BIL And SIL Don't Want to Do Gift Exchange

My family made the same decision, not to exchange gifts with the adults. But my sister and I still like to exchange with each other, so we do it privately, out of respect for those who can't/don't want to. Seems pretty obvious to me.

ETA: and I would NOT give them something to open -- that would simply make things worse! Because then they're receiving and not giving, which is even worse.

I think this is something you have to manage to ignore. They are free to opt out of the gift exchange, but that certainly doesn't mean that the rest of you have to follow suit. They are being unreasonable.

The best thing my large in-law family ever did was decide to stop the gift exchange. Such a relief not to buy for 20-some people! We do buy my MIL a gift, but don't give it to her at the family party. My two SILs exchange gifts among themselves and I find that awkward - sometimes they bring them to the party, sometimes not. Still, if we're not exchanging gifts among the whole family, I don't see why they feel the need to.

Of course your BIL and SIL are upset. I'd be upset, too. They are completely left out.

Can Christmas still be joyous and not about giving presents?

When your FIL tried to talk to them, what did he say? Did he try to talk them into participating again? Did he try to talk them into just being ok with all of you exchanging gifts? Or did he ask them if there was a level of gift giving that they would be comfortable with?

Sounds like they are ok with buying gifts for the kids. Why not leave it at that.

Maybe you could break out the board games, and have family game night after the children open their presents.

Think about a way that you can compromise. What can you offer them.

Christmas is supposed to be joyous. What can you do to make it joyous for everyone, including BIL and SIL?

ETA - After reading your update, I think you have to let it go. How they choose to spend their money is their business. They don't want to exchange gifts. They also don't want to feel left out. You're not going to make them suddenly be ok with you exchaging gifts without them, and you're not going to convince them to participate. So you have a decision to make:

1. Exchange gifts and accept that they will feel left out whether you agree with their feelings or not.

2. Stop exchanging gifts.

You have to decide what you want to do. You're not going to change the way they feel. You can only change you.

I think if someone hasn't specifically said, "We respect that you do not want to exchange gifts, but please respect that the rest of us DO want to exchange them" then it should be said. They cannot dictate your gift giving, just like you cannot dictate theirs. I find it very odd that they want to pull all the strings and then get upset when people try to be respectful by exchanging on the side when they are not around.

Are they in or out? And if they are out, then they need to stay OUT of your gifting. I would not give them something if they don't want it, but I wouldn't let them tell me I couldn't give someone a gift.

Be sensitive to them.
Exchange your other gifts before or after the family gathering.
I don't see why this is a big deal.
We don't give gifts for a public reaction, right?

ETA: So...the real issue is they spend too much money on themselves at Christmastime and none on you? Yeah....totally out of your sphere of influence. <eye roll>

So what if they get upset?!?!
You are respecting their wishes, their situation, now it's about time that they respect yours! And if they can't, just ignore them :)

You tell them-- I am sorry you don't want to exchange gifts. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, come after 4 when we have already exchanged them etc. Or something to that effect. If they blatantly show their unhappiness--ignore it and enjoy yourself. They are the party poopers. Don't let it ruin your holiday.

I would imagine it makes them feel left out and not worth much. So if you are doing your gift exchanges with them present that's sort of like a slap in the face.

They probably feel horrible about it and really like they stood out for not buying for everyone.

So my suggestion is that do your gift exchange with everyone else when they are not present or going to be present. If everyone gets together at 4 to exchange gifts plan on doing your gift exchange with the other siblings before the other family arrives or after the other family leaves for the day.

Don't worry about it. If your father in law has already talked to him and he's still not budging with his behavior it's his problem. You should not have to sacrifice giving gifts to anyone because they don't feel they can. They just probably feel guilty.

Wow, they sound really immature. Our family gift exchange has always been optional, and certainly there were years when a few people couldn't participate, but there were never any hard feelings.
I would keep doing the exchange if you all truly enjoy it, they need to grow up and get over it.

Everybody has their limits on gifting. They have met their limits, you have not. My sister has gone over and above my limits every year. I struggled with it at first and still try to meet her needs for gifts but really, I realized I can't compete, don't want to compete and am not going to feel bad about it.
Finally this year with her kids and 6 grandkids she cut back a bit on our gifts. It's a relief.
It's going to continue to be awakward. No one person is right and nobody is comfortable. Your FIL didn't resolve anything. You are not compromising either. I guess until someone gives the gift of compromise, you are going to continue to be at odds. Won't that be silly.

