How to Deal with a 10 Year Old Wanting to Be the Boss of Everyone and Everything

I seem to remember that is the age where they test what they consider safe. I really like the priviledge rules. It works with every age. Until they can act like well behaved children they are striped of their favorite things. They then have to work for it. Its like that in society, you have to work for the extra things in life. Give her incentives that are realistic. But don't waiver, you do and she knows she's got you. Yeah she will be mad, but in the end she will appreciate what you taught her to do. (Probably won't be until college or out of college) Good luck, from one kid who had to learn on her own about bad attitudes and working hard. Jen

I have two daughter and one son. My girls are 9 and 11. What I have found out about girls is that bewtween the ages of 9 and 12 is that their bodies are changing, hormones are kicking in and they don't know how to deal with it so the lash out at mom, dad, brother, friends. Some girls feel they have to be in charge and others feel like they have to be the follower.

Have you talked to her about starting her period and her body changing and the emotions she is feeling? I did with my girls and it has made some difference. We still attitude and control issue, but not as bad.

I hope this helps.

please post some of your responses I would like the answer to this problem myself thank you

Wow! You have the super whammy going on. My daughter is 12 almost 13(this week) she too is the in the middle between 2 brothers. However, she's not the bossy one it's always been my oldest son and still is he's 19. My daughter is bossy over her little brother and tries it with her older one, but doesn't get very far.

Grounding and taking away privileges is always a good start. If she has a sassy mouth send her to her room, if it's too sassy you may have to pop her mouth. I haven't had to do this with my daughter, but I have with my boys. You know when the sassy mouth has crossed the line. So far my daughter knows it too and rarely temps the boundaries.
When grounding her take away her tv, music, video games, phone.
I will tell you this much if you don't do whatever it takes to nip this in the bud and gain back your authority over her and her behavior it's going to escalate to the point where things get really ugly. She obviously has a firey spirit and you need to make sure the flames don't get out of control.
As far as the doctor and the counselor goes, if they have kids they know how they can be and don't think you are a fool.
Secondly, has your daughter started her cycle yet?
It could likely be the beginnings of the mood swings. If you notice that she's like this only around a certain time of the month it could be that.
My daughter turns into Cruella Devil before she starts her cycle. Midol helps some and we've talked to her about her behavior and how she really needs to work on it during that time of the month. And she is 100% better about it now. She can actually feel the rage or anger starting to well up inside her and so she just goes or stays in her room until she feels better so she doesn't start a fight with someone. It's really kind of funny how it all plays out. She's amazing.
I know how you feel though sometimes you just don't know what to do, but you do what you know is right, stick to your guns and keep plugging along. Consistency is the biggest key, if she knows that you are firm in your beliefs and are standing strong she'll eventually get it. Besides you being strong and steadfast will help her feel safe and secure in the long run.
Good luck and hang in there mommy, the ride is going to get faster and more bumpy before it's over, but you'll both be fine. Bald headed but fine!
Fell feel to email me if you just need someone to vent to. I totally understand where you are coming from as I live it everyday too.

Sounds like your daighter has a "leader type" personality. Nothing wrong with that in itself, but it's up to you to teach her how and when to use it, and with whom. Obviously, not her mother!! Set the boundaries and make sure she knows she CAN NOT talk to you or any other person with disrespect at all. Leave no room for discussion. If you've never taken this kind of stand before, the going will be tough at first, but it will work. Your daughter needs to be taught that the best leaders treat their followers with respect and compassion, not "bossy-ness". Explain to her the effects of a leader mistreating their followers. She needs to learn these social skills and it's your job to teach it. You can do that by having NO mercy on her when she starts with the mouth. Don't let her explain it away or make excuses or blame someone else. Make her take responsibility for her action NO MATGER WHAT someoe else has done to "deserve" it. Do this EVERYTIME no matter how slight the sassy-ness was.
My prayers are with you...~C.

Hi S.,
It sounds like your daughter is starting into puberty.My girls,I have three,all tried to boss their brothers or else felt the need to take care of them.At that time they also started to rebel.It's part of testing their parents and becoming independent.Your daughter may not realize she is running everyone else's business.She does know it's time to start breaking away she may not realize why yet.Harmones are ruff to deal with.Maybe you and she could have some special girl time together.Let her talk.Go shopping , you can just window shop , or go to lunch and a movie.Maybe go for walks, you'd be suprised at the talks you can have.It's a long road to 21.

