Another Holiday Request

I agree with you, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE, the white elephant gift exchange. It is SO much more fun than real presents.

The whole thing is about being together and if they are bringing another couple then they should also bring them a gift not expect it from others. If you want to go pick up sometrhing at the dollar store that would be nice enough. The nieces and nephews would probably like starbucks cards.

I haven't read any of the other responses, so maybe you've got this one already...but how about a grab bag....whomever wants to participate can. The way my family does it is...if you are female, buy a gift you think another female would like, if you are male, buy a gift you think a male would like. That way there are equal amounts of gifts in the two piles for the people that desire to participate. Agree on an amount to be spent. That way if the new couple wants to participate they won't feel weird (I know I would feel weird if some family I don't really know were asked to buy me gifts and vice versa). Have a happy holiday!

Denise ~
Did the family coming from out of state ask you if they could bring the other couple before they invited them to come visit you? Also, are they staying at your home or in a hotel? I would suggest to the person(s) bringing the unknown guests to do a gift exchange with their friends (unless of course you have extra amounts of money that you can spend on others). Also, let the person know that you have always given to your nieces and nephews a small gift and that no one should be asked to spend 'a certain amount'. Maybe the older grandkids might want to do a gift exchange between themselves (they know what they each like and what they can afford). As for the gifts that you give your older nieces and nephew (they would probably appreciate a gas card or a Costco card). Good luck to you! Happy holidays!

Our Family struggled with this a few years back...especially since buying for everyone can get expensive...we chose among the adults to "draw names" where we had a person who was not in on the exchange...a friend...help with the drawing to make sure families didn't get their own names etc...that way each person is buying for 1 person only and everyone submits a small list of "Ideas" to choose from...gieft cards,books, cds, dvds, etc. We had the kids draw together too...and if anyone wanted to do extra they could for the kids. Since then we have forgone the adult draw and decided that just being together was "gift" enough...The other thing we did for a couple of years was to have a "women's" and Men's" gift exchange. Each man bought a Man gift and each woman a Woman...and the kids bought a Kid gift. On this one we just set a $$ limit and then on Christmas numbered the packages and drew numbers or played games for the gift exchange...Just to sort of mix things up...Have fun!

Hi Denise! We have a great tradition in our family that we do a gift exchange and we keep the gift price limit at $25.00 - and if you want to participate you bring a gift, and if you don't, you don't bring a gift. Then the friends can participate if they choose to, or not.... Not everyone participates, but the ones that do always have a great time, and the ones that don't usually get a kick out of watching all of us steal presents and stuff. That way also, if someone can't afford it, they don't have to feel obligated to join in and no one knows that is the reason why. We include all "kids" that are over 18 so in our family until you are 18 u are considered a kid, and the grown ups usually buy presents for all of the kids, but once they reach 18/or graduate from highschool, they participate in the gift exchange if they choose instead of getting presents from all the aunts and uncles etc.... We have so many in our family that continuing to buy gifts, gets to be too much, now we have great nieces and nephews etc.... But if you would like to still get them something, I would try to do something like a gift card that you can just put in a card and give to them without a lot of attention drawn to it so other people don't feel awkward and bad that they didn't do something for them also. I know that I don't have the $ to buy for everyone that I would like to, but that doesn't mean that they aren't dear to my heart. It to me is more about spending time with my family that I love. I hope that you all can get on the same page! Good luck! ~ Janine

Our family has tons of fun with the white elephant exchange. Some of the worst gifts keep showing up year after year :) I think that sometimes too much is expected during the holidays and it can turn a really wonderful time of the year into a stressful one. The white elephant exchange lets everyone just relax and laugh.

Hi Denise,
This is always such a dilemma. How about taking a different tack - asking everyone to participate in holiday gift-making together? This could be any type of craft project - making holiday cards or blank cards that can be used for any occasion, a small, easy sewing project , making candles - any project, especially one that your children can be involved in. They might have suggestions of things to make. There is nothing so special and heartwarming as a handmade gift - and it costs very little - the love that goes into the gift keeps on going, wherever the gift lands. Thich Nhay Hanh (a spiritual teacher) says: "there is no distinction between ones who gives a gift, one who receives the gift and the gift itself" - it is all the same - an energy exchange from the heart, through the hands. Hubbies, nephews, etc. may like to do a simple woodworking project (birdhouses are easy) - there could be many things going on at the same time. The crux of it is that everyone would be working, chatting, "being"together. Doing together far surpasses spending $ together. It is a great gift to be involved in a project together.
Best thoughts and wishes.
J. Birns
Waldorf Educator&consultant, mother of two (who love to make things also :)

