Ex Is Getting Married

S.,
Its going to take time. Two years is not a real long time to get over all of this. But I have to tell you, when your son is around, you got to suck it up. My husband & his siblings have been haunted almost their whole lives with this type of divorce. My husband is 26 and still has to deal with his parents dysfunctional divorce. My daughter is also starting to put things together, why cant her family be in the same place together? I know it has to be very hard, but you are unfortunately going to have to accept this homewrecker for your sons sake, you certainly dont have to like her or have a relationship with her. But your son has to count on his parents not destroying his life over their problems. Not that you would do that, but trust me it happens. Im sure in time it will get a lot easier, and who knows, maybe he will cheat on HER and she will be history??? Good luck and I am sorry you have to go through that!

This is harder than you are able to do on your own. First she took your husband and now in your son's life too. Not fair---and you can't let it go. But God can and will if you ask him. It will not only make you a better person but one with peace that passes all understanding. No one will know how you could do it and be so gracious. This peace that you find will give you the freedom to approach family events and crisis without guilt or apprehension. You will be more healthy and strong. Your son will have a much better outlook on life and loving too. k

My husbands ex-wife cheated on him while they were married and then left the marriage and married the guy. Since then my husband found and married me :-) and I can say that my husband has been the bigger person and tried to do what's best for the children.
Step-parents are involved and there is no changing that, but do all you can to swallow your pride and accept the fact that this is happening; the less you belittle your ex and his girlfriend, the better you will be in the eyes of your son. He doesn't want to think badly of his dad and you shouldn't say anything bad about your ex in front of him. I know it will be hard but believe me, all will be better in the end and when enough time passes, you will see this too. I can honestly say that we all four get along well now and so do the kids. It's really best for all involved to get through it with as little anomosity as possible. Good luck.

I know someone who would be the child in this situation, although I have met the father and mother, as well as the other woman I do not really know them as well as the child. The child is now grown.

I can tell you that his mothers hurt was something he never got over. He refuses to call this other woman his step mother. He has his own issues with everything. Hurt is soemthing that you can not control, but how you react to that hurt will go a long way to how your son develops. Your son will see you hurt and you inability to deal with her. You have to choose how much you can handle and how much you cant.

What happened is not right, but acting as though it did not happen when every one is together is going to be very difficult.

I would consider how often you will really be together. Although you may be in the same room you do not have to be her friend. You do have to be his mother and that will be your standard for behavior. What do you want him to carry into adult hood? How many family functions do you want him to remember his mom and dad at, or remember the uncomfortable feelings.

It is different in every case I know. Maybe you will get lucky and not have to deal with them very often at all. Your son should be allowed ot deal with it in a way that allows him to grow up the best young man he can be.

Hi S., I too am now going through a nasty divorce and have wondered how I would eventually deal with this issue. My advice is to remember one thing.... the character of people does not change. Perhaps you should think of it this way. If he did it to you, it is likely that he will do it to her. Maybe she should be careful what she wishes for. Even though things look bright and shiny for their new future together, his past and all bad acts are still tagging along with him. Maybe he has really changed, but the odds are really against it. If I were you, I would have confidence in knowing what this man's true character is, because you were once married to him, smile and be pleasant for the sake of your son, and be happy that he is now someone else's problem and not yours. Also remember that she was having an affair with a married man. Her character is also in question. Sounds to me like they were made for each other. People with these kinds of bad decision making histories only make trouble for themselves.

Keeping face is less important for your son than knowing he has a mother and father who love him. As hurt and angry as you are at your ex and his fiancee (rightly so!) it does not benefit anyone, especially your son, to talk negatively about them. Even off-hand remarks (like calling her "that woman") make an impression on a child, so as difficult as it will be, it is your job as a mother to make this as smooth a transition for your son as possible. Know that there is a good chance she will be in his life for a very long time, so the sooner you really do move on, the better it will be for everyone. Surround yourself with friends, family and other support systems to take the anger and hurt instead of sharing them with your son. You can have honest discussions with him about your feelings, but refrain from badmouthing. I have worked with many children from divorced families and feeling torn between parents is one of their biggest struggles, since they feel loyalty to and love for both. I know it's not an easy situation and I wish you the best!