They need to understand that they do not get to control everyone else's Christmas. If they don't want to purchase gifts for others based on their financial needs, that's fine. But they don't get to tell others for whom they may buy.

I would communicate with them. Tell them outright that they can do THEIR gift exchange however they like, but the rest of the family doesn't agree and will be exchanging gifts with whomever they see fit.

Merry Christmas.

♥
C. Lee

Sorry, but that's funny. I would just laugh at them, because they are being ridiculous.

My family buys gifts for the kids first - my daughter, my niece, and my nephew.
My parents and my sister and BIL can afford more than I can, and that's fine. I don't try to match their spending. I do what I can afford to do.
Then we do for the adults. Again, my parents and my sister and BIL can afford more than I can. Many years, the adults in my family got baked goods from me because I could buy a bag of flour and a bag of sugar very cheap, and make a ton of different baked goods by adding nuts, chocolate chips, oats, or peanut butter. That was fine.
It's not (or shouldn't be) about the total on the receipt). It is (or should be) about doing something for someone else that they will like.

You are living my life. We have gone from let's just do couple gifts, to just the children, this year my husband and I hadn't heard anything from anyone at Thanksgiving and we bought a couple gift for his sister and BIL and then since his brother is divorcing, a gift for just him. A few weeks ago, my MIL says no gifts for adults - we told her gifts were already purchased and while we do not expect anything in return we are going to give the well thought out and well intentioned gifts. Do what you want regarding gifts and tell them that if they were polite they would just say thank you. Merry Christmas!

I actually do get where they are coming from. As our families have grown it has gotten difficult to buy for everyone. Maybe the don't manage money well, but they did ask and you did agree to not buy presents for the adults. If you said you weren't going to do it and then did for some of the adults it does look strange and seems like you went back on the agreement. If you aren't comfrotable with not buying gifts - tell them! Honestly, the $5 gift exchange or drawing from hats is great to help with that. My husbands family is big enough now that we stopped buying for the adults too. We also just buy for the kids and his Mom and her husband now. Really, we love it as we don't feel like we need gifts. I am actually happier if you buy my kid something than me. I don't really care. There are so many other ways to show the Christmas spirit.

J., the best thing that you and your family can do is ignore them on this issue. You cannot let them hold the rest of the family hostage where gift giving is concerned. It is nice of you to exchange the gifts while they are not present. Keep doing that.

You should not care one wit what they buy for themselves. I think that it is fine for them to only buy for the kids. The problem is that they want to push their views on everyone else, and they shouldn't be doing that.

Dawn

Sounds like it’s time for a really CANDID talk with your BIL and SIL.

Get a family consensus of what everyone WANTS to do.

Then, the convo with BIL/SIL goes a little something like this:

"We respect your right to participate or not participate in Christmas gift giving. We also need you to respect our wishes. This is what we want to do this year: *insert consensus here*. If you want to participate, we would love to have you. If you do not, we totally understand and respect that decision, and ask that you also respect our decision."

The end. If they can't deal, then that is their problem. They don’t have the right to dictate what everyone else does and make it all awkward for everyone else. But you also should not let it be the elephant in the room and suck up all the holiday cheer right?

You say they're spending a lot of money on their own family, but have you considered that they're probably spending CREDIT and going into debt in order to buy all of those things? That's like taking out a loan in order to buy Christmas gifts.

If they don't want to participate in the extended family exchange, that's fine. It shouldn't be any skin off your nose. They don't have the right to ask that no one else participate in a family exchange, though. That's just rude. I have a feeling that the reason behind it is so that their own children don't feel left out or jealous and so that they don't have to explain it to their children.

Don't do it behind their backs. Just do it. Explain to them that they're welcome to participate or not, but the rest of the family plans to do it. They can choose their reaction to that and it's not your job to placate them and make sure that they're all right with it.

Why can't you guys exchange gifts if you want to at another time, without them present?

We don't exchange adult gifts. This will also be the first Christmas where we don't make exceptions as we have done in past, which is to say, we gave to my son's godmother , uncle... etc etc..

