Forbidding Visits to Another Friend's House

No way. He is your kid. Of COURSE he is going to be mad!! Think of all the fun, inappropriate stuff he gets to do there!! Be firm and supportive. Tell him he can have his friend over anytime he wants but he cannot go to their house. I would only tell him it's because the other house is too crowded and they don't have the same rules that you do. Don't say anything bad about the other parents. It will get back to them. Good luck!

I think that you are being very responsible. If this child is allowed to do things at his house that your child is not allowed to do, it is your job to make sure that he is protected from things that you deem unfit. A fith grader with a facebook account has irresponsible parents (I don't care if parents think they can monitor it 24/7 or if they think they have responsible kids...it's not safe) I am sure that your son is upset with you as my daughter was when we told her she couldn't play with a friend of hers (similar situation), but as time went on she found friends that we did approve of and she sees now why we placed that restriction on her.

GOOD JOB on being responsible

I would not consider your new rule as unreasonable.

I hope you punished your son for going expressly against your rules, even if it was at another's home.

Nah, my son has a friend that he made in 6th grade (now in 9th).I love the boy, I like his Mom, but his home life is a mess. Parents fight, younger brother is wildly out of control, house is filthy. (I am not Martha Stewart by any stretch of the imagination, but I do dishes and mop floors).

I have been in the house when I dropped the friend off . When my son suggested spending the night over there, I simply told him I was more comfortable having the friend over to our house. End of discussion because I am the parent.

I just made sure, and still make sure, that his friend is welcome in our house when the boys want to spend time together. And honestly, the boy's parent's don't seem to mind (care?) - during summer break he can easily spend 3 to 4 night in a row with us with minimal calls to/from his parents.

I also keep an assorted collection of Dollar Store tooth brushes in the bathroom drawers for over night guests. And I have been know to launder visiting friends' clothing when they come over ratty or with out enough things for the visit.

I want my son to spend time with his friends, but I want it to be in an environment that I am comfortable with. As he has gotten older, he admits that, with some friends, he prefers to have them over here because of their home(lives).

Just make sure that your son knows his friend is welcome in your home and try to make the visits enjoyable for them both. Buy an extra toothbrush and pack of undies from the Dollar Store, stash them in a bathroom drawer, and you are good to go.

Good Luck and God Bless

You have ever right to say that your son can not go to or sleep over at another friends house. If your views are different the the other parent's, no matter their status, and you do not want your child exposed to things without adult supervision you have ever right to say no to your child.

I remember my dad coming and getting me on more then one occassion because of the house I was at. Once I was hanging out with a friend and my parents dissapproved of my hanging out at their house (because of different vaules and parenting styles, NOT because ofthe people & their status), the other it was a sleep over and I felt uncomfortable with the situations going on ( we were all in 4th grade, about 10 girls sleeping over, and some of the girls were WAY to mature talking about adult activity and even kissing each other). I was mad at my parents for a while about the first one, the girl was super nice but her brothers and parents were mean, could be violent and had no rules whatsoever.

Stand your ground if you think this is what is best for your son. If he disobyed you then this other family does have different vaules and I would not let him over there. They can still be friends and hang at your house.

My daughter had a best friend whose parents refused to let her come to our house because I didn't have a parental block for MTV.
This was many years ago before all the reality stuff and Madonna's "Ray of Light" was a hit. The Spice Girls were popular.
Now, I agreed not to let them watch it, but that wasn't good enough. I didn't have it BLOCKED and therefore, they didn't trust that their daughter couldn't sneak to watch it.
Being very strict Catholics, they couldn't take any chances their daughter might be exposed to something unseemly in my home.
My daughter's feelings were hurt, of course, because they could care less about having the TV on when her friend was over and it somehow made us not acceptable for their daughter.
Anyway, that girl turned out to be such a hell raiser. Sneaking out, promiscuous, she used my daughter as an excuse to go sneak off with boys. She would tell her parents they were going to the "library" after school and wanted my daughter to cover for her.
No way!
So...before you go thinking that only educated parents (and dare I say religious) are the only ones who can raise well rounded and responsible children, think again.
Just saying.

If you don't want your son at their house, that's up to you. Some of your reasons might be best kept to yourself. If your son set up a facebook account against your rules, he obviously took part in that. Part of the responsibility falls on him over it.
I would just be careful about what you say as to the reasons. Your son obviously likes his friend in spite of his home situation. It seems that he is able to see the good in people without judging. That's not such a bad thing.

Just my opinion.

You are not being unreasonable at all. Children get mad at parents all the time. He'll get over it. If the other child or the other parents ever question your decision, you can simply let them know that your house rules don't match their house rules and you feel more comfortable with your son following your rules. There is no judgement there.

Edited to add: If he were my son, I would also punish my son for setting up a Facebook account no matter where he was. He knew the rules. It shouldn't matter where he was at the time.

