Feeling Guilty About Wanting to Work Outside the House, Why Do I Want It All?

Have you thought of working from home? It has been a great experience for me and I have made some great friends out of it. We are all a bunch of moms and we are all typically going through the same thing - trying to be "super mom". It is great to talk with another adult besides my husband, lol. This way I am home for my kids - (I started working from home 8 years ago when I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter), but I am also able to bring in some money to help out the household, but I work around my schedule so I can still be with my family.

Just my 2 cents!
Good Luck!
M.

A quick response from someone whose been there for at least part of it. One reason is that main stream literature and ads make us think we can have it all. We get suckered in.

And, for me, because I was afraid if I didn't do it all, I wasn't good enough. That's related to what we hear and read everyday but it was also related to my lack of confidence in my own innate and already learned knowledge and skills. Counseling helped me change the way I thought about a whole lot of things including wanting it all. It also helped me to find ways to increase my self-esteem and decide on priorities. Once I felt comfortable with who I am and knew what I wanted I could let much of what I expected to drop away.

One thought that helped me is discovering that there is such a thing as a good enough parent. Bruno Bettelheim was a child psychiatrist (I think but he may have been a psychologist) who wrote a book entitled The Good Enough Parent. His writing can be technical and I didn't make it all the way through the book but reading a description of the good enough parent changed my ideas about some things and got me to thinking in a different direction.

Do what is best for you and your family. Only you can answer that.

In our case, the best thing is for both of us to be working parents. It makes us happiest, and allows us to give our kids the opportunities we want them to have (like dance, baseball, etc).

I wanted to go to med school. Went through college with that goal and chickened-out my senior year. Now I have deep regrets, but I'm not willing to make the sacrifices it takes to my family. So, I pour myself into work, into my kids and doing the best I can. It makes me feel better, and my kids love me no less.

In fact, being a working mom was the only way I could get through chemo 2 years ago. Had I been a SAHM, I never could have cared for my kids (closed family is 6 hours away) and would have been an emotional wreck. Work was a welcome distraction and helped me keep things in perspective.

I've found here, on Mamapedia, that there's often little middle ground. We're usually split with strong opinions one way or another. Dig deep, do a little soul searching, and do what makes you happiest at the end of the day. That's the right decision.

Good luck!

I used to have a very demanding job. Just before I was due with my 2nd child, I decided to quit and become a full-time mom. It turned out to be the best decision that I ever made but it also turned out to be a total paradigm shift for me. While I was working, I assumed that SAHM had all this time on their hands so why couldn't they have the wonderful clean, orderly homes - after all, that's their job, right? Well, with two kids who were only 14 months apart, I soon discovered that being a SAHM was the hardest job ever because you never get a break, my kids were constantly undoing whatever I was cleaning or organizing so there was no progress, and I am severely underpaid (LOL!). I have discovered that the moms in my area that have nice, pristine houses are the ones who keep their kids at the park or Chuck E. Cheese all day so that their kids are not home making messes. I'm not that type of mom. We do have our outside activities but we live in our home and I do the best that I can most of the time and someday, when the kids are older and on their home, it will be my time to have the type of house that I would really like. Until then we have a family home. So, don't stress it. We're all in the same boat. Just do the best that you can. That's what we are all doing.

look, we feel bad enough about the things that we can't control b/c of $ or time. You can't make more time. There is only 24 hours in a day. Give yourself a break. I didn't read that you have a super hero cape.

P.S. I do the same thing and should take my own advise.

I agree with Marda and say that main stream literature and ads make us think we can have it all. I say sit back and enjoy your life and your kids!

I used to work FT and now I am a SAHM and love it. I def miss the adult interaction, but I wouldn't trade it at all. My house is never perfect and I stopped worrying about that after I had my daughter. My kids are 13 months apart and I am pregnant again. Our kids will only be kids once... the house will always be there and dust always comes back. During these hot summer days I will bring the kids in for the afternoon to play and while they play between themselves I try to do one thing a day whether it be dusting or moping or a bathroom or something along those lines. But, as I said, the dust always comes back and your babies are only babies once.

