way louder than any jealousy motivated offers to baby sit. Cats can be jealous and possessive, too. They are not use to children and they see it as guarding their turf. (And a lot of little kids think of animals as stuffed toys and don't realize that pulling ears, tails and fur hurts.) Just keep doing what you are doing. In a few years your child won't need quite so much baby proofing and then a few hours at your Mom's house every now and then might be safer than it is right now.

No, I think you are right. You have tried to be as kind as possible, but you are doing a Mom's #1 job.......protecting your children. I'm sorry your Mom doesn't understand and I hope she will get over it, but I would do as you are doing.

And, after reading your added post, absolutely stick to your guns. Your Mom is not willing to compromise. By offering for your Mom to come babysit at your house you ARE trying to compromise. Love your Mom while knowing it sounds unlikely you will please her.

No you weren't wrong. Your son's safety should come first and as long as you tried your part by offering to buy her the gate, etc., there's not much else you can do. Just don't get defensive and be extra nice to Mom saying you appreciate it but you're concerned for your son's safety b/c he gets into everything. Maybe remind her of how she probably was when you were your son's age. Hopefully she'll remember and understand.

Sounds like your mother has made her choice: She doesn't really want to watch her grandson. You MUST stand your ground. If it comes up again, tell her how it has to be for you to leave your son at her home. Regarding the cat... I have a crazy cat who will hit and attempt to bite just about anyone, but if you stay away from her, she will not bother you. She whacks me all the time, but she's been declawed. If I had a predatory cat--with claws--that cat would have been put to sleep long ago.

I would buy your mom a new gate. Explain to her that the one she has makes you uncomfortable but you do not feel like she should have to shell out the money for one. Offer to take hers back for her. About the cats, I would not let my children there alone either. I mean, it attacked your son while he WAS being watched/held. It would not be on purpose, but it would RUIN your relationship with your mother and her husband. Explain to her that she can watch your son at your house anytime she wants. Or if you are comfortable knowing she'll promise to keep the cats in the basement, outside or locked in a room, offer to let her watch your son.

You're not doing anything wrong. Let her be and have some time to cool down for awhile on the whole issue. I would be worried to leave my child there too. I don't know if the cat or gate issue is worth fighting about, she isn't willing to alter the environment in her home, so you should make sure you and/or your husband stays there when you bring your child to visit. If she doesn't ask again to keep your child at her house, I wouldn't bring it up again. You don't have to talk about the times he stays with your MIL. I would try again, offering to have your Mom in babysit in your own home. 35 minutes isn't that far to drive for most people, but for some older people or people who don't like driving, it is. (My MIL doesn't like driving to our house because we're in the city, and she's more comfortable staying the the suburbs). I would see if she is willing to come over to your house to babysit for an afternoon or evening, and offer to pick her up/drive her home. It might not be the most convenient, but at least your Mom gets to have that bonding time with your son, and you don't have to worry about his safety.

I don't know what her problem is with a gate, if the stairway is open? The only safe gate is one that is attached to the wall & swings open (for an open stairwell). As far as the cats go, it may be that you just don't know when one may make it in the door without somebody noticing. Cats are slick like that & if that happened & you came home & your son was scratched, you would be like..YOU PROMISED! So maybe she's just not making a promise she can't keep...don't know...just trying to look at it from another point. Also, in this day & age we believe we can protect our kids from anything and everything, as parents, yes we HAVE to try to, but we have gone waaay too far. In your mom's day & age (I don't know how old she is)you lived & let live & guess what you survived. I don't know what your mom & yours relationship was prior to the baby, but I'm thinking there may be other underlying issues here & it's just coming out with control over the baby. Remember, not very house you go to is going to be childproof.

I dont want to sound harsh but too bad for her. he is your son and you need to protect him, really you do. okay not that he is in total danger there but if you feel uncomfortable then that is your right. I told my MIL that she can babysit my DD at my house and she also refused so that is that. we dont get breaks, we dont get sitters, but my DD is safe (she is not unsafe at my MIL just like you moms but you know what I mean). and yes you cant control what other people do at their own house, that is why you want her at yours....that is the point. he is your DS and you can decide how he will be watched/raised. you can nicely thank her and say I would love you to watch my DS at my house anytime, take it or leave it.

