How Do I Get in a Routine Again?

Try the Fly Lady. Flylady.net, sign up for her emails, its all free and she is all about routine, which is very necessary for mother sanity and the kids crave it too.

I second the recommendation for flylady.net. It's corny and I delete a lot of the "inspirational" emails but I've found it has helped me to put a cleaning system in place in my house and get the kids involved. I find that I have more time than ever to work on my projects (I often work from home), keep the house clean, AND play with my kids. Babysteps are the key. Good luck!

Talking about it is the first step into getting back to your new job, A Stay @ Home Mom. I don't think there is a routine you can get into with having 4, going on 5 children. So I think what you're looking for is flexibility with daily chores.
I have 3 children and have never gotten used to being a SAHM with a perfectly clean house. If you want a clean house, that's what you'll have but not a home. Don't feel guilty that your house won't always be clean. I know that's what SAHMs believe that's what makes them a successful one. It's not! The true success is raising your children to be healthy happy, patient and compassionate kids who want to be at home. But remember this, your husband is always number one. Your children will learn from you and your husband's relationship whether it be their real father or not. Respect each other.
Take time out for yourself everyday as you do with each of your kids. I wake up early in the mornings to have time to myself and drink my cup of coffee. During the day, I make sure I tell each one of my children that I love them very much. Do the important things everyday! And I don't mean disinfecting the bathrooms, mopping the floors and/or laundry, etc... Make a schedule for those bi-weekly and get those things out of the way so you can reward yourself later in the day.
You're lucky that you CAN stay at home. There are so many moms and even dads who have to work. Some want to work who have children because it's a time to get away. You want to stay at home and that's wonderful!
When you said you wanted to make time to color and paint with your kids, do it!! You have the opportunity to do it and have a real purpose to too! Help your children create cards, pictures or books for your mother. It will be very soothing for you and even your children to tell your mother how much you care for her.
Don't feel guilty if you don't have a clean house! I know that's what you think the success of a SAHM reflects. It's not. If some people, friends, or relatives believe that and frown upon you, then they have never been in your shoes! It's way easier to keep a clean house when your working, this I know for a fact!! It's an adjustment for you since you just quit work. Don't think it's easy to step right into, it's not at all. The big difference between working and being a SAHM, is this is real life. Not some company who wants to make money, playing political games, controlling people, etc... SAHM job is not even comparable. You're molding human beings, your blood! You don't get paid but no one can pay you enough to how important you are to your family. You've step up into the job rankings. You're the CEO/CFO/COO and even the CTO of your family but feels like the Sanitation Engineer everyday. ;)
I think you're doing the right thing and it'll get easier everyday if you take one day at a time with flexibility.
This is all just my opinion so you can take it with a grain of salt.

WOW B., sounds like you have your hands full, but your up to the challenge.
ENJOY staying home, and having a supportive husband who enjoys a stay home mommy. :)
Give yourself a break, you have been through a LOT of challenges recently sweetie. It's ok to feel the way you are feeling.
I would like to suggest for you to join a club, or organization of oyur choice, where you have something YOU enjoy doing. Maybe an organization that helps support Breast cancer projects?
You will snap out of this mood, but expect to feel a little "overwhelmed" during your pregnance, thats normal.
Remember to take time for you. Find a way to incorporate clean up games for your children to help you with the house, so it doens't seem like a never ending battle. :)
Make a 5 day a week chart of goals for yourself. Do one room a day, or one chore a day. If your feeling great, then do two and give yourself a break the next day.
I hope this helps a little.
The number one suggestion I have is to really lean on God. He is up there reaching His hands out to you right now saying B., please reach up and let me help you.
Sometimes when we experience painful things, we try to control other situations so we do not get hurt again, but with God, we do not have to have a brick wall up. He knows what we need, before we even ask. :) It will be especially good if yall can all go as a family. :)
Good luck to you, and blessings are coming your way.
In Christ,
N.

Hi B.,

K. here. I've never responded to these, but your note touched a chord. I owned my own design business until I was pregnant with my first. (I now have 3 boys, 4 1/2 years apart).

I went through my version of identity crisis going from a professional to a "home body."

The rewards of working are of an immediate nature. My clients' satisfaction, a tangible product I'd designed visible throughout the community, professional peer interaction, and I got PAID.

Motherhood is so different. The work we do is undone the second we do it. Instead of intellectual conversations we find ourselves talking about poopy pants and mud pies. Our big accomplishment for the day would be the outstanding event that the laundry was not only washed, but folded AND put away. And we don't earn a dime in our name.