Enjoy your time with the kids!!

Good luck!

Hi,
Its not possible to be perfect espically if you have two small kids. So just stop trying to be an overacheiver and do good enough. So back off on the outside activites, going to the libary does not mean a lot to a 3 yr old. go once every couple of months. just water the veggies and don't get too wraped up in growing your own. millions of people eat food from the grocery store and are fine and live long lives so getting bet out of shape about pesticides is a waste of time. Get the kids out and go for a walk every day. push them in a double jogger and get your excerise in. and just spend some time doing nothing.

oh and don't forget to have some fun

The days of the supermom syndrome are gone. I don't know how I managed to make it through ARGH.

First off, make a list of things to do daily and break that down into morning, lunch and nap, and afternoon by day. It will take about 4 weeks to get things rolling along. How about a walk in the park or something as a playdate and fresh air? The key is a daily routine. You don't have to have them in everything that is out there - you are going to have these children for a good 18 years (9 of which to make sure everything is learned) so don't compress it all into 3 years. Okay?

I had 2 kids (newborn and 3 year old), apartment to clean, snow removal (lived in Canada) in winter an hour each morning, prepared meals from scratch daily, made bread twice a week, laundry, and of course diapers three times a week. In spare time I sewed clothes for the kids, knitted scarves, mittens, ski masks and slipper socks for school, and went grocery shopping on the economy usually Wednesday or Thursday. Yes, multi-tasking on high speed. No, I didn't work outside the house for money but I did work with hubby when he made grocery orders for our detachment for food that was sent to Maine and then to New York for resupply runs. For adult companionship there was the wive's club for things to do and a few local trips to take. Childcare was provided by a few moms that would watch kids for a few hours a day for a fee.

I guess I was one of the supermoms from that generation where we wanted to have it all and now we know that it is possible but that it is not necessary. When you kids are old enough to go to school full time, get a job that you can talk to people about current affairs and not diapers or pesticides.

As far as wanting to work outside the house, you maybe one that needs adult companionship nothing wrong with that. I love my children and all but I was not one who could just stay home forever and bake cookies all the time. There were trade offs of mom being at work and dinner a little later than when mom was home dinner was at 5:30pm. When I worked and my bosses wanted me at work at 7am I would not take the job because I wanted to know what my children wore out the door each day in case something happened it never did but that was me. When they were sick I was able to take off or they could come to the job and rest but stay out of the way because they knew mom was working.

Good luck just slow down like others have said. Life is too short to try to do it all in a a blink of an eye. The other S.

PS I am working now but because I want to and not because I have to. Yes there is a different in how you feel about working when not having to have the pressure on you to work. I will probably do something different in a few years that I can do from home and make a living (retirement). I am also looking forward to being grandma and playing with the little people again.

Give yourself a break! It's great to get your kids involved, but they are both so young, they don't really care that you take them to everything you possibly can. They would be happy playing in the back yard with you. If the garden is too much for you right now, find a local farmer's market to get your organic produce from. Unless you have to work, I would cut that out to give you more time to do the things you want to do at home. To get that "adult" time, make time with friends to out shopping without the kids, or get a Bunco group going once a month, or join a club that interests you. Sometimes we have to be reminded to put our "super mom capes" down and just be mom! :)

In a nutshell - yes, it sounds like you are sabotaging yourself. I'm very similar in that I want to have an orderly home, enrich my kids with lots of different opportunities and basically be great at everything I do. And I work outside the home. What I've learned -- make a list and really think about what makes a difference. This may take you a couple of days to do but it's so worth it. When you're with the kids, fully engage with them. Don't worry that there's a dish in the sink or maybe someplace to go. Pick one or two things a weekend (if you work M-F) like a playdate or a concert. The rest of the time have the kids playing at home or tagging along on an errand. They will love it and you'll feel like you've accomplished something but not anything overwhelming.
A happy mom is a happy family. Whether that's a mom who works full-time, part-time, at home or not at all. And kids of each of those moms are loved and enriched. Just slow down and do what's best for you and throw out the endless "my kids must experience all this stuff".
Good luck. :)

I understand the wanting it all. I frequently yearn for the outside validation that a job provides. I am exhausted all the time for all the things that I do. However, I am learning to choose carefully the things on which I spend my time. I spend most of my time on my kids because they are home all the time now. So, I take time for myself about once every couple of weeks. And, I have decided that the house does not have to be spotless, but clean. I am the Home and School president of my children's school so I do most of my community work online. I get my hair done every 8 weeks. And I maintain my part time job during the school year. My life is not perfect, but it is satisfying.