Having owned a cat (whom I loved and had for 19 years) who got "senile" and had a tendency to be, shall we say, "randomly unfriendly," I always tried to balance my responsibility to my pets (whom I love like children) and the humans in my life. I did warn people about kitty's tendency, and when people came to our house, he stayed in the basement if needed.... He died before my son was born so I never had to deal with the possibility of him hurting my son, which I'm thankful for, since that might have meant him finding a new home...

The only thing is sounds like you're doing "wrong" is not letting your MIL take control and tell you what is and is not okay for your son. Based on the description and your comments, it really sounds like she is the one that needs to be in control, and that just shouldn't happen when it comes to your little one. :) So stick your guns.

That being said, I'd say that if watching your son comes again, you should just say that while you appreciate that yours sons welfare comes before the cat's comfort, and while you appreciate the offer to watch your son, if the house is not going to be baby-proofed and (and that does include pets), you'll continue to welcome them to spend time with their grandson at your house, or at family events or outings. And reiterate that they are welcome to visit any time.

Unfortunately, I don't think there is any way to make her happy on this. So I would just suggest saying (and repeating as necessary) that youre happy to have them visit you at your house. And continue to take the high road--always be pleasant and kind and friendly toward them (but firm about the care of your son), even when you think she's being petty and controlling. Good luck!

I totally applaud you for putting your baby first! You are definitely not doing anything wrong!

She is making a big issue about wanting to babysit but will not drive 35 min to your house? That is not long to drive to babysit her grandchild in a safe environment. Maybe you can even offer to pay for her gas?

Stand your ground Mom and don't let her make you feel like you're in the wrong! You're doing what is right for your baby!

What a tough issue! I don't think I would feel bad about not letting your mom watch your son, at least at this time. I'm sure your husband probably doesn't want them to watch him and it will just cause stress in your home if you let her watch him now. Maybe things will get better in the next couple of years and then you and your husband will be agreed to let her watch him then.

I think you are doing a great job as a mom, by the way!

God Bless,
A.

no you are not. and i would tell her how i felt. you have to be concerned about you chlidren's safety first. if she can't understand that then.....oh well. and since i see your update she really wouldn;t be watching them at her house.

I would not leave my children anywhere I did not feel safe leaving them at, even if it is family. You are doing nothing wrong. You are just protecting your kids from the cat from hell!! And you are also protecting them from your Mother... no offense. If she can't promise to keep the cat away from your child, she would be just as much to blame if something happens to your child.

If this were me in this situation, I would simply not allow her to watch my child. I would provide many options, as you have: watching him in your home, asking that she properly baby proof her home to help ensure his safety, ask that the cats be kept away from him while he is there, etc. If she does not agree to your standards, then just simply state that you have provided her with many options, and since she is not willing to compromise, and it seems plain to you that his safety is not her number one priority, then she may not have the privilege of watching him. I would not even apologize for saying such a statement, because your number one priority and responsibility to your son is to keep him safe. I am sure that most parents would not intentionally leave their children in situations in which they know their children are in danger. You may wish to explain this to her as well, and leave it at that. (And explain that this is not a judgment of her or her choices, it is simply your concern for your son's safety)
This is a tough situation, but there are things that would be tougher (like receiving the phone call that your son has been seriously hurt while in your mother's care).
I think you're doing an awesome job, and I understand the difficulty of this situation, but your obligation is no longer to her, it is to your son. :)

-T.

Not wrong... She has no right to get angry. You have every right to say no.

So say no. Do not put your little one in danger because they feel they need no changes.

Oh... And as far as the cat scratching... Can we say STAPH INFECTION???

You are not wrong. Been there. Done that. Your mom is the one that is choosing her cats and house appearance over time with your child.