Hi S.,
If you spoke with my mom, she would say you were describing me when I was young: Bossy, stubborn, know-it-all (yet bright, etc>) :)
My mom gave me a book called the Strong-Willed child when my son was born--I found it out-dated and it didn't apply really to my son, but in my constant searching for good parenting books, I did find and read this one:
Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child : Eliminating Conflict by Establishing Clear, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries
http://www.amazon.com/Setting-Limits-Your-Strong-Willed-C...
which i think can help you tremendously with dealing with your daughter. This book is all about getting that spirited child to want to "behave." without spanking or other harsh punishments. Great wonderful techniques and insight about raising a child with these characteristics. I linked you to amazon but I'm sure the library has it too. Good luck!

Hi S.,

This is a major transition time for her. There could be several things going on including her menses like mentioned before. (However, no excuse for her behavior.) One question I do have is where is her father in all this? If you can't handle it, has he stepped in?

My oldest went through this and simply transitioned through it with a lot of heart-to-hearts with her Dad. One thing I do know that he told her was that her behavior was not attractive to anyone, boys, girls, friends and family. And that eventually she would drive off the friends she does have if she continues to prioritize herself and not others.

S., I was not what she needed right then. She is close with her Dad AND she is close with me but Dad got her through this one...

God bless!

M.

Hey S.,
Children are so individually wrapped with different solutions to the "same" problems. There could be a number of things to try.
1) Give her enough responsibility to keep her busy as to not worry about anybody else. Bigger responsibilities, more mature responsibilities. Possibly what she is doing now is minute and she does not feel it is an adiquate for her abilities to consume her time.
2) If she wants to be in charge, put her in charge. Put her on the spot. Look to her for everything for a few days. Ask her what time do we need to be where. What are we eating for dinner. Where are we going this weekend. How much money will it take to get there and do that. Put her on the spot and show her she does not know ALL.
3) Simply ask her if her life is lacking in such a way that she has to treat people close to her this way? Ask her if she does not see that treating those who love her, will push them away. Have a "Family Meeting" and have everyone lay out on the table what needs to be discussed about everyone. Do not let it turn into a bashing on her. This will allow for the boys to be able to vent and possibly expose why she acts out like she does. Or allow for her to see how her behavior effects everyone.
4) Set your foot down and firmly discuss why she can not act this way with you or the family. She is the child and you the adult. Not the other way around. She was born to you as a gift and responsibility from God and he did not put children on the earth first. Adam and Eve were grown, not 10 to start the world. Why, because they would noy have known all they needed to at 10. She has duties and obligations as a member of your family to fill and she has disappointed you with her lack in doing so, all the while worried about someone else's lack of work.
We have to get in their minds and find what it is that makes them tick and not forget the others involved and emotionally attacked by her behavior. If you feel this way, imagine how her brothers must feel and do not forget DAD. I can't say that any of the above will be your answer. And there's plenty more to suggest, but let this be a start.
Good luck......,
M.

We have had similar issues with our almost 9 year old son. Very strong willed children create all sorts of discipline challenges:) One thing we've found is you have to "hit them where it hurts" and I don't mean physically. If you have ever read John Rosemond, he is a big supporter of this. Basically, you find out what she really looks forward to or likes to do and you take it all away. When she decides to cooperate with a humble and respectful heart, she can start earning priveleges back. You have to really stick to your guns, because right now she knows you aren't going to do anything, so why should she stop. It's just like in the real world and you are late for work-if your boss docks your pay, you are more likely to show up on-time.
Take away play dates, bikes, TV, cell phone, games-whatever it is she really likes. Only when she has been consistent do you start giving things back. Let her know things have changed and you will no longer put up with this behavior and going forward, these are her consequences. She's been warned, now the choice is hers. Good luck getting it under control now, before she's a teenager-YOU CAN DO IT:)

First, sit down with her alone (no audience) and explain what the behavior is that she is doing that upsets you and why, how it makes you and others in the family feel, etc. Do this with no yelling or frustration. Have her repeat key points back to you in her own words to check for understanding. Second, make a "contract" with her. The contract will have clear consequences, positive and negative, that will occur when she refrains and/or changes the behavior and when she engages in the behavior. Example: When you are behaving in the way that upsets the family, I will tell you to "please change your behavior." This is your first and last warning before a consequence. If you change your behavior, then you earn a star (or whatever). If you do not change your behavior and continue the behavior, then you receive a negative consequence (it must be immediate. No TV, computer, friend time, dessert, whatever it is that she values.) Keeping a star chart or something like that where she has to earn X number of stars before receiving a positive consequence (such as a trip to McDonalds, a date with mom or dad, etc.) works well. She must understand that you are going to be consistent and that you control the things that she wants (phone, TV, new clothes, etc,) and she will not receive these things unless she abides by the contract.

