Going Against Parents Wishes

My mother was so against my relationship that she disowned me. I was heartbroken, but knew in my heart that this was right for me. Seven years later I am still happy and in love with someone who loves me for me, and my mom is now trying to get back the relationship with me that she destroyed. Sometimes you need to do what you know is best and forget what anyone else tells you. Good luck!

It sounds like maybe your parents are seeing the men from your past and not the current (and future). I do know people that don't trust someone based on what they have. If they don't have, then they don't work, or have a rotten job or some other thing. Have they met him and spent time with him--not just dinner? You need to do what you think you should as this is your future. It sounds like you have finally met your mate.

One of my old supervisors just got married to hubby #4. It's been 3 yrs and they are still in love. Sometimes you just don't pick the right person the first or second time around. You need to do what's best for you and your children and your parents will come around. The problem is that in the past they've been the ones to set you in the right direction and pick up the pieces after. Obviously they don't want to do it again. Can you see it from their view?

He sounds awesome. How well do your parents know him? Given enough time, would they see how well you two "work" together and how happy you are (would they be okay with it, or is that their issue, where they need you to 'be saved' from some loser guy?)

I think you would be okay going forward with the wedding. Congratulations!! AND, congratulations on waiting to sleep together till you're married. SO nice to hear when others do that too!

well, you're the one marrying him- not your parents. I would sit down and talk with them- I am sure that they are concerned for you, having seen you go through two divorces has got to be hard on them too- and I understand them feeling as if it might be "rushed". But from what you say, he sounds like a good man. I think that having been through what you have- you seem to have your eyes wide open and are good at seeing the situation for what it is and doing something about it.
I think that him having everything paid for is a great thing- debt free shows that he is responsible and that he thinks things through before making decisions. Maybe pre marital counseling would be something to do together to make sure you are both on the same page about everything- your kids, any future kids, finances, etc.
Good luck!
~C.

Your parents have seen what you have gone through and just do not want to see you make another mistake, but all in all it is your life to do as you want with. Just becarful with the example you are showing your girls, that is all. I am not saying you are wrong that is not it, I am just saying becareful that is all think it through.

If you are sure and happy thatis what is important.

One question -have you seen a therapist in any of the time after your two marriages dissolved? I guess two questions -have you and this man been to "pre-marital" counseling? Since both of you are divorced, I think it would really be in your best interest to see a counselor together so you know you're truly on the same page with the biggies and some of the day to day stuff in life. If you do that, you should let your parents know -and let them know that this isn't something you're rushing into without thinking. I understand their concern, but you're 36. You're a grown up. This is ultimately your decision!

And yes, several years ago I finally kind of saw my parents not so much as my parents but as people. I still thought of them as my parents in the same way most of the time (and still do), but some shift happened around the same time my 2nd was born (I was 38), and I could really stand back and see them as people.

One thing I learned through therapy, is life does not have to be full of drama! Imagine that? I have always been in a family that had all kinds of behind the scenes drama going on.

Instead as we mature we learn to be honest, to not attack, to take responsibility for our own actions, to forgive..

You are no longer a child, even though your parents will always see you as their child..

If you are having any doubts.. please go and speak to a non religious based therapist. They will help you sort this out..

To me from the outside you sound like a very strong woman who has done a great job. There were times in your life that did not end up the way you hoped, but you learned and moved on.

This is YOUR life. No one else can live it and no one else has the right to judge you. Follow your own heart and brain and then take responsibility for how it turns out.. Good or bad. That is what life is.

If you feel like you need a response to others when they give you advice (asked or not), you can say "Thank you for your concern. I know you love me and I appreciate it."

You are 36 years old. They still see you as their little girl and don't want you hurt again. They too don't want to go through another divorce. THey are wary.
If you really want to get married to this man then do so. If he truly loves you it will work. I hope it does. It may take M. and dad a while but when they see you happy and when your new fance treats them with respect and love they will come around. They love you and want what is best for you.
It may take a while of your new fiance/husband constantly being over wonderful in their presence.
I hope this one works out for you.

Some times getting married quickly is a bad thing. Some times it isn't. Teenage marriages never work, or at least that's what my wife and I were told. We were told our marriage wouldn't last 6 weeks (my father) and three months (my FIL) and that was 37 years ago. ;-) To be honest, my wife and I had our moments and our marriage had been on the rocks more than once, but we've made it so far..

Find out how you husbands feels about your faults and how do you feel about his faults? Can you be happy with a saver? Will he be happy with a spender?

My parents were always my parents. My dad and FIL may not have always been right, but they were NEVER wrong. You get used to that. My FIL hated me and was still cussing me on his death bed. Each of his sons came up to me afterwards, in private, and apologized for their father's behavior. (MAJOR victory!!!) My MIL almost hated me. It was more, extreme dislike. I worked for years to get on their good side. Now I'm my MIL's favorite SIL.

Keep trying and keep returning honey if you get vinegar. They will probably come around.

Good luck to you and yours. (BTW, my wife and I had our first date in Feb, were engaged in April and married in July.)

