My dad has been remarried for over 9 years. His wife has 3 children (adult) and no grandkids. My sister and I each have one child, both under the age of 3. As we approach the holidays, and gift giving anxiety, I am trying to find a polite way to ask to "name exchange" with the step-siblings. My husband is a full time grad student and on a one income household budget, extra presents seem impossible. The one year I did do creative homemade gifts is also the year my dad got a dvd player from one of the stepsiblings, and we each got somewhat lavish gifts. Suggestions? I would rather have them buy gifts for my daughter if they so chose, but is the name-swap a good idea for the adults? Thanks for your feedback!
Thank you SO much!! I was absolutely overwhelmed with the positive and empathetic responses - I felt so not alone in this issue! Thanks for the 22 emails and to give you an update. I talked to my sister, and she heartedly agreed it was time to bring up name swap with the siblings (there are 10 total so it is a nice group with spouses). She said she would broach the subject with our dad and his wife and they agreed it was a good idea too. Stepmom is contacting her kids so we remain hopeful it comes back that they agree. The one rule was set: my dad and step mom will "pick" the names out of a hat (we are across 3 states) and if they pick a person's spouse, they put the name back. If they pick a sibling - that is okay. We also agreed to a $30-40 price cap.
Here is hoping and THANKS AGAIN for your support - it was so comforting to get some terrific feedback!
Recap a week later - the entire group of adult siblings backed out- some not so politely, and they will not be doing the gift exchange this year. It is unfortunate but my sister and I tried and we can do more than have the best of intentions. Maybe next year, with a lot more notice, it will be a different story. I am back to having to purchase gifts for 3 adult couples now that I can't afford to buy for -- oh well! Thanks again for your input moms!!!
My husbands family is the same way so I suggested drawing names and thats what we have been doing for the past two years the only grandchild is my daughter and we have another one on the way. It works out great I would just suggest it and see what they say.
My mom is one of 11 kids and each one of my aunts and uncles have kids and some of the kids have kids so in other words I have a gigantic family.....when I was a kid they use to give each on of the families a family to buy presents for(did that make sense?) it worked great and saved everyone a lot of hassle and money....so I definitly think the name exchange is a good idea
In my family(s) we draw names on my side of the family, for the adults and buy for all the kids, because everyone can not afford to but for everyone. With my husbands side, we buy for everyone.
Explain that you are on a limited budget and would like to draw names, if they don't want to, then maybe you could just buy small gifts for the children and take you dad and stepmother out to dinner. My in-laws tell us what they really enjoy most is family time.
Don't drive yourself crazy comparing gifts, do what you can afford, because it's not about the price of the gift, it's about being together.
My husband has several siblings (total of 8 counting spouses) and we have found what works best is to bring a wrapped female gift and a male gift. We play some sort of game every year (it's a little different each year) to determine who gets what. We also have a name drawing for the kids to exchange gifts as well. When the kids reach college age they are included in the adult gifts. I am sure that if you explain to them ( I would start with your step mom and dad and get them in your corner on this before approaching your step-siblings) that because of your husband's schooling, you are on a tight budget, they will be open to suggestions. Good Luck and Merry Christmas!!
Hi K.,
I think the nake exchange is a great idea! Christmas is not about going into debt. My family has done the name exchange the last few years and it has helped us get to know the interests and hobbies better of whom ever we get to give to that year. I'm sure they would also be relieved at buying less this year.
Merry Christmas, Jen
I grew up with a gift exchange - one among the adults AND one among the kids. We also gave a price limit. It worked out well & I think its a good idea. I don't think your step-siblings should be offended. Just ask what they think about swapping names. I like the idea of making a tradition out of swapping names at Thanksgiving. Personally, I think Christmas is for the kids & the holiday has become too commercial. I love getting together for say a potluck dinner party - good food, wine/beer, games, good time. A friend of mine does a cookie potluck. Each bring different ingredients & tupperware to bring them home in & they all make the cookies together. Hope things work out.
You just need to bring up the idea and explain your financial situation. Most people will not be offended. My family started this a few years back. We still by for all the kids but the adult names are drawn. It has saved us lots of money!
I think name sway for adults is an excellant idea and still buy for the kids. That what we do on my dad side. It works out great and more asffordable!!!
I advice, I would let them know how tight your budget is and tell them that you would like to pick names for Christmas. One fun thing that my family did, as it grew, was we picked names and had a $50 limit for that gift, and then we also did a "Christmas Exchange" whereas each person would buy a Christmas decoration, i.e. ornament, wreath, etc. and we would play a game. The game would be that we would all select numbers from a hat on who gets to go first. All of the christmas decorations would be wrapped and in the middle of the room and then the person who drew the number one would get to select the first gift and open it. Then the next person, that drew number 2 would either get to steal the gift from the first person or select a new one from the pile, and open it. And so on and so forth. This was a fun thing that we got to do together and something that brought us close with laughter. Hopefully this helps. Good luck to you!
I have run into the same problem! My sisters family is growing, my sister-in-law has a growing family and then my mother-in-law marries a man with three kids and 5 grandkids, and suddenly they are also our "siblings" and we are all expected to exchange gifts! I think its ridiculous! Last year my husband and I put the word out to everyone, and I mean everyone, that we were declaring Christmas for children only. We informed everyone that we were not purchasing gifts for anyone more than children and we were not expecting gifts from anyone at all. We informed everyone that if they felt the need to spend money they should spend it on the children only. Well, we didn't buy any gifts, even though we received a few, and I don't think they were happy. But you just have to stick to it. I think it is absolutely uncalled for that we are all guilted into buying gifts. Christmas gifts are for kids! And we should never feel like we HAVE to buy gifts. Christmas should be about spending time with family, not outdoing each others materialistic impulses!