Make sure she understands what a consequence is. Chances are she knows already because her teachers would use such strategies.

There are other things you can do as well but having positive and negative consequences for the behavior is a good start. It will only work if you stick to it for a period of time and be consistent.

Good Luck!

First off let me say that I understand your situation. I have a 12 yr old that does the exact same thing! The best advice that I can give you is to pick up the book GO TO YOUR ROOM by SHARI STEELSMITH. I have read all of the other books that are listed in the other responses. Nothing gave me as much IMMEDIATE and USABLE advice as this book. It's like having a manual for dealing with behaviors. It gives you tons of practical advice on how to deal with these issues logically. I use the book daily. It is like having a neutral 3rd party there to help you deal with the situations when it gets difficult!

Some examples:

Does Chores Poorly: (pick one)

. child must leave whatever she is doing and redo it right
. Pick child up from friends and have them redo chore the correct way.
. Reduce allowance.
. Child must re-do chore and also do one of yours.

It's a great book and it is well worth the money. I got my copy for 14.95.

I would begin by beginning to give all 3 kids daily chores that must be done by each child (on their age level). I say all three - this way she won't feel singled out when the chores are enforced.

Each child can begin by cleaning their own space (bedroom) by putting away toys, books, papers, dirty clothes, etc. Each child is old enough to make their own bed.

If the child does a chore badly - make her/him do it over until it meets your standard of what's acceptable to you.

As far as the "talking back" - be firm with her about the fact it will not be tolerated. Tell her if she does it again then she will be punished/disciplined (grounded or whatever you feel is appropriate). Do NOT back down. Don't keep threatening her 10-15 times. Follow through the very next time she back talks.

Also, for this to work you must be consistent with your punishment. Consistency is the key.

You can't be consistent for a week then back off - it will work against you.

As far as telling others what to do - remind her that you are the parent and that its NOT her job to tell other people what to do.

Remind her that she is acting bossy and that its not a very good way to make friends. Being bossy will actually drive her friends away after a while because they will get tired of being treated that way. They will find new friends that are more pleasant to be around.

Encourage her with some activity that she can do by herself; such as reading a book. This will help her learn that she can be by herself and still have fun.

My 24 year old daughter was the type that occupied herself when she played and did not require someone to always entertain her.

She spent many hours reading, playing with toys by herself and such.

Your daughter sounds like she always wants to be the center of attention. She has to learn that she has to share - even time in the spotlight with her siblings. Don't give in to this because if you do - you will create a monster of a child.

I have a 12year old daughter and a 6week old son. My daughter is such a big help, very mature for her age, sweet, makes all A/B, lots of good friends... I too have to yell at her to get things done. I get the "I Know" remark when I remind her to clean her room, take a shower..., I have had many of "mommy/daughter" talks with her where I thought we made some progress, but the next day it's the smae.(that was months ago), I can honestly say, she is better. She listens when I speak to her and does what I ask sooner than later. I had to have lots of patience and kept at it. I praise her for all the good she does, and this really helps. Just keep at it, she does need those bounderies, and lots of patience from you. Are boys any easier at that age? since you have two?

This is the time that we need to have a lot patience. I personally find that my 9 year old is transitioning as well, so I assing different types of responsibilities that would require him to be more independent and accountable. It may be in another room or part of the house. I find that they need their own space away from the younger brother so he doesn't become overly critical or overly protective. Last night, I call him out and told him, does the problem involves you, then enjoy been a child and let mommie deal with the corrective action. Otherwise your brother will become to dependent on you and there will be times that you would want him to help you. I think its just the overly brother syndrome, "I can show mom how much I've grown by assuming the responsibilities of my siblings".

Human beings need the sense of control and the best way to start is with someone younger than them, I think that if everyone sits together and assings different task that would allow her to feel like she is part of something by trying to assist with her younger siblings you are fostering love, respect and admiration for her siblings.

