Friendship Woes in 1St Grade!

Let her know - friends come and go.
You handled it fine - and it's best not to get too emotionally involved with these things.
It's like getting majorly upset every time sand shifts - and that's just too much drama.

Whether she's bright or not isn't at play here. Social skills have little to do with intellectual abilities. So I'd set that aside.

This is why little kids shouldn't have BFFs or discuss BFFs - they can't handle the jealousy, and they are just learning the social skills that allow them to play with a group. Think of really little kids who don't have friends at all - at a play date, they just do parallel play. Then they get a little older and can play with one kid, but if you put a third into the mix, they all fall apart. Then they get to kindergarten and first grade, and they have a big classroom of, say, 23 kids instead of the typical preschool classroom of 9. That's overwhelming, and they don't all have the skills yet needed to handle multiple relationships. They know how to deal with that one special friend, but other kids with other styles and other interests baffle them. Your daughter's friend has started to develop these skills ahead of your daughter. Your daughter is working on other things and may be "ahead" of the friend in many other areas, but not in this one.

I think parents do best by doing 2 things: staying out of it as much as possible, and encouraging children to "be a friend to get a friend." As much as your daughter feels left out, she's missing out on other friends, and she's ignoring other kids who are probably sitting and feeling as alone as she does. Help her to BE a friend to another kid, or 2 or 3 or 7, and she will have more friend herself. She can't force her old BFF to play with her, and her only solution (typical for 6 year olds) is to leave the 3rd child alone to keep her BFF as a BFF. The point to make is that kids this age can't really have BFFs if they don't have experience with other friends. I'd find a way to phrase your good advice to "be yourself" so it doesn't come across as "keep doing everything the way you have been doing it." Kids sometimes see "being myself" as "doing things my way" - they figure out, as they get older, that it doesn't work that way. If you can help her learn that having many friends is just as desirable as having just one, and that kids develop new interests, you'll get ahead of the game. But seeing our kids with hurt feelings, while hard, has to be seen as part of their normal development. Those who never have difficulty just don't turn into full human beings. I know it's hard to look at sadness as a character-builder, but it is.

Beyond that, I wouldn't put too much emphasis on this or let her make it too dramatic. That doesn't mean ignoring her feelings or discounting them, especially if she is more introverted and doesn't open up much, but helping her dwell on them won't pull her out of her funk. While someone is looking at their feet all the time, they miss what's going on in the sky, you know? So she's missing some pretty awesome kids by only focusing on this one. So get her to look at ALL the kids around her, and not just focus on finding one new BFF, lest this happen again. Good luck.

While this is hard, mom, she's got to walk her own path. I wouldn't try to 'fix' this for her, just be there, listen to her, and let her know that she's still a wonderful person even if her friend is making new friends now. My son was 'dumped' by his buddy in second grade (the child then became very mean to him and is to this day, sadly)-- I listened to my boy, urged him to accept this new reality, agreed with him that yeah, it feels bad when someone you were close to isn't friendly any more, and encouraged him to find new kids to play with. He ended up becoming dear friends with another boy whose buddy had just moved. We'll likely go through some of his again as this new friend will be moving at the end of the year. The point of it is that we teach them resilience through all of this. Honor their emotions but don't get stuck in them. Let them know that this will feel better as time goes by. Please encourage her to join her other friends and *don't* bring up 'best friends' for a while.

Friendships up until 3rd grade are often in flux (buddies one day, at odds the next-- due to their immaturity) so we don't want to assign language and designations to friendships. My son talks about his 5 'best' friends from time to time. I stay away from those words for him, myself. It puts too much importance on those particular people at a time when children are moving in and out of each others lives with some rapidity.

Great advice below, can't really add to it. Love Diane's advice about be a friend to make friends. Really helpful if she feels a bit rejected right now.

I never liked the whole BFF thing for this reason. My kids didn't really have BFF's until older - and they still don't refer to them as that, more so the kids they've known forever and are very compatible with. Good old friends that stand the test of time. I just think the BFF label puts pressure on kids.

Regardless, she feels rejected (naturally) and I think you handled it well. If the girls are really compatible, of course they will drift back together probably sooner than later. It's too bad all three of them can't eat lunch together - sometimes our kids are kind of possessive and don't want to share their friends. So if I was going to counsel my child, I'd probably say that it's ok for their friends to have other friends. No reason your child can't become friendly with the third friend too. Sometimes that doesn't work out but you want to avoid the resenting the third friend scenario (doesn't sound like she does, but it sometimes goes that way if they feel jealous). One of mine got all bent out of sorts when his good bud hung out with another child and mine then acted like a total doofus. No one was impressed. So I basically explained if you act possessive, that's a real turn off. Thankfully that was a learning experience and his friend didn't hold it against him and they are pals to this day.

I recently had a mom approach me for playdates because her child was in a similar situation to yours (her closest friend was now friendly with another and they were both put out). I'm ok to keep it light and have the kids be friends, but I think moms should stay out of it as much as possible. What happened was this girl is back being friends with her BFF and now mine is ignored. Mine is fine (another learning lesson) but the point is, these things tend to resolve on their own - and moms shouldn't get too involved. It's a shame though some kids can only have one friend at a time.

