My daughter is 13 months old, my husband and I are going back and forth about early discipline techniques. Until now we have been saying "NO" loudly and a few hand smacks or flicks (to which my husband had a fit about,) and/or just redirecting her attention elsewhere. I should say that the only issues we have had to date are: she gets into the dog food/water (not a huge issue, we understand she is curious. I didn't think of it as a big deal until our Ped. said that dog food can contain Salmonella), which we cannot put away, and more recently she has been hitting us in the face. I think she has learned this behavior from us, we "pat" the dogs belly and have been teaching her to pet the dogs also she loves back rubs and I "pat" her on the back. So I know she is imitating this behavior... on my face??? I also think we made a huge mistake in the beginning (say when she was 10,11,12 mon.) when she would "play hit," for lack of a better word, and we would play hurt and she would crack up... we all thought it was a cute and fun game. We have read that discipline can begin between 15-18 mon. Cognitively, this is when they can begin to understand that their action have a consequence. We get that. I did recently read that you can begin by putting your child in their crib for a short time out. When I mentioned this to my husband he thought that would teach the baby to hate being placed in their crib, associate it with being in trouble and cause a problem at bedtime. I do have to say that she loves her crib, no sleep issues, she also plays in her crib contently and quietly. So I see his point. At the same time she would be too young to be placed in time out and wouldn't stay put... so wouldn't the crib be a good spot to accomplish a time out. When she hits I grab her hand and rub it on my face telling her "be nice, be gentle," but it's hard when she is hitting and laughing. I also have been just getting up and walking away from her, telling her "I won't play if your going to hit." I respect my husbands opinion, on the other hand he cannot handle dishing out (when she hits him he just says "no baby") discipline, so I am the one that will be handing out punishments. I get to be the bad guy. Overall we have the same ideas as to discipline techniques. We are just a little confused as to how to begin and at this age what will work. We know these issues are only the beginning, we know that babies hit... we just want to start out the right way. Obviously when she has a better understanding and a vocabulary we will be able to work through issues together and as a family. But what can we do now that will work for all of us.
Any suggestions??? Greatly appreciated.
I used to use a play pin for time-out..You could put it away from everyone so that she can't manipulate with her crying or fits etc..just don't do it for too long since she is so small...wish you the best..
C.,
I don't think hitting or popping her on the hand is the way to go. Basically, she is learning to hit from you. I think telling her gently in simple words, we do not hit, may help. From my experience, I never used the crib for time out. I think it could send mixed signals. If you talk to her and she continues, leaving the area or changing the situation is probably best. She will catch on. It just may take a little while. This is also most likely just a phase she is going through also as she explores what her hands can do! Talk with your hubby and ask him to agree upon one way to handle so that you are both consistant. I hope this helps!!
She's still little enough that she doesn't really get why you're popping her. All she knows is that she's playing and the person she loves best is hitting her. It doesn't make sense. Your method of saying, "No hitting. I won't play if you hit," is more effective. If you see her starting to, catch her hand and say "no hit." Telling her not to hit and hitting her is ineffective at best.
If she does hit, put her down on the floor and say, "No hit," and walk away. Be consistent.
I agree, you are going great by just not giving her attention. As for the crib timeout, I know many people who say it can affect sleep but it worked for us. We didn't use it often but when we both had enough I would tell her she obviously needed a rest or some quiet time alone and drop her there until we both calmed down. She never had any issues regarding this. Like I said I tried to concentrate on it as a place where she could calm down, not as a place for punishment. Around 2 or a little before we started doing time outs that have worked well.
First I would agree that if you do not have sleep issues you should avoid creating them at all costs. SO no crib for timeout. Remember that time out is not fun and they cannot play watch tv or anything else while in time out....so find a quiet place with a chair for quick time outs. They have to be quick at her age, she cannot handle more than a few minutes.
Also, great books on raising children and discipline that will raise good adults (the parents main job) are a series that are written by Jim Fay and Foster Cline. They sometimes collaborate on the books and each also, I think, write alone. The books are all based on the theories of "Love and Logic" and that is what they are called. If you look them up on Amazon there are several and are written for and about using the theories for all ages. It will basically teach good decision making. It teaches parents that you have the most control over them when children are small and as they grow they have to have learned to make sound decisions. It is a fantastic parenting tool.
I hope this helps! I am raising four with it...ages 13, 11,7 and 2.
