Father Trying to Come Back in the Picture

I can see why you would still be angry with him for abandoning you when you needed him. And why deep down inside you – you are afraid he will do it again to your little girl, but there has to be something good within him that you loved at one time. You have a little girl that you love and would do anything for… maybe he is truly regretting the lost time too. Sometimes it takes men longer to see what they have or are missing out on in life and most of the time it takes a man longer to admit he did something wrong that he regrets.

I do agree with a few of the post that he should be willing to take it slow… with the warm weather coming here soon – maybe you could meet him at a park for them to play a little together. That way you are still able to keep an eye on her while she is playing with him and it give them both a little time to get to know each other before he just “takes” her for a day or weekend. In the long run – her knowing her dad will help her out more.

It seem like he is trying to fix his mistakes… I know he isn’t able to take back what he has done in the past. But if he has truly learned from his mistakes – try not to hold it against him to much, but I can understand be careful and not just jump into everything. It did take the two of you to make the sweet little girl you love so much… I know it would tear me up to see my kids without their dad. Fathers are capable of loving their kids as much as Mothers do… I do hope you are willing to put your hurt and anger aside and give him a chance to make up a little of the lost time with your daughter and in turn help you out by being there and taking some of the financial burden off of your shoulders – which seems to be something else you are angry at him for not doing.

I do apologies if I have upset you with my views… I know they are different then most people, but I do feel deep within me that both parents should have some right to there little ones if they want it. I have a sister who doesn’t know her real dad, my dad adopted her when she was just a few years old… she knows she has 3 other younger brothers and sisters, but hasn’t been able to meet them. I have seen her pain from not knowing them or her dad. I don’t wish that on any child… I guess our views come from our past and what we have experienced and seen. I do wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do!!!

Hi, I was in this EXACT situation a few years ago. Right down to the grandparents. Have you actually gone to court about this and gotten the decision from a judge that he is allowed visitation ? I ask this because most states have the rule that until there is a visitation order in effect the mother has all rights while the father has none (my husband is going through our court system about this)
The only reason my ex wanted to be back in my son's life was to see if we could get back together. It took a little while for him to admit it but by then I had my family telling me that I should get back with him since he was the father of my child and how this would be a fairy tale ending.
What really happened was I ended up pregnant again and once again he left right after I found out.
I just wanted to warn you. It might seem cruel but if there isn't a court order of visitation you should tell him that he needs to get one. If he's willing to go through all of that then maybe he really wants to be in her life.
By the way, you should go to your local child support enforcement agency if you don't have a child support order yet. They'll give you a lawyer and then collect the money for you as long as he has a job.

Sounds like he knows you are planning on leaving and now wants to make things tough, it can really scare a guy, my ex did the same thing, and when it did go to court the long distance visitation schedual was terrible. my advice get this settled asap and make the best of it, if you can appease him by allowing him to see her with you there for short periods of time and keep it out of court you're going to be much better off. you're worried right now about every other weekend what happens when you move out of state and he gets ehr for weeks at a time? good luck it is a very messy situation, something to look into is i believe after a year that you can claim abandonment, so if he made no contact at all with you for the first year of her life you might be able to use taht in order to keep him from seeing her but you will be hard pressed to get a judge to deny him standard visitation.

HI! I know exactly how you feel right now.I have a little girl who will be 4 next week. Her father had never been a part of her life and she had finally grown used to that. Then back in January I got a notice saying that we was taking me for visitation. When we went to court they said that he was the father and there was nothing I could do about it.Even though he has never paid his child support. So out of no where came this guy who has a whole new family and I had to(court ordered) to make her go spend every other weekend with him and every other wendsday. I felt like my whole life was falling apart. But it has been a couple months and a lot of tears later and she grew to love him and his family. So as much as you hate it, give it a chance. If he really wants to know your child he will take you to court and he will do whatever it takes, thats how you will know if he is serious. And just remember if it doesnt work out your child is so young she will never even remember this time of her life. I wish you Good Luck and I hope that everything works out best for your child. Just remember that this is about the kid, not the adults in the situation.

Well if he is and wants to be any kind of father he would take it slow .. come over to ur house very often and get to know her first before he just tries to up and take her cause she wont have it. Kids aren't fond of people they dont know and if he just takes her away from you that could cause emotional stress for her. Even though he hasnt been there for her he still has rights which SUCK and its not fair, but try to talk him into getting to know her before he starts to take her and make sure he knows if he starts it now, he needs to stay in her life and not go in and out. I hope it all works out for you!

i think it's good that he wants to be a part of her life, even if he came to that conclusion a little later than we would've liked. while it may be awkward for you at first, it will be good for your daughter in the long-run to know her father. however, i think visits with her at her home or at the park should be the first step, not just jumping into him running off with her for the weekend. also, you should make your plans for your future known to him so that he doesn't feel like you're running away from him. good luck!

I can certainly understand your apprehension and even anger, but if he is serious about being a part of her life, then it is in your daughter's best interest to do this. I agree with starting slow especially as it sounds like your daughter in general is slow to warm to people.