Well that's just the way it is.

I know a Mom, that is SO flippant about supervision of her child and of others that are at her home. She is NOT safe. Her Daughter, also has, really obnoxious sassy friends.
So, well I will not let my daughter go there. Nor will another Mom I know.
Even if they are invited.
BUT... the good thing is: my daughter understands on her own... and SHE herself will say, that that girl is not real nice and that her Mom... is also 'lazy' in watching her own child and the friends that are in her care.
(for example: This Mom once had a play-date. She then left the kids/her daughter home, by themselves, while she went to run an errand.)

My daughter, gets it.
My son is only 4... but we explain things like this to him too.
How to "discern", other people.

My Daughter also knows, what is NOT allowed per our family rules. She knows, she has to ask me first. My daughter is 8.

YOU are the parent.
YOU decide.

But, it has nothing to do with the economic or educational level, of the parent.

WOW! I love how you just had to mention that they are low income and have a lot of kids! That has nothing o do with their parenting! My best friend came from a large low income family and they were the best people. They would never have allowed any of the things you mentioned.

Now as for your question if m son had a friend whose family did not supervise the kids, let them play violent video games, not wear seat belts, etc I would not trust them with my child. I would tell my son that any visits with this friend would have to be a our home and he can go ahead and be mad about it if he wants but that's the rule.

I have to agree with the low income, uneducated, ton of kids comment. This has nothing to do with how the parenting traits play out. They could be the richest family in town with PhD's and still be terrible parents with a ton of kids. This comment made you seem rather igornant.

Now onto your question:
No, you are not being unreasonable. The parents of one of my daughter's bestfriend smoke. They smoke in their house and in their car. I'm not OK with this at all. I've told my daughter that her friend can come to our house to play or sleep over but I don't want her over there. Period.

Two schools of thought for this O.:
1. Your son knows what he IS and IS NOT allowed to do. Even my 2nd grader knows enough to reply "no" if he's asked if he wants to play CAll of Duty.
2. He's your son and you have every right to say where and where not he is allowed.

"The family he was visiting is rather low income and has TONS of kids. The parents are not educated." Wow--that's just mean. I hope you are not as "candid" with the child himself!

I agree that they are probably just more open that you are.. and that it's your kid so if your not comfortable, do not send him.

However, your mentioning 'low income, tons of kids and uneducated' are really uncalled for and I don't believe pertinent to the problem you presented. You really come across as a snot by adding that to your question.

being low income has nothing to do with being bad parents - i know parents who earn $500K a year and are HORRIBLE parents....

It could be that they just don't know HOW to be parents, had bad role models as parents or the thing that catches us all - trying VERY hard NOT to be our parents (don't you remember saying - "when I'm a mom, I won't EVER do that?!" Or "I'm trying to give me kid all that I didn't have????")

You need to have a talk with the other child's parents about your expectations. If they don't understand or see a problem with how they are raising their children - then you need to tell your son that his friend can come to OUR home, but you are NOT allowed to go to their home....tell him WHY you are not allowing this - NO M-rated games, staying up all night - NO FACEBOOK, NO COMPUTER, etc....try it one time as a test...you can find out what he does by listening to him talk to others....if he can't earn your trust to say NO I can't play those games...then guess what? he has to stay where you can supervise him....

GOOD LUCK!

I don't think you're being unreasonable, per say. I just don't know that you are doing what will make your son learn a lesson. Instead he is going to rebel and hang on to this kid for dear life.

You're at the age where your SON is going to have to pick and choose his friends and if you "get in the way" he won't learn how to do it. So, don't block him.... guide him.

I'm not sure he's in emminent danger by being at his friends.... so let's have perspective.... although I do understand your complete frustration. He's not going to get hurt.... you just see him going down the wrong path if he's exposed to these things, right? Well, he's going to be exposed for the rest of his life because there will ALWAYS be another friend like that boy... .and they are the fun ones!!!!! So, next time, he'll get more creative and not tell you what goes on because he doesn't want you to pick his friends. So, now he's lying to you by omission. Then.... when he can drive... he starts to tell you he's going to one friends house, but goes to another's.... now he's outright lying.
Instead..... TEACH your son that this is not the kind of boy who is BFF material. So that YOUR SON can decide he'd rather have friends that have more in line with his own value system.

specifically about the games.
Can you talk to your son about what his thoughts are about playing those games? I mean REALLY talk to him, because his first answer will be 'it's cool' But if you ask him questions like "what do you think happens if you really shoot someone?" "how do you think those girls feel about themselves, dressed up like that?" "What do you think happens to your body when it's all amped up like you get when you play those games.... how do you get yourself calm and NOT want to shoot something?" "how does that game teach you something that you can do in real life"

About Facebook
Ask him why he thinks its a rule that you aren't allowed to have a facebook account until you're 13. Then show him stories about how kids are bullied on facebook and ask him how it feels. Give him info on predators and how they are on facebook and how people are not always who they seem to be on facebook and let HIM come to the conclusion that he shouldn't be on facebook.