There is nothing wrong with popping her hand when telling her no. Also, don't forget to tell her why she isn't alowed to have/play with something. Like the dog food-Tell her no and that it is yucky to play with. If she goes back to it, tell her no, pop the hand and that it is yucky. You'll feel like a broken record but you've got to give a reason why something is no. And when you see her come into the area the dog food is, look at it but she doesn't mess with it, give her praise. Tell her thank you for being a good girl and not playing with the dog food.
As far as a form of time out goes, I don't think I fully agree with the crib being the place. If you can get her to sit in a chair or a spot on the floor in a room then that would be better suited for her so you can keep an eye on her. Otherwise you can set her in your lap for 2 mins and not talk to her at all.
Also, yes, ignore the tantrums!! You pop that hand no and she throws a fit, walk away. You'll be amazed at how fast that gets nipped in the butt!!
You are on the right track with the discipline and to start now is perfect as well!! Make sure you give her the positive too when she does do something good or leaves something alone that is off limits.
S.
I have a 16 month old little girl, and at her 15 month visit, I asked the pediatrician about this same issue. She told me that you can do time-outs, but it's a little different with toddlers. She said to hold her, tell her she's in time out for 1 minute, and while you're holding her, to look away. I haven't had to try it yet, luckily, but that's what my pediatrician said to do. Good Luck!
Hi, C.,
Instead of the crib, we use the pack-n-play. Same concept: no toys and isolation (i.e., walk away from her for just a couple of minutes--if she cries, then it's working :)). That's what I would do for the hitting. As for the pet bowls, I am not opposed to spanking when they get older, but right now I wouldn't pop her hand, because that will just confuse her or even make it seem like a game. I would keep removing her from the bowl and sternly repeating, "No, that's yucky" each time and give her hand a firm (but not painful) squeeze as you pull it away from the bowl. Then try to distract her with something else. Our 1-year-old gets into our cat bowls, too!
Hope this helps,
A.
The only thing I could add to the other ladies is to maybe try a playpen for the time outs instead of her bed. It would be a secure place but not something that could mess up her sleep.
I find getting up and walking away and saying, "I'm not playing, singing, whatever if you're going to hit or bite or whatever it is," works pretty well (also works well to ignore and walk away when the tantrums start), and you say you've been doing that. You've also been constantly grabbing her hand and saying "No, be gentle" etc. You'll be doing this for probably the next 4 years! I have a 3 year old, and of course there are things he certainly knows better than to do -although he still does them on occasion! You just have to do this stuff over and over and over and over....
Hi C.,
I have a 15 month old boy and we have dealt with similar issues. I am sorry to say, but I agree with your husband about the crib NOT being used for time out. You do not want her to associate her crib with punishment. I have extensive experience in child development and psychology and the best method of "punishment" is to actually remove the stimulus. For example, if she hits you, you tell her no (firmly), set her down, and leave. She will learn that she is not allowed to be near mommy if she hits. It will take repetition, but that's psychology at its best! My little boy is in the biting stage (fun!). But, same with the hitting, he thinks it's funny. Try not to react and instead say NO (firmly), put her down, and remove yourself. If she hasn't hit the tantrum stage yet, don't worry it is coming. When you put her down, she will probably tantrum - LET HER. She needs to understand consequences. When she has calmed down, explain to her that hitting hurts mommy (even though she may not understand - it gets her in the habit of conversation). I hope this helps. Please let me know how it works out.
J.
First - she understands. When she hits your face, you react. She understands. So, make your reaction sad. Over emphasize your sad face and tell her "no. Hitting hurts. We don't hit". But I have to say that if you are smacking her on the hand, she will get mixed signals. On timeout, I do agree with your husband on the crib. You want a spot that is not associated with anything else. And she will sit for 1 minute. You will have to replace her there from time to time especially in the beginning. But she will get the concept. You just have to be consistant - both of you - because she will also figure out what she can do with you vs daddy.
I applaud you for asking this early. Seriously. I found Love and Logic when my kids were young. They address issues that you are talking about with your little one and yes at that age. www.loveandlogic.com. It's an awesome way to parent. No hitting involved (on the parents side...no slapping hands...no yelling 'NO').
Just a thought...have you ever heard kids whose first word is NO! They just keep yelling no, no, no, no..well, that's one thing I never did with my kids was use that word no. I hated that word. Instead, say "We don't do that.' With L&L there are many phrases you can use. Anyway, you can get the book geared for the age of your little one. There are CD's you can listen to...tons of stuff. I actually does make parenting fun....even when they get older.
Sounds like you have an awesome little one there! Good luck!