My husband's extended family does a White Elephant Christmas game. My extended family has done a gift exchange for years where we draw a name and have a list with a few things each person wants. Last year we tried an ornament exchange instead and it bombed! This year someone suggested that we just buy for the kids, I don't know yet. For the immediate family, I'm trying to come up with meaningful gifts, handmade or just thoughtful. Most of us don't want any more clutter of "things" and we are on one income here. I agree that you should approach dad and sm first and hope they will understand so that they are on your side with the stepkids.
I think the name draw is a fabulous idea. The adults use to do that in my family. Like you said its about the kids anyway
Gift exchange is awesome to do with the adults. My family has been doing that for the last 3 or 4 years and works out great. We usually put a limit on what to spend, that way nobody feels pressured into buying something outrageously expensive while someone else gets something "okay". That really takes the pressure off. We also do that with my husbands side of the family, and gain, it words out great!!!
I hope it works for you, and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas!
J.
We as a family have always done the name ex-change on Thankgiving the children and adults look forward to pulling the names out of the hat. I'm sure they'll understand. Merry Christmas! D.
This year I was on a very limited budget and decided that I would send out Christmas blessings and a nice card to all my extended family/friends. I advised that I didn't want any gifts in exchange but the same, blessings and a card, even for my kids as they will have enough from close family. I am sure your family would understand. Also another great idea is everyone buy a set amount on a gift card from various places, at Christmas each adult gets to draw one. That way everyone is covered, it isn't expensive and you needn't worry about getting someone something they truly don't need or want.
K.,
My husband comes from a large family where money screams. We got to the point where we hated going home because no one stayed within the money limit even with a name drawing.
So why not draw for families and give one family gift for each with a set amount. You could also rotate so you know who you get each year without having to draw.(works better when everyone is out of state) Hopefully this will take some stress off. Your hand made gift means you took the time and thought of that person. To me time is more precious
Merry Christmas,
C. B
Oh my goodness, yes! We do a name draw on both sides and even with that our Dec. budget is so tight! I can't imagine going back to buying for everyone. I'm sure most everyone else will be relieved too. We've been able to spend a little more on that one person then we would if we were buying for 20 individual people. You might mention that you'd like to spend more time and money on really enjoying your time together during the holidays...maybe going to a Christmas performance, baking cookies together, volunteering somewhere...instead of using all your resources on coming up with what everyone wants.
Hi K.,
I would make a general announcement for the adults with an offer to "Lets just draw names this year, and for the kids, have each person who would like to give an individual gift do so.
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Have a Merry Christmas!
C.
We did away with the gift exchange all together on my side of the family. It was too complicated. It's so hard to buy a gift for adults (and kids usually get enough stuff from their parents and grandparents as it is. TOO many toys overwhelm them). It's hard enough to know what to get my husband, and I know him very well! I was SOOO relieved when my mom suggested stopping our gift exchange. Most of it turns into clutter for the person receiving it because it's not really something they'll use or like anyways. We still get my parents presents and vice versa, but not my siblings and spouses or neices/nephews.
It is so hard and stressful to buy for my husband's side of the family so we finally opted out. We didn't try to change the way they do it; we just chose not to be involved. I want to enjoy my holidays, and this made it easier for me. So my husband just said, "For me and Tif, we'd rather not be a part of a gift exchange. Please don't get anything for us. The kids get plenty of presents from us and you don't need to get them anything, but if you want to go ahead." My father-in-law is single and seemed pretty relieved not to have to worry about presents.
One idea at an annual Christmas party my aunt throws is that everyone who wants to be a part of the gift exchange brings something (you don't have to participate if you don't want to, and there's a price limit) and we do a fun game out of the exchange. We each take a turn either opening a wrapped present from the pile or exchanging a wrapped present with someone else who has already opened a present you like. A present can only change hands 2 or 3 times and then that person gets to keep it. It's gets kinda playful with people trying to go after a popular item (a tub of licorice always is a hit at our party for old and young alike). Here's a link to a really cute Right/Left gift exchange game we did last year. You're bound to mess up and it gets everyone laughing as you try to hand the gift the correct direction: http://www.santalady.com/xmasgame/lftrt.html
Good luck to you! I have tried to bring this up with my husbands family and it hasn't gone well. I don't know why because none of us are rolling in money! This year we are finally doing an ornament exchange among the sibblings and spouses. Last year I suggested we take the kids and shop for an angel tree together and spend the money that way. That idea went up in flames. I always think you should get the kids gifts though. They are much more fun to shop for anyway :) Merry Christmas!
Hi K.,
If the step-siblings are adults then a name exchange is more than proper. We did a similar thing in our family. Once you were out of college, you were in on the name exchange with the adults.
S.
A friend of mine has 20 aunts and uncles. All of them live in pretty much the same area. They do a gift exchange for the adults every year. With each name is the gift they'd like (I was involved in it one year, it's fun).
If I didn't know better, it almost sounds like the step-sibs are in a very convoluted game of one-up. I mean, a DVD player really isn't personal, but it does make your effort, which is usually expensive in time, look awful.
If you're on good terms with your step-mother or one of your sibs, emphasize your situation - you husband in school, the one income, your health issues, etc. And, if it's something you feel that is warranted, offer that once your husband is done with graduate school, if the majority hates the gift exchange, it can go back to the way it was.
Hi K.,
Once my brother's and I all had kids we decided that the holiday was more for them then us anyhow so we stopped exchanging gifts between the siblings all together and just get gifts for the kids. We came to this conclusion because we were being forced to buy cheap, $15-$20 gifts for everyone. This way we can spend a little more on the kids and get them a decent gift. It worked out very well for our family. Good luck!
