Stay at Home Moms, Working Moms- Question for You.

I am a working mom and I actually have seen what you are talking about by others. It ticks me off that others do this and it so isn't fair. I give SAHM big credit, as it is very very tough to do all that you do. That being said it works both ways, I just think it is a person thing and people can be petty and jealous.

I think it is a perception of working moms that you are not confined by a boss that requires you to be at one place at a certain time and that you have more flexibility than most working moms who have to report in to a certain place at a certain time. Not necessarily more time, but more flexibility if you know what I mean.

Hope this helps, it is hard being a mom no matter what or where you do it, so we should all work together.

Well, I'm a working mom...and I've been a SAHM mom (when I was married).

I can tell you, IMHO, that I was busy doing BOTH!

But now I'm a single, working mom...and I have very little time! So yes, my time is very valuable. I am often frustrated when single friends (with no children) don't understand that...as frustrated as I am that my married friends (who have one another to lean on) don't get it either!

Really, its all relative. It's just time spent differently. Sahms (which I am) get more time to clean etc, but the kids in the non-profit day-care that you run ;) have more time to mess up stuff. Basically sahms do much more mindless activites each day. Cooking, cleaning up after each meal and snack, diaper changing, potty training, cleaning spills, picking up toys. Then there's shopping, household duties and bills which working moms do as well. I have felt taken advantage of by working moms and people without kids on occaision also.
Edit: I forgot to add refereeing and disciplining to the endless list of vacuous activities.
I think being a sahm with kids not in school is the equivalent of working full-time in a daycare.

I am a stay at home mom. While it can be hard to get a lot of things done during the day with two toddlers, I can't even imagine how much harder it would be if I worked full time. Your responsibilities to your children and house do not go away just because you are working all day. I would imagine if I worked all day outside of the house I would be coming home to make dinner, clean up dinner, maybe do some laundry, clean up toys, give baths and get kids to bed. Assuming your children are not staying up until 10:00 at night, where does that leave time to enjoy your children?

I stay at home all day and some days it is much harder to get things done, but theres always an entire day to get it done the next day! Trust me I have a lot of free time as well where I am not doing much of anything! Like, right now. My 1 year old is taking a nap and my 3 1/2 year old is playing with his 8 year old cousin that I am watching for the afternoon while I sit on the computer answering your question and drinking a cup of coffee. I have MANY opportunities like this on a daily basis. I get a chance to work out almost every day during the week, I get together with friends for playdates occassionally, I take the kids shopping, my older one goes to preschool twice a week and my 1 year old will nap for 2 hours while he's there. Sometimes I even get to take a nap. You see what I'm saying?

I've been both a stay at home mom and a working mom. And honestly, I think that stay at home moms DO have more time that is at their disposal. A stay at home mom gets to schedule her entire 24 hours. Does that mean that a SAHM can do everything? Heck no. But yes, there is more flexibility and free time. If you have to devote 8-10 hours a day to something outside the house, there is simply less time IN the house, and much less flexibility to get everything done.

Does that mean my time was less valuable when I was a SAHM versus a working mom? No. But... as a SAHM, I had 16 hours of awake time to care for my kids, clean the house, do laundry, run family errands, etc. As a working mom, I have 6 waking hours to do all the same stuff. And I'm taking care of my kids 5 of those 6 waking hours. In both cases, I had one hour with no kids -- the hour after they went to bed and before I did. The difference is the other 9 hours that I could accomplish things around the house while also caring for my kids. So yes - I feel that working moms do have less time.

I am a FT woring mom.

I do my best to try to see both sides.

I stayed home for the first year and nine months of my daughter's life. And I can truly tell you that everything I did as a stay at home mom then, I still have to do now. The only thing I did when I went back to work was get a SECOND job.

So do I think SAHMs have more time to get things done - absolutely. Sorry, but playdates where you get to chat with other moms is not "work." It just isn't. And neither is sitting at the playground reading a magazine while your kid plays. But, all the other things you do (keep house, cook, clean, play with your LO, and all of that other stuff) sure is WORK. I get that. And I also do it, too.

Do I think all women love their jobs as SAHMs - a lot of them, NO. I think lot's of SAHMs are miserable staying at home all day but it's what they feel they should do or it's what their husband and they choose to do. It's not always the best option if you're unhappy.

Being a SAHM is a tough job - I didn't want it anymore so I went back to work! The women I feel worst for is those who do not have any option but to work. I do believe that being a SAHM is tough work - mentally and physically - but the flexibility is awesome.

Just being a mom whether you are at home or work is a hard job!!

A big question to ask is: Are your children in school while you are a SAHM? That's a big factor to consider as we all know that small children are quite a lot of work. But also think of it this way ... we all have to generally do the same things to keep our household running (cleaning the house, doing laundry, grocery shopping, paying bills, blah blah blah), whether you are working or not. If you are working full-time or even part-time, you have less time to do those things. Not to mention hang out with your family. (let's not even factor in our extra-curricular children's activities!)

I am a full-time working mother out of necessity. I used to be able to work 20 hours a week until the recession hit. Do I look down upon SAHM? Heck no. Do I think they have more time to accomplish the things that we all need to accomplish? If their children are in school, then I say yes. That is just a statement, neither positive nor negative. Just a fact of life, IMO.

First off, I think it's great that you don't mean this to be argumentative. However, this is a highly charged, sensitive, tough topic, so you may be a little optimistic with that wish. People may not mean to sound harsh here, but be aware that if they answer you honestly and it's not quite as factual or sensitive as you want, that doesn't mean they are mad at YOU, it's just the realities of this topic.

All of that being said, in a word, yes, I do think if you "work at home" as a SAHM, you have more time than I do. I work full-time as a teacher. If you count the time it takes me to shower and get out the door, I spend about 10 hours a day working, commuting, or doing tasks related to my job, not my jobs at home. I often don't get home till 4:30-5 p.m., so the idea that many have of teachers leaving at 3 and getting home at 3:15 is archaic and outdated at best. I still need to find the time to grocery shop, clean, pay bills, coordinate schedules, answer emails for my daughter's Daisy troop, cook, run errands, and do laundry. Problem is, I can't do any of that from 7 a.m. to about 4 p.m. I can't even make a phone call at school - not down with 24 faces staring at me as I talk to my OB or call the sprinkler company.