The key is to write down the limits of what is acceptable, what she can expect to get out when she does listen and follows directions. (listening to her favorite CD, having a candelight bubble bath, teach her how to retreat and reflect on her time, that the time she spends going at it with her siblings she can internally use it for herself.

If the ages are to the extreme I think she is really trying to assist you and you've not recognize her efforts. Talk with her, not at her, listen to her comments and ask for her opinions, besides she will become a mommie one day and this is a nice way to practice skills that later will become a blessing, because you gave her the opportunity to become part of the family day by day She needs your guidance.
So turn an off situation into a great experience.
Change roles and have fun and have every one involve.

Hope it helps

B.

I can suggest a book that might help with the discipline part. It's called "Making Children Mind Without losing Yours." It's by Dr. Kevin Leman. He suggests what's called reality disicipline. This might be something that works for you. I'm sure you can pick it up at your local library.

E.

Congratulations! You have a pre-teen daughter! I remember my sister saying that someone replaced her wonderful child with a monster when she was 11!

Don't let her get to you. If she sees you blink - she's got you! Treat her just like the boys as far as responsibilities and chores. She's a middle child, the only girl AND PRETEEN!!

If she does her chores wrong - don't redo them! That just shows her that someone will always "fix" things.

One thing that helped my sister was to give choices. She's remind her to do a particular chore once. Then if she refused, give her the choice of doing it right or the punishment ( be specific). Give her 10 minutes (or however long) to decide. This gives her control over herself and what happens to her.

The same "choice" goes with menacing her brothers.

Make sure you recognize that she is "growing up" and your relationship changes. Does she have an "outlet"? Acting writing, sports, my help, too.

I just read MIMI'S post... she's right!! This WAS the time that my neice became VERY close to her dad!! They still have the same relationship! Mimi's smart!

Good luck! And once again...THANK YOU, GOD for giving me boys!

S.,
You definately have your work cut out for you!!!! It sounds like your daughter is checking your boundaries while also trying to get your attention in a negative way. Being a middle child myself, I can relate to the need for attention as a child. Also, with three kids, there is probably a lot of competing for attention. Females are different than boys, however, and that means we require extra attention.
It seems that you (or your husband) and your daughter need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk. You (or he) may have to have one on a weekly basis to keep the communication going. She's not a "bad" child, she just needs some re-direction. She needs to know that her behavior is unacceptable and that there is a much better way to treat people and that in order to be a productive member of the family, she must do her part. She is part of a family "body" and if her body part is not working properly, it needs attention and correction.
There is no need to argue with her because it won't do you or her any good. Simply "convince" her to see things differently. Also, you may be able to persuade her that she will be better off in the long run, by showing her the good consequences of obedience. Spending time together becoming friends, without giving up the parenting role, is another very important issue. If you are not spending quality time with her, she is not going to care what you have to say. Make sure you value her opinions and let her speak her feelings, but that she knows that you have the final say, because you are the parent and she is the child.
She has lost respect for your positions as her authority, so you will have to work on gaining that respect back through many talks and spending time together. She needs you to set real and clear boundaries for her, but to do it in love.
Don't take her actions personally, separate your emotions from the situation and try to look at it objectively.
When she fails to follow suit, don't worry, it took time to get where she is at and it will take time to change. Give appropriate consequences and tell her you will try to help her to do better next time. Let her know you are on her team and you want her to succeed and that you believe in her. She needs to know that.
Sit down with her and let her set some short term and long term realistic goals and then post them on her wall. As she meets a goal, let her check it off.
This is part of being a proactive parent. We are to teach our children the right way to go in life. If it takes holding their hand on a daily basis for a period of time, than that is what we must do. God Bless You!

The problem the big dog will some day meet a bigger dog. Siblings will grow up. My younger sister is now my bigger sister,but still younger.In writting set time limits a for each task which includes redoing task till correct. How ever much time she goes over the limit ground her.Be sure to shut down all computers, tVs and other electric games. AS far as sassing Give her the talk to my hand and walk away silently.Getting mad will only reinforce her attention seeking behavior. The task will still be there unless she does it and her time out increases.