I thought running a business was hard work.
Motherhood is the hardest.

And my boys' father was more interested in his work than his children. He was rarely around. And when he was, he didn't involve himself with them, or my world.

I began to take on design projects at home. It added more stress and meant late nights working because being there for the boys was my top priority, but it gave me the temporary immediate satisfaction I needed. It also taught the boys that their Mom had marketable skills. And they learned to be flexible with me.

But I want to share something with you one wise mother told her daughter when she was complaining about never being able to keep a clean house. She said, "When the kids are grown and gone, what do you think they'll remember best, that the floors were swept and vacuumed, or the time you fingerpainted with them, or read to them, or took them to the park?"

I held on to that like a Rottweiler. When the boys are grown and gone, what do I want to leave them with? With great strength, courage and gutwrenching, I'd sit down and play with them, and leave the floors for later.

It gave me the greatest gift no job ever could. It gave me entry into their wonderful, miraculous world. And it changed my life.

Now my boys are all teens, with my oldest turning 17 today. We're very close. We still end our day with me reading a chapter or two--the books have gone from Dr. Suess to Ender's Game and Dune... We still play--the games have gone from imaginary dinosaur adventures to Guitar Hero and Blockus. Okay, we don't go to the park much, but we just went to the Exploratorium and LucasFilms together. Instead of making block towers we're composing music together.

I am once again operating my design business--at home so I can take the boys to school and be here after I pick them up. I divorced a year and a half ago, left everything to my husband, and am able to support myself and the boys. It's a LOT of work, but they're very helpful, supportive, and proud of my work. We're there for each other.

They've gone from "always needing me" to being self-sufficient and independent. They're very close brothers, too, so they're really enjoyable to be around. They're discovering their passions and have the security and self-esteem to go for 'em.

I couldn't ask for better rewards.

But I still love getting those clients' checks!

So to summarize, and I'm sorry this is so long... We have choices to make when we become a mom. And I don't believe the same choice is the right choice for everyone. But I do believe the right choice is the one that considers--with a mothers' unconditional love--the consequences for our children down the road.

It's our responsibility. (They didn't ask to be here.) And the rewards are longlasting and priceless.

Congratulations on your newest gift. And best of luck to you.

K.

Hi B.,

I am in the same boat you were in 3 1/2 years ago.

I worked as a dental assistant for 13 years, was very articulate.. too much probably, the house was probably too clean.. I worked on a 15-60 minute schedule all day (whenever the patients came in) and i was really good at what i did. I would work all day and enjoy making a home nice in the evening. I was just always on the go..

My ideal invision from childhood of my future is the same.. I am a stay at home mom.. However, the house has fallen apart, I'm falling apart and I am miserable most of the time! My daughter is approaching two and her "colors" are showing.
Anyhow I am also scared of this situation. It's like a dream turned.. "reality!" So, if you want to motivate eachother B... I need it too! We'll make that schedule we think about having but never get around to doing it.. and follow it!

Hi B.,
The simple answer is, hire a housekeeper! Then you will have a clean house and time to spare for yourself.

I have an amazing housekeeper named Beh. He comes three days a week for a few hours, cleans up the kitchen, washes, folds and puts the laundry away, sweeps the floors, vacuums, etc. Once a week he deep cleans the bathrooms and bedrooms, dusts, etc.

I run my own business from home and I don't have much disposable income at all, but the money I spend on Beh each week is the best money I have ever spent! It is SO worth it. I save the money by not going to Starbucks or buying unnecessary junk at Target, plus I drive a fuel-efficient car and I cook at home instead of ordering out. It's so easy to cook when I don't have to always clean it all up by myself!

He was out of town for a week and I spent an average of 2 hours a DAY of cleaning up messes, doing laundry, loading and unloading the dishwasher, sweeping, vacuuming, etc. Not all at once, but I did keep track and that's what it worked out to. And my house was still just "kid clean", not spotless like it is when Beh comes.

I spent ALL my free time that week just cleaning and running errands. I felt cranky and irritated from having zero downtime, and I was a lot more snappy with my kids.

Don't get me wrong, I still do a lot of picking up and putting things away, and I cook a lot. But cleaning no longer *consumes* all my free time. I can hang out with my husband or work in the evening instead of "catching up" on housecleaning.

Anyway, Beh is awesome and I would recommend him to anyone. Children LOVE him. My baby would follow him around the entire time he was here if he could. My 4 year old talks to him about all kinds of things, and I have to tell him to leave Beh alone and stop bothering him! But he loves the kids too.

