Follow up to Question About 17 Yr Old Step Child

i went back and read your prior posts before responding to this one.

i hadn't read the one about your stepdaughter but remember responding to your 'my tiny children aren't doing a good enough job reinforcing my own opinion of myself as a mother' post.

i feel badly for all of the kids in that home, but for the stepdaughter in particular. she's lost her mother, and she has Maleficent for a stepmother.

you'd cross the road to avoid her if you saw her coming. nice.

your husband is a little wacky to think she needs to remain home until she gets married. that's pretty archaic.

and unlikely. i doubt she'll want to stay in a home where she's so bitterly resented.

my mother died when i was 10. my dad remarried when i was 13, and i was angry and hurt and 'hated' my stepmother for not being my mom. at age 17 i was defiant, messy, mean and difficult.

my stepmother loved me in spite of myself, and in spite of all the shitty things i did and said to her.

when i told her, many years later, how much i appreciated her stoic patience and unwavering love, and expressed my surprise at her NOT hating me, she said with honest bewilderment 'you were a kid! how could i hold that against you?'

i hope with all my heart that your stepdaughter moves out soon and finds a maternal figure who will give her the support and love that she needs.

i hope with all my heart that your husband is able to protect your two tiny ones from your incredibly self-centered narcissism.
khairete
S.

I'm speechless. I read your other post and I was speechless.

You're really a piece of work.

The death of a parent is devastating and can easily have long term grief.

You expect her to just forget about her mom and move away from you because you feel she's lazy.

You're entire family needs counseling NOW! What happen to your bio kids when you get tired of them?

Speechless

C., please...
find out why you have such unreasonable expectations of others.
Why do you expect your children to fill you up emotionally (you know, because they are *fine* when you are gone and you complain?-- that's a head-scratcher for me)?
Why do you expect your stepdaughter to be just like you?

My mother was once married to a terrible guy. She was also terrible. When they divorced, they were both such chicken-shits and in denial of their own garbage that they told everyone it was my fault they had split up.

You are doing the exact same thing. You are projecting all of your problems onto her instead of seeing what everyone else below me is seeing-- some really dysfunctional family behavior.

It sounds like your husband knew what he was in for with his daughter, but not so much with you. It's easy to blame it on the kids than to admit that there is crisis between the adults.

My stepdad hated me. I could tell. He thought I was a loser and nothing I could do would please him. So I stopped trying. At some point, a person will stop trying to prove their worth and just conserve their energy to get through a bad situation as best as you can. I have a tremendous amount of empathy for your stepdaughter. What a horrible thing to lose a parent so early in life and then to find that you just can't do anything right other than jump through someone else's hoops. NO ONE wants to live that way.

Look in the mirror. You are your own worst problem in this. Face it and stop running away. Therapy. Your 'marital space'? She's his child, not a nanny or employee. Maybe you are getting into their 'father/daughter' space in an equally invasive way.

I am a stepmother to 2 girls and I get that it can be so difficult to blend parenting styles.

My reaction to this and your prior posts is this: your stepdaughter is coming to live with you because her mother DIED. That is the ultimate abandonment in any child's life, and I don't see you being at all sympathetic to a child who is nearing adulthood and has lost her female role model.

You are planning to "endure" her? You're going to count the days until she graduates in 5 years and hoping you can last that long? Don't kid yourself - your disdain for her will be evident every day of every year, and it will not be pretty.

I don't know if she hates you or not. I think she MIGHT be picking up on your total resentment of her, or resenting the fact that her own mother has died. Both are totally normal on her part.

When you marry someone with children, it's a package deal. There is always the potential that a spouse's child/ren will come live with you. That was your obligation to accept on the same day you decided to marry this man. She is NOT invading your "marital space" - which means your bedroom and your private time with your husband - any more than your 2 little kids are. This is a family, so you lock your bedroom door when you are having sex or an adult conversation about taxes or end of life care or whatever, but otherwise you have familial space and that includes all members of the family, equally.

Maybe she's a cranky teen with attitude, maybe she's typical, maybe she's grieving and lashing out. All are understandable and manageable. But you're talking about being generous and fair while saying you can't stand her. You will not make it with that attitude.

You have, I think, unrealistic expectations of your own children (based on your first post) and you expect a level of devotion and adoration from them which is not happening. Now you have expectations of this motherless stepchild which are also not happening.

Re moving when she graduates: My own mother let me know from the get-go that I could not live at home after college. I was stuck, at that time, in a bad economy with few immediate job prospects. Know what I did? I got married 6 days after graduation and was lucky my mother let me live at home for those 6 days. I knew before I walked down the aisle that the marriage would not last. Is that what you wish for your stepdaughter?

