Getting Married - Chicago,IL

If he's telling you the truth, then that's all you can ask for.

You will lose if you push the issue.

& that means it's time for some serious questions:

are you two really on the same page? Do you want the same from life? How much are you together now & how would marriage change that?

& since I've been married for 30+ years, 19 months doesn't seem that long. :) Peace to you.

Pretty much what this tells you is he had the same thing with his ex and then got married and it all changed. There are a lot of women out there that are the I got the ring so I don't have to try anymore.

It is scary, ya know?

Over time he will get you aren't going to change or you will change and prove his point. Either way you apparently haven't reached the time line where she changed.

Doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it just means he loves you the way you are and is scared it will change.

Well... you can't break promises you never make. But you can't keep them either, and you'll never know how great it is to keep promises.

However, your boyfriend doesn't seem to be interested. Why not? Is he happy with the status quo? There used to be a name for that. Are you just a great-for-now option in his life? There's a name for that, too.

You *don't* want to make serious promises to (or expect serious promises from) a man who thinks marriage would ruin his life.

If you want to be with him then stay with him, if you want to leave then leave. I have been with the same man, happily, for 7.5 yrs, just last fall he "put a ring on it" so to speak, but we still have no official plans of when or how to get married. We both want to be here and be with each other so we are, he and I both have our concerns about marriage, different ones but they both run along the lines of we do not want to divorce - and as Mary L. said "you can't break promises you never make." that was our spin on it for a while ... we are looking forward to "... how great it is to keep promises." now, if only we could figure out the best way for US to do the celebration part.

Still in the end, if you want to be with him then do, if you MUST GET MARRIED and he is not on that page then walk away.

This probably isn't what you want to hear, but if he doesn't want to talk marriage, then stop talking marriage. For at least a year, maybe 3 or even 5. It's possible to badger someone into a marriage, but not into a happy marriage. And some of the happiest couples I know (together for decades) never bothered to tie the knot. Leave the topic alone. Once you have more years and history together, the question may mean something different to him.

i've never seen someone write the months=)

I'd say you have to determine how important it is to you. For M. I got out of my marriage because I believe in marriage and the sanctity(sp) of it. I know I want to get married to the right person who takes it seriously. For M. this would be a deal breaker...but to each thier own. Decide where you are on this issue and then decide if you both need to let it go or take time apart to think

Well, he's not as serious as you are. You want to, he does not.

Give it a rest for now. Sometimes, people are not on the exact same page, at the exact same time. Especially, when marriage failures and hurt are involved. I'm not saying you have to wait years, for what you want!! Don't mention it for a few months, and bring it up down the road. Perhaps, a break from this discussion will bring new perspective. Now, if it's not a being scared of marriage failure thing...and he truly just doesn't want to get married at all...you have some important decisions to make. If he is just not going to marry you, then it's clearly not going to work with him. Unless, you are OK with not being married.

Maybe he's serious; maybe he's not serious. All this means is that he likes things the way they are. I would not want to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to me, no matter how much love and history is between us. Many married people find themselves in big messes because they didn't listen when someone said, "I don't want to get married." If it's that important to you, seek counseling and see if you can get to the root of his feelings. Do NOT try to convince him to marry you.

A year and a half is not that long. I am about to be married for the second time and we have been together for almost 2. Like you, I knew right away and was ready. Fortunately, my SO is now on the same page but it wouldn't have been surprising if he needed another year or two to come around. My SO has just gotten over his fears - mainly of having another broken home. Talk to him to understand where he is coming from (do not try to convince him). Then, as others have said, you need to decide if you can let it go for awhile and give it some time. One or two years can make a huge difference and it really isn't that long. You want to both be 100% in. Good luck!

You need to decide how important marriage is to you, and why your boyfriend doesn't want to get married. Is he looking to move on? Is he scared of commitment? Maybe he IS less serious than you are. Think about why you want to get married versus just dating and talk to him about why you think marriage is a good idea. Then find out why he thinks it isn't. You may have very different goals... and it's worth exploring so you know.

"It almost makes me think he's not as serious as I am."
You're right.

Have you ever read "He's Just Not That Into You"?
The premise is that even die-hard, confirmed bachelors will fall head over heels and RUN down the aisle if you are "The O." they cannot imagine living without.