Also, I thought it might be weird to have a strange man in the house 3 days a week, but he is so unobtrusive, courteous and professional, I don't mind at all. He knows when to stay out of my way, and when it's OK to chat a little.

I swear, I'm not an agent or anything, I just think that all overwhelmed moms with kids need a Beh in their lives! Before I found him we had a cleaning service come 2x a month, but it was little or no help, since what I really needed help with was dishes and laundry and the daily household grind.

He also does windows, organizes cupboards, carries heavy shipping boxes for me, pretty much anything I need him to do. Did I mention that he is awesome? ;-)

Here's his contact info:
Behrouz Shojaei
###-###-#### cell
____@____.com­com

Hope that helps!

L. Hamilton
http://www.theportablebaby.com

Hello, i am aslo a mom of 4 kids, 3 boys and 1 girl and am expecting our 5th in August. It took me a little while to settle in to a routine but the biggest things that helped me were settling a schedule of what things I would do around the house dailey and not feel overwhelmed that I had to get everything done. I ahd to realize it was me against 5 others if you count my husnband also. My children have chores that they do but it is hardly a dent in the regular things that need to get done. The laundry and the pick up is more than enough to keep me busy everyday. You are probably tired from the pregnancy and that makes it a little more overwhelming than normal. Make sure you put asid ea t least a little bit of time evryday for you, I like to exercise or walk and have to realize that some days that will not happen because someone always needs me as I am sure is the same with you. also find friends with kids that you can hang out with, the park, Mc donalds eTc... Just some adult conversation is always good and then your kids get to play also. Good luck and God bless you!

Tip#1 - Get out of the house!
With 4 kids running around, of course you can't keep it clean. Clean it up at night when they are asleep or get your husband or the older children to pitch in. If you can afford to, look for a professional housecleaner to come in just once to get you back on track or get a monthly service. Once the place is clean to your satisfaction, focus on maintenance and remember the less time you spend inside with the kids, the less opportunity they have to wreck the place. :-)
I know the weather is bad right now but I find that everything runs smoother and the kids and I are happier with the more outings we have each day. Take them to the park, the library, the duck pond in Springtown, the recreation center on East Ave., SuperFranks, ChuckeeCheese, McDonald's PlayPlace on P Street, or any of the various bouncy houses in the area.
There's a ton of fun stuff to do with kids locally for free or very cheap. Going to these places also relieves some of the pressure of having to design fun activities for the kids at home.
Tip #2 - Socialize with other moms.
Playdates (not at your house) will keep your kids active and also help you stay connected to others so you don't get lonely or depressed. This also gives you a reason to take care of yourself and look nice like you did when you were working.
Tip #3 - Take Breaks.
4 kids & pregnant? That's a big load! Can you afford to use one of the drop-off childcare centers a few hours a week to have a little time just for you? I use P3 Party Place on Railroad and there's also another good drop off daycare at the rec center. They also have sibling discounts.
If you can't afford the drop-off day care, I don't think there's anything wrong with turning on a kids movie once in a while if mommy needs a break! :-)
Good Luck!

I'd recommend FLYLady -- a free website, with daily email digests, that outline small baby steps to controling clutter, and putting your life on track. Her philosophy: you can do anything for 15 minutes; the house didn't get messy all at once, so don't try to "fix" it all at once.

She has routines, and even has routines to empower kids to take some responsibility for their rooms -- it's called the House Fairy.

FLY stands for Freely Loving Yourself. ;-)

Check out www.flylady.net

GOOD LUCK!
C.

no wonder you feel overwhelmed! you have a lot going on. i am a sahm of 2 year old twins. i spend some time cleaning while they are playing together or by themselves. when they want my attention. i happily, even if it's not convienent drop everything and read, play or whatever they are requesting. sometimes they have to wait a minute or two, but... i schedule project time like painting or baking in the afternoon after naps and a little snack or lunch. it took awhile to get into a routine and with 4 it may be an ever changing one. i too feel overwhelmed, i think it comes with the job. good luck! don't be too hard on yourself!

Dear B.,
Oh, it is hard. I have just two (5 years old and 16 months), but I know EXACTLY what you mean by "kid clean"! What I have done is find a way to get time to myself. I know, impossible. But I found a way to create a small business (a publication for other moms) that I can do throughout the day or at night, which gives me purpose and makes me feel like I am not just a caretaker for the next 10 years. If you can find a way to eek out time to yourself, do it.