Then - ask him if it's hard to say NO to a friend when they want to do something that you know is not allowed. This is a skill he ABSOLUTELY must learn soon. peer pressure set in about 2 years ago and will ramp up bad in a couple years. So, he needs to be able to say- "I know you are allowed, I don't want to do that... let's do something else". Because today it's about an M rated game, but when he's 15 it will be about alcohol or drugs or sex.

By you 'banning' him going to the friend's house you haven't done him any favors. You've just made him resentful of the fact that he thinks you guys suck and he misses the fun. Instead..... guide him to where he gets that the fun isn't always what it's about and why fun can be bad for you.

Just my $0.02
B.

I think you are being very reasonable about this. You must have edited your post b/c I don't see any references to their economic level.

Just a couple of thoughts...
- Maybe offer to let the boy keep a toothbrush and some items at your house? Phrase it as though you really like having him at your home and he's always welcome- less to pack. He's old enough to know that he needs these items, but won't ask for them. Offering may make him more willing to use them!
- When he's there, fix healthy meals and if you can invite the siblings in for a bowl of cereal in the morning. I know that's kind of a stretch, but keeping an extra box of Kix in the house isn't the end of the world and at least you know they had something of substance that day.
- If you can afford to do so, expose this child to other ways of living. Take him with you if you are going to a museum or to a park.

No you are not being unreasonable. If you let your kids spend the night over there anymore, you are just being foolish. What one person/parent thinks is o.k. another will scoff at. You cannot please everyone, and there is no changing these irresponsible parents, so the only thing you can do is to protect your own child - that IS your job as a parent. If you know or feel something is not right, follow your instincts. I would never let me child over there, and personally I would discourage the friendship entirely, because that child will be a bad influence on your child. Keep these two apart and let him form a new friendship with some other child who has parents that actually care about a childs well being.

There is a girl in my daughter class. nice girl and all but the family situation is iffy (and since you are getting so much flack for the low income comment, i'll join you and add if i can smell the cigarette smoke on your kids, mine won't be coming over to play)
I just said we were busy but could the little girl come to our house the next weekend, and of course it never happened but, i would have no idea how to word it to the other child or to their parents other than just coming up with lame excuses.
did your son feel bad about what he did, and did he feel uncomfortable at that house? If he did you could play on that somewhat to help him see that having the friend over to your place is best. that and make lots of great cookies so the boys want to be at your place.!!!

Not at all. You and your husband are being responsible parents.

It sounds to me like these parents just have a more open parenting style than you, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. But this is your child, and you get to set the rules, and if you feel this other home is not a good place for you child to be or that he is unsafe there, that is your call to make, no one elses. Let him have his anger, he has a right to it, but that does not mean you are wrong, you have to follow what your instincts tell you are best.

Yes, I am in this position with one of my daughter's friends. She is only allowed to play with her outside in our yard, period. She cannot go to her house. She cannot go out in public with her. I will not have her in my home or take her places any longer due to multiple bad experiences. They were best friends for about a year, now they are just casual friends. Her parents are friendly and nice, but they both work and the kids, 12 and 16 are home and allowed to wander all summer with no supervision, no regular family meals, no activities, nothing to do, ever. The yard and house is completely a trashy mess. Not the kids fault right? Right, at first I felt sorry. Then slowly, DH and I realized this girl's values and behaviors were a negative influence on our DD. We witnessed lying, stealing, shoplifting, sneaking around, hiding things, unlimited TV viewing and movie choices we did not approve of, inappropriate internet, facebook, disrespecting our family rules, enough was enough. DD knows where we stand, and she is over it. She has found other, better friends. Deep down, she never really wanted to get involved with a lot of that stuff, but is not a confrontational person and did not want to make this girl mad.

No, I do not think you are being unreasonable at all. Your son will get used to the new rule, day by day. And he will find other friends, too. Just because this is his best friend now, does not mean that won't shift with time. It has for us, and life is 100% better.

Normally I fall into the live and let live camp, but it honestly sounds as though that environment has the potential to be truly dangerous for your son. What if they wanted to run out for a quick errand and no one put on their seat belts and there was a car crash? I know that I couldn't live with myself.

I totally understand why your son is furious, and I think that it's wise to not share all of your reasoning with him. But I also think that being a good parent often means being unpopular. This is one of those times. I think that the "your house not his" is a perfectly reasonable rule.

Good luck, though. A 10 year old stomping around is not a lot of fun.

Wow, we all parent differently. I guess I would sit down and talk to your son and have him realize what is right from wrong. I know it's hard. But if he insists on being a friend then I would imagine you would have to explain your rules to friend's parents in your house or when your son is visiting.
This is a hard one, interested in seeing the answers. Good luck...........