I have no flexibility to just load the kids in the car and get these errands done during the day, or make calls during naptime, or get a head start on dinner and laundry. Does this make me feel that my time is more valuable than yours? Definitely not... we are all busy and we all have limited time and resources. I know you don't mean this to divide us, but I am just stating facts here. We do all have the same goals - to take care of our families and ourselves. Yes. I am taking care of kids all day, but they are not my own.

I hope this helps.

Hmmmm...I have been a FT working mom, a PT working mom, a work at home mom and a stay at home mom since I had my son 8+ years ago.....

I had my son at 39, had ALWAYS worked FT since graduating from college and I always wondered what the HECK stay at home moms DID all day!

The I found out! LOL

I've gotta say, right now I work 2 days per week and those are my "easier" days. (And yes, my job requires actual brain power and work!)

I also know this--the busier I am, the more efficient I am with my available time.

There are issues on both sides. For example, if everyone is gone all day--the house stays cleaner. Another example, if I'm home I can get work done during the day and am not doing laundry all evening. know what I mean?

Now, I have a SAHM neighbor that doesn't clean, cook or, apparently do any laundry. The house is a hovel. She is not sick. What DOES she do? Not a clue.

I also have FT working mom friend that keeps a spotless home, cooks a full dinner every day, packs lunches, and manages to stay on top of homework and school and sports activities.

My point IS that no matter SAHM or FTWM, the difference is what you do with the time you have.

I am a working mom and I do think you have more time. I do not think my time is more valuable or that your time is more valuable then mine...We are all busy. But when they nap, stay at home mom's have a couple more hours to either clean, pay bills, whatever chore/thing you need to do, you can do it. You can also run errands or grocery shop during the day while I cannot.
If you have felt this on occasion, was it in a certain setting or if a specific topic came up?

I am a SAHM. Yes, we all have 24 hours in a day and we all choose how to spend it. I know I have more time in the day to do the things working moms are talking about when they say I have more time. I agree! I don't have a job competing for my time or pulling me away from "domestic or kid stuff" at the threat of being fired. So, I totally agree with them that I have more time. I have more freedom to fit in all the daily grind stuff as well as school activities and volunteering. But, that is why I chose to be a SAHM. I never have felt like working moms look down on me or think they are more important.

I think that you need to feel comfortable in your "job" so that it doesn't bother you when comments are made. Also, I never get the feel from my working friends that they think their "job" is more valuable than mine. You determine YOUR value..no one else does. And in my mind, what I do is priceless so I don't feel any competition with others or feel they look down on me. I know I work my arse off.

Good luck and best wishes!!

Well when you work outside the home that bit of your time, say 40 hours is already cut out of your day away from your kids or their functions so you don't have the full 24 hours left, ya know? In my case add another 10 hours because it takes an hour to get here cause no one knows how to drive or more precisely merge.

So we both start with 168 hours and lets go with 8 hours of sleep so now we are both down to 112. Take out my 50 though I do work some overtime and I am down to 62 hours. Carve out the weekend since I don't work it outside the home either and I have 14 hours with my kids during the week to your 64. That is around 3 hours, in the evening when I am already exhausted.

I am lucky in a way since I am divorced and share custody so I work more when I don't have the kids so I get to spend the time with them from when they get home from school till they go to bed but most working moms don't have that luxury.

I hope this helps you understand why they feel you have more time than them, like you it is the time spent with our kids that is important.

I was a stay at home mom for 18 years I never felt like any of the working moms thought their time was more valuable. I did get the feeling they valued every second they spent with their kids a bit more than I did but then that was my perception. They just packed so damn much into that time I felt like a slacker until I realized that I did the same things with my kids, I just had the luxury of spreading it out a bit more. :)

I think we all have things To Do and not all gets To Done. I think that what working moms envy (or I did) was flexibility. If my weekend was already full up and I needed to do one more thing, I couldn't do it while baby napped on Monday. I had to be in the office then.

OTOH, being a WAHM, I still have things I need to do for work, and things I need to do for home and it's a juggling act. I'm never entirely "off" like I was at work. A benefit of having a 9-5 is leaving the work at work.

I think if someone treats you like your time is not as valuable, that is an issue in herself. What you do with the time may be different than hers, but it doesn't mean it's not valuable.

You do have MORE time! Its J. matter of fact. Not to say anyones time is more valuable. BUT you have more time with your chilrden. I was a sahm and loved it, and was able to take my daughter to the museum during working hours when things werent crouded, I could take her food shoopping and make it a game, I could have her help clean when she was a toddler and make it fun, I could have her help cook and have it fun. She rarely napped, but she would at times play on her own, or I could set her up with a craft or painting and get stuff done. We may judge but its because we're jealous of the time you get with your children. We have all the same duties you have arnd the house and yard and groceries bills, driving to and from activities as you plus a 40+ work week. So yes you have more time to get things done. How could you argue you don't? You could say you have more kids but there is a working mom with J. as many kids as you. We're not judging a working mom with one kid vs. a sahm with 6 kids, obviously their time couldn't be compared, but we're comaping people with equal kids that work and are at home. So obviusly the person that doesnthave to spend 40+ hours utside the home has more time to clean, cook, pay bills, run errands....you can be creative include your kids, make it fun, and get things done, The working mom works 40 hours picks her kid(s) up from daycare or school and has to still feed them run them to activities do homework, and do all the things you did all day like cook, clean, laundry, prepare for the next day....Noones time is more important but you definitely have more free time than someone with the same amt of kids that you have that works full time. Also you can run your own schedule, even if you have so many hours taken up you can arrange it to have a 1/2 hour to get dinner ready, or run to the post office...a working mom has a few hours before bed to spend time with her kids and do all of that.