And the other strategy I have is, figure out what you can live with and what you can't as far as the house is concerned. I find that if I can mop the floors (real basic mopping, just spray the dirty areas and use a sponge mop) and keep the dishes at least in the sink soaking (not on the counter anyway), I feel like the house is "clean." I have given up on other things (cobwebs, the bathroom, etc, scary I know) but as long as the floor isn't sticky, I'm good.
I hope that helps you! It is a hard period of time.

Hi B.

Being a stay at home mom does not suit everyone, why make your life miserable if this is not something that suits you personally. It does not make you a bad parent if you don't stay at home. I know many fantastic parents who leave the home for work, and their home ends up being a much healthier place, as mom feels that she has had her grown up time and can now deal with the craziness of the home. My dearest friend was so looking forward to staying home and gave up work when her second child was born, however 16 months later when her third child was born, she yearned for work. Now her youngest two are 4 and 3 and she is working. When she picks up her children from day care, she finds that she can cope with anything.

I am a stay home mom to three children, but my kids are spaced apart and so are able to help me. They drive me crazy but I like it.

Don't beat yourself up, there is no right way of doing things. The only right way is doing what works for your family and that might mean you working part time or full time.

Good luck

B.,
It looks like you have gotten some really good advice so far. You may want to take a few minutes and seriously review your personal expectations of being a SAHM. You mentioned you are waiting for the "excitement of staying home to kick in". What kind of excitement are you looking for?? If you are defining it as a type of joy and contentment in spending quality time with your children, that is one kind. But if you are thinking of the daily thrill you got at work dealing with different people and situations, that is a completely different type of excitment. Full time parenting and full time working will provide you with totally different things and it is like comparing apples to oranges. Perhaps taking a strong look looking at what tasks and events you personally need to be happy will help you. If you are happy and secure in your choices, then your family will pick up on it and respond accordingly. Good luck!!!

There is a reason you chose to stop working... think about when you were working and how much you wanted to be home (doing that myself right now). I have a similar battle in that when staying at home I end up in a chair asking for "happy meds". The one thing that I keep telling myself right now is that if I were to stop working again and be a SAHM I would get into a routine and "losely" schedual each day the same way I do with task at work, and the larger part of the morning would be with the kids (they are only this age for this moment and I would rather get the time with them then shine my floors, at least that is what I tell myself) while the after lunch would be quiet time (kids) or cleaning time (me- I'm a bit of a perfectionist and if I cant do it right I have a hard time getting motivated). The biggest thing is to be aware of your self and how you are feeling and if you feel you are starting to get depressed force yourself to get out and do something and/or to get control of something even if it is a sparkling bathroom. If all else fails try getting a few self help books. The FlyLady has a great one that helps incorporate cleaning and a healthy mentality into your life. I hope you are able to find your balance.

I am a part time working mom. Also I HATE, LOATHE, DESPISE, and avoid housework! My problem was I didn't have any sort of routine for anything. I really didn't know how to make a routine. So I always felt rushed, disorganized, and even depressed about things I had to do. Someone mentioned (on this board) about checking out flylady http://www.flylady.net/index.asp. So I checked it out and at first I thought it was really corny. But you know the more I read the more it made sense. I have been doing her babysteps, challanges, and 15 minute boogies for over a month now and I can't believe how it has changed our lives. My house is clean including my and my kids bedroom. Our whole family is ON TIME for work, school, appointments, paying bills, etc. Heck I have even been exercising for the first time in many... many... many... months. Any we always have a plan for weekly meals and even family/play time. I can't believe how uplifted I feel now and I don't feel overwhelmed. It has really made a difference in our family.

Sounds to me like you need to have a career. Perhaps working part time and staying home part time would work for you. Someone could do the SAHM part that you don't like and you could schedule fun times with your children.
D.
retired teacher, early childhood professional
CranioSacral Therapist/Pregnancy Massage

How lucky you are...a loving husband, beautiful family,and another on the way. Your prime focus should always be the children and then your husband. The LAST thing you should be concerned about is a pristine house. WHO CARES? As long as you can navigate safely through the house, so what if there's a bit of dust on the bookshelf or table? When your children are grown and look back on their childhood, will they remember a spotless house or the joy of having a mother who spent time with them, playing with and loving them.

Try to relax a bit and enjoy the kids. They're only young for a short time. Before you know it they'll be grown and on their own.