Unfortunately, you have taught her how to treat you and it will take some time and a whole lot of patience to reverse what she has learned. My son's counselor, who specializes in behavior modification, has given me a wonderful tool to use with him. He is given 2 choices each with a consequence attached (we use the word consequence for both bad and good behavior). I "present" these choices as if they were in my hands. I extend my right hand with the choice and its consequence then do the same with my left hand. Of course, he usually picks the hand with the good consequence. Then when he doesn't fulfill the choice he doesn't get the consequence for the good behavior but does for the bad behavior. I remind him that he made the choice. It was very difficult at first but he eventually got the hang of it and does much better now. Does he always like the choices given him? Oh heavens no! And if he "completes" the task he's chosen half-heartedly, he gets to do it again until it's done right. At this point I keep reminding him (while he's grumbling the whole time) that he chose how he did the task and so has chosen the consequence of having less time for the fun activity attached to the task. There have been many times that I have had to hold my ground while fighting back anger, frustration and/or tears. But it has been so worth it in the long run. I wish you luck. It can be done, you just have to be firm and hold your ground with her. Also, if you choose to continue counseling for her, eventually the counselor will see her true colors. After all, they are trained to see through us and get to the nuts and bolts of what makes us work!

I suggest chore cards. Each card lists a different chore written on it. The chores will vary between 5 minutes long and 45 minutes long.

In our house we have a 15-second rule. "you have 5 seconds to agree to do what I said and 10 seconds to get started. For every minute you choose to stall, argue, smart-off, sulk, etc.. you will earn a chore card"

I also include these chore cards in an entire system to deal with the 6-12 year old. But this is what I suggest with that particular problem.

As for the attitude, sounds like learned to manipulate and irritate. Three words that keep you from getting sucked in are "knock it off". She exhibits bad attitude about people "knock it off". She rolls the eyes.. Knock it off!

Try not to get sucked into diversion or distraction techniques. For instance if you say something and she tries to turn it around "well you're mean".. use the magical word "Regardless".
"Regardless, you still must set the table."
"You're the meanest mom in the world and I hate you"
"Regardless, you're going to set the table. Here are the dishes, you have 15 seconds to get moving."

M.

Hi S.,
You need to read a great book called "personality plus"....shows you the strengths and weaknessed of people...the tempermment you are born with....and also what you must work on, change, etc. it will help you with all of your kids and life in general in relating to people. i have five kids...all a mix of two personalities...very strong willed and that is GREAT! will really help them in life...but teaching them at a young age how to act and use their talents and gifts is our responsibility....being nasty, defiant, attitude, know-it-all, etc is NOT acceptable and disrespectful to mom or dad or siblings...absolutely NOT! spanking serves it purpose from 2-5....or 6....beyond that, we should have done our part to lay the foundation...now you have to take away privileges, etc...whatever it takes to make the point! you are the mom, in charge...she is the child! period! sit her down, apologize for allowing her to act this way and then make the changes NOW! and if she crosses the line or boundary...she is punished! no "wait a minute" "when I feel like ti" "no" etc...we are to train her up.....and her attitude and being bossy won't get her too far as she gets older! so help her control herself and be respectful (of herself and your family) now...and it will pay off. i have strong-willed kids...I am strong willed....but there are boundaries and absolutes...and attitude and disrespect get you in HUGE trouble, talking back isn't even an option...sounds like mom and dad need to toughen up and lay the foundation! you are in charge ...but if you let a strong willed child think they are...trouble ahead! so take back your place as mom and dad! set the rules and dont back down!

Hello,
I would suggest reading the book 1,2,3 magic and Super Nanny's book. You can find them at bookstores. My daughter is the same way and has been for awhile now. But the 1,2,3 magic has some great tips on how to teach kids to be responsible on their own without us having to pull our hair out dealing with them. Good luck, you can do it. LynnZ.

Ps a doctor recommended the book and it is straight to the point and immediate.

some examples are the chore chart in their room (you have to monitor and make sure they are doing what they check off).
We have a total of 7 children and if I ask them to do something, I give them a few minutes to complete it (esp. if they are in the middle of doing something)and if it is not done, I say okay I'll do it, but you have to pay me out of your allowance. boy you should see how fast they do it, no gripe, because they know they are getting paid for it. A simple kitchen timer works good to, set it for ten minutes and they usually do whatever you need them to do (brush teeth, get dressed, load dishwasher) before it goes off. We have to teach them to do things on their own, without having to hear us nag. The 1,2,3, works good just explain to them you are going to start counting and if they don't do what you want them to do by three then trip to dairy Queen is off, or it's time to leave the pool or wherever you are. If you show them you mean business at first it will work. Give a few seconds for them to correct themselves before you keep counting. Read the book, you don't have to read the whole thing to get the big picture.