IDK if that helped...i know sahm's do a lot, i was one once, and I love it, and I'm jealous and it kinda stings when you hear them talk about how hard they have it, because I'd love to be there so bad for my daughter, to be able to do school functions, sports, more arts and crafts, museums....and to be able to cook and clean through the day instead of taking some of the little time I get with her away...but being a single parent I cant stay at home...anywho...I commend you for being a sahm, but also realize you get all that precious time with your kids and that sometimes i sit at my desk and cry missing it...so do i feel my time is moere valuable..maybe a tiny bit because theres so little of it...idk either way we need to not judge eachother..and realize when we do we're probably jealous of the other

I took off Labor Day week last year (2010). I have NEVER been busier in my life. I was a SAHM for 3 years and have been a full time working mom for the past 5 years. I love the fact that my job provides me stimulation, adult time, and a nice paycheck for my house.

I hate that I miss waking up with my kids every morning, being with them when they are just a little sick, and being able to keep a spotless house.

I think the grass is ALWAYS greener with this. You have to do one, to appreciate the other. Working moms who have never stayed at home have no idea how hard it is. SAHM's who have never worked have no idea how hard it is.

To each their own, really.

My house is MOSTLY clean, the laundry is caught uo 95% of the time, I work 40-50 hour weeks, my kids make all of their activities on time, I cook more nights than not, and I also am working on my MBA "in my spare time."

I do get envious when I see SAHM's posting on FB about their trips to the gym, the park, the books they read with their kids, the amount of cleaning they get done in a day, etc. Then I remember how challenging it was when I stayed at home.

I really think you need to let stuff like that roll off your back. There are good and bad things to working and staying at home and it's unfair to judge (not saying you did) the other side without the experience.

Absolutely working mom's time is more limited in that we have much less time at home in the evenings. SAHM can help with homework during the afternoon. Working moms can't help with homework until the evening and then we are trying to cram in homework, family meal, bath/shower/bed time routine and some time with our little one all in about 2 hours time. So, yeah, our time is more limited. I am definitely not saying that SAHM's don't work, because I know they do and I take my hat off to SAHM's because I don't think I could do it. But the reality is that SAHM's have a much for flexible schedule than working mom and it does make things a bit easier.

Yup.

I've done it all.

There are upsides and downsides to BOTH... but time is NOT a part of either equation. ((Although a clean house happens when I'm working SO easily... because no one is home to mess it up!))

((ROFL... the 'nap' thing & school age thing cracks me up the most. Working parents have madated breaks during their day. But soooooo many working parents who have never stayed at home *don't get* that 1)Those naps are the ONLY break in a 14-18 hour day, and far fall short of the legally mandated minimum breaks. 2)That some days they don't happen at all 3)That kids DROP naps, taking all breaks out of the day, 4) That you are trapped at your house for those hours, 5) that they themselves would raise holy hail if they were expected to WORK during their breaks each and every single day. And once kids hit school, that just reduces a 14-18 hour work day down to a 6-10 hour work day if you're in an 8 hour a day district. Or an 8-12 hour work day if you're in a 6 hour district. <grin> Unless you get all silly like me and choose to homeschool, which just bumps it right back up to a 14-18 hour day.))

I'm a working mom and I dont' think my time is more valuable than SAHM's and perhaps bc I'm on the other side, I don't see working moms do that to SAHM's. But how I assume SAHM's spend their days does depend on how old their kids are. Toddlers and babies? I view SAHM's as super busy unless they let their kdis watch a lot of TV or have big sleepers or something like that. I have to say, once kids are in school though, I imagine SAHM's have a bit more time than me. For instance, yesterday my daughter had a scout meeting and both my daughters had dentist appts. Even though I work, I make sure to be at things like that. So it's very stressful. I have to run (literally run to the parking lot, race to the scout meeting, get my daughter set at the meeting etc. Then I again, literally run back to my car, race back to work, stressed the entire time that someone at work is looking for me. I work hard for an hour and then again, RUN to the car to meet my daughters at their dentist appts. Dentist doesn't care so keeps us waiting about 1/2 hour. All the while, I'm stressed bc I'm away from the office. My boss gives me flexibility but I feel guilty etc. Then I again, RUN back to my car and race back to my office. Finish up and RUN back to my car, race home to walk into instant demands from my daughters while the dog is barking at me to play with him. On days like that, being a SAHM does seem like it'd be easier. Oh - I still have to get dinner on the table, clean up etc. Our nanny does our laundry but I actually don't mind laundry as it can be folded while I watch TV... Oh, and while I'm racing back and forth, I'm also organizing playdates via email with other mothers etc. So I don't think my time is more valuable but I do have to wonder how a SAHM doesn't have more time bc she doesn't also have to give 30-50 hours to a professional boss. Working moms still have to find time to volunteer at school, pay bills, shop for their kids, plan the holidays and bday parties, go to parent teacher conferences in the middle of the day, go to kids' doctor appts, get to the store, get the oil changed, decorate their houses, PLAY with their kids, help with homework and school projects etc. And working moms get it too. Last night I saw some old friend SAHM's. One said how she's so glad she's now staying at home bc she has been able to help her son's social life. Before when she was working, she just had him in activities bc she was working... Of course, to me that implies that my daughters must not have active social schedules. I didn't say that I'm constantly emailing about playdates at night, in the early morning etc. So my girls have plenty of playdates but i just have to fit in all the planning around my other full time job.

btw - in my mind there's a big difference between a SAHM and a mom who works full or even part-time from home...

You are entitled to your feelings. Perception & reality are two different things. Personally, I think you are reading too much into things. Someone thinking you have more free time than them is entirely different than someone thinking your time is not valuable. You might be projecting or assuming without knowing the intent behind someone's words or actions. As mothers, I'd hope we can all agree that our time is equally as valuable.

Personally, I have done both, working & staying home, and there is no doubt in my mind that I had A LOT more unscheduled, free time when I was a SAHM and a lot more stress & less free, unstructured time when I was a working mom. The fact of the matter is that SAHMs DO have more free time, end of story. My only commitments were play dates, preschool, childcare and household chores. Other than that I could do what I wanted when I wanted to. The dishes & cleaning could wait, I could put that play date off until the next week if I felt like it. That is simply not the case for working moms. You can't put things off & do things at your leisure. There are deadlines & obligations at work, as well as at home & everything in between. There is less time to balance it all.