I say just prioritize your list of wants. Then, schedule time for those that are most important and don't forget yourself.

D.

i hear you saying two things: that you feel guilty for wanting to work outside the house and that you feel overwhelmed and exhausted. if you go to work, maybe you will feel less exhausted, because of time away from kids and the renewal and relaxation that that brings, not to mention the adult interaction and the ability to make more money and therefore be more independent. if work outside the house will exhaust you more, don't do it. what you should NOT feel is GUILT. where the heck did that come from?

maybe it has something to do with all the museum and play date stuff? that you wouldn't have enough time to do that (stuff i never do, by the way, and feel absolutely fine about it. that's what school/daycare is for!)? can dad plug in there if you go back to work? can he take them places on his day off so you can recuperate and/or go to work?

i can relate to the "do everything" stuff, when it comes to exercise, cleaning the house, growing food in the garden, working and motherhood. what i don't stress about is all the enrichment stuff. i do take my daughter EVERYWHERE, but that's grocery shopping, hardware store, to the gym, etc. THAT's her enrichment. the rest i leave to school and grandma (and dad's day off), and that's just the way it HAS to be right now.

so you have to make choices. but please don't ever feel guilty for wanting to take care of yourself and your needs. your kids need to see you doing that. you are their most powerful role model.

good luck mama!

Do you want it all because that is how you truly feel or do you think pressure from others makes you feel you should be doing it all? Do you want to work outside the house because you feel a natural pull in that direction or because you need a break from having it all?

It may take some time, but if you sit down and think about all the issues you listed in your post and come up with acceptable, realistic expectations of what you can accomplish you may feel less overwhelmed. Also take a look at which of those are truly important to you and weed out the ones that maybe you were guilted into somehow.

Setting up a schedule may help. For cleaning, I assign rooms to days of the week. For example, Saturday is the basment and porches. They are quck and easy to tackle and leave time for fun. Sunday is the kitchen. It needs extra TLC at least once a week and I clean out the fridge and empty the garbage to get ready for garbage pickup. HTH.

I've spent a lot of years in the middle of the struggles you speak about. I don't have a lot of great insights. I only know that I always feel the need to be better. I want to be the best provider, turn out smart little kids, be friendly and helpful towards their parents, spent years homeschooling my kids, have tried the whole gardening thing, even gardened inside in a grow room I made in my basement. I have kept all sorts of animals, rescuing animals where I can, studied my bible, tried and tried to pray for others being a great prayer warrior. I've tried to be a good wife and a good daughter. My house is as clean as I can get it and I NEVER feel like it's clean enough. I second guess myself all the time after I have conversations with people. I wonder if I presented myself well enough or if I said something that they will think I'm terrible for. I've also tried to look better, exercise, eat healthy, meditate, be an interesting person, sell insurance, real estate, and a variety of other things.

We really can't be superwoman. And yet, I really try to be. I love the Proverbs 31 chapter where it sounds like that woman was a saint, totally a wonderful person, mother, wife, business woman, did it all and apparently without sleeping much!

I wonder sometimes if I am crazy to try and do so much or if others are crazy or just lazy if they aren't doing as much.

Hi K.,

I don't know if it helps at all but I feel exactly the same way. I work because I have to but I absolutely turn myself inside out trying to be everything to everyone and to make sure that my children have the proper amounts of free play, learning time, discipline, nutrition, try new things...you get the idea. I largely telecommute and the only time I am guaranteed a shower is if I am working at the office. I used to workout daily and now am lucky if I can run around the block a couple times. Let's commiserate! =)
N.