Why rush into this? I know several couples who have met and marreid right away and it worked out beautifully; I am one of them! But, you have two little girls that you have to put first. Although it is commendable that you have chosen to abstain (I am assuming that is what you meant by not sleeping together), it is still strange, especially to small kids, to have a man living in your basement. If he is Mr. Right, which he very well could be, he will be Mr. Right in a year, or two years. It just seems like you are rushing into this and you really shouldn't put your kids through these relationships until the relationship has had a chance to bloom and grow. Your kids shouldn't be subjected to the peeks and valleys of exploring a new relationship, even if this is "the one." You won't know he is the one until you have had a significant amount of time together; like I siad, you don't really get the luxury of falling crazy in love and moving things along really quickly when you have two little ones you need to answer to and look of for. Plus, no offense, but you don't have the best track record for choosing a husband, regardless of who encouraged the marriage. You don't have to be ashame of your past, but you do need to learn from it. And who knows, if you both show some restraint and take your time, your parents just may come around, too. Just my opinion.

Not sure what you're asking either. Have you discussed with your therapist why you feel like you need to please your parents instead of yourself?

Only advice: put EVERYTHING out on the table before you ARE married: finances, goals, careers, expectations, child rearing, discipline duty, etc.

I hope this is your forever-love!

You keep mentioning your parents judgments as if you had no say in the matter. That tells me that perhaps you have not matured to the level that would be most beneficial for a marriage. No judgment, just an observation by the way you phrased things.

He has nothing and he's living in your basement. That's a clue. You need to get a clue. You deserve a man who can afford his own apartment, his own stuff, and be able to support you. There are men who are more than willing to let their wives and their wife's parents, support them. I'd not put a date on that marriage and let him know that you two still have a lot to know about each other. A year is not enough, believe me.

If I were you, I'd get premarriage counseling to eek out where your differences are and if they are lines in the sand. I would get some relationship counseling for self growth on understanding why you have picked poor partners in the past. Seriously, most women do that and if they are lucky, they get it right by their third marriage BECAUSE they have done some introspection on what they are drawn to, etc.

The last paragraph, first three lines, have been expressed by numerous women who have been fooled by their own feelings. Some of the most charming men have the biggest problems. Seriously. Do some homework and you will never regret it. If he needs to mature some, you will find out if he's willing to do that for you or not and actually do it.

You're only rushing, of it's not the right person. My husband and I got engaged after 4 months of dating and were married 7 months later. To some, we might have been rushing. For me, I met and incredible man and wanted to be married. We have been married 5 years with a child and he is a wonderful husband. We have a great marriage, not perfect...what marriage is...but it is so strong. I knew, I had met the right person, for me. The father of my children, my best friend, my partner. I didn't want to wait. We were both mentally healthy, mature, realistic about marriage...and would have never done it differently. I was about 13 years younger then you are now. My parents voiced their concerns, at first. In the beginning, there was even a little worry and being against it. However...I was a grown woman. I took into account my parents feelings, but I knew I was capable of making the decision. I made the best decision, for my life. Very soon, they came around. They love my husband and trust I made a wonderful decision. They are happy, that I didn't listen to them!! You make the right decision, for YOU. It might drive a wedge between you, and that's THEIR decision. You are an adult. You make the decisions, for your life. They don't get to decide, for you. You are a 36 year old mother to two wonderful children and found a man, that loves you and loves them. That is good enough (rightfully so), for you. Who cares, what is good enough for them? You can't put your life on hold, to meet their future husband checklist. If they value your relationship with them, they will give him a chance.

your parents are just being protective. ask your dad what he sees that you dont and take it in to consideration. but I say go wtih your gut on this one. you just know when its right.

if you know you know hun, my mom begged me not to get married to my husband and tried bribing me with my "dream" wedding if i waited. could it almost be time to tell your parents, i'm not asking your permission, just your blessing, i had to and they finally shut up, my brother waited until after we were married (only people from my side at our wedding was my dad and step mom) less than a month after we were married my brother flat out told my husband, i'm sorry.

they are not paying your bills, you don't sleep next to your parents at night. you can't live your life trying to make everyone else happy...will make you miserable...i tried that....doesnt' work

well you know everyone has an opinion about how to run your life-until their in your shoes...when i was undecided about something when i was younger-my gramma use to tell me to listen to my heart-to just stop an listen-your brain along with everyone else can come up with a billion issues..but your heart holds the true answer...

we all have a past-some really great-some not so much-mine-not so much..but thats just part of life-we learn an move on...good luck to you

I have a very similar story except stayed married longer first time and am divorced once... no relationships since. I am same age...so, your post is actually very encouraging to me. I am also Christian and spiritual. I know it can be challenging to find someone that is on the same page spiritually.

I have learned, from my own life circumstances, there comes a time when you have to listen to your spirit and respectfully let parents know you are making a decision, but appreciate their concern. And, that sounds like all it is...maybe they are panicked because they don't want you to experience anymore heart ache. They have their concern for you and their grandchildren wrapped up in one and not wanting any of you to go through anything else horrible.

As others have mentioned, I have had that shift of seeing my parents as people. Although they are my parents, I have had to tell them at times it may seem as though I am not heeding what they say- but in my spirit I am being lead a different way. I have never had cause to regret that.

If this is someone the Lord has sent into your life, which it sounds like it is, then the Lord can also work your parents' hearts to open up and receive your fiance. It may not happen right away, but it will happen. You may have already done this- but, pray about it and as He guides you, the situation will be resolved.

Good for you for not sleeping together yet until after you get married, and for finding someone who sounds like an awesome man. Being on the same page spiritually is so important. And BTW---who says we need "drama" in our lives, in our marriages? It's portrayed that way on tv, but actually, we shouldn't have that "drama"! Just enjoy our lives together. Anyways, about your parents, sometimes people get caught up on that "honor your parents" thing. But when you are an adult, honor does not mean "obey". You need to do what is important for you and your girls, regardless of your parents' opinions. Your parents will come around...they love you.