If I had to ask a SAHM or a working mom for a favor, I'd be asking the SAHM, hands down. When I was one, I would've gladly helped someone out, without any insecurities, without feeling like anyone was looking down on me or treating me like my time didn't mean anything. I did have free time, and lots of it, plain & simple.

More time for what? That would be my question. I was a working mom. Did you have more time to get stuff done around the house? Sure. I imagine you didn't need to spend your weekend doing grocery shopping and laundry, and could have that as family time, whereas for me, it was chore time. However, I probably had more time to make personal phone calls uninterrupted - I could call and make my dr appointments during lunch or get a haircut on my lunch hour, shop for food or makeup without dragging kids along because I had those breaks, and occasionally, I could take a personal, sick or vacation day and still drop the baby at daycare, having a whole day to myself. You probably didn't get that.
As a working mom, we still need to do all of the things that other moms do - our share of the housework, laundry, cooking, child care, school and extra curricular events, etc., but we do those things in addition to working at our jobs. But being at home gives you more to do also - the house is messier because you and kids are there during the day, you have to do the lunch, you have to entertain them and keep up with their demands for attention, it fills up your time. I know that when you are at home, there is probably very little downtime.
The fact is that no matter how much time we have, it gets filled up. There will never be enough hours in the day, and that holds true for working moms and stay at home moms, no matter what ages the kids are.

Depends what you mean. How have they made you feel like your time wasn't as valuable? If it's just being "too busy for stuff" I feel like my friends who are full time sahms (I'm a sahm) act more like that than my working friends. My working friends seem used to scheduling stuff and fitting things in, whereas my sahm friends act a bit more "always overwhelmed and unable to get together" Also, if I am meeting a sahm mom, she is way more likely to be late or flaky than a working mom. I used to work, and still try to maintain a certain level of dependability and promptness, even with 3 crazy kids, and I feel my working mom friends are more that way. I'm sure that's not universal, but it's what I've seen in my friends.

There are only 24 hours in a day for ALL of us. I am a working mom (currently multi-tasking on a web-ex meeting on HPV). I have been in technical sales for 20 years and prior to last year I had a very flexible job where I could be room mom, go to softball games, be an officer in the PTA all through school, team mom, and more. I did a ton of work while my daughter slept at night (bids, quotes, e-mails, research). Truly the best of both worlds. I am a unique situation, most working mothers do not have that flexibility.

I think a big difference with SAHM (and my previous position) and working mothers is the flexibility that SAHMs have. You may not have more time but you might be able throw a load of laundry in at 3 pm, I will be presenting to physicians then about women's health. A benefit for me though is my house stays pretty clean because I'm not home. I haven't had a real lunch break in 16 years...I am always working with clients, patients or on my computer (that's a precious hour).

People are different, families are different and it is wonderful we have options that work for all of us. I'm not jealous or resentful of the other side.

I really wish this 'issue' (which is a non-issue to me) would just die a thousand deaths already. If we are happy and comfortable doing what we are doing with our kids, we shouldn't need to put down anyone else's way of parenting. So I am sorry you are feeling badly about someone else's insinuations. Please don't. That's about them, not you.

I've done both SAHwork and Work-From-Home work ( I had an in-home preschool for 1.5years) and don't feel like I get flak from anyone. Perhaps this is because so many women I know have taken flex time or worked from home, so they know that there isn't that wealth of time some would assume we have. I also perceive questions more as curiosity and less as an insinuation or accusation, and since I've done both, I don't feel defensive about it.

Whenever this topic has come up, I recommend a good book "The Wall Between Women: The Conflict Between Stay-at-Home and Employed Mothers" by Beth Brykman.

http://www.amazon.com/Wall-Between-Women-Conflict-Stay-at...

I was impressed with the methodology the author uses in this book. She has interviewed a broad spectrum of women and focuses on the assumptions, challenges, strengths and abilities on both sides of "the wall".

For myself, I experienced that when I was working part time as a preschool teacher, I had more "me" time because I hired an after-preschool caregiver for my son. Granted, much of that 'me' time was devoted to closing my preschool (doing the dishes and laundry our group generated) , prepping for the next day's activities and other tasks. But I had a break from parenting, which really helped in some ways. Now that I'm more aligned with the SAHM way of things, even though my son is in preschool, it is one day less. I have less time for my own interests and thoughts. My relationship with my son is better because I'm not so busy, but I do get crabbier because I'm not using my brain as much and feel like I'm in Mommyland all day.

From my perspective, no one has the monopoly on the best gig, be it at home or working elsewhere. What's true to me, though, is that it is all WORK.

done it all, have definite opinions on this one! Oh, no....

seriously, I am more productive as a working mom. When I was a SAHM, I wasted many hours doing nothing. Nothing, absolutely nothing....& felt condemned by working moms. I always had excuses for "why" the kids kept me from doing my chores. I never had a spotless home. & truly felt stress.

In all fairness, I played & taught the kids. But you know what? I still managed to do it all when I was working, too! At this point in my life, I honestly am tired of SAHMs who try to justify "why" they are as stressed as working-outside-of-the-home" moms. Get over it....you have an additional 40 hours/week minimum to get the jobs done! I know how you can waste your time!

Now for my disclaimer: I've had an inhome daycare for 10+ years now. I am more productive than I've ever been. The house is cleaner, the chores are done....& I have more free time. I am actively caretaking the children in my daycare....& feel more at ease than I've ever felt. I don't miss working outside of the home....& I am with kids 55+ hours weekly. AND I do not do personal housework during my daycare hours.....it's all about the kids. & I'm happy....

