So I have a very similar issue as a previous post (Tween Friendship Issues)--my almost 13 yr. old daughter is being left out and excluded by two friends who she was really close to, particularly one who she has known since 1st grade and way before knowing the other friend. My daughter goes to a different school than they do, although the two other girls never went to the same school until two years ago. Of course they became better friends since attending the same school and of course they have events and parties that my daughter doesn't. However, while my daughter tried to maintain the friendship, they did not reciprocate. They would come over when invited, but not ever ask her over although I know they had sleepovers etc.
The issue I am having is that the girl who she has known since first grade, her step-mom and I are super close friends. We were friends even before our daughters started becoming friends. Our husbands are good friends. We were in their wedding and their younger child is our godchild. My daughter is the husband's godfather (my friend is my son's godmother). We have taken family trips together, even with the other girl's family who I also consider my friends but not as close.
So I really don't know what to do because it IS very hurtful that their daughter no longer wants to be my daughter's friend. She is having a huge birthday party soon and didn't even invite my daughter (that's a whole other post, which I may ask about soon). My daughter is kind of clueless about the two girls excluding her and not being invited to the party and still tries to maintain the friendships but it is SOOO one-sided. She does have a couple other friends and understands the other two girls have gotten closer etc., but still considers them friends. So if I take the advice given to the other poster with a similar issue, I basically let the girls work it out, don't say anything to my friends, and continue to let my daughter believe these girls are her friends when clearly they do not want to include her in things.
But I feel like I have to day something to my friend because we hang out at least 1-2 month, we still see eachother for family type things. It is just getting weird!! I understand kids grow apart, but I just think this is mean and I feel my friend is allowing it to happen. How can I keep hanging out with my friend and babysit her toddler occasionally (my godchild) when this is bothering me. I have been kind of sucking it up the last couple years, but since I overheard a conversation about the party my daughter is not invited to, I am PISSED and hurt.
Even if the girls have grown apart, you and the mom can continue to be freinds and do family events together, The girls will be cordial to one another at such events, no?
If your daughter is 13, she's old enough that she doesn't have to go with you on every outing. I'd start doing only parent events. If your friend suggests otherwise, just say "I don't think so. DD and "suzy" don't seem to hang out anymore so why bring them along?" Then ball is kind of in her court then. You're not insisting her daughter be friends with yours or acting mad if you say it casually but you're letting her know you've noticed and aren't going to put your daughter in that situation anymore. If, on the other hand, "suzy" is nice to your daughter when it's the 2 families but just doesn't ask your daughter to do things alone anymore, then I'd discourage your daughter from inviting her or considering her much of a friend but kind of go with the flow. It's awkward for you and I understand being disappointed but best you can do is control what situations you put your family in. Can't make them change...
Just because you adults are close does not mean the kids have to be friends. She is 13 and needs to learn to navigate the world of friends. Not easy at that age. I would not get involved or even say anything. I am sure your friend realizes her daughter did not invite yours. Time to back up and stay out of a 13 year olds friendship maze. Continue your friendship and let the cards fall.
I just want to say that I completely understand your issue, (I am the other poster).
For me it's hard because I have always taught my child to value friendships and treat others with kindness and treat others the way you want to be treated. I understand the stupid girly judgemental hurtfull stuff is going to happen but, when it's your kid...it's different!
My issue with the Mom's is connected to the issue with the girls because I feel like as the adults they should be able to recognize the pain it causes my child...(especially since I have told them!) and maybe just try to pay attention to how often they assist their kids in rubbing it in!
I feel like as the adult who considered these women to be my friends as well, it was my responsibility to be honest about how it was all making us / me feel. I have been and it certainly didn't help....they still have chosen NOT to notice or care. I think it speaks volumes to the type of friendship we really have. At the very least, I have honored the friendship by being honest. At least now I have voiced my pain and cleared the air on my side. The rest is out of my control
Friendships between girls RARELY last all the way through school. It happens, but it's rare. Mourning the loss of a friend is something she needs to learn how to do, just like she's going to need to learn how to get over the first boy who breaks her heart.
Her friend's mom is not "allowing" anything to happen. What do you want her to do, to tell her daughter she has to include your daughter, she has to be friends with her because of their long history together? The girl will resent it and that will only make things worse for your daughter.
My oldest just graduated high school, and I have watched her friends come and go over the years. It's totally natural and normal, people change as they grow, their interests change, and people just meet people they like more.
Are you still BFFs with your friends from first grade? I doubt it, almost no one is.
Please stop expecting something so rare and unusual to happen and let these girls discover and grow and become friends with those they CHOOSE to be friends with.
If you want to still be friends with her mom then do it, but it shouldn't be contingent on whether or not your daughters end up remaining friends or not, that's just not fair to them.
Just because 2 adult women are friends, it does NOT mean... that their kids have to be, friends, too.
It seems to bother, you.
Not your daughter.
And if this woman is your CLOSE friend, then why don't you just ask her why your daughter was not invited???
NO kid, HAS to be friends.... ALL the time, since Kindergarten or 1st grade. No adult has to either.
Friends change. Per age and per circumstance. And per age stage and development. It is normal.
I am not friends still, with friends I had from 1st grade.
