My 10Yr Old Daughter

I as well have a 10yr old who believes she is an adult. I'm so glad you asked this question because I'm at my wits end with her...there is some really good advise on here!!!

Somewhere, somehow, some time, she's been allowed to BE the boss. Kids who get by with getting what they want, do so because they are allowed to. It's VERY difficult to try and stop it once you've gone down that path.

If you set guidelines and boundaries and have not stuck to them, there is no respect for you or what you say. Remind her that if she wants to be the boss, there is plenty of work to do. She needs to help with cooking, dishes, laundry, etc. Don't make this punishment, but rather use as an opportunity to show her what it means to "be the boss". When it comes time to do those things, INVOLVE EVERYONE and try to see to it that "she takes the lead" - i.e. showing the other two how to fold laundry, teaching them something she knows how to do that they don't, etc.

TALK ABOUT RESPECT and how important that is. In addition, you HAVE to respect them. Don't make it one sided. Don't raid her room or listen in on things, etc. Help give her a sense of responsibility WITHOUT being a dictator.

Talk about the example she sets for the rest of the kids and that she should be a role model. Sometimes, bossing/bullying is a sign of LOW self esteem. They have to feel secure and in control. Give her OTHER ways - positive ways - to do this, NOT negative.

Tell her she must write a page or two pages about what it means to be a good role model, have her "find one"...can be famous, family, or whatever. If she refuses, then tell take away a phone, computer or whatever she spends time doing that she likes. Kids used to have to do this kind of stuff ALL the time. The ONLY time I ever remember having to do something like that -it was about talking when I wasn't supposed to- I NEVER FORGOT and never did it again. It instills it into their head when they write.

Remind her that you treat others the way you want to be treated. Ask her how she feels when someone treats her that way. Talk about inappropriate and appropriate behaviors CONTINUALLY....not just hers, but others. It helps give them a sense of awareness and helps them see things in a different perspective.

YOU MUST BE CONSISTENT in your rules. Give them an inch, they'll take a mile. I used to be a substitute teacher and trust me on this........The kids thought I was a mean dictator in the beginning, but learned otherwise. If I had let my guard down in the beginning....it would have been chaos and nothing would have gotten accomplished.

Hi A.,

I loved Pam R's creative solution and agree with Deb K about consistency being realy key in setting up how your house is going to be.

I think there are a few things coming into play here. She is the oldest, and most of the mom's I know say that the oldest is a challenge. I know that's been the case in my house. They are going to try everything first and probably challenge more authority. What the kids that follow her do will depend on the example you set and how tollerant you are when she bucks against you. Remember they are watching and learning.

Also as a girl, she is starting to buck for who is going to be the woman of the house. Again, most of the moms I know with daughters have had the same experience. My dad always told me there can only be one woman in a household and it seems to apply with our daughters as well.

Yes, things have changed and you are starting school and work, but that's the way of life. Things change. How you handle it, and whether or not you stay consistent will help her deal with the change. You, the rules and boundaries you set, and the consequences with be the port in a storm of change and will actually help her deal with all of the changes better.

I would do a couple of things. If you don't have a list of rules posted that are simple and clear, I would start there. Type them, print them, post them, and have a family meeting to go over them and what they mean. Have a list of corresponding consequences. Then I would type a list of chores and post them and explain those too, along with corresponding rewards. I think it is good to have something they win available as well as something they lose.

When she breaks a rule, don't argue with her. Refer her back to the rules and consequences and follow through. If she gets mad, don't engage with her. If you respond by getting upset or if you get into a prolonged discussion with her, she wins because she is still controlling the situation as well as putting off the consequence, also, by doing it you are implying that she has a say in the matter. I would make them things that are easy to follow through wth. Take the ipod, the tv, outside time with friends, the phone. I would take them for the day. She is old enough and with every offense if she loses stuff then she will end the day with nothing. A miserable experience, but a profound one. The next day present her things to her with a fresh start and a new chance to make good choices. Reward her at every opportunity BUT do not reward her by giving her the stuff that she lost. Reward her with different things like time with you, time by herself, choosing the tv show, extra outside play time, a sleepover at the end of the week and so forth. If you give her back her stuff that means her consequences are not firm and she can manipulate the situation to get her stuff back.

This is all just suggestion from a complete and total ameteur. You have to do what you think is best. For what it's worth I applaud you for being a mom good enough and carin enough to try to nip it in the bud. Good for you.

L.