I was at home with my son when he was still an infant. I felt I spent a lot of time doing nothing productive. The baby needed my attention , so I would put away housework. And when the baby slept I wanted to rest too. I would then try to do the cooking etc sometimes with the baby crying for attention I would get so stressed out. My days had no plan whatsoever. I used to be very stressed by the time my husband got home and my house would be still dirty. I felt I had too much time on my hands and didn't use it productively. That's why I decided I wasn't cut out for being a SAHM.
I later started working part-time. I feel I am a better mom. My days have a plan - get up early, get ready , go to work. I come back early from work and cook and feed my son.We then play together for a bit until hubby comes home. I do the exact same things I would do when I was at home but I am much less stressed. My house is still a mess , but I am not stressed as much because I know I wasn't lazing around.
I really admire moms who stay home with their kids and do everything right. Cook fresh meals , do the laundry, keep the house clean and tidy , play with the kids. Yes, 24 hours is not enough when you do all that. It gets very very busy. But then you do get more down time compared to working moms - since I work part time I do get some break in the evenings. But if I were working full time , I know I wouldn't get back home before 6PM and then you have 3-4 hours to do everything. It gets very busy I am sure. But then they do get to do their own thing all through the day , no need to worry about kids stuff every minute of the day unlike SAHM's. They do get coffee breaks,lunch breaks , get to chat with colleagues and friends. SAH Moms are on the job 24/7. Only break they get is when kids take a nap(if they do) and I think most try to get house work done during that time.
I have a lot of respect for SAH moms. And for full time working moms as well. Both are not easy at all.

Hi,
I see that you have many great answers. I offer a different kind of answer. I think we each probably need to develop a thicker skin about what other folks think of us, our lives, and our ways. Once, I was with my husband, and a teen friend of my daughter said to my husband: "My Dad works much harder than you do." Without missing a beat, my husband replied sincerely: "I bet he does. What a good Dad." Later I asked why he didn't defend himself and educate her about how hard his work was. He laughed kindly and explained that he thought that she was making herself and her Dad seem important, and that it really was not about him at all. And of course, he was correct! From that day on, I often noticed that people who seemed to depreciate me or my actions were often really only trying to justify something they valued or did. So give yourself a pat on the back and try not to let folks who are trying to make sense of their lives make you feel less valued. My best to you and your family.

As a working mom, I agree with a lot of the working moms on here. No one's time is more valuable than another's because time is valuable to everyone. That being said, I believe a SAHM without young children in the house is likely to have more time to handle all the tasks of running a household, which is likely to leave you with more free time. It also depends on how much your spouse helps out or whether you have other help. My husband does a lot to help me out, but we still spend weekends and evenings doing household chores, grocery shopping, dropping off dry cleaning and going to the bank. I can't get this done during the day to free up as much time for "free time" on the weekend. When you aren't spending 8+ hours a day at an office and everyone still has the same household responsibilities, the person who is working is obviously more limited.

I am a SAHM and I think I definately have more time than working moms. I get to go meet my friends several times a week just to grab lunch or coffee. I cringe at the thought of having to go back to work...which I don't think I ever will until I have lots of grandkids to spoil! :)
When one of my older children was in Preschool, I always wore my gym clothes so I could just run to the gym while he was in school..yoga pants and a tee. A working mom once said to me and other SAHM's "It must be nice to be able to roll out of bed and bring your kids to school"
My first reaction was anger, but I said, "Sure is!"
I try not and let it get to me, because it IS nice to be able to sleep in and not have to go to a job and answer to someone else!

Having been a working mom and now a SAHM (since January of this year), I do not agree that the concept of time is the same for both working moms and SAHMs. Unless you've been a working mom, it is really hard to comprehend how much has to be compressed in so very little time. Working takes up a huge chunk of your day where you cannot be with your kids. When you have only a few hours each evening to be your children, you tend to view that time as absolutely sacred. Now that I'm a SAHM, I absolutely have more time now to do the things I want to do for and with my family. Even meal planning, grocery shopping, and cooking dinner boarders on being a treat (ok, that's a bit of an exaggeration) now that I have the time to do it all without feeling like I'm using the few hours of the evening that I had with my son to run errands or do chores. In fact, I think having been a working mom has given me great appreciation for the time I now have as a SAHM. There's no judgment in that - just an appreciation of one of the joys of being a SAHM.
Thanks for the interesting question!

There are people I know who for the longest time thought that since I worked from home, I could take care of their kids if they were sick so they wouldn't miss school - thanks for trusting me to watch your sick kids! (LOL!)

I have a girlfriend whom I love dearly and she works full time - she has told me there is NO WAY I could EVER go back to the office because she depends upon me too much! LMAO!!! Our dogs play together, our kids play together, we have fun together - it's sooo funny! I pick her son up from school sometimes...

So on to your question - there are times when working moms think they their situation is special or that since they have limited time with their kids, it's a problem because they "don't get a life"....I tell them this is the road you chose...don't think that I sit around eating bon-bons all day and watching TV - I don't.

When I worked - I had friends ask me how I did it - worked and kept up with the kids and house...I told them flat out - I have a cleaning crew come in weekly....I could because that's what my salary would cover! :) and I told my boss when I was working that my family was more important than money and I needed flexibility. If a job can't offer me that? then I don't need it.

It's a choice people make.

I am not only a working mom, but the breadwinner in our household. My mother was a stay at home mom. She was telling me that she would feel the same way as you are posting. The example would be for car pooling. Working moms would expect that she should do the majority of car pooling. It got me thinking if I would assume the same thing? I don't think I would expect it, but would be grateful if someone offered. In terms of if I feel as if my time is more limited.... maybe more diversified, but just as limited as everyone else's 24 hours. As a working mom, I sometimes get into the trap of thinking I am doing it all - but what I don't add into that is the amount of time the day care is watching my child while I am not. So, I'm not actually doing it all. I sometimes get the feeling from SAHM's that if I was a 'better' mom, I would be able to stay home and care for my child instead of the daycare doing a good portion of the work. And who's to say that isn't true? Regardless if you are working or SAH, generally women are the main caretaker for children (either all day or working mom's aren't working) and we all have a lot on the plate. Sometimes we can't see past our own problems and think the other side is greener and have it easy (they don't).