My family and I do a gift exchange every year also. There are 7 kids and 6 of us are married. So it is a lot of gift buying hence the exchange. Well this year we are going white elephant style. So just some gently used items that we don't use(cd's, home decor, etc.)-so we can still have the fun of our gift exchange, but everyone can save their money. Because really, presents isn't what this holiday is about. Just as you stated-"shouldn't it be that everyone is just together." My older sister and my sister in law came up with the idea and emailed everyone and we were all okay with it. I hope this will help you find an idea for your family.

here are some ideas my family has doen in the past:

everyone pick a name and buy that person a gift.

don't do gifts and donate group money to an organization.

do a white elephant game type thing, everyone brings a gift for no one in particular and then you "steal" the gift you want etc...look it up if you are unfamiliar with that game.

the holidays can be stressful enough, don't let this become another stress...enjoy gift giving or don't give gifts is my theory..good luck!

Dear Denise,
Dang....for a family coming from out of state, they sure do have quite a long list of things they expect once they get there. With another couple in tow. When my relatives visit each other, we go with the flow and ask what we can do to help make the visit easier, not impose all kinds of plans. And putting a price on the gift exchange in the range that is suggested is a little steep. Since you know that the other couple is coming along, I see nothing wrong with you having some type of gift for them, but I don't think it has to be expensive for the sentiment to shine through. I don't think they should be obligated to purchase expensive gifts either. A hostess gift or something that could be enjoyed by your family would suffice. You also didn't mention if they will be flying or driving, so that would make a difference as well.
As far as your neices and nephews, continue on as you normally would with them, expecting nothing in return if they can't do it.
I guess you have a couple of choices. Insist that there be no gift exchange or everyone gets a gift but it must be UNDER $20.
Being a single mother, my kids and I usually go to my sister's house for Christmas dinner and gift exchanging. My kids get their presents from me here and they give and get their presents from other family members at my sister's. However, my brother in law comes from a very large family, plus has kids and oodles of grandkids and every year other people come for dinner if their family went out of town, etc. There simply is no humanly possible way to make sure there is a gift for each person. And no one expects it! The gift is the company and the food and everyone having a wonderful time. My feelings aren't hurt if my sister gets a present from her husband's cousins and me and my kids didn't get anything. It's just asking too much. The kids are usually too busy running around and playing anyway to even notice.
I think too much emphasis is placed on giving gifts.
If you take the worry out of it, you will have a far better time. As far as the couple coming, if you want to have a little something for them, for instance, you could get her a nice set of stationary and get him a shaving or travel kit with nail clippers, etc.
I hope you get it worked out. It will be interesting to know how things go.

Lots of ideas to consider. We go big in our house on Christmas. Some people think it's crazy, but we're all comfortable with it and love it - and that's what matters. This year I sent out the "let's lower the spending bar this year" email. when it was kindly rejected, I wrote another email that said "Take 2 - Please note that I will be spending less on your Christmas presents this year so that I can enjoy the holidays. Please do what you'd like with that information :)." (emails are hard - but it was funny to them). I realized that restricting them was stressing some of them out or taking some of the joy away. Now we can all make our own adult decisions and enjoy.

Extended family we get complicated with lots of exchange rules. My strong advice is to make sure people understand if White Elephant is "used/recycled" or "joke" gifts.

I think a 2008 ornament for the guests would be fitting. A gift to open and a yearly reminder of the fun Christmas with your family.

very merry!

It took my husband and I a really long time to convince the adults in his family to stop doing a gift exchange for the adults. I feel that Christmas is for the kids! I aggree with you about your nieces and nephews. If you are able financially to help them out with a little something at Christmas that they can really use then why not. As for the out of town guests....(sorry this might sound rude) If you don't know them then why should you have to give them gifts? If your family that is coming from out of town is bringing them since they are their friends then let them give them a gift. Giving them something might make a stranger feel a little uncomfortable. I feel that your generosity of including them on everything else will be greatly appreciated. If they are bring children though a little something for them would be nice. This time of year is always so stressful. I find this so sad since Christmas is so comerical now. Least we forget why we celabrate Christmas in the first place. It is a time to be with family and to celabrate the birth of Christ not about putting your self into debt or spending a lot of money on gifts. This is just my thoughts. I hope you have a blessed Christmas what ever you choice may be.