For a grandparent to say that they can't promise to put the cats away while your child is present is insane. A cat can't be in a carrier or locked in a bedroom?

My inlaws have gates on their stairs that I purchased, or they purchased when they saw that I was purchasing one (for their house) as they have 2 sets of stairs. Their house isnt really baby proofed either. Just one room mainly. I would always try to keep my kids in that one room when they were playing. My inlaws don't share that thought. They watch my niece (2 1/2) sometimes overnight. Everytime there is some story about her getting into something or going up the stairs cuz they forgot to put the gate up.

M.

I know you have a lot of feed back, but I wanted to say: You are an awesome mother to stand up for your child's safety!
You have not done anything wrong. We live 1 hr. from our families (we did live 3 hrs.) & my mom is at our house every week so I can volunteer.
Even if it hurts other family member's feelings your son needs you to make sure that he is safe. I had the same type of issue with my MIL who refused to baby proof (even her wood burning stove). I never left my children with my inlaws until they were much older. I definitly wouldn't let a young child around a known 'attack cat'. Cat scratches can cause cat scratch fever, I have had it twice before I got my cat declawed. I was scratched on my arm & the limphnodes under my arm swelled up & was very painful.
Do not feel guilty. Continue to stand up for your child & only let her watch him at your house so you know that he will be safe. Tell her that you are sorry about the way she feels, but you need to make sure he is completly safe because that is what mother's do.

God bless!

It doesn't sound like you and your mother are very close--it almost sounds like there is an underlying issue that isn't being addressed. With that being said, all you can do is ask and ask on your terms. Maybe you ask her to babysit at your home and say it's just easier because all of your son's things are there (favorite toys, crib, bottles/food, diapers, etc.). If she says "no", then at least you've asked. You could promise to be home early, so she could drive home. Or, if you have the space, maybe she could spend the night. (My mom and sis live about 35 minutes apart and my mom will watch her kids at her house and just spend the night so she's not driving too late).

Your child comes first. If your mom will not make the changes necessary to keep your son safe, and thinks that you are trying to control what she does in her house, then it's her loss. You are the one who has "control" over who babysits your child and at what house. So, if she really wants to babysit your son, she'll have to do it at your house, unless she honors your wishes . . . and makes those few changes. Hold your ground.

Sorry, as I am sure many others have said, your mom is being a bit unreasonable. My mom too has a bit of an attack cat and she always puts him in the back room when my kids come over. I have three year old and just his presence is enough to send this fragile creature overboard, so we take no chances. Plus we don't want my son to develop any fear of animals just because her cat is so freakin' neurotic!!LOL As far s the stairs thing goes, that is very unsafe. I would definitely not allow my kid in a home with these conditions if I wasn't there. If she doesn't want to accomodate at all and doesn't want to drive, then I guess she will have to settle for seeing the kids when you can get them over there. I wouldn't worry about here being mad on this one, she will get over it, or she won't, not your problem. I would still make sure you call her, let the kids talk to her on the phone and make it clear you want her in your life, but I wouldn't put my kids in harms way. Good job and good luck!!;)

I didn't read your responses, don't even know if you're still reading them, but here are my 2 cents. Your sons health and safety have to be your first concern.

When my brother was a kid (probably preschool or early grade school age) he got "cat scratch fever" from being scratched by our indoor/outdoor housecat. It freaked my mom out, she thought he had some kind of cancer until the biopsy results came back.

When my daughter was learning to walk, she always grabbed the least stable item in the house to pull herself up, no matter how vigilant we were, it's an incredibly nervewracking time in the best babyproofed house. If your mom doesn't want to baby proof her home, she really doesn't want to watch your son, she just wants to make you feel bad for letting the MIL do it.

All you can do is repeat what you have already said, you would love to have her watch him at your house or if she baby-proofs hers and locks the cats in a room or outdoors while your son is there. People baby-proof their homes for a reason, even if your mom thinks you survived w/o baby proofing. Good luck!