I am guilty of judging... I think that it is often due to jealousy, on top of truly not understanding the whole story.
For example, 8 years ago, when I had my first baby, I worked full-time outside the home and all the moms in the neighborhood were SAHM's. We would chat outside sometimes and they would complain about how busy their day was and I honestly could not understand what they were complaining about. I thought to myself, "How hard is it to do a few loads of laundry in 8 hours?" I was jealous because I felt like I was fitting more into my day than they were...The thing is, I had no experience as SAHM at that time, so I could not empathize. And I had no understanding that as a SAHM, you are juggling much more than a few loads of laundry! So, dear moms, I apologize for being naive and judgmental 8 years ago. I just really did not know.
My brother recently said something to me about not understanding why our mom was complaining about not having enough funds to drive down here for a visit... I can see that part of it is jealousy, as from the outside it might appear that my parents have plenty of dough (house paid off, etc) and he and his wife struggle financially, but he does not know the full story (parents still paying doctor bills for brother's cancer, Dad has not had enough construction work, etc etc). Similarly, I have had friends who act like their time is more valuable than mine because they work outside the home, and I work from home with flexible hours. I am not about to give them a play-by-play of my day, but I do work hard and I work 8 hours a day as well as take care of the cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, child care etc. I think these people are just jealous because it might appear that I have more free time on my hands than they do, but they really do not know the full story.

I am a stay at home mom with my husband working 60+ hours a week. No family or friends close to home to help with my 8 month old and NO daycare.

When your a stay at home mom, your chores are like tripled compared to a working mom. (NOTHING against working mothers at all!!) But, it is true. You're home all day with your kid(s) and you have to continually clean up messes, continually wash dishes, make more meals, do more laundry ect.

Working moms only have breakfast and dinner dishes compared to the stay at home mom who has breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack, bottle dishes. Working moms don't have to wash "tummy time" blankets used through out the day that may have been spit up/peed/pooped on ect.

Just some examples.

And working mothers, I am not at all saying the stay at home moms have more work to do than you.

I think it about equals out. But working moms need to decide whether they want to spend time with their kids or clean/shop or whatever. Housework will ALWAYS be there. It isn't going anywhere.

Placing value on time is not a zero-sum game. A working mom saying that her time off of work is very valuable to her and protecting that time does not equal her saying your time is less valuable. I have been a working mom, and now get to be a stay at home mom. Ditto to what Happy Mama said. Imagine only having 3 hours a day Mon-Fri in which you have to cram spending time with your kids, making dinner, helping with homework, attending sporting events or school activities, etc. Then you still have to fit in cleaning the house, grocery shopping, laundry, etc. without using the hours of 6am to 5pm. You will view your time very differently.

I was a sahm for 6 years and got mostly everything done and I can say that since I began working a year ago I no longer have the time to get all the chores done. Its not that my time when I was a sahm was less valuable its just that I had more of it, time that is, to get things done than I do now that I hold a job where I answer to a boss and have set hours.

It's not just other moms. My husband tells me constantly that I have no right to tell him he needs to clean up his area of the house. He's an absolute pig, embarrassing, and I'd be afraid of the health department seeing it at times. There are areas of the house I can NOT get to. BUT, he says because I'm home all day long, I get to clean all day long. Though that's true, his area sits quiet all day with no one in it. My daughter and him make all those messes in about 1 hour per night and maybe 8-10 hours on the weekend total. I on the other hand, have kids, daycare parents, animals, and my mother, living in the home all day, dragging toys around, using art supplies, opening and closing doors, dragging dirt in off their shoes, and it never stops. 7 days per week, 24 hour per day, it's like shoveling snow while it's still snowing.

Yesterday, I took 6 kids to the grocery store. Yet my daycare moms have no problem stopping at the store 2-3 days per week without asking me how I feel. In their mind, they are paying for the day and they will decide how long of a day that will be. So yes, I am with you. They can't handle the 1 or 2 they have and I have to take 6 kids through the store.

Not only that, I have to jump when someone needs me, be it my husband or my grown daughters, or the daycare parent that can't get home in time to get their kids...I have to jump up and run to a school I haven't planned on or meet with a contractor that wasn't part of my day, etc. Phone calls...I am supposed to make them, laundry, my job....

We do all have 24 hours per day.

I get an hour or two with my kid at night, after a long day of to do lists at work. The grass is always greener on the other side. I dont even leave the office during the day, once a month i think i am able to make it to the bank. I need repairs on my car but that would involve someone else taking me and picking me up from work so Im procrastinating it. I think the word might be SAHM moms have more freedome with their schedule and can do more things. I have weekends and nights to fit in my errands and phone calls. It took me 3 weeks to call sprint to fix my cell phone bill.

Everyone's time is valuable. I am a teacher so 10 months a year I am a working mother and 2 months a year I am a stay at home mom. I much prefer the 2 months as a stay at home mom. I don't know what other people's circumstances are like but when I am working I am still responsible for everything else and there just aren't enough hours in the day. I wake up at 5 in the morning to get my kids ready and so I can be at work by 7. By the time I get the kids and come home from work its 4:00. After a full day of work I now have to unpack bags, pack lunches, make dinner, clean up after dinner, do laundry, clean the house, bathe two kids, hopefully get a shower in for myself, maybe pay bills, maintain a social life (not really:) ) Grade papers and try and get 5 hours of sleep. And oh yeah, try and fit in some quality time and stories before bedtime. Thank goodness my husband does most of the food shopping. I am exhausted and busy all the time, my house is a mess, and nothing ever seems to all get done. I don't have my kids involved in any extracurricular activities because there just isn't any time. Like last night all kids got bathed but not me :( I always say if there were only two extra hours in each day...... In the summer I feel great. I have so much time to get everything done. My house is clean, my kids are clean, I am clean and best of all I can finally slow down and savor the time I have with my family.

