Ex & Ex's Family

I think you should only allow her to visit if you can supervise. Yeah, you want her to have contact with her family, but if they are going to teach her how to lie and neglect her, you have to look out for the best interest of your daughter. If this is court-ordered visitation, you need to contact an attorney. You should contact an attorney anyway to keep him away from her. I wish you luck.

Hi A.,

Is there a court order for her to go to your ex's family? I assume that there is one to keep the father away, obviously he is not following the visitation arrangement.

I suggestyou get a lawyer ASAP. Take the ex's family back to court to challege the visitation arrangement. Probably difficult financially, but necessary.

They are not providing a nuturing enviornment for her while in their care. Teaching her bad habits (poor hygiene, language and lying). Confusing her and distorting right (which you instill) from wrong. Who know what else she's hearing & seeing that she hasn't brought home yet.

Secondly, they are irresponsible in allowing the father to be there when she's there if he's not supposed to see her. I would think that those concerns would be supported in court. Supervised visits may be the next step.

She is at an age that makes her so vulnerable and easily persuaded, which could lead to problems for her later. They may be using her to hurt you. This unfortunately happens.

I hope that things work out for you and your daughter.

Good Luck!

A., Oh I wish I could help you. I don't really know what you are going through but feel for you deeply. Those ages in children are so impressionable. When I let my 5 y/o play at my sisters house with her 13 y/o boy and 7 y/o girl(who are both not very good kids) he comes home with a bad attitude. I can't imagine leaving him there for more than a few hours. And I am usually in the same house the entire time. I hope you are able to work things out. I know family is important, but not at the sake of a child. Do you have full custody, or shared parenting? Do you get support in exchange for these visits. If you are going through the courts for support and visits, can't you request that the visits be supervised. That would make sure that she is safe and time is spent with her father and not his family? I really don't know, just trying to give you any ideas. I am sorry you are going through all this. Just keep trying to do the best for her.

I can't say that I have any advice, only the comfort of telling you that you are not alone! I have three girls and two have the same dad and my youngest has a different father. I am not with either of them so I have twice the stress three times over, if that makes any sense! My youngest comes back from her dad's (actually Grandma's because he doesn't get her)and there have been times where she is uncontrollable! It takes me two to three days to get my little girl back. I just try to be the better person as hard as it may be, because when she is older she will see how much I did for her and hopefully she will appreciate me all the more. If you ever need to vent feel free to write me, maybe we can swap stories and help each other out! Take care, L.

First, unless his name is on the birth certificate you don't have to do anything for him. Second, unless the court orders you to, you don't have to let your daughter go over there. You can completely tell them no. And they will have to take you to court or take you back to court to force you to let her go over there. And you can always make the provision that they can see your daughter but only under your roof until they take you back to court. In the meantime, I would put your daughter in counceling. If you have a third nonpartial party talk with you daughter and she tells them what is going on, then when you go back to court, you have a leg to stand on for supervised visiting where they have to go to a supervised place to visit your daughter. It is sad to have to go this far but when it comes to ourd children, we do what we have to.

Grandparents, aunts and uncles have no visitation rights unless you allow it...don't allow it! What else are they having your daughter lie about?? Ever wonder? It is obviously not a safe place for her. Just stop sending her there. If they take you to court, they have no visitation rights so it is in your favor. In the meantime, take out a restraining/protection order for you and your daughter against your ex-husband and his entire family. You do not need an attorney to do this and it is either free or cheap. You do not even need an attorney when you go to court...just have all the facts. Most courts honor protection orders just for the asking. Make sure the request for protection includes ALL the facts (current & past), dates, times, etc. and your concerns for your daughter's well-being and safety. They will not win and if they show up at your house or call you, you just call the police and keep records of it. I would also consider moving out of the area if your ex-husband does not have visitation. Believe me...been there done that!!! It's time to divorce his family too.

sounds familiar, we have the same problem with my to be 6 year old step daughter. we stopped letting ehr see her mom because she would come home out of control and angry , crying cause mommy jsut sits on the couch all day, no one in that house is employed they aren't fed real meals and for the longest time she would come back with headlice, she doesn't have a bed to sleep in and her homework would not get done on school nights, it was terrible, so anyways we up and said this stops and have since set u supervised visitation which her mother has not bothered to show up for, but to continue witht he similarity's my inlaws went behind our backs and were letting her see her and expecting her not to tell uswe were furious and we are talking about my husband parents here not even her family but ours and since then we have not let her go over there either which is really hard on her but we don't know what else to do, she has also been dianosied with ODD and is medicated the doctors actually wanted to admit her to a facility things got so bad but we refused, stopping the visitation has not been without problems, we have had the police and cps here because we are mistreating her by not letting ehr see other ppl, and court seems pretty likely at ths point but grandparents ahve few rights in ohio and in my opinion i'd ratehr have papers saying that they can not let ehr see ehr mother than jsut taking their word on it. so just be sure that whatever you do you are prepared for teh backlash, you are far from alone, but it has to be a battle you truely believe to be worth fighting cause it can get ugly. good luck.

I have never had to deal with this, but have friends who have. Is the father not allowed to see her? And does the family have a court order for visitation? If not, maybe it's time to sit down with your daughter and aske her if she really wants to go for the visits. If she doesn't, maybe you should cut them out for a while. Maybe they will realize you are serious about your position.