I would talk to the dad and ask even once he is granted whatever time he gets to not do overnights until she knows him a little better (up to a specific time, like 3-6 months). I would also inform him that you are going to file for child support, not as means to getting back at him for getting visitation but because it is in the best interest of your daughter.

Good luck. I know this can't be easy for you.

Hi J.:
I agree that you should first go through all the legal channels to be sure that you are getting the financial support you deserve before you start thinking about letting him into your life. Then, take it slow...don't let him hang out with your daughter without your supervision. Maybe go to a neutral location like a park or something. Then, when you move, you'll know if he's committed if he goes the extra mile to travel and visit on occasion. If you do decide to fight to keep him out of your life, be prepared to explain that to your daughter when she's older. Even though she may not like it now, she deserves to know her biological father and may resent you later if you were to keep her from that.

Hi, I don't know what u want to do. but I was in situation where my daughter father had left when my daughter was 12 hours old and when filled for divorce two years later he wanted to have ever other weekend visitation. The court didn't grant him that he been back a year and probably around three month ago he started having unsupervised visitation for three hours a week. I suggest that you try to take your daughter to counselor John kinsel is who my daughter saw and he went to court and testify on my behalf and recomended supervised visitation which was extremely helful. I think it will be very harmful for your daughter to send her with someone she doesnt' know. There is also a center called visitation center that can monitor that so that he can be held accountable so he can drop in and out of her life???? so if he doesn't show up you will have proof to court and can terminate his vistation. If you have questions please let me know and Good luck.

I am going through a similar problem. My daughter will be 2 in 2 weeks. Her father was there at first. But things were not working out with us so i had to break it off. She was about 2 months when i did that. I have given full opportunity to come see her. But since then he has not seen her and has not made an effort. If he can't take the time to get to know a miracle from god then he doesn't deserve to see her. basically my advice she doesn't know him and he doesn't take the time so she can know him. Do what you have to for you and your child and get child support. He will realize what he lost in the end.

Hi J.,
Well, unfortunately if he's going to fight for visitation he's probably going to get it unless you can prove that he is a danger to the child, or is neglegant in some way. You may want to speak to a lawyer though if you want to bar him access all together because I think there is some kind of law that if a parent doesn't have any contact with their child for one full year, they relinquish all their parental rights. Look up termination of parental rights on the net and see what you can find. In the mean time, I would suggest that you explain to him that she does not know him and that maybe he should start paying her short visits here and there at your place or a neutral area so that she can get to know him, maybe get used to him...just incase he persues visitation and gets it. That may help ease you in the fact that your daughter doesn't have to go with someone that she doesn't know at all. It's a crappy situation, and I feel for you.

Did you ever keep a journal on any time he saw her or gave you money. If not whatever you remember write it down. Then get yourself a lawyer. The courts will see that he has not been in the picture. With this, they will probably see that he will not get any visitation rights. Hope this helps

From reading what you wrote it sounds like he is not on the birth certificate and at this time is not paying child support. So right now he has no rights until he goes to court and establishes paternity which he will then owe you back child support and start to paying current support which as the father he should be doing whether he was in her or out of her life. This man is wrong for what he did and for staying out of your daughter's life for as long as he did but now he is trying to change that..This is a good thing your daughter deserves to know her father and be loved by him. Start off slow a few hours at a time with you still around..maybe going to the park. Of course initially this will be hard on you, your daughter and even him because he must feel lots of guilt for walking away the way he did.
I hope this helps but my dad was never around and all my life I grew up wishing he loved me enough to be around. Now I'm 29 and he tries to be in my life but I just can't let go of all the years I needed him luckily I had a great mom who was always there for me.

I agree that he needs to be thinking about what's best for her. Yes, you have no legal right to keep him away from her, but NO, he should immediately expect that he can take her by himself. He doesn't even know her.

You guys need to talk and set up a schedule where he can take some time to gradually get to know her. If I were you, I'd consult the court again and get something in writing. It can always be modified as she gets to know him better. But he hasn't given you much reason to trust him, so it's better to have an enforceable agreement in place.

He should definitely be paying child support. If he wants to a parent, he needs to embrace ALL the responsibility, including the financial. Big hugs to you and your daughter. Children are resilient and adapt very well. She'll be fine, but she will take her cues from you. Try not to let your own hurt and feeling of betrayal get in the way of letting her get to know her dad.

...L

Is he on the birth certificate? If not then until he goes to court and establishes perturnity and custody then he ahs no rights to the child, but if he is go to court and get custody. Once you do that then he will have limited visitaion with her. If you want him in her life then he needs to take it slow and get to know her before he just takes her for a weekend, she will feel like she is being ripped from her mother and her home by a stranger and that can cause lots of emotional stress on her. I would get a lawyer right away you don't want to end up waiting to see what he does and then him getting custody. I know I am in a big custody battle right now and the only reason he is doing it is because he don't want to pay child support. And by the way he will be court order to pay child support and you might be able to get back pay I am not sure you need to get a lawyer and see what your options are. Good luck