Nope, this year, we said, our present to you adults is the great meal that we are cooking... That alone costs and take a TREMENDOUS amount of effort. We told people we are only focusing on the kids.

To be honest, I have to constantly STOP myself from wanting to buy something (even IF just small) for an adult.. but I don't.. I am sticking to my plan.. This plan also includes just ONE dessert.. yep, no gluttony this year...

I see it this way... IF you don't like MY plan.. host Christmas yourself.. I'd be happy to pass along all the hard work and effort that goes into it....

While I am not intending to control others, a host does have FIRST option (as I see it) to say what goes on in their home............ :)

I will also add that before I started working my own 12 step program, I'd have been someone who would feel guilty IF I didn't buy gifts when everyone else did.... However , now 2 months into MY program.. I am ok with it.. yes, even IF they do it at my house... I figure I can't truly control others.. BUT I can control how I feel and react..

Bottomline......... if your BIL/SIL aren't hosting... then they can take it or leave it..

Also, in terms of you... try and not count other peoples' money... what they do with theirs is their biz... which also means, if YOU choose to spend yours on gifts, then so be it.......... you have every right... this is all more about a power struggle than gift giving....

good luck

Seems they can't or don't want to exchange but also don't want to feel left out. My husband's mom's side of the family used to buy for everyone (which does get really expensive for all of us).

I think sometimes the normal has to evolve to suit the current needs of the group. Many years ago we switched it to the adults exchanged names and then everyone bought for the kids. Then we switched to the adults exchanged names and the kids exchanged names. Last year or two we switched to just buying for the kids. Right now, there are only three kids under age 10. My six year old has received nothing the last 3 years while the now 10 year old has (she's our niece). It's not about the gifts but tell me how you are "buying for just kids" and buy for the 9 year old and not the 5 year old? So on my part, it has cause a bit a sore spot and I would just assume skip all gift giving for this part of the family (not my direct inlaws because we do that on Christmas Eve and that is different).

My sisters and brother and I stopped exchanging gifts a few years ago but still buy for the kids. Money is tight for all.

If there's no pleasing some people, don't worry about pleasing them.
If they are determined to be upset - they WILL be upset no matter what anyone else does.
They can not dictate who gives/gets gifts.
They are entitled to feel grumpy if they want to but you don't have to let their mood affect yours.
So what if their nose is out of joint?
Too bad! So Sad!
Now pass the eggnog and have a Merry Christmas!

I agree that the majority rules on this. I am like you and love to give gifts. I could care less if I receive. AND I do not keep score.

Christmas over the years has become smaller and smaller.

My sister does not give gifts.. she says she cannot afford them, and we do not care. I still gave a gift to her and to her kids.. She does give gifts to her boyfriends family.. Fine with me.

Then she told my mom, I was just trying to show her up.. Give me a break..
So, I no longer give my sister a gift and only give to her children. She can think anything she wants. i do not care, but if she does not want to give to us, we REALLY do not care. We love giving to my niece and nephew..

I assume you aren't exchanging $100 gifts per person. Our limit is $20 or $25, and we can manage to do it even though we now have 2 kids in my immediate family in my family instead of just 2 adults. It just means I eat out less in December, or buy fewer coffees. I don't understand why they can't manage to buy $40 in gifts unless they have 6 kids and have to buy 8 presents. I would exchange presents before they got there so they don't awkwardly have to sit and watch everyone else open presents. Maybe tell them you're meeting at 3 for Christmas, and everyone else gets there at 2 or 2:30 for the exchange part of the day?

My advice would be to ignore them and if they make comments then let them know that while they decided not to exchange presents, as is their choice, the rest of the family has decided to exchange presents. One family does not get to dictate how everyone else celebrates. They are free to arrive after the presents are exchanged or leave early before presents are exchanges.

So they dont want to exchange presents so nobody can?? Just continue with your xmas and ignore them. I dont believe they cant do presents either. Even if you dont have money, you could always bake cookies or give something like a 'coupon' saying I will babysit for you anytime or something.

Well you can't make everyone happy.

My family is large and most of my siblings have been very successful. I'm very happy for them. I am! I choose to not participate in gift exchanges because well they don't need anything and we are far from well off and I'd rather spend the money on my children. That is my decision and they all are like you and don't care.