Family counseling - now. You and your husband are not on the same page at all. Maybe your expectations are unrealistic, and maybe his spoiling of her is a problem. Or both. But it isn't about fault. It's about you two being entirely disconnected. If you don't work on that, some crisis with any of the kids or just the stress of parenting will break up your marriage. Might not be the stepchild either - could be either of your 2 kids. You and your husband did not do the necessary work before you got married and had 2 more kids, and you have never accepted his daughter. That's a recipe for failure if you don't get it fixed.

Updated

I am a stepmother to 2 girls and I get that it can be so difficult to blend parenting styles.

My reaction to this and your prior posts is this: your stepdaughter is coming to live with you because her mother DIED. That is the ultimate abandonment in any child's life, and I don't see you being at all sympathetic to a child who is nearing adulthood and has lost her female role model.

You are planning to "endure" her? You're going to count the days until she graduates in 5 years and hoping you can last that long? Don't kid yourself - your disdain for her will be evident every day of every year, and it will not be pretty.

I don't know if she hates you or not. I think she MIGHT be picking up on your total resentment of her, or resenting the fact that her own mother has died. Both are totally normal on her part.

When you marry someone with children, it's a package deal. There is always the potential that a spouse's child/ren will come live with you. That was your obligation to accept on the same day you decided to marry this man. She is NOT invading your "marital space" - which means your bedroom and your private time with your husband - any more than your 2 little kids are. This is a family, so you lock your bedroom door when you are having sex or an adult conversation about taxes or end of life care or whatever, but otherwise you have familial space and that includes all members of the family, equally.

Maybe she's a cranky teen with attitude, maybe she's typical, maybe she's grieving and lashing out. All are understandable and manageable. But you're talking about being generous and fair while saying you can't stand her. You will not make it with that attitude.

You have, I think, unrealistic expectations of your own children (based on your first post) and you expect a level of devotion and adoration from them which is not happening. Now you have expectations of this motherless stepchild which are also not happening.

Re moving when she graduates: My own mother let me know from the get-go that I could not live at home after college. I was stuck, at that time, in a bad economy with few immediate job prospects. Know what I did? I got married 6 days after graduation and was lucky my mother let me live at home for those 6 days. I knew before I walked down the aisle that the marriage would not last. Is that what you wish for your stepdaughter?

Family counseling - now. You and your husband are not on the same page at all. Maybe your expectations are unrealistic, and maybe his spoiling of her is a problem. Or both. But it isn't about fault. It's about you two being entirely disconnected. If you don't work on that, some crisis with any of the kids or just the stress of parenting will break up your marriage. Might not be the stepchild either - could be either of your 2 kids. You and your husband did not do the necessary work before you got married and had 2 more kids, and you have never accepted his daughter. That's a recipe for failure if you don't get it fixed.

She came into his life before you.
His duty to her comes before you.
Her needs come before you.
You married a man and had children with a man who has a primary relationship before you.
You need to be mature enough to understand this.

You are asking your step-daughter to show more maturity towards you then you are to her.

You need to take a time out and leave her alone. Do you want to cause further damage to a vulnerable person?

Let it go. Call a family therapist ASAP and start working on your couple issues as well as the family dynamic issue. It will only get worse, not better, until you seek professional help. None of the children deserve to live in a home with so many power struggles.

if you have to "endure" her? it's not a healthy home.

You really need therapy and counseling. You sound like the step-mother from hell. Sorry.

I feel like you're just venting here.

You obviously are not on the same page as your husband.

You will have problems raising your own 2 kids (not just your stepdaughter) if you and your husband don't come to an agreement on parenting. You need to be on the same page, you support him, he supports you. If you can't do that on your own, you get a counselor to help show you how.

This is a much bigger issue than just a stepdaughter. I think some of this is how you perceive situations. In your very first question, you described yourself as insecure and jealous when your two little ones didn't miss you enough.

Here, you sound jealous of your stepdaughter. That she comes before you - where your husband is concerned.

I would seriously think about getting help. And to be fair to your stepdaughter, you sound like you hate her. You are blaming her for your marital problems and that's not fair. She's a kid. She lost her mother. That's not a crutch as you said in your last question. That's pretty rough.

Compassion towards people who frustrate us, can go a long way. A wise mom on here gave that advice, and it has been very helpful to me in dealing with a family member of my husband's that I find very trying. You should try it.