After reading your update you are just going to have to tell your mom that she will not be watching your son in her home PERIOD. Your child's health comes BEFORE her feelings. Also remind her when she gets whinny and *itchy about it that "she raised you to do what was right no matter what"
You are going to have to stand your ground.

You obviously don't live far and I can' t see why she couldn't go to your house. But no way are you wrong. Those cats need to be declawed or she should get rid of them. I would never allow a cat or dog like that around any child. It's very thoughtless and neglectful.

I don't see the problem. She won't change her house for your son , you haven't asked her to watch him, so no harm no foul. She does seem jealous of your MIL but if she truly wants to watch your son she has to do what you feel is safe for him, or as you said come to your house. the cat scratching is the issue for me. Since they are indoor/outdoor God knows what that cat has stuck to his nails and the scrape could have gotten infected. You are doing everthing right. As your mom said she isn't changing her ways for you so why would you change your ways for her? Her loss.

I think you have done a great job handling this so far. It is just hard because you have been reasonable with someone who refuses to respond in kind. So she won't be watching him. You really don't loose out because you didn't ask her to in the first place. Plus she has made it clear that she doesn't hold your parenting practices in high regard, so how would you ever feel secure leaving him, wondering what else she is doing that goes against your requests? The only downside is that it can be hard to shake it off when you know your parent is displeased with you. But I think that this is a much simpler task than trying to get her to be reasonable.

I would limit the visits to her home and instead invite her to yours. Its her option to decide if it's worth the drive or not.

I personally would not leave my child at her home until he was old enough to TELL me what is going on (and her for that matter) and be able to keep on eye on the cat so he can stay away as he clearly needs to.

If your mom starts to notice you are not coming over as much as you used to, I would simply tell her that you are concerned about the cat and babyproofing and although you offered suggestions to remedy that, she has chosen not to honor that, so you are waiting until your son is older and can be safe in her home. But she is always welcome in yours.

Hope you find a solution. Good luck!

You have done the best you can. You have offered to let her babysit at your home, you clarified that her home is not safe, and she has made her choice which is to NOT make any concessions so she can watch your son.

You are responsible for your son and you always need to make sure he is safe and secure. Your rules not hers. I wouldn't worry about it. If she brings it up again, remind her that you have offered and she chose not to babysit due to your conditions, end of story.

Good luck, parents can be a pain.

Stick to your guns! I am the same way with my parents and MIL. I figure I'd rather they be offended and my kids safe rather than the other way around. Hopefully she will realize and come around. If not you gave her options and I think are being fair. You're the mommy and I think you're right!

No, you are not wrong. I agree with others that say there seems to be something in your relationship with your mom. That said, it is up to you as where you want to go with that. I can understand your situation a bit - my sister lives overseas, and when she would visit with my nephew(s), she would stay with them. My parents had a hard time accepting her parenting decisions if they were different that what they chose to do as parents. While they were certainly more accomodating than your mother seems to be, they would not remove their antiques from the living room or other common areas and would complain when my nephew (who was cruising) would hold onto the table for support. My dad esp. would carp about the baby tearing up his things. And although my parents had several tables they could have swapped it out for (the sold antiques), they chose not to. Even for a short period. They didn't care to get gates or even plug covers. I bought and installed the plug covers, and then got to listen to how hard it was to remove them all when my sister left. And our family had always been very close and had a pretty good relationship.

It's sometimes hard for parents to see things through their grown children's eyes. Sometimes they feel the sting of rejection or criticism because you choose to do somethings differently than how you were raised. Also, a lot of grandparents tend to forget exactly how they felt as new parents. They think we are making a "big fuss" over a lot of things they never had to worry about. They honestly don't see these things as an issue b/c they never had carseats, gates, plug covers, etc.

If your mom isn't willing to make any accomodations, you are perfectly justified in not leaving your son at her house, just as she is within her right not to install other gates. There are consequences for our actions, and if you chose to not leave your son, you should be clear as to why that is. From what you said, it doesn't seem that she is "invested" in your sons upbringing, but rather acting more from a feeling that she "should" be watching him. If you want to keep the relationship going, keep offering her the old olive branch, but don't feel you have to give in if you still aren't comfortable about the gate and cats. Also know that this could be a dividing factor in your relationship with your mom. Having your mom in your sons life could be wonderful, but it could be the opposite too. Being a mom doesn't automatically make someone a good parent or grandparent.

