Feeling a Little Lost - La Jolla,CA

It's too bad you stopped counseling. There is often a return to old ways before coming back to learn more.

And one of my concerns is that you don't talk about how you also need to change. A problem in a relationship with two people is always caused by both people and how they relate to each other as well as how they relate with themselves. It's never all one person's fault. The two of you are reacting to each other.

I urge you to return to counseling so that you can work thru the feelings that you have. It's always necessary to feel sad when you have reason to be sad. A lost feeling is a part of the sad feeling and very normal in this situation. When we deny or push aside our feelings aside they will always come out in another way.

I also suggest that you're grieving the loss of that relationship and the possibility of changing it to something joyful. You have to cry if not in reality then within yourself.

You don't mention anger but that is a necessary part of grieving. Let yourself feel the anger.

Counseling will help you work thru all those feelings so that you can come out on the other side a happy person.

Counseling will also help you discover who you are and how you contributed to this failed relationship so that you can find and develop a good relationship with someone in the future. You will grow and make a better choice in the future. We keep repeating our mistakes until we can look them full in the face and make changes ourselves.

Happiness is our own responsibility. No one else can make us happy if we're not happy within ourselves. Someone else can contribute to our happiness but the happiness has to be within ourselves to begin with.

It's likely that you and your husband didn't talk about and come to an agreement about what makes a happy marriage, what each one's responsibilities are, how to handle differences, etc. Apparently his idea of marriage is different than yours.

It's not too late for the two of you to talk about marriage and your expectations and find a way to compromise. Perhaps, if you can tell your husband that you know that you need to make some changes too he would be willing to go back to counseling.

Or perhaps, once you get many things worked out for yourself, you will act differently around him and he will agree for couples counseling.

We cannot change anyone except ourselves. Focus on you, face your feelings, let go of changing him.

I've been there and done that. You still need to go to counseling for yourself. I husband can help you and make you happy and love you but honestly don't ever give that kind of power to another person. I'm responsible for my own happiness and love. My husband is an added bonus to my life as I am to his.

In couseling you will and can learn how to love yourself and no longer allow others to mistreat you or speak to you any kind of way. It takes time to change. It won't be an overnight thing. When you change and require more from relationship you will acquire better relationships around you and your daughter.

You must give yourself time to feel what you feel but not get consumed by your emotions. Counseling will and can help here too. My vote is for you to return to counseling, it will help you navigate to the future you want for yourself and your daughter. Perhaps you changing will be the best thing for your husband and your marriage.

Side note - Please stop paying his bills, especially if they aren't in your name. Tell him this way, "Next month I will not be paying any of your bills." Let his chips fall where they may. I would be dogged gone if I paid the bills for an adult that wasn't respecful of me in every way. No excuses. I will be respected because I give respect and require respect in return. Anything less is unacceptable.

Hi Y.,
Sorry you are going through this. Stop paying this jerk's bills, insurance, rent and anything else you're covering immediately. Let him make it on his own. Second, it takes two people to make it work. If he no longer wants to try, then so be it. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and are bettering yourself through education. Good for you. Those are my only thoughts on this since I don't know you personally or your relationship. But for sure, don't allow the mooching any longer. Especially since he's obviously not willing to put in the effort through counseling. Best of luck to you and your future.

You have so much to look forward to in life. You should go to counseling by yourself. You have a very good head on you, and you are doing good with your life, keep it up. You cannot fix your husband so work on yourself, he has to want to fix the marriage, if he's not open to it, then it will not work. Be the best mom to your daughter & finish school.

I just read your post from March.

I think it is time for you to move on. If you have not filed for divorce, it is time to do so. It is time to stop paying his bills and put that money into a savings account for you and your daughter.

It is time to concentrate on your life, and your daughter's life, and realize that he cannot or will not be the man that you need or want.

It is sad - but it takes two people to make a relationship work, and it sounds like he would rather blame you for all of his mistakes than own up and work with you. I also agree with the suggestion of therapy for you - it will help you gain insight and talking with an objective third party never hurts.

Sending big hugs your way.

I'm sorry, but the way he is acting, it tells me that he is resenting you, so I'm gonna take a wild guess and say that he was and is cheating on you. Let him go, and for heaven sakes............STOP paying his bills!!!!!! Your taking it away from your daughter by giving it to him. Your also enabling him.
If he is working so much, why are you paying for everything?
Let him take your daughter alone, and don't let him talk you into going.
Just get rid of him. :)
good luck!