I had a very similar situation (which actually brought me to Mamapedia in the first place). I don't really have advice other than there isn't much you can do to mend the girls' friendship. All you can do is protect your own adult friendships. I tried to do that in our case, but the mom has alienated just about every other mom in our school and the daughter is a queen bee mean girl. Once the girl decided that she was done with my daughter, whom she called her bff just days before, the mom cut me out - unfriended me on facebook, stopped inviting me to activities. She'd still smile at me and pretend to be friendly in public, but eventually even stopped that. I never knew what her problem was - still don't. Being around her just became awkward - I quit book club and stopped going to events where I might see her. Several friends have told me they believe she is mentally unstable, and I believe that is true. Whatever the case for me, for you- you should try to separate the relationship between the girls from your relationship between the adults. When I tried to have a conversation with the mom in my case, it was clear that our relationship was not worth fighting for. Her daughter broke my daughter's heart and the mom was truly unkind for no reason I or any mutual friends could understand. I kept my anger in for a long time and then realized she wasn't worth it. I hope you find a way through it.
There is a book series out now that my daughter is obsessed with called the Cupcake Diaries. One of the main characters experiences something very similar to this. It might be worth a read. I think you need to step back and realize this isn't about you. If you go on family outings it sounds like the girls can come and get along okay. If your daughter is upset you can try to comfort her, otherwise, let it go.
As I said to the other poster, I think you are too involved and experiencing your own level of hurt. I mean, what parents become godparents to each other's kids and then require their children to like each other? It's unrealistic. People grow, change, expand their horizons, develop new interests. Your daughter is hurt that this has happened, and YOU are hurt as well, to the point that you don't want to see these people or babysit for the toddler?? You say you understand that kids grow apart, but you don't really, because you say it's really mean. I think it might help you to ask the mom if anything happened or if it's just a natural evolution, ebb & flow of friendship. If there was a precipitating event, it can be addressed, resolved, apologized for. If it's just an evolution and kids trying to make their own friendships instead of constantly playing with the kids their parents hook them up with, then you have to be willing to let go. It has NOTHING to do with your friendship with the other adults. You can still see each other as adults, and OCCASIONALLY with the kids. But one generation doesn't have to bond just so the other generation can.
The only thing that should bother you is if there was some offense committed. But you say this has been for several years, yet you still have to "suck it up"??? Do you consider the girl's choice to be a reflection on you??
Otherwise, your daughter should be encouraged to find friends she shares interests with, classes with, values with. She can be more sensitive to kids who've been left out all along, and those who may feel insecure - which gets way worse from age 13 on. You have only begun to see hurt feelings and changing social structures. Let this be a lesson to you and your daughter to really reach out to others, to be the kind of friends you want to attract, and to care more about the kid on the sidelines than with being in the "cool group". Somewhere, some wonderful kid is just waiting for the gift of your daughter's friendship.
I would simply say that the girls are not getting along, does she know why? If not or if there's simply nothing to do, then carve the relationship out with the parties that still get along and do things that don't require your daughter to spend a lot of time with someone she doesn't like/doesn't like her. Teens are so mercurial. You can also change your outings to adults only and suggest that the other couple get a sitter so you can all go out to dinner without any kids.
what can you say to her that will not rebound badly?
'your daughter is a Mean Girl, and you should make her be a better friend to my Nice Girl.'
it won't work.
friendships constantly ebb and flow. this friendship is long-standing. trust that if it's a good one, it will come back. encourage your daughter to keep widening her social pool.
it NEVER works when parents try to manhandle friendships.
khairete
S.
The different schools thing is tough. I used to really think it would be so great for my DD to have good friendships outside her own school, but the reality is that is hasn't at all worked out that way. Maybe kids just want to identify with their own school's peer group. I'm betting not a lot of 13 year olds have BFFs that go to a different school. It sounds like she has been downgraded to "casual friend" by these girls. It IS hurtful to watch. Personally, I would start limiting my time with the other Moms rather than say anything. Even if those girls' Moms really got after their DDs to include your DD more, it would be awkward and forced, and they would probably be more resentful than sympathetic towards your DD. Just make sure your DD knows she has choices too. At some point, she will likely tire of the one-sidedness.
Relationships change. Your daughter seems to understand that and is fine with it. Don't project your feelings onto her. If you and the other mom "force" them to be friends, that's not a true friendship and I think your daughter would be a lot more hurt by that.
Yes, I feel badly if my daughter isn't included in some parties/events. I've had light conversations with her to gauge her feelings and we've talked from there, but I don't want to make her feel bad if she didn't before. She has a lot of friends that serve different purposes in her life - some are sports friends, some are church/youth group friends, some are more casual b/c its a family connection. And depending on the day/week, they can change who's most significant at that moment.
I would talk to her once, don't overdo it. Just ask "Has something happen between our girls? I don't see much of your daughter anymore." They may have grown apart, or something may have come between them. If nothing else is said, drop it and let them deal with it.
Don't take it personally, tweens are notoriously self centered, they are just starting to understand how what they do effects the world around them. Also they are changing so quick, friendships are lost and gained very fast.
Is your daughter involved in other activities that would help give her more opportunities for friendships?