I am both in one. I am a sahm but also work from home and not one but 2 work from home jobs.
I myself have a 9 yo and 4 yo. Monday thru Friday I have a 5 month old and 3yo that I watch. Plus I am an Independent Partylite Consultant. When there is no school I have my 2 children, the younger two and a 6 yo. During the week my 2 children are at school and I only have the younger 2. I make my phone calls while they nap, sit on the floor and make up my packets and give away gifts while they are awake. Plus doing my normal up keep of my home. My children are in soccer and my son is in Cub scouts.
Do I have time? Im the last one in bed and the 1st to wake up. Today is a rare day that I have what I call "off" so Im forgetting all the mess and the typical cleaning and enjoying the rare quiet that I dont get.
I dont get to sit and chat at playdates. My "adult" time is shows, meetings, and trainings. Even though today is an off day. I was out running around from the time I put my kids on the bus at 8 this morning until 12 this afternoon. Once my kids are home its time for homework, cooking dinner and getting my oldest ready for a cub scout meeting. That will run till almost 9 tonight then back home to get both kids bathed and into bed.
Have I always been a sahm, NO. I went to college and worked a full time job while my son was an infant. I graduated when he was 2 years old. Up until a couple years ago I was doing work from home Drafting. After I graduated my son went to daycare while I worked full time until he was 4 yo and off to preschool. When I found out that I was pregnant with my daughter did we decide for me to stay home due to cost.
I have just as much time as the typical mother that works a full time job. Im just lucky enough to find 2 jobs that I get paid for to work out of home to be with my children.
Everyone of course has their opinions and some moms are envious of the others. Each person thinks about what it would be like if they worked or stayed at home. My husband who would stay home a day or two to watch our son while I went to school gives me all the credit in the world to do what I do. I dont mean to sound rude, disrespectful or anything of that matter. Just stating not all stay at home moms go off to playdates or take their kids to the park and just let them run. Alot if working moms wont last a week doing what a sahm does.

The reason, I, as a working mom, do NOT see SAHM's having more time on their hands is because most SAHM's have kids with them at all times rather than just after work or a few full days. I work full-time, not only for monitary reasons, but sanity too. I was not "built" to be a SAHM. I've tried it. I'm not good at it... IMO, I downright SUCK at it.

Aren't we all good at somethings but not others? I see being a SAHM as a full-time job w/overtime and no monitary benefits, but do have the benefit [and patience that I lack] of watching their children grow and spend more time with them. There are positives and negatives in all jobs/careers... I see a SAHM as someone who has a different job/career than I do. It's really that simple to me.

I have watched other working mom's make think like you're speaking of... Just as I have been ridiculed for not spending enough time with my kids by SAHM's. Some go so far as to say I'm permanently damaging my children by not staying home. Do I think all SAHM's have that thought process? No way. Just like you've stated that not all working mom's treat you like so either.

The ONLY time I've ever questioned someone about their time is when I've asked my mother to retreive my son from daycare because they called and said he had a fever. This is AFTER I called my MIL, my EX SIL, my EX MIL, my stepmom, and a friend or two... There's a huge reason my mother is the last on my list [but won't get into it]. And the reason I needed someone else to go get him is because my husband and I work together and it's 28mi from DS's daycare [much closer to our house as well as family]. She claimed that she had way too much to do. I asked [stupidly], "Like what?" She says, "Chuck's prescriptions have to be picked up and I have to get gas in the van. And I have to get milk." [Chuck is my stepdad] I said, "Well, how much are the scripts? Because I can get his scripts for you and get milk there too." Her reply? "They're too expensive... Nevermind... I'll do it after you get here." I got to her house 25min after she went and got him. I didn't expect her to watch him all day. I didn't expect her to even keep him an hour. But I also didn't want to get every other kid in his class sick because I couldn't get to him fast enough.

Now mind you, she doesn't have any kids at home. She doesn't work. She doesn't go to Bingo. She doesn't hang out with friends [in fact, she has very few]. She doesn't watch either of my kids full-time. Just my daughter for an hour before school and an hour or two after school. Only once MAYBE twice she's watched my son in the 3.5yrs he's been around. And I MIGHT ask for her to do me a favor like this ONCE A YEAR AT MOST. My MIL, always happy to help [as long as she's home which is most often, but not always].

My mother is the only woman I've ever suspected has more time than I do. Especially since she never is too busy to take my daughter to Greenfield Village or Big Boy or Toys R Us or whatever..... Always too busy for my son. [then again, this is a woman that told me "boys are mean. I don't like boys. Don't expect me to treat him like I do 'M' [my daughter]."

*sorry for the rant!*

I give credit to SAHM's. They can do something I'm not so good at.
That was another thing I didn't mention.... No one is at my house making messes all day like kids that are home all day do.

I'm a SAHM and have three kids, 6, 3 & 2. I feel like I don't have time for all that I would like to accomplish. My primary responsibility is the kids and I try to keep them as the priority. Therefore, I don't run all the errands during the week. I try to think of my time with the kids more like if they were in preschool/daycare and try to make plans accordingly.

The household chores, errands are secondary. I could spend my whole day, everyday doing household chores and errands and would still not finish. As I rinse dishes and put them in the dishwasher (which when hubby is home would only take 10 minutes or so), it takes maybe 20 minutes or sometimes more if the kids are having a bad day. Also, lets not forget that as I am doing the dishes, they are playing...making a mess in the other room. Also, since we're all home we make more of a mess and make more dishes...about 1 1/2 dishwasher loads a day. What takes me and the kids 10 minutes or more to cleanup - only takes them one minute to be a complete mess again. The errands which take only 5-10 minutes to drop off drycleaning, go to the bank or postoffice are now doubled with the kids.

My other issue with time is that I feel that if I worked, my husband would do more of the errands, chores, and making dinners, but I feel that now as SAHM I am expected to do more.

I would love to be a sahm. I do not have that chance. I'm a single mom who has to rush everywhere and taking care of her kid . I do not say you are not busy but trust me think of all the work you have to do as a sahm mother and then add on the extra 40 hours of work you need to do at an office. That is the difference.. SAHM yes you have a lot of work to do and yes it DOES keep you busy all week long but then add 40 MORE HOURS AT LEAST to that schedule and see how you feel.

Yeah no naps here and they are long days. Nope, no meeting with friends here, just a mom's group to get the kids out of the house. Many a time has the mom's group meeting been a disaster, lol. I work very PT from home and it requires all my concentration when I'm working. Many times I finish when my kids are in bed. Talk about a long day! That's hard to do with two small children at home. Here's the thing, no way is easy. I have compassion for working moms, SAHMs and everything in between. IF one of these women are rude toward me or a particular group, I secretly withdraw any sympathy I have toward them, including my listening ear. Basically, let things go in one ear and out the other. This will lessen your attention on these types of things. Also, I would suggest distancing yourself from negative people.