I wish you luck in finding courage to make what is probably a very difficult decision either way.

You are so in the right here, it's not even funny. Maybe you can't control what SHE does in HER house, but you can certainly control where your son spends his time. Your mom can't have it both ways. If she wants to have her grandson at her home, she needs to make some sacrifices and prove she's looking out for his best interest. If not, she doesn't get to watch him without you there. It's very simple actually. If she only wants to have your son over because your MIL sees him more often and her self-esteem is being lowered, she's only concerned with appearances and not truly concerned with your son's safety and well-being. You are not in the wrong. At all. Your priority right now is being a good mom (which you are). Being the understanding, bend-over-backwards-so-grandma-doesn't-get-her-feelings-hurt daughter to an uncompromising woman is NOT your current priority.

Nope. You are not in the wrong. Your mother has issues. Your son's safety comes first!

Your child's safety comes first. If she is not will to change things for your sons safety then I would not let her watch my son at her house. Mabey you can meet half way like a park or something. Your doing great keep up protecting your son as that is so important.

Your child is your #1 priority as is his safety. Yes, your mom is correct in saying that you can't control what other people do in their homes, however this is her grandson. You'd think she'd want to take every safety precaution out there and apply them to her home so that he grandson is as safe as he can possibly be. There are enough accidents that could occur in the most well child-proofed home, why even chance it in a home that is completely un-child proofed!?!? Seems to me that your mom needs to get off her "high horse" and either get over the fact that your MIL is taking these precautions and just watch your son at your home or just not speak about it at all. I wouldn't buy her the gate either, just one more reason why you'd have to go there and let your son be in harms way...may sound harsh but as I stated in the beginning, your child is your #1 priority as is his safety. Doesn't sound like your mom is up for any change, unfortunately. As for the cat issue, that is just beyond wrong, they know that the cat has attacked little kids before yet let it in the house when your son is around...HELLLLOOOOO!!! Best of luck :)

Okay so I read in between the lines there of what your mother is trying to say. She shouldn't have to "proof" her home for your son he should be taught to know better. However the issues at hand are not about that~ it is about your child being safe and protected for his own well being. I don't think you are in the wrong here at all. Your son's safety should be your first priority and not your mom's feelings. If she feels that way and you have offered for her to watch him in your home where he is safe and she refused then let her waller in her own pity so to say.
If you feel it necessary then sit down and have a heart to heart with her. Tell her you and your husband do not feel comfortable leaving your son there with her "because" of her refusal to make her home a little safer for little johnny. It wasn't about trusting her with him or anything against her just that accidents can happen and those little tikes can take off before you know it and that is why baby gates were invented-lol! How would she feel if you agreed to allow her to watch your son and god forbid something DID happen that could have been easily avoided with a simple baby proofing? Your not asking her to rearrange her home or rearrange her lifestyle but if she wants the relationship with her grandson then she needs to stop being so stubborn about it! She either wants the relationship or she doesn't but it sounds like she is allowing her stubborness and jeolousy take over and it has caused some bitterness and it is only going to spiral from here if it continues. You have given her the opportunity she just doesn't take it so don't blame yourself for this.
Boy this makes me appreciate my mother on so many different levels now. She went out and got two cribs and made a nursery for my girls and she used to watch them overnite every Thursday night and keep them while I went to work on Friday's. I just thought every grandma did stuff like that but I guess I am blessed, lucky, and spoiled! :()).
I really hope your mom can get past all of this and I am not saying your mom is a bad grandma or anything I am quite sure she loves you very much and your son but she has gotten side-tracked as to what is really important and she isn't going to be able to replace this time with your son he will be all grown up before you BOTH know it and she should know this better than you considering YOU are her daughter.
My in-laws have a tendency to be grandparents out of convenience so it really hurts me when I hear stories about stuff like this because I just honestly think the others are missing out. I have never ever asked for the help my mother always offerred and if there was something I wasn't comfortable with she knew she would change so she could keep her grandaughters although my mom was always good about taking charge herself to make the changes and her pretty things we never ever put away because those type of things were taught to my girls No Touch! Nana's Pretties! They learned and there is a particular room in her house that they know they aren't even allowed to play in because they know too many things could get broken in that room.