I'm going to be completely honest here. First off, you need to give a warning that the music and language will not be permitted around your daughter. You need to let them know she is to come home with clean teeth and a clean body. If, after a warning, they don't do this stuff, then consider the supervised visits. I'm curious as to why the dad cannot be around her. Is there a court order stating that?? If not, you don't have a leg to stand on.

My xsil keeps my brother from his three boys. Only our mom, her husband, and our three youngest siblings can see or talk to them. I haven't seen or talked to my nephews in almost 3 years!! My brother got to see them for a few hours because he showed up at our mother's house while his kids were there. She has since moved out to california (which he didn't know till the day before). Nobody has the right to say, I don't want you around my child. When kids are kept away from people, they learn about it later on and they end up resenting the parent that kept them from people. I take great pleasure knowing one day, we get to tell my nephews how this all happened and they will see their mom for the kind of person she really is.

First of all, if you do not have court ordered papers stating that your daughter has to go over there, you do not have to let her go. There is nothing that the father can do, and it has NOTHING to do with child support. I know this because I lived through 17 years of this with my children, who are now 20 and 22. If you do have court ordered papers, then I am sure that it has something to do with the FATHER seeing his daughter, nothing about the rest of the family. So, you still do not HAVE to let her go over there.

I would definitely keep her away. Just explain nicely to your daughter the damage, and even tell her that you are stopping the visits because they are adding stress to your daughter that she does not need to go through.

I would continue this action until the family wants to learn how to act around your daughter. Any adult knows that their action is not right, and show them that it will not be tolerated.

I know exactly how you feel! My daughter was not spending any time with her dad when she was going to his house either, until he got remarried! I know, that is just insane, but his new wife is great! I feel sorry for her because she is a lot like me and I know what the future holds for them, but she makes sure my daughter is taken care of and has a good time when she is there. My ex never called my daughter before they got married, now he calls about once a week and they have started writing letters back and forth. My daughter is six and we have been apart since she was 3. The first year we were apart, he lived with his brother, who took care of my daughter, then he moved in with his mom, who took care of my daughter, then he moved in with his grandma, who took care of my daughter. When they were planning their wedding, her dad told her not to tell me because I would not let her go. He seriously thought I would not let our daughter take part in his wedding, so she was stressed about not telling me, and then when she finally did, she acted as if she were going to be in BIG trouble! Once they got married, they moved in with her parents until they bought a house last fall. They now have a baby of their own, which I thought would be a problem for my daughter, but everything has worked out great. When her dad calls, my daughter immediately asks to speak with his wife and then the baby, making him know it is not him that she enjoys being with, which to me is like sweet revenge. Everything that happens happens for a reason and what goes around comes around. I know these are very cliché' but I believe in them whole-heartedly. Good luck. I know the boat you are in.

Obviously there is a reason why your ex can't be with your daughter, so if this is court ordered, contact someone asap because he is breaking the order. She is your daughter and she needs to be protected and she is being neglected and brainwashed from what it sounds like. You are right, they are putting unneeded stress on your daughter, so do something now while she is still pretty young. His family doesn't have any rights, so if it isn't court ordered, just say no to any more visits until they clean up their act. I doubt they will since they sound, well, to put it nicely, like not very good role models. But definitely do something one way or another because this is not a good situation for your daughter to be in.

Hi A.,
I had a similar situation with my oldest son, but once I talked to his father's family things got a whole lot better and he still goes over there and spends the weekend and goes on trips and vacations with them and he is almost 13. I would suggest first talking to them and if the situation doesn't change, pull her away from them. This is your daughter and you have the right to raise her any way you want. You don't want your daughter singing a song with the work f*** in it, and I don't blame you one bit. A 7 year old is so impressionable. I would keep her away from them until she is older and maybe try again. I know it is hard to tell her family that she can't see her, but in the end it will be for her own good. It sounds like she's picking up a lot of bad habits over there, and I'm sure you don't want that.

Hello A.. I may be wrong, but from what I understand, her dad is NOT allowed to see your daughter but you have been allowing your daughter to go stay with his family over the weekend. If that is correct, this is my opinion...
Stop the weekend visits, yes she needs to see her family, but if they are not goin to take care of her as a little girl, cut back. Let her visit with them for a few hours on a Sat or Sun. Then the hygene problems are eliminated. If the language continues, inform both your daughter (for she is old enough to not use those words) and the family that if the language is not monitored the day visits will come to a stop. Supervising the visits I think is a good idea, but it might not be practicle since you don't enjoy thier company. I would also continually re-inforce to your daughter that she should NEVER lie to you. That no matter what happens she can always tell you; even when she does something wrong. (I tell my kids that the punishment is worse when they lie b/c as a mom I have ways of knowing the truth. I think that is important to instill that at a young age so that when they become the lovely teenagers that they will be, they will feel that they can come to you for things, especially when in trouble.) Of course she did nothing wrong (in a sense) lieing to you b/c she was doing what she was told by her dad and his family.
It sounds like an extremely hard situation and any solution involves doing something that is not the most ideal, but you must do what is best for yourself (first and foremost) and for your daughter.