Daughter and Friends

Adrienne H posted a similar question and has responses just today. You are not alone. I would look for clubs and activities, maybe even some not related to school. My daughters ride horses and are in after school clubs (middle school). Also, talk with the school counselor for some help.

Girls can be so mean, and spiteful I went through this nightmare with my daughter. My suggestion is to do something awesome that night with just you and her. She will need you now and although it is not a replacement for close friends your relationship with her will get her though this mean girl nonsense. Keep her involved in other activities and be there when she needs to talk. If you can find other activities she may be able to make friends other then school. Trust me I know where you are coming from. My daughter survived and it made her a much stronger woman and our relationship has never been closer. She is 21 now and lives away at college. She has made friends in college, loves living on her own, and is a very strong young woman. It wasn't always that way I watched her cry many nights and wasn't as smart as you not to call the mom's. I thought that we were also friends and that didn't go well for me either. We just took each day as it came. I know you don't want to stoop to their level so tell her to take the high road and not let them know it bothers her. Keep a smile on her face and maybe when they see they aren't getting to her they will let up. Most times jealousy is the motivator and that is not your daughters problem it is theirs. Good luck!!

My daughter was in a similar situation last year. Miserable, until she could finally accept (when I encouraged her to think about it) last summer that certain so-called friends, were not really her friends at all. She would call them and invite them over or out someplace fun, but they would never, ever call and invite her. This was hard for her because she went from the girl who had a million friends and playdates (preschool-mid 4th grade) to the girl who was too clingy and horribly awkward in groups of girls. And girls are MEAN. They decide in groups, with their peers, who to outcast. Thus, she lost friends, a lot of them. It took awhile, but she is finally more comfortable in her own skin. I forced her to stop chasing. Stop calling and inviting people out who never, ever call you. Basically just let go of toxic relationships that really aren't friendships, period. It's better to be alone for awhile, for the short term, and spend time with your family, then to allow yourself to keep being hopeful and hurt in one-sided friendships. I would tell her to just stop calling the same girls. Set a couple of goals to purse some new interests or activities, and don't let her sit by waiting for the phone to ring. Keep her busy with family fun. Keep encouraging her to reach out to people, and be the kind of friend she wants to have. We've been there too, and once your daughter makes the decision to stop busying herself with entertaining thoughtless girls, she will have so much more time, and less heartbreak, and her eyes will be more open to investing in real friendships. Good luck!

Dear mom,
The first thing that comes to my mind is, it is likely not your daughters "fault". The social rules of kids are not ones that put value on qualities that are healthy for kids. From what you are saying, I can't tell how much it bothers your daughter; as you both get through this passage, I hope she never comes to believe that something is "wrong" with her or that she should change herself to try to win their approval. I feel that the "problem" is not with her; the problem is with " kid" culture. Although it is painful, i would often rather have a child who doesnt fit with all the "standards " that kids decide, on their own, are important. Instead, as you said, she has all the things that make her a good friend... Make sure she knows you belive that! I read a book that I found very helpful called "hold on to your kids" by Gordon neufeld. I am sorry this doesn't solve the issue of helping the other kids include her more.... I understand how painful that must be....I'm just observing that the problem may be theirs( the other kids') and not one you necessarily want to try to solve by questioning yours or your daughters actions. Best of luck, she sounds like a great girl and she is lucky to have a great mom in her corner!

Why don't you look into having her join Girl Scouts. A lot of girls join for the first time in the Cadette [6th-8th grade] level. Some girls come back to it after trying Brownies and dropping out. The Cadette program has available the "aMaze" Journey, which is all about the "twists & turns of getting along". The Girl Scout Council also runs a number of fun programs that she could sign up for on her own.

My 9 year old is in the same situation. I hope someone has a solution.
I have noticed my girl does not whisper, talk about boys, and exclude others when told to(all good things). The girls know she won't kiss or be a girlfriend to a boy when they order her to. Hopefully she can keep standing up for herself.

Hi, J.. My heart aches for you and your daughter as the story reminds me of my own childhood. Though it is precious to have a friend or a group of friends who your daughter feel she belongs to, but friends come and go literally and the popularity contest is a nightmare. My suggestion would be steering her to to find other activities she can enjoy with or without friends. Going to ballet/music class, library, or museum can be better than waiting around for her friends to call. Best of luck.

I remember going through something similar--I think I still do! And my 9-year old stepdaughter is going through the same thing.

The only thing I can come up with is people seem to be very self-centered and rarely think of others. I think it's a result of our society nowadays and the lack of manners being taught. I would never think to leave someone out, and I remember always being the one who reached out and remembered to include others when a group of us were going out to do something.

I totally remember sitting at home, waiting for the phone call from a friend who was going to solidify the plans and never getting the call! Then later on you find out everyone did something else without you.

I feel like I'm always doing the asking for playdates for my SD. We hardly ever get invited over! The playdates happen, but only because I make it happen.

The only advice I have is for your daughter to keep reaching out. From my observation, a group dynamic goes something like this:

Every kid in the group feels a little unsure and a little pressure. They are only concerned with themselves and being accepted, not on purpose, just because they are young. They all go out and do something and the experience bonds them. The next day they are all laughing over what happened, etc. Within the group, friendships will form, with some members being closer to other members. If your daughter makes plans she will have a chance to be a part of the group and get to know the members. The experiences will bond them, missing an experience seems to ostracize that member. Your daughter is giving herself the chance to get to know some of the group members better and maybe make a close friend. If after several outings she doesn't feel like they are her type of people then she can seek friends elsewhere. But at least she should give it a try.

Encourage her to make plans and invite her friends. Not only will she become a leader but she could uncover a new friend!

I felt kind of pushy by always making plans with this one mom, but my daughter liked her daughter and they both got along great. After quite a few playdates (arranged by me) my daughter was invited to her birthday party of only a few select girls. Now this girl and my daughter are good friends and the mom recognizes it. I guess it takes some pushing but the results are worth it!

My daughter has gone through similar things since she started middle school (she is now in 10th grade and has finally found a group of girls with the same goofy sensibility that she has). Friendships have formed and reformed.
I've always felt that it's a bad idea for parents to get involved with their children's social lives (as long as no actual harm -- emotional or physical -- is being done). Changing friendships is part of growing up and you can't make someone be friends with your child.
It's important for your daughter to cultivate her own interests that are independent of what her friends do (my daughter takes dance lessons, for example, and none of her friends are part of this activity), and for you to support her as she goes through this difficult time.
Keep encouraging her to be her own wonderful self, and support her when the inevitable tears come. It will get better. I've always taught my children that there's no point in being friends with someone who makes them feel bad and to never, ever wait by a phone.

I am noticing the same thing with my 4th grader. It is a tough situation. She has many friends and seems to be well liked but for some reason she is not at the top of anyone's priority list. The phone does not ring for her. At this age my suspicion is that some of it is driven by the mothers. Not that they don't like my daughter but that they are encouraging the friendships they think are best/easiest or most convenient for themself. Whether that be someone who lives nearby, someone whose mom they like or have a friendship with etc. I do not know if this is the case as the girls get older. The only thing I can think to do about it is continue to put myself and my daughter out there. Invite her friends over, help out with carpooling whenever I can and hope that people start to reciprocate. I've also considered putting a lot of energy into 1 friend so that she has at least one other girl who thinks to include her when plans are being made. I'll be interested to see what other moms have to say about this...