smart idea not letting her watch your grandson, she seems like one of those grandparents that never changed their ways to follow safety issues, like mine. if she continues to bother you, say something like this:
"my child's safety comes first, if you won't make your house childproof while he is here, then you can't babysit him at your house, and its not my fault, its yours so stop pestering me!" but remember to say: "you can babysit at our house, and visit him anytime." she should hear that, maybe it'll make her realize the problem there, and your completely right, your a great mother for protecting your child.

You say her husband, so I know it's not your dad, like I say about my step father, ick, who I do not like anyway and he doesn't discipline his stupid dogs. You protect you. You protect your children and love your mom no matter what. She is your mom. Sounds like he just a fly in the ointment. I think a lot of us talk too much. You do not need to explain it, unless you want to let her know that it's a little far while your child is young. She doesn't want to hear that her husband is a jerk, as this is what I am getting from the note. Just make some visits if you must but otherwise unless they are paying your bills you call the shots. My mother was going to babysit (once) I really wanted a sitter for a very important reunion. She told me that they were going to go to an international basketball game or something. Knowing my stepfather just says, ah, let em go, about kids all the time, I found another babysitter. My mother always lived within 'babysitting distance' but never baby sat. My children are now almost twenty and twenty five. How sad that these women are beholden to these men. I hope I read this right and I am not insulting people that you love very much.

No. You are not wrong. Your son is your number one priority. He depends on and trusts YOU to keep him safe.
It would be nice if family relations could be salvaged, but that takes effort on both parts, and it sounds like "Mom" is not willing to do her part.
I really feel sorry for you. It's a no-win situation. Been there, done that, know exactly how you feel.

As Julie C mentioned, there are standards for daycare providers; point out that safety standards have and continue to change as the CPSC continually works to make our environment safe for children. Point out that these changes have occurred due to previous accidents, that you are the mom, that you are unwilling to compromise the safety of your child and that you are sorry if she does not understand how important this is, that hopefully with time, she will realize the importance. While my grandma used to watch my daughter and was willing to do everything to keep her safe, she had bad habits, ie. keeping cleaning products on the floor in the kitchen. She just didn't think about it, despite my pointing it out. I ended up using daycare a few days a week. It's just not worth it!

Wow you have 40 answers. I just wanted to say that you are not wrong at all and you should stick to what you feel is best for your son. My husband and I have the same arguments with both of our mothers ... it's tiring and ridiculous. There are always babysitters that will respect your wishes with your son and as he gets older you won't even need to have these disagreements with your mom. Good Luck!

My grandma's new husband had a dog for many years. I went to the campground with my best friend and her 1 year old. The dog out of no where nipped his butt. He was wearing a diaper, so only had a small mark. Well my grandparents felt so bad and we all figured it was probably the diaper that set the dog off. Well it was the first major accident, but they saw a change in the dogs behavior anyway and put him to sleep within a couple weeks. They didn't have to do that, but they didn't want that to happen to any other child and it be worse.
I also bought a gate for my mom to use at the top of the stairs (I live with my mom) because she wouldn't buy one. She then had my husband install it at the bottom of the landing. Well I don't understand how that helps. 2 years later I finally got her to move it to the top of the stairs when my 2nd son was running around. She says 'well this makes more sense.' The clouds opened and the angels were singing, it just took 2 years.

There are minimal safety standards for daycare providers. Your mom's home doesn't meet those standards, so it's unsafe for your child to be there for any length of time without you there to watch. Pretty straight-forward stuff.