I will say that come gift exchange time I feel awkward. Why? I have no clue. I start to think about what they "could' be thinking. Sure I know in the light of day they aren't but I just feel awkward sitting there while they do gift exchanges... even though this is my decision.

What I do is excuse myself and go get something to eat or freshen up if I start feeling funny. I recognize it's just me not anyone else.

I would suggest putting on an invite a schedule. We always do because our family is so big. It's something like food will be served at this time, gift exchange at this time, dessert at this time. That way if it's a deal to them they know when gift giving is being done and they can come after that. Otherwise if you do everything to make them comfortable and it's there decision to not participate ... well it goes back to you can't make everyone happy and ignore them.

I would tell them outright ahead of the game saying "We are going to exchange presents between us, if you would like to be included, please let us know so we can purchase." If they say they don't and think you shouldn't just say "You can choose who you buy for, we can choose who we buy for" In our family we drew names and when money got hard for a lot of us we stopped exchanging with anyone other then our own children, grandchildren and parents. My husbands family consists of his parents, his sister and her children and grandchildren and our family. We use to exchange all the gifts but when the kids got older and money got tough we just bought for the nieces and nephews and the parents. Now all the kids are grown with their own little ones we only buy for the great neices and nephews and my fil and mil. It is agreed on between all of us. When I am sewing I might go ahead and give everyone a gift I made but in no way expect anything in return.

Perhaps you can suggest homemade gifts between all the siblings rather then store bought. It wouldn't leave anyone out and not be expensive.

I wouldnt stress on it too much! It's their issue/problem not yours, I would keep doing what you are doing. My husbands family does a draw a name gift exchange too, and I chose not to participate, but I dont expect that no one else does either. :)

What we do in our family is buy for the nieces/nephews $20-$25 dollars max and the adults all exchange little gift bags with perhaps a bottle of wine and some cookies. That is one gift bag per couple by the way NOT each and we spend max $10 on it. I even do this with my best friend and her kids. It has really saved us a lot of money.

If they are still mad when you do it privately (how do they know this by the way) thats their problem. :-)

They are being unreasonable and I wouldn't pay attention to it. If they don't want to be part of the exchange, that is their perogative, but the rest of you do, so go for it. Don't feel awkward - it's their CHOICE.

Is your gift exchange and opening happening in front of everyone? If so, even though they opted out, they're probably embarrassed that they're not able to participate, and it is awkward for them to sit there with nothing to give or to open. Maybe you could give them something to open, like homemade baked goods, wrapped up, so that they don't feel left out.

ETA: The following year they can take a hint and do something similar--surely they can afford to make a batch of cookies or some banana bread?

Well maybe they can make something then.
A homemade thing.
Or they just don't want to.
Is it only with your side of the family that they have instituted this "rule?"
What do they do with the other side of their family????
I mean, your BIL and his wife, has his family and then, her, family.
So, do they do this non-gifting rule, with his Wife's family, too???
Maybe, they still do give gifts to her/his Wife's side of the family... then when it comes to his side of the family... they have a different rule.
Who knows.
But regardless, having to get gifts for all and every single person in a family... for both the wife's and Husband's side of the family... is a TON of money. Not to mention, the kids and their friends and/or Teachers etc.
So, the entire picture, is not evident... because this is their choice for themselves of no-gifting, to the adults and/or the children in the family.

But the grab bag thing where you purchase a gift for that one person you draw a name for, is good. I mean, that is ONLY ONE PERSON to buy something for. But your BIL and SIL don't even want to do that, now. Either.

Oh well.
They just want NO gifting period for everyone.
But they cannot dictate that.
Just ignore them.
But, someone or all of you just has to tell them... what the issue is.
And how their expectations... of EVERYONE is a rain on their parade.
They don't have to get gifts. But the rest of you can.

I don't see how they can give a blanket rule or decree on whether or not you and your hubby buy gifts for adults. You can do as you please, it's your money. This is ridiculous. That's like them saying, we don't eat meat, so for Christmas there should be no meat. This is crazy and you would be crazy to go along with this rule. I would not exhange gifts behind their backs and would do it along with the other gift exchange. People like giving gifts, but I have noticed that when people can't give gifts, like they use to, they become very angry about it.