Idk if you're finished reading responses but in case not I thought I'd chime in. I can't tell when her mother died....recently? I lost my beloved mom/best friend 7 years ago. I'm not and never will be the same person and I was 30 years old, not 17. I also have recently become a stepmother to a 16 yr old and 18 yr old, both girls (15 &17 when we married). They have a mom but also abandonment issues bc dad (husband) has full custody bc mom couldn't be bothered. How hurtful...they've never had a good mom. I digress...regarding chores....bc of their ages I didn't feel comfortable asking them to do stuff bc i feel like they should know, so I ask their dad to tell them...he does and they do it. Easy. If they don't, oh well, it's ok. I just do what I can and not stress out if I can't get to it bc it's more important for me to have a peaceful home (that's just me). Now our oldest is about to graduate high school. I took off work the other day to take her to the nearby county college with the understanding she'd stay with us those 2 years. I know it means a lot to husband for her to be here bc those three were super close before I entered. We have become closer since our college day and it was just last week. I think she can now see i really do care about her even if I'm not her bio mom. We're making a shed into a tiny house for her in the backyard. She's still around but will be independent, out of the physical house and practicing adulthood with us nearby. We're all excited for her to move out there. Would y'all consider that?? We already gave her a deadline of moving out at 20 years old or finishing her associate's. I do understand how hard step parenting is but she really does need you, I promise! See if someone can watch your babies and you go spend just 1-2 hours with her then gradually increase. She's uncomfortable around you also but this relationship is worth nurturing bc it's a lifetime relationship ya know. Give this a little more thought please. Treat her like you'd want to be treated not necessarily how she treats you. Put yourself in her shoes. I'm sure she feels out of place. I feel sorry for you both bc i can see and understand both roles. Things will get better. This is a big commitment you made and just kind of a rainy season right now. You're not doomed. Marriage isn't doomed. It's just a big adjustment for EVERYONE. I wish you guys luck. Hang in there. Put others first. Things will fall into place

my oh my are you an angry woman. I feel sorry for your kids and step children.

You need to get a grip on reality. YOU are supposed to be her role model now since her mother is dead. Why can't you have sympathy for a person who has lost a parent? My mom died years ago and I still miss her today. I'm sorry you can turn your feelings on and off so easily.

I'd suggest you find a desert island to live on so you don't have to worry about people getting in your space and not meet your expectations. Grief is not something you just get over. She needs your empathy and sympathy to get through this. Even if it happened 5 years ago. You are NOT her MOM. She can't even run to her mom's arms anymore. Damn. Have some respect.

I can't help but think of my 10 year old son. He is going through a phase of really not liking me. He is happy, go lucky when things are going his way, but the second I ask him to do something or tell him no, he is all anger and it's all directed at me! And it is hard. It is so hard to not take that personally. It is so hard to not be upset. But my job is to love him and teach him.

My 10 year old is driving me bananas! Sometimes I get nervous about what challenges we might be facing in the next few years (eek!) But I can't for one second imagine giving up on him.

It's my job to keep loving him and keep trying. I need to keep trying to reach him and keep trying to teach him. But above all, I need to remember that this is his home, too. He has a right to feel safe and love.

Your step daughter has a right to feel like this is her home, too. Her home should be her safe place to fall. I realize she's not perfect. She may even be far from perfect. But she still deserves to feel safe and loved in her own home.

Why not try loving her? Try getting to know her. Take her out to lunch, just the two of you. Go for a walk. Visit a college. Take an interest in something she loves. Be someone she can turn to. I'm in my 40's and still have both my parents. I can't imagine how hard it's going to be for me when one of my parents dies. I still need them in my life! I'm not ready to say goodbye or to live without them.

What can YOU do to make this relationship better?

C., I am a stepmom so I get it. I have never struggled in any aspect of my life like I have as a stepmom. Thankfully, the struggle has made me grow and stretch my heart in ways I never would have been able to had I not taken on this role. It has taught me in a very direct way: when it comes to ALL my children it is not about me. My feelings are secondary to my responsibilities as a parent. It has taught me that I must show love even when it is not reciprocated. Step or not, this girl is your child too, C.. Treat her that way. It is called unconditional love. She deserves that from both her parents. Your marriage will fail, if your husband is a good dad and person, if you don't show him that you are learning to love her.

I think maybe you need to be divorced.
Try some family therapy - but your husband is ALWAYS going to be her father - he's going to be there when she gets married and when she has grandchildren.
Honey - it ain't over when she moves out.
You don't agree with your husband on how his daughter is being raised.
Your family is not blending - the father and his daughter are a package deal.
If you want out of this - you need to get out of it - and that means divorce.

Sounds like you should ask your step mom. She managed to get her step daughter (you) to do everything including take care of her kids. How did she do it? That takes some reals skills on her part. Could your step mom come over and help you raise her?

Does she want to life with you and/or her dad while she is in college? Does she want to be more self sufficient?