If she needs specifics on your concerns for your son's safety, you can state the stairs and the cats, but then you have to also look for cleaning supplies, medicines, etc.

Don't take this the wrong way....
I've had a long day and I don't mean to sound offensive, but I think what your mom said to you was the truth and a very important message....
"You can't control what other people do at their own house."
If you step back from the situation, it's not that strange of a thing to say.
It's the truth.
Maybe you are having a battle of wills to an extent because MIL does things one way to your preference and your own mother doesn't....I don't know.
My point is, if you don't want your mom to watch your son, all you have to do is say no. Just like she has the right to say she doesn't think she should have to alter the way she does things.
Plan visits at your home, at somewhere in the middle, don't rub it in she's not doing things the way your MIL does it....don't butt heads.
That's my main advice.
If you are both being stubborn, you'll never get anywhere.
Let me tell you something...
My mom loves my kids with all her heart, but if I dared try to tell her move this or that, put a gate here or there, don't let them out by the horse or the fish pond, don't let Grandpa take them out to the garage or don't let the cat by them...........................
She would tell me to kiss her where the sun don't shine.
She loves my kids, she raised kids. She is an intelligent and competent human being.
My choice was to trust her and trust her love or not trust her at all.
You have the same choice.

My sister and cousins and I grew up at our grandparents houses and we have such good memories. Grandpa had an old dog we knew to stay away from. He was old and nervous. Mammaw had an old dog that wasn't mean, but she was deaf and if we startled her, Nannie had an old cat that never bothered anybody unless a kid started chasing her.
I think that part of raising good and well rounded kids is also teaching them limits in different surroundings.
They do get things figured out.
Don't fight with your mom too much.
Life goes by so quickly.
When your kid is a teenager, you will be tempted to sell him on e-bay and you'll hope you have your mom around.
Take it from me.

I hope you can work it out.
Best wishes!

comment on the gate. sounds like you need to put it on a tighter setting and yes it seems like you will break it or the door jam but believe me.. those gates can stand a lot of pressure. We bought a few of the cheaper gates for some of the doorways in our house and also the fireplace. They will hold if you put them on a really tight setting but also makes them a pain to undo to go through the doorway but it can be set where they aren't wobbly.

Is there a door to the basement steps?? maybe they would close the door and put an eye hook up high so the baby can't open the door, then also could keep the cats downstairs while the baby is at their house. that would serve the purpose of the steps, plus keep the cats away from the baby.

I have a cat and also steps to the basement. I watched a toddler for a few weeks and for some reason our cat doesn't like this kid at all. I think it is because they have a huge dog and our cat must smell the dog on him because he will just get in the door and the cat starts hissing. I kept the cat downstairs and kept the basement door closed while the toddler was in the house. After the child left then I let the cat come back upstairs.

Okay I may be in the minority here, but I think this...first, I think you are totally right...it's your child and you have the right to decide where he goes, what he does and if you think he's unsafe. If you are not comfortable, then it's fine.

But...I also think this...your mom is right too. You can't control what goes on in other homes or places. If she understands that she has to watch him every second he's there so he doesn't fall down the steps or get hurt by the cat, then I think it's fine. I personally don't use any gates in my house and yes, it can be a pain, but I do it for mulitple reasons...one being that I can't control other enviornments and I want my kids to be able to adjust when they go somewhere else. Besides, using gates doesn't automatically make it safe. You still have to watch the kid b/c most kids will want to pull up on the gate and possibly lean on it or shake it, which could easily dislodge it from the top of the steps and then everything, including baby, would come crashing down.

If you choose to not let your mom watch him, I don't think you're "keeping him" from her since you seemed to have offered other alternatives, but you could make the argument of are you keeping him from her?? I'm a peacekeeper, so I'm inclined to do things to make it work for everyone, but the bottom line is you shouldn't do something you're not comfortable doing, but you need to tell your mom in no uncertain terms why you're making that choice. I think you should also make the effort to take your son to visit your mom, under your supervision, since he might not get to spend time with her otherwise.