Hi Denise ~
Wow what a dilemma (the out of town unknown guests). In my opinion the family members bringing the couple should be the ones to exchange gifts with them. You could also do a inexpensive ($5-$10 limit) "white elephant" game. That way they can participate in the gift giving and in the same time your family is participating in a fun game. Our family has played this game for a few years now since we started not having as many young kids in the family. Also by playing this game you or any other family member who does not wish to buy for everyone (understandable due to the current economy) gets and buys a gift. I find this game much better than picking names. E-mail me if you want and I'll explain the game if you'd like.

its difficult to buy for older kids or adults you don't know well....
Suggestions:
GAS gift cards, Target, or ?
US bonds (buy low, but face value at maturity...25, 50 ...)
box of candy, bath salts/ lotions, scaf, gloves...
remember it's the thought that counts....
If over 21 a bolttle of wine, or beer collection...
You can pick many of these for less than $10-50 each

This is what my family does, and it is tons of fun.

Each person brings 3 gifts (Women bring gifts for women, men for men- or you can do unisex gifts).
Each gift is up to $15- or can be something nice from your home, or baked goods etc.
When we are all together, we draw names for the order of picking, and the fun begins! You can also include stealing- if someone likes what someone else opened, they can steal it away (we limit stealing to 2x per gift).
I swear, it is so much fun, you get some cool little gifts, and it is great for the whole (adult) family.

Some of the gifts given last year were
A fun card with lotto scratcher tickets
BBQ grill lamp
Candle sets
Bathroom reader book
Imersion blender
Kitchen towels
Baking dishes w/ Fresh baked banana bread

Believe me, once you try it, you will want to do it every year. And it is not so much about what you get, but the absolut fun everyone has.
Hope this helps you out!

Will everyone be in one place at one time? Maybe do like at the office and have each person bring one gift in the $30- $50 range then do a gift swap game for the adults.
All presents go under the tree or on a table. Put all names in a hat. The first name drawn gets first pick. It is also fun to allow successive people to "steal" gifts that have already been drawn, but limit the number of times a gift can change hands (1- 3 times is good). You may choose to have gifts unwrapped as they are chosen or everyone wait until the end. Lots of fun!
Of course your kids and any other youngsters should probably get their own gifts from family.

I think I would include the older grandchildren in the adult gift exchange - after all, they are now adults. Also, if you leave it as just do what you want, if anything, they could feel some pressure to get something for several people which in the long run would cost them more money. You can lower the amount spent on the gift to maybe $20 - $50 so they don't have to spend so much, but I think the gift exchange gives them an "out" to only have to buy one gift instead of feeling like well, I HAVE to get something for this person and then I'll HAVE to get something for this one and if I buy for this one, they I'll HAVE to buy for this other one, etc. I know if I were their age, I would not feel right not bringing a gift for SOMEONE and one gift, especially if it costs less than $50 probably won't break them.

Good Morning Denise,

Who are THEY????

Where are THEY and the couple NO ONE KNOWS going to stay?

The people bringing the couple along should also bring gifts for them if they don’t want them to feel left out.

If the COUPLE NO ONE KNOWS is staying at your home, they should be bringing a hostess gift as a thank you.

In the ADULT GIFT EXCHANGE does the family draw names? If so it is perfectly fine for the 18, 19 and 20 year olds to be included as adults if THEY want to be a part of the gift exchange.

Sounds like you and your family are big on making decisions for each other. If all this is taking place at your home, you have the right to set the tone.

Blessings…..

So another gift exchange idea. We draw names at thanksgiving. Set a price ($100 for us) for adults e-mail everyone a list of things we would like so no one knows who has who's name. When children were involved they received gifts from everyone. If someone did not want to participation so be it no gifts. You receive what you want so you do not get things you do not need or want. Outsiders coming in either play along or the family members bringing them should take care of there gifts, they brought them, they are their friends, take care of your friends. Do fret enjoy the holidays and your family.