So, if you can accept a permanent dating relationship, then enjoy what you have. And stop talking marriage.
But if you want to get married again at some point i n your life--you're clearly barking up the wrong tree.

No O. should ever need to be "convinced" to get married!
Good luck!

I think it might be helpful to try to look at this from another point of view. I myself am divorced. My second divorce was extremely painful and left me with a LOT of healing to do...for a long time, the thought of getting married (and willingly putting myself in the position to go through that again) actually gave me a physical fear reaction. Stomach cramps, clamminess, increased heartrate, etc. I knew I would one day date, I knew I didn't want to be alone for the rest of my life, I knew one day I would probably have the desire to be in a committed, long term relationship, BUT, the idea of ever getting married again was TERRIFYING to me.

I am still on the fence about marriage ever being in my future :) but at least it doesn't bring fear to my heart anymore, and I can have the idea in my head without experiencing a fight/flight reaction, lol...

Having said that, maybe your boyfriend has similar feelings regarding marriage? That would make a lot of sense to me. I've been married twice, and for me, both times, getting married did ruin it, so I see where he's coming from.

Both my husband and I were married before as well and we both wanted to wait a while before marrying each other. At 19 months, we were not ready to be married again, we dated for 3 years before tieing the knot. But we were very committed to each other and being married and having a family was something we both wanted - there was no question about that.

You just need to understand why he is staying this. Is he committed to you but just not ready or is he stringing you along? Conversations need to be had about intentions and why you are in this relationship. He will not come out and say "I'm not into you enough to marry you" or "Nope never going to happen" You have to read between the lines.

Make sure he knows your intentions - even if it's not to get married right now, but some day - and go from there. Beware of him stringing you along though - if he's not willing to come up with a plan for marriage that is right for both of you, then you need to decide if this is the relationship for you.

Good thought! If the committment of marriage means something to you, then it might be time to move on if your boyfriend does not want the same.

If you have different goals in life than he does then he may not be the one for you. You may resent him years down the road for not getting married. If you push him into marriage he may resent you down the road. Decide what's most important. Remind him just because he had a bad marriage in the past doesn't mean the next one will be as well. He wasn't with the right person before, or he or they didn't have the skills to manage a marriage. Marriage is committment. If he cannot be fully committed to you and that's ok, then don't get married. Sounds like he's afraid but also wants that backdoor open. Must be nice to have his cake and eat it too.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

He's definitely not ready, and really there shouldn't be a rush. It's possible that he has his own reasons, could be financial, and if you marry him, you inherit his debt. My bf and I have been together for 6 years now and neither of us is in a rush, but we both had marriages that were long and left each of us feeling really disillusioned and disappointed. He has been talking about it more but i know he has a couple things in his financial past that i definitely want to avoid paying for. I know you are disappointed but give him space & time and hopefully he will change his mind (or you will change yours). Good luck!

Instead of saying you should get married, start a conversation with him about how you feel about each other. Then go from there. If you want to be in a committed relationship but there are fears, perhaps relationship counseling might help. If getting married is a deal-breaker, you need to know. Good luck!

I am happily married but lets be honest, dating is more fun than marriage! lol
I am assuming you have kids, does he? If he does not or his kids are older and out of the house, that may be a reason. If you are having a good time dating and love this man, why not keep things the way they are? Is there a rush? Are you wanting to get married so that you can live with him and have him be a bigger part of your life? If you have kids in the house and he spends more time with you, alone, than with the kids, marriage would be a big deal. Less than two years seems pretty quick to want to marry someone but if you know, you know. What were the details surrounding his divorce? If he loved his first wife and things went really bad, that could be a big reason for him not to get married again. There are so many factors that play in to deciding whether to walk away or stick in there. Just going by your post, if he his saying "I don't think so", IMO you should back off. Give it more time. Have fun dating. If things are meant to be, they will happen when the time is right.

You can never convince anyone to get married.
No matter what their history was.

So you either stick with it and keep hoping he will want to get married one day. Or you leave.
Or you stay as boyfriend and girlfriend.

He told you "I don't think so" and then blows it off.
So that is your answer.
That is a no.

You don't know a person until after 3 years. 19 months is too soon, why rush getting married especially if he was divorced twice?