7 Year Old Daughter Seems Obsessed with Another Girl

This sounds pretty normal. The girls are learning how to relate with each other. Do not try to talk your daughter out of feeling excluded. She has to feel the consequences so that she will learn that the way she acts is a part of the problem.

I suggest talking with the mothers of Ally and Addy about what is going on. Are they also observing this? If not they don't know that their own daughters' behavior is not acceptable. Include a description of your daughter's inappropriateness along with their daughters'. Each mother has the responsibility to teach their daughter appropriate social behavior without making judgments. These girls don't know the appropriate behavior. They need guidelines from adults as well as the opportunity to feel first hand the results of the behavior whether it's appropriate or inappropriate.

I also suggest that you arrange play dates with other children so that your daughter can learn about having a relationship with a child on whom she isn't so dependent. I suggest that she focuses on one girl because she feels insecure and she admires something about these girls. She doesn't know how to relate to other girls. By providing varied play dates you're giving her the opportunity to have success in relationships which will increase her own confidence.

Perhaps you could enroll her in a dance class or tumbling or now that it's summer a swimming class. Success in new experiences can also increase her self-confidence.

My granddaughter recently turned 10 and has had similar experiences since first grade. Girls frequently pair up and exclude other girls. I see my role as grandma to help my granddaughter sort out her feelings in a way that not only allows her to see how she contributes to the situation but to also understand the dynamics. I ask questions and try very hard to not give answers. Over time I've found that the groups pair up, split up, pair up in a different ways, split up, on and on. No pair is a pair for very long.

I think I've helped my granddaughter to realize that the less attention she pays to anyone who is ignoring her the more likely that person is to coming back around to being her friend. Same for someone who picks on her. Ignore that person and she gets bored and moves on to someone who will respond.

It's so easy to get our own past experiences and pains mixed up with our daughter's and granddaughter's. Try looking at your daughter's situation only as your daughter's situation without connecting it to your own childhood experiences. Yes, on the surface they are similar but your daughter and these girls are different then you and the girls from your past. What remains the same is that these girls are learning how to get along and need your assistance.

My granddaughter goes to the same school as her mother attended. When my daughter, her mother, attended the school had a group for girls called a Friendship Group moderated by the school counselor. When my granddaughter began having difficulties I told the current school counselor about my daughter's group and she began a similar group in the present. It had helped my daughter and has helped my granddaughter and other girls learn much. The group consists of various aged girls and they share experiences and ideas and the counselor adds to them. I think one of the best parts of the group is that the girls are able to talk freely about how they feel and are able to search amongst themselves for possible solutions.

As an adult, when I've been with girls who taunted another girl, I told them that they were being mean and were to stop. I did this when my granddaughter was both doing the taunting and when she was the one being taunted. Kids learn how to behave from all of the adults in their lives. It is our responsibility to intervene when kids are acting inappropriately. I word what I say in a nonjudgmental way, usually expressing how I think the girls are feeling and the effect of what they say or do.

I've been a Girl Scout leader's helper, a playground volunteer, a YMCA volunteer an adult chaperone, and sometimes just another adult standing in a group.

You might want to consider inviting other girls in her class over for a "playdate" or ask the mom if they would like to meet at the park, a kid friendly restaurant,
or a movie. Whatever you do DON"T talk to the other kids and their parents about the problem you have come across with Addy & Ally. If their is a neighbor or female relative a little bit older than your daughter, have her over to be a "mom's helper" for a few hours, almost like a sitter, but you are home doing chores, and the older girl can hang out with your daughter. Your daughter might stop the baby talk and not be so easily exciteable when seeing how someone a little bit older than she behaves. Good Luck!!

This is a great opportunity to work with your daughter on how to: 1. deal with disappointments, 2. deal with mean kids, 3. have proper friendships.

Some girls are very clingy. I had several friends who wanted me to be their only friend at the exclusion of others. I had no idea how to handle it (and I was in high school by then), so allowed it to go on and influence other friendships negatively. In the end I had to cut the ties to the clingy girl too, and then try to mend the other friendships the clingy girl had encouraged me to destroy, and then years later I had to make up to the clingy girl for cutting her loose. It was a MESS. I did not have much opportunity to interact with other girls my age growing up and it would've helped for me to have this experience.