We have said no gifts to anyone but children (for us that part is easy, there are only two, and they are 4 and 2)and for everyone else we donate a set amount of money to our favorite charity in their name.

As others have suggested, the "white elephant" game is fun. We've narrowed it down to a kitchen/food item (whether it be a nice basket of food items or cheese board and slicer) and the limit is $25. You can get some nice and different things for that price. Try Pier 1 Imports, Cost Plus, etc. Having it be a themed item makes it easier (for me, anyway) to find something and not feel overwhelmed.

You could always do the ornament exchange, too.

Just a thought.... Hope it works out!

I opt for the several suggestions of each person putting in one gift and having a "grab bag" sort of exchange. If people really want to give personal gifts, then do it privately when all the others aren't around, and keep it private so no one gets hurt feelings.
I counted up the cost your relatives are suggesting for the 3 nieces/nephews and that's almost as much as I spend on family gifts totally for our family of six adults and three children.
It's the season to celebrate and enjoy family and friends, not to go crazy.
I know it won't be easy changing minds, and presumably the relatives who are creating the problem are the older generation who tend to think they should still be in charge. You might try gently telling them, "sorry, we are on a tight budget this year, and I have to spend carefully." then suggest your alternatives with a "could we...?" Also, I do think that whatever you choose to do, you should include the two guests somehow. I don't think they have to be included as if they were family, but at least something so they don't feel left out. Actually, in my opinion, the relatives who chose to bring them should be the ones providing for them, but as the apparent host, you need to be sure they are included, however it's done.

Hi Denise,
Yes, Holidays especially one that provides gifts in all its excitements also comes with its difficulties. Coming from a family of 6 kids, and always buying for the nieces and nephews it gets tough. After the age of 18, I decided that was enough. If the adult children can afford to buy gifts then let them join. It shouldn't be a burden on their parents. Of course the parents of the adult kids can still buy for their own children. Let the family that is bringing the extra's buy for the extra's. Sense they know them and will know what they might like. Or just open up your hearts and except a little change. It is the celebration of Christ, and he is love.1 Cor:13-13 And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.(love). God's Blessings, N.

Hi,
I offer a free spa party with The Body Shop at Home (www.thebodyshopathome.com/web/cflesher). At the party I also offer $15 spa treatments since I am also a massage therapist (i.e. chair massage, paraffin treatments, hand & foot massage), and let the guests choose the treatment they would like.
Cynthia

Years ago, my extended family, which is quite large and always manages to include a bunch of friends, decided that all the gift giving was more budget-busting and hassle than fun. We all decided that instead of giving STUFF to each other, we would adopt a school classroom, nursery school, or some special place that works with children in need. Then, we each bring one unwrapped thing and the paper to wrap it in to the Christmas get-together. Maybe it is our favorite childhood book, or our favorite toy that is appropriate for that age, or new art materials. We all sit around telling about why we chose that thing, then have a "wrapping time". We wrap the gift, write a note or draw a picture to go with it, and sit back with a great feeling of doing good for people, laughing about all the childhood memories that were evoked, and just being incredibly thankful that we don't have to deal with STUFF. Even the young children really get into this...very excited about what they are doing for someone else.

This tradition that we started years ago has spread far and wide. Everyone tells someone how much fun they had and how this was the best Christmas ever, and how nobody had to get stressed.........

Try it. Your group may just like it!!!!!!!!!!!

My husbands family donates gifts every year to a woman who feeds the homeless. We buy her whatever she requests like large packages of socks etc, toys for the homeless kids she deals with, gift cards for WINCO.

My family plays a gift game. Everyone that wants to play buys one gift for under %30. All of the gifts are wrapped and placed in a pile. We draw numbers out of a hat and the person with number 1 can choose which gift to unwrap. The person with number 2 either unwraps a gift or steals number 1's gift. A gift can only be stolen 3 times and on the third time, whoever has it keeps it.

We have a lot of fun playing this.

V.

How about simplifying all of it by suggesting that every adult (18 or older) just bring one wrapped unisex gift of a certain price range. If you bring a gift, you can be part of the exchange. If you don't, you won't. Then do a fun gift exchange like a White Elephant trade, or any other holiday party gift game.