Make a schedule. That's what my Mom did when I and my 3 brothers were young. It worked great and gave us some flexibility.
Breakfast
Clean up
1/2 t.v.
1 hour alone play / creative time
chore for the day (divided up amungst us) ex. trash, pets clean up, dishes, room, laundry, etc.
1 hour together play time
Lunch
Clean up
1/2 hr. t.v.
seperate play time (1 hour)
if chore didn't get done in the morning do it now
play together / study or home work
Dinner
clean up
prep for bed
---------------------------------------------------------
You can make the schedule as you like it, but it does help with making sure every one spends time together as well as alone which is healthy in today's stressful world.

Good luck and enjoy your home and surroundings. Make it the way you want it to be and be proud.
S.

Hi B.,
Boy, I sure understand your stress and overwhelm! And I think it's great you're asking for some support here. It is really important for you to take care of yourself and not get burned out (I just put on my therapist hat for a minute - I work with moms and am passionate about moms getting the support they need!). Please do your best to get the sleep and nutrition you need - and try to find a few quiet minutes to yourself every day (even if you have to lock yourself in the bathroom to do it).
As for the routine....Flylady, flylady, flylady. She really does have a great system. Even if you don't follow it all, it is worthwhile to check her out. She has a book too if you don't want to read it all on the computer - though I think the online support can be helpful. The book is "Sink Reflections" by Marla Cilley. I think the website is flylady.net.
Good luck. And please email me if you want to talk some more.
-C.

Hire a house cleaner...I'm serious, someone to come every two weeks and do the deep cleaning. I too have 1 girl and 3 boys and I work seasonally. I would not survive without my house cleaner. Even when I think we can't really afford it...how can I not afford it. She is my sanity. Don't get me wrong, I still have to clean but, coming home that one day and smelling the pinesol helps me! And on that day before she comes...I can sleep and know that it is okay that my house is a mess but tomorrow it will be clean again:) Just because you stay at home doesn't mean you have to do it all alone!

It sounds like there are differing things that are important to you, and they are very conflicting: having a clean house, and having time to color, paint, read, and "not be so focused on cleaning and errands." I don't know how anyone can be a satisfied stay at home mom when their focus is cleaning. Also, I don't know how many great memories a child would have if the mother's focus is on cleaning. Compromise. I doubt Martha Stewart is visiting your home any time soon. Develop a "clean enough" model that will allow you plenty of time to have "hands on" time with your children (reading stories, making cookies, playing card games), as well as time for the things that matter to you. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate, with a baby on the way, your mom's recent cancer diagnosis, and a change in your work status. Oh, and a new marriage! And you're a little stressed? Good, that means you're still breathing. I think people believe moms who can stay home should be completely grateful and happy they are so lucky. However, your sense of self is likely tied closely to your job, and you no longer have that job. It will take a while to develop a routine and learn to "love" your new job. Just think about what you have to do on a given day and consider what will be important in ten minutes, ten months and ten years. Vacuuming didin't get done? Do it tomorrow. Bills didn't get paid? That could have long term consequences. Visit with mom? Priceless.

You probably had goals at your job. May I suggest a goal for your new "job"? Try to have one "meaningful" event with your children each day. That could be reading a story aloud that everyone loves, having a 15 minute "crazy dance session" to a CD, baking something, or sharing a cozy session in bed watching a movie. Every day you need to find the time to connect with your kids and remind yourself why you are doing the most difficult job in the world.

B., When I was at home with my kids, I found a website called flylady.org. It is a great resource for trying to create those routines so that you are doing what you wanted to do when you decided to by a SAHM again. I found it very helpful, not only in helping to keep the house clean, but in relieving the stress of the famous "what's for dinner" question and grocery shopping with kids. I now have one day a week where I sit down with my crazy calendar, plan out my menus for the week, and make my grocery list. It is amazing what that 45 minutes of planning does for my week! Even if I switch around my meals, I know I have all the ingredients in my kitchen. Also, it inspired me to start the "15 minute cleanup" with my kids. Even little ones can help with this. You turn on the kid's favorite music, set the timer for 15 minutes, and everyone starts in the family room and kitchen, picking up and putting things away. As those rooms get done, we move to the bedrooms. When the timer goes off, the kids are done. You won't believe how much can get done in 15 minutes when 4 people are picking up and racing the clock. The kids love listening to the music, the challenge of the clock, and knowing they are done "cleaning" once that timer goes off...and sometimes they even keep going! These two things alone have really helped my level of stress with my kids. Good luck and give flylady.org a look.