I'd suggest arranging some play dates with a new little girl and be really hands on in their interaction. Encourage their communication and play, play with them, etc... Then maybe add a third girl to the group and teach them how to play together as a group. This is something most parents neglect. Its easy to talk to our kids about doing this, but they don't get it and take their cues from each other. Kids can be SO MEAN!!! And most parents are uncomfortable or incapable of dealing with it. So work hard with your daughter so that she's the kind of girl that other girls want to play with. And that you know she can be!

Then you might want to share with Addy's mom (and Ally's too) that your daughter has some hurt feelings about feeling left out. Admit that your daughter needs to learn some social skills, but let her know she'd really like to be included with the other girls too, and that you're working hard with her on this. The moms might not want to take the time to work with their daughters and all you can do is ask. So if not, then just encourage other friendships with your daughter. If they are willing to work with their child, maybe after some time you can rebuild the friend ship and work together.

Its really important to supervise your kids play. Many people just want their kids to go play and get along on their own. Its just not going to happen. I'm not advocating for you to fight their battles for them, that would NOT be useful. I'm advocating for supervising their play, and encouraging them to practice and use better social skills.

Best wishes!

I think Marda's advice is excellent.

You may want to research Emotion Coaching for tips on how you can help your daughter deal with the emotional ups and downs of life. You can google this term for great links that explain the basics.

Good luck to you both. Growing up can be painful at times.

About your ""What Happened":

You are right, those are NOT the things to say to your daughter to make her feel better. You don't want to teach her to talk trash about people who don't like her or exclude her.

Keep directing her in a positive way. You may want to ask the school if they can put her in a classroom without those two girls, and maybe she can find a new friend. I always found that girls tended to play with kids they were in class with from year to year, regardless of who they were best friends with the previous year. If she isn't in the same classroom as they are, she will rarely see them and won't feel so excluded.

I just want to say I feel for your situation. Girl relationships are so hard. My oldest DD is 10 and she has fallen out with 2 of her closest friends from early elementary. They've become BFFs, lots of sleepovers, outings, etc, but neither of them seek out my DD any longer. It happens. If I were you, I would definitely ask her teacher that she placed in a different class next year, as she could use a little more space from these two. Then just keep her busy with activities and playdates with other girls. Encourage her to invest time with girls who she has fun with, and the girls she comes away from feeling uplifted, not deflated. She has choices. Point out the nice and considerate things other girls do and say. If you feel she's mature enough, she can invite a differernt friend for her own sleepover. Does she really like Girl Scouts? If she's flexible, consider dropping it and seeking out some other activities. Just keep trying to give her space away from these girls and more time with other peers and other activities. Good luck!

Your daughter sounds just like my GF's daughter. She is a sweet girl, 8 yrs old also talks the baby talk, gets too close and frankly is just gregarious. She will obsess and overwhelm a friend to the point they don't want her as a friend. She has a hard time making friends to start becasue she declares them BFF's in 2 seconds of meeting them. My GF says it's so hard to see her daughter getting rejected but no matter how many times she tells her to back off a little or don't be too clingy she does it anyway. she has spoken to her pedi about it, he thinks she will out grow it, but my friend feels otherwise. She fears when her daughter becomes a teen and how mean girls can be. But becasue of this she also believes her daughter is an avid reader and creative as heck, becasue she some how intuitively knows she will have to entertain herself. I'm sorry you daughter has to go through this and I am sorry those girls are being mean. But kids all want to be the same and different is hard to relate to, so these girls will get older and hopefully realize that different girls can be fun too!! Keep encouraging your daughter to make friends but try to give her boundaries so she doesn't cross them.

I don't think this is as bad as it seems. Really. They're only second graders. Maybe suggest to your daughter that kids do this kind of thing, and maybe it's time to hook up with another student. When Ally sees this maybe she'll change her tune. It's possible.

It's also possible that maybe Ally doesn't smile, etc because Addy is so overbearing and calling the shots. Addy seems like the controller and in charge and maybe Ally doesn't feel 100% comfortable with the things Addy's saying about your daughter. Money says she's dissing your child to maintain the friendship with Ally. And why? Because she's so controlling and 'mean', she has no friends so she'll hold on to Ally with everything she's got. Ally might just not be so thrilled anymore but can't break loose.