Does Anyone Elses Husband but in When You're Trying to Discipline??

Hi H.-
I know you got many responses, which is fantastic! I did not read all of them... but maybe you both need to sit down and discuss what he would like to see happen when the kids act up. Once you both agree on discipline, I know you will be the one to follow through, but maybe come up with a code word telling him to bud out, so it does not teach the kids disrespect, but remind him on what you agreed upon.
Good luck!

Say to him exactly what you said on here, if you havent? In a constructive way? Know what I used to do? HOLD HIS HAND and lead him to sit down somewhere, and dont let go of his hand when you speak, looking directly in his eyes.

Also, he was more than likely raised with a dominant father that way. Many families were, and still are. It's an old cliche.
Boy, I feel for you! I get to be a single mom now, and have been since my first was a LITTLE baby. She's now 15 and my other daughter is 2.

Wendy

Hi H., yes, I am in the same boat as you are when it comes to this situation AND, I get the same reaction from his mom.. My daughter's going to be 6 years old this coming weekend, and since we started disciplining her, him and/or his mom have always stepped in when I say anything to her. She now thinks everything I say is a joke, until I get so angry, that it seems steam comes out of my head, in which case I end up walking away so as not to say anything I shouldn't, and my husband is right behind, telling her it's ok..

I've not found a solution to this problem yet, although, in talking to his mom about this, she's actually backed off, and will let me discipline when needed, but he's still the same, and always says he'll stop, but never does...

My opinion on this, he needs to be in control, and that's how I look at the situation, if you ever do find the solution, please let me know!!

I wish you luck in this, as I know how frustrating it gets!

M.

Oh H. I thought I was the only one! Isn't this frustrating! ARRRGGGHHHH!

I have the added problem that DH is the stay-at-home parent so they are inclined to listen to him anyway. And both DSs are very mommy-is-a-treat and daddy-is-stale-bread as it is, even WITHOUT undermining any authority I might have had.

My husband has gotten better, but he still does this. What I did to make him back off (when he remembers) was to talk to him when the boys weren't around and we weren't exhausted (yeah, finding this type of time was hard!). Here's what I said:

"I need you to do something for me. It is really important, and I NEED it. When I'm trying to discipline one of the boys, I'd like you to stay out of it. Leave the room if you have to, but stay out of it. As it is I have no authority, because you jump in and are the bad cop. So the boys don't listen to anything because they wait until YOU say it. I know you're just trying to help, and I love that about you. But I really need you to let me be the bad cop on my own. Please."

then follow up with:

"I know this will be hard, because it's a habit. So if I'm trying to discipline one of the boys and you start to try to be the bad guy for me, I will look at you and say [whatever your code word is, ours was simply "please daddy"]. If I say that I would like for you to leave the room."

Then you need to do what you have said you will.

I still have to use "please daddy" sometimes, but he has gotten so much better. He didn't realize that trying to be my hero by being the bad guy for me was such a problem. Good luck!

I am being honest here, that parent was me. My husband believes in spanking etc...but, he has never wanted to actually do it. With that, it meant that as our kids grew-up (they are 14, 13, 11) I was the "bad guy" for the most part. Dad could raise his voice etc..but it always meant that I "had to take over" to finish the punishments. Then, as time went on, it turned to I always took over -to, I almost never let him finish a sentence when he was talking to them about they had done wrongly. I can say, a talking to about it only brought out what I knew already - I was butting in where I shouldn't. It made us look as though we were not united as parents etc... A conversation with your husband about how you must be on the same page and