Hello, I too have a 10 yr. old daughter who is acting the same way. After many attempts to curb her attitude (tried the same stuff you did) My husband and I decided to keep a journal of her good and bad behavior. At the end of each day we would go over the journal with her and discuss her neg. behavior and let her know calmly that this is unaccaptable and ask her what she can do to change the bahavior. This gave her the control to talk calmly about the situations and had her become accountable for her actions. If there were too many neg. incidents like disrespecting me, not following thru on chores, being mean to her siblings, we would take a priveledge away for the next day. This was a very clear and calm way of curbing her attitude. It also gave her time alone with us to voice her stuff. At first it was hard but got easier and calmer every day. We have been doing this for a few weeks and is really working. I don't get as angry any more, I just go to the Journal and write down the crappy stuff. The house has been calmer as well. But, make sure you do draw attention to her good behavior and give her a little something for that at the end of the week like going out for icecream alone with you. It really has helped. Please let me know if you try this and how it is working. I was a a frustrated mess before I started this and am much more relaxed now. Good luck.

Your child may be reacting to you going to school, since you've been a full time mom, especially if this is a new behavior. Since she is the oldest with your new job situation you might enlist your daughter as your "helper" with responsiblities to help you. If she does these responsiblities "payment" would not be monetery, but special time with just you to a movie, lunch, or something just you and your daughter can do together. Don't fall into the trap of giving her "things: like a cell phone.

Sherryl S.

We went through this with my daughter. We decided to let her be the lady of the house. We sat down with her, told her what it included as far as the household meant, not the driving part, explaining to her that women of the house without cars had to pay someone to take them to the store etc., and naturally she couldn't write the checks my husband would have to do that but she would have to tell him when the bills were due so he would pay them, then wrote a daily list of the responsibilities and gave it to her. For the next two weeks it was her job to be the lady of the house.

It lasted three days. She was more than happy to turn it back over to me.

Just a suggestion.

There are things that your daughter can be in charge of. She can be in charge of her own room-keeping it cleaned up, making her bed and arranging her things like she wants. She can have other responsibilities around the house.Strong willed children need to be guided on the right path but not have their spirit broken. The strong will is what gets many of us through life. Discuss with your daughter the things that she can "be in charge" of and those that are not. If she does a good job of being her responsibilities she might be rewarded for her good job. When she forgets who the parents are and what is not her job then a priveledge can be taken away, TV always worked in my house.

Hi, A.! Sorry for the late response, but I just turned on my computer for the first time in over a WEEK!! Anyway, with my boys (11 and 12 years old), when they get mouthy, disrespectful, or just plain mean and nasty, they get big house chores. Mopping the floors, wash the windows, scrub the toilets (all four of them, not just one), pulling weeds, wash baseboards, stuff like that. Let me tell you, after my older son had two of those chores to do, he turned a corner with a much better attitude. At first, he didn't think it was a big punishment, and since he decided to keep running his mouth, I added a second chore. I haven't heard a word out of either of them since!! Be consistent and stick to your guns. You're the mom, not her. Don't let her get away with it now, or it will only get worse when they're older. Be strong! You can do it!!

Okay A., let her take care of the house with certain ground rules. She's 10 & is old enough to take on being responsible to help with the cleaning & cooking. You will be in school & won't have as much time so give all 3 kids a part in the daily routine of the household. There are things that only you can do like pay the bills, mow the grass or drive. But the 2 of you can fix stuff up & put in the fridge that she can put in the oven or on top of the stove or slow cooker when your not there. Let's face it, she wants to be treated as a young adult. Let her see what responsibilities you contend with everyday & she might back down a little or she step up to the line & chip in to help you with everyday living. By the way, where's dad in all this? Have a good weekend, A.. Make some fudge with her. Here is a good reciepe: take a handful of mashed potatoes drop in a big bowl; add a couple of tablespoons of margarine & either cocoa [a couple of tablespoons] or peanut butter [like 1/2 a jar!]. Mix this together with a healthy splash of vanilla. Then start adding powder sugar to the mess! It takes big bag, about a pound maybe a bit more. Then you can shape these like cookies but no baking! Press them out with your thumb or fork or whatever you want or just leave them in small balls of sugary goodness. Good luck.

Hi A., this is about the time they get a mind of their own. Maybe if you would make a special time for just you and your daughter to do something together she might not feel the burden of helping with the other kids. I do know that kids are more unrulely now days than when our kids were younger but they were also more unrulely than when we were kids. When we were kids you just minded what your folks told you to do and now the law steps in and tells you what you can and cannot do and that is I think why the kids think they can do whatever they want too. Good luck