I am a working, single mother. I have been for some time. Think of it this way, the things that you have all day to do around the house, I only have evenings and weekends. Plus this includes errands. I'm not saying one is better than the other, and I'm not saying anyone's time is more valuable. But a working mom's time is definitely more limited. How could it not be?

I think Donita nailed it with her story about the working mom who said "must be nice to roll out of bed and bring your kids to school". It's about perception. The statement the working mom made was an innocent statement, probably a little jealous, that many SAHMs percieve to mean - you don't do anything all day, which couldn't be farther from the truth. I work at home. I posted on facebook complaining about work piling up when I took a day off, a SAHM friend replied "I wish I could have a day off". I know she didn't mean anything by it, but it really ticked me off because I perceived it to mean that she works harder than I do - and my perception was skewed.

The grass is always greener. We all work hard. Working moms have less housework because our kids are not at home all day, but we have to cram all the other daily chores into evenings and weekends. Stay at home moms have more time to get things done because they are at home, but they have a lot more household chores because they have little people messing things up all day. Both sides need to count their blessings instead of being so defensive.

I can't speak to SAHM. I don't think that anyone's time is more valuable than anyone else's.

However, I do think my time WITH MY FAMILY is more limited than a SAHM. I am away from the house for 12 hours Monday -Thursday. I do get Friday afternoons off, so that obviously, makes up for it some.

I see my daughter for at most, 2 hours Monday through Thursday. And that includes 15 minutes to a half hour getting her up and to daycare in the mornings. I see my husband about 2-2.5 hours because I go to be fairly early. My choice? I suppose you could assume that, but when I can't keep my eyes open at 8:30 or 9, my body is telling me to get some sleep.

And I think I have it lucky for a working mom. I can't imagine moms who work more than 40 hours a week or have the kind of commute I used to have.

That said, I also know that some SAHM's get a ton done during the day and others don't.

When my daughter was born I went right back to work and worked full time for the next 3 years, until my son was born. At that time I decided to be a stay at home mom. For me, staying home has been the most difficult job I've ever had and also the most rewarding. I've made major sacrifices to do what I do and taken on different responsibilities. I don't judge any parent, regardless of what choice they make. This is the right choice for me, at this time, and I am grateful daily that I can do this, sacrifices and all. My mom used to tell me that your kids need you when they are little and they need you again as teenagers. Whether I work or not, I try to always put people first, before tasks. It's an ongoing struggle for me because I'm very task oriented. Whether I work outside the home or not, my days are full and I find myself wishing for more time because there are so many things I want to do. When I worked I hired people to do some of the things I do now. There is no right or wrong. When my kids are both in elementary school I imagine I'll have more free time, but I'm not there yet. Our job is to follow our hearts and do the best we can with what we have. Everyone has a right to their own feelings and opinions and I can choose who I let into my life. I choose people who support me and think, "I understand you feel that way" to others. Now, try dating as a divorced stay at home mom with 2 kids. Talk about feeling judgement ;) I can't tell you how many dates have asked me about my plans to go back to work.

Yes I agree with you to a degree. I work part time. My "one" SIL that thinks she is busier than everyone else, does not work outside the home. Once, when she was working full time, we were having a family party. We asked her to bring cool whip to the party. She said to us "I don't have time to buy cool whip, I WORK FULL TIME". That has been a family jab at her for years, of course only between me and my fav SIL. I think if women generally think they are more important than you, they may think this. That has been my opinion. On another note, when my kids act like this, that they don't have time for such and such, my husband will pipe in and say "look, God gives all of us 24 hours in each day. If you sleep for 8 hours, you still have 16 hours to do..............." and fill in the blank. It puts it in perspective for me and my schedule.

I do feel that SAHMs do have more time once the kids are in school. My sister is a SAHM - her kids leave by 8 am, they are not home until about 3 pm. We each have a cleaning lady. We each make dinner each night (with spouses). I work from 8 am until about 5:30-6 pm. She does not. So how does she not have more free time? She is not cooking or cleaning or taking care of the kids in that time.

Bottom line is...
Every person has their own life to live.
Some can stay at home. Some can not. Some want to stay at home but have to work. It is not about who is better then who. Just depends on the person.

What's most important is that you're happy. I have been a full-time working mom, a 70% time working mom, and am now a SAHM. There were benefits to each of those situations. I have never felt judged by any moms regarding whatever situation I am in because it was either out of my control or they knew I was happy or unhappy. For example, I didn't want to work full-time. Moms who stayed at home felt sorry for me, and moms who worked full-time understood. When I was a part-time employee, I felt it was great. I had my foot in both doors. Being at home full-time has been lonely for me. It's what I thought I wanted at one time, but working at least part time is better for my psyche. Now, I volunteer at a hospital and go to school. When I do something like that, I come home so much more alive and happy to see the family.

I am a sahm and our days can get pretty busy, but I also feel like if it is getting to be too much then we take a day of rest. For example, I used to teach and just recently started subbing in several districts in my area. I absolutely love it because I can pick and choose when I want to work and when I don't. I worked Monday afternoon and Wednesday morning at two different schools. I got 4 separate calls this morning for jobs, but I didn't want to work today so I turned them down. I know I will get about that many calls tomorrow. Everybody always wants Friday off!
Anyway, I do feel like I have more flexibility with my schedule as a sahm than when I was working full time. I went back to finish out the school year (for 7 weeks) after my son was born and gained a whole new respect for working parents. Especially single working parents. I was exhausted and I missed my family!! I haven't been made to feel like my time is less valuable by working women personally, but I do feel that attitude is out there. Sometimes I think my husband feels like he is the only one working his bum off-and he does, but I do most of the cleaning, cooking, laundry, stay up at night with sick kids, etc. So I am working hard too. He does help some, so it is just a give and take. My guess if working moms are making you feel this way, it is because there is some envy happening there.
A.