Here are the rules for the White Elephant: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_elephant_gift_exchange

You can choose to continue to buy your neices and nephews their gifts, but don't feel at all obligated to buy something for someone you don't know. Also, baking cookies and putting them in individual bundles or buy Sees Lollipops and combining them in a sweet bundle with other inexpensive goodies is a good way to have "extra gifts" for those you wouldn't purchase something for. This way everyone receives something, doesn't feel left out, and you don't break your bank.

My family is so large that we do this gift exchange, and just buy gifts for our own parents, grand parents, and all the children. It is a great way to not over do it during the holidays, and should address your concerns.

Best wishes to you and Merry Christmas!

Sigh. The season of family difficulties! I suggest graciously including the new couple into the gift exchange in the spirit of the season. What is the downside? You never really stated whether you were opposed, but I assume you're not sure you want to include them. Any other option could result in hurt feelings.

As for including the older grandchildren, I believe it should be up to each child when they'd like to join. After all, gift-giving should be voluntary! And I agree that young adults are not in a financial position to spend any predetermined amount on a gift - in which case it puts another burden on the parents to help them. The benefit of picking names is lost if parents with three young adults have to buy three more gifts. In our family most of us (but not all) chose to give to nieces and nephews through college, knowing they were not in a position to spend any amount on a gift. After that, some volunteered to join, and some opted out. Maybe you could explain to the rest of the family that you understand that it would cut down on expenses, but no one is required to give a gift to the older children if they don't want to, and that until the kids feel they are ready and willing to join, they won't. Gift giving loses it's meaning when prior agreements made for fun turn into 'rules'.

Another way our gift exchange has evolved is that some of the kids who didn't feel ready to join the exchange have made small gifts such as baked goods or ornaments to give to everyone. They may not be old enough to be financially able, but they are certainly old enough to find some way to express appreciation for their family, and to understand that once they turn 18 some family members may choose not to continue giving them gifts. I agree that the important thing about the holidays is being together. And the older I get, the more important being together becomes, and the less important the gifts.

Denise, why not decide for a no-gift policy in this year of crisis? In our family, for the first time ever, we have decided that we will buy gifts only for the little people.

An alternative could be one gift per person within the range you indicate (although, really, you can buy very nice stuff for less than 10 $). A friend of mine was telling me that that's what they have always done in their family. Each person gets to express a wish, which is written down on paper. All "wishes" are equally distributed among relatives, so that each buys and receives ONE gift. And each gift is ideally given by the entire family united. It seems like a reasonable way to enjoy Christmas, help the economy and avoid an unreasonable waste of money.
Hope it helps,
M.

Hi Denise,

Gotta love the Holidays, don't cha'?!!!!

Anyway, here's my 2 cents:

I don't think there is a problem that the older kids are now "let into" the gift exchange. It's up to their parents to help them if they need it. The price should be "what is affordable for each person, and not a specific range (although yours seems very reasonable).

I do have a problem with the "other couple" being a part of the gift exchange. They are not even family, and they shouldn't be expected, or even asked to participate.

If your family wants to include them somehow, then do an "Elephant Gift Exchange" instead. Do you know what that is? It's an exchange of "unwanted" and funny gifts without a designated name on them. Everyone just brings one wrapped and you takes turns (by drawing #'s) picking one from the group.

Or even an Ornament Exchange, but NOT the family gift exchange.

I don't mean to make you even more bothered inside, but my family has done a gift exchange for years, also, and NEVER have we let anyone in, except for family. The older kids are now "included"

Good Luck, Denise! Happy Holidays!

~N. :o)

Denise,
This year's awful economy is the perfect scapegoat. I'd blame it and suggest that for that reason everyone should keep things small. I love the gift swap ideas you have received!
I'll bet that most everyone involved will be relieved. Some of my family have expressed this sentiment to me and it has been a gift in itself.

It's Christmas and it's the season of giving, right? It may be their choice to not be with their family, but why make them feel uncomfortable and unwanted in your home? THink about how you would feel if you were the visiting couple and everyone was opening something around you. But you were left out.

I have a large family so what we do for Christmas is either do a name draw for anyone 19 or older or everyone 19 or older brings a gift around $50 and we do the gift steal game. Everyone then buys a gift for all the kids 18 and under. The families that are better off than some usually buy gifts for everyone. I would also include the couple coming from out of state in all the plans we do.