Good luck :)

Your daughter will follow your cues, so you have to acknowledge her feelings, but then you have to keep it light. If you make this very natural occurrence seem terrible, she will feel worse. "I know it's sad when Suzy is playing with Sally instead of you, but you have many other friends. Just go play with Mary instead."

It is very normal for this to happen in elementary school. Every year, my daughter and her friends always became closer with the friends who were in their same classroom, and those were the friends who they tended to play with most that year. The following year the friendships would shift again, as they went to new classrooms.

It's normal, remember that. You don't need to make overly dramatic statements about "staying strong" etc., as these might make this situation feel worse for your daughter than it really is. As others below said, friendships change all throughout life.

I agree with Diane, her "brightness" has nothing to do with her ability to socialize.

She is just 6, friends will come and go ALL through her life, just like they do for you.

I feel it is important to not make such a big deal over it and certainly not get so emotional about it. It is important for her to have several friends, not just 1. When children this young associate themselves with 1 BFF, they are setting themselves up for hurt along the way. People change, friends change and there is NOTHING wrong with that. You learn to go with the flow and grow instead of getting bent out of shape because someone wants to sit or play with someone else for a change.

Yes, everything will be ok. This is a part of growing up. As a mom, do your best to be supportive but stay out of her relationships. TOO many parents feel the need to be too involved in children's friendships and that does not help the children.

My daughter and her closest friend were in the same classroom every year from the time they were infants through 1st grade. I was very glad when they were separated in 2nd grade. I like her friend, but there are things about her that I find disrespectful (purposely calling my husband by the wrong name as one example). I was also seeing my daughter kind of getting stuck with just that one friend. I had the same best friend all through elementary and middle school. We had a huge fight our freshman year and never spoke again. I was devastated. I didn't want the same thing happening to my daughter. 2nd grade was a little hard for them, but they overcame it. I didn't do anything to "fix" it. We planned some play dates for them, they continued to go to Girl Scouts together, and I encouraged her to make some new friends. Now in 3rd grade, they aren't as close as they were, but my daughter has a lot more friends now. I think she is better off now.

well, YOU know that nothing will erode the friendship more quickly than your daughter clinging and crying. i'm glad you held back your own tears. it's understandable (none of us like seeing our kids hurting) but the very very very last thing you want to do is to let this get bigger and more dramatic in your daughter's mind.

letting her speak and work through it is great. and what you told her is fine. now just a couple of practical tools she can use to help her through the bad bits, whether it's carrying a 'worry stone' in her pocket (a particular favorite of my younger's) that she can rub when she's seeing her friend with her new friend and feeling sad. or a little mantra like 'old friend is a little rainy, new friends will bring sun againy' (okay that sucks, find a better one). or a goal to smile and say something nice to one new person in her class each day, which could open the door to her next best friendship.

but do NOT fall into the all-too-common and predictable pattern of trying to over-manage this. it's a very natural part of growing up, and almost all kids do (and should) experience this and learn from it that they are stronger and more resourceful than when they were smaller.

and you didn't mention it so you're probably not going there, but just a word to the wise- don't trash her old friend to her or encourage her to do so as her coping technique. it seems wack, but i see it ALL THE TIME.

all in all, it's a good thing. a hard thing, but a good thing.
khairete
S.

This is very hard to see your daughter going through this, but it is VERY common and seems to happen to almost every kid. Start inviting over girls in her class for one on one playdates to encourage her to bond and get closer to some of them. Invite over her BFF for one on one playdates too. Keep reminding her that she (and her BFF) can have more than one best friend, friendships are always changing, and it's always good to make more new friends. It's just a hard life lesson. This may happen over and over again in life so it's good to try to teach her how to handle it.

I can relate to a child who doesn't open up much. Makes you really eager to hear when they do choose to open up!

Remember, it might be a big deal to her, but that doesn't make it a big deal. I don't mean to minimize what she's feeling or what she's going through. You absolutely want to take her seriously and sincerely listen to her. Just keep in mind that that doesn't necessarily mean that the situation is a big deal. She's learning to navigate the social world, and its very new and very scary at her age.

Listen to her. Validate her feelings. Maybe help point her in a positive direction. Then let it go. Know that this is very normal and part of being a first grader :-)

My daughter is a sophomore in HS. She has 7 teachers and different lunch breaks. It seems she has to make new friends each year because of these changes. And she does. And she has Asperger's on top of that with social issues.

There are occasions through life when things change. You move, your friends move, classes change, you get a different job, your friend gets a different job, marriages, divorces, deaths, etc. Life is full of these changes.

When these things happen to your daughter is when you need to explain to her that life is full of these changes and she needs to learn to adjust herself to them. It's ok to be upset and cry because you are upset and sad, but then you make a new plan and figure out how to fix it. You don't stay sad and in that place. You start making friends in your new class, job, town...

Until they graduate from high school, their school friends are their whole world. So you can't really dismiss her feelings about that and she is still little. Just start explaining to her the big picture so she knows to expect these changes and start teaching her how to move forward positively when they happen. Good luck.