Sooooo, you going to let your three year old and 16 month old stay until they are not a sense of joy? That happens with little ones too.m I'm willing to bet you should have wanted them gone then if that's your reasoning.

I try not to be too harsh on here but you need to go easier on her. She is a kid. You are an adult. Do you know what some 17 year olds put parents through? Flunking out of school. Drugs. Violence. Come on. She doesn't help much? Neither did I at 17 and neither do my nieces. Her room is her room. Leave it. And stuff she leaves around the house, put it in her room. But you're acting likes she's your spouse not pulling his weight. She's a minor and a dependent.

What are your plans for your biological children? Do you plan to provide for them until they finish their bachelor's degrees?

My parents paid for us through our bachelor's degree and even helped us out after that. Now, none of us chose to stay at home. We all chose to go away for school, live in the dorm, etc.

I realize your question isn't about money, but if you were planning to provide for her, why not start discussing the possibility of her moving out (with you paying for it)?

But, seriously, are you this upset because she doesn't pick up after herself? Personally, that's not a hill to die on.

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? Sure she should pick up after herself but honestly I don't know any 17 yo that does a good job of it let alone helping with household chores. She's not Cinderella but you are acting like the mean step mother. Give this girl a break. Why you would let her messiness come between you and your husband is baffling.

I also wonder if you will have the same strict standards when your bio kids are her age. I think not. Sad!!!

It is really easy to judge parenting a 17 yr old until you have done it yourself . . . I've raised 5 17 yr olds and have one that will be 17 next year. Oddly, I get the most advice from folks who have young children - and who have NO idea what it is like to raise a teenager. Usually, those same folks were perfect when they were teens :)

I have raised some pretty awesome kids - some are college educated, some are in the military, and some are both. They ALL are great people and ones that I not only love, but I like as well. I can tell you that at 17, none of them did the dishes, or their own laundry, their rooms were in various stages of clean (from downright disgusting to pretty gosh darn clean). They were mouthy at times, disrespectful at other times, and I swear that only the grace of God prevented me from backhanding them each through a door at least once in their life (of course I didn't and neither did dad - but man oh man, a couple of my kids were real testers!). Why are you basing your willingness to raise her or even like her on whether or not she does the dishes? No one else gets to do that . . . we love our kids, messy rooms and all.

You are being mean-spirited. People with children do not have "marital space." We have families. We try to carve out time for our spouses, but there are often times (nay, YEARS) where the kids come first. The joy in marriage during those times comes from working together to get the job done - not against each other.

You really should speak to your husband about where you truly stand with this and let him know that you will never put his daughter's needs before your own. That way he can make the decisions he needs to make now, before more people get hurt.

I hope you remember these words when your own children are this age. Your husband and HIS new wife (your children's step mother) may feel this exact same way about your children. What will you do then?

Good luck . . .

I don't always have time to ready histories, but I'm waiting for someone today and have already read the news.

From everything you've written in your three posts, I really think you need family therapy. For the sake of everyone in your family.

I mean that with all sincerity and hope for a better family life for all of you.

You and your husband need some therapy. That's going to be 5 or more very loooooong years!

I have a 17 year old daughter. She is excited to become and adult and move out on her own. She has not had a typical road, and she definitely has significant challenges. I have no idea what her path will look like, but I imagine she will be back and forth a few times while she matures and tests the waters out in the real world. I can't imagine having a conversation or worrying NOW about whether or not she is asked to move out right after obtaining a college degree or allowing her to live with us at home until she gets married. There is no way to predict how the next 4-5 years will go. It honestly sounds like you want to start the clock ticking now towards a move out date years in the future, just to have something to look forward to. I think that is really sad. Can you imagine how she would feel in that conversation? She probably won't choose to live in your household once she becomes and adult anyway. I would put this discussion away, it is not productive for anyone.

Does your husband expect you to pick up her messes? Wash her dishes and do her laundry? Is he usually gone and not stuck at home having to deal with the mess in his space so he doesn't care? If he has never expected her to clean up after herself, I wouldn't expect that he would start now when she is 17. And if he tries, naturally expect breaking a childhood's worth of habits won't come easy.

I would ask her once, nicely, to pick up or clean up her things in the house common areas. If she doesn't do it, try leaving it and letting her messes pile up. When your husband asks about it, let him know you asked her politely to clean it up. He will either 1) get on her to clean it up, 2) do it himself, 3) pressure you clean it up. If he expects you to do it, or is content to ignore a growing mess that stresses you out, you have to decide if this is a deal breaker for your marriage. Don't assume he's cutting her slack because her mom passed away, it could be just his parenting style. You may have a hard time being in sync about your younger kids chores or lack thereof as they get older too.