Does Anyone Have Any Suggestions?! at Wits End!

My son is 6 years old & in K. Lack of respect for us & authority figures as well as for his peers has become an issue at school this year. On his part, it's more of rudely questioning or correcting authority. We, too, have tried many things & what has seemed to work for us at home & school(sounds like you may have already done this) is praising the postive. Any time he's caught being polite, respectful or kind to anyone, adults &/or peers, he immediately gets praise. At school, his teachers give him a star sticker he puts on his shirt which we instantly acknowledge & praise him for. We also keep these stars on a piece of paper at home for him to see. At home, for a while we offered the immediate praise for the above behaviors in the form of a star chart. Once he got a certain amount of stars he got a reward that we all agreed upon. Most recently, we started a goal for the week that we all came up with. For example, this week he was working on controlling his temper & being polite & repsectful. If he meets this goal at home & school then he receives the agreed upon reward. He usually choses a sleepover w/his best buddy or going to the movies w/myself or his dad w/o his little brother. So, it's usually an activity not a toy or something more tangible. What has also helped is at the recommendation of his teachers & the school counselor, he started going to therapy. I think it helps for him to discuss things w/someone who is an objective outsider. There have been times the therapist gives him the same ideas we have for coping w/problems, but it seems to have more of an impact coming from his therapist so he tries harder. I don't know how the parents feel about therapy but it has helped things for us. Hopefully, things will turn around for this little girl soon.

Hi M.,
I have a 4 yo. son, but I'm also a substitute teacher. I've dealt with 9 and 10 yo. before in class so I think I know how their behavior is like. At that age, they are getting older and they think they're getting wiser than you. What the parents need to find out is if there's something bothering her at home or at school. There could be other kids who are also influencing her behavior and she's testing it out at home. Could there be a bully at school? Mom and Dad need to step it up a bit more.
She's at the age where she's almost a pre-teen and is going to try everything to push the envelope. Maybe certain privileges or things that she really idolizes needs to taken away, like her music, TV, cell phone (if she has one), or take away her favorite outfits she likes to wear and tell her that if her behavior doesn't change, she won't be getting this stuff back anytime soon. I think Mom and Dad are letting her get away too easy maybe because it's easier than dealing with it, but in the long run if she sees this in them, she'll run all over them when she's a teenager. Or she may need a good spanking! Some people may think she's too old for this, but I know in my family it still applied to you unless you're in college!

I would try having her make a contract with you all - a check list something like this:

__ I will say only nice things to my brothers
__ I will not lie
__ I will not raise my voice

You get the idea - but the point is - the contract is hers - make the words be hers - you can guide her - make a bunch of copies - but them in a folder - or use a wipe-off board - - - when she slips - put a sad face - - - when she has a good day put a happy face....

You can decide as a group how to reward - make the rewards fairly difficult to achieve, but not impossible - - - say 50 happy faces and a trip to the dollar store or something like that...

I have used this with a couple different age groups in the classroom with some really problem children adhd and the likes - with some really amazing results - - - You are giving HER the power to modify her behavior - and empowering her to reap the rewards.

V.

Well, 9/10 year old girls can be difficult to handle. I have a 9 year old granddaughter that is a beautiful child but she is developing this disrespect for authority. Especially with her parents. She doesn't pull it on me as much. I deal with her anxities, frustrations, and etc. differently then her parents do so she has not stepped outside of my boundaries YET!

In ages and stages this is what is says for the emotional/social part:

SOCIAL AND EMOTIONAL DEVELOPMENT
begins to see parents and authority figures as fallible human beings
rituals, rules, secret codes, and made-up languages are common
enjoys being a member of a club
increased interest in competitive sports
outbursts of anger are less frequent
may belittle or defy adult authority

As you can see this is the age where they are becoming more critical of the adults around them, and defying authority. Every child is different how they approach this stage. Some worse then others.
For more on ages and stages for this age group go to this web site.
http://www.nncc.org/Child.Dev/ages.stages.9y.11y.html

it gives hints for caregivers how to deal with this too.
I am also a child care provider with 36 years in the business. I have seen this age group and how hard it can be to manage. You and the parents both have to be consistent with this child. Set clear and percise boundaries. She is old enough to know right from wrong so there should be consequences to her actions if she steps outside the boundaries. Those consequences should be clear before hand as well.

You don't do your homework you loose your weekend privilleges with your friends. Something like that. Don't change them on her. If anything list the rules, and list the consequences. Children need to know exactly what is expected of them. And when you "cave" in this sends mix messages. Grant it a child will test those boundaries. They can test them hard and it's easy to give in and let her have her way. That is not what she really wants. Children this age are testing the parents and adults authority more then trying to get their way. When you cave in, you are enforcing her belief that you "lack" the authority therefore the disrespect. Face it even our adult world we have little respect for other adults that cannot stand their ground and are weak. Children are no different.
You and the parents need to sit down when the children are not around and map out a battle plan. And then STICK TO IT.

Stop "caveing in". She will ALWAYS win if you cave....

My three year old is a handful. And she wants any attention she can get from me, even if it is negative. My best bet then is to ignore her. If she won't get in her car seat, I turn on the radio ad sit there. When she calms down, she knows & apologizes to me. She calms down faster when I do that, then when I force her or try & punish her.

Unless she is physically hurting herself. Then I hold on to her her, not too tight, but tight enough, and sit there to she gets it out. I don't do anything to reinforce her behavior. When she stops acting out, we talk about it. If it starts back up, silent mom again.

You just have to try out different methods & see what works.

Good luck

Wow Michelle...for a minute there I thought you were venting about your own child.
First of all, take a breather, and realize this is NOT your daughter. I know that you care for her & probably want to help her, but it really is her parent's responsibility to get her in control.
But if you feel you really must help, maybe you want to suggest getting her involved with social groups that might be able to help her with her attitude.

Usually, a child that acts out is crying for attention. She may be getting a lot from her parents, according to what you're saying, but it may not be the kind of attention she is seeking. Have you tried befriending her as opposed to acting like authority? She may just need someone to talk to and can't trust or confide in those around her, so she lashes out.

But seriously, don't stress yourself out. She will continue to act or behave in that manner, for as long as her parents allow her to. You have your own child that needs your attention too, save some energy for her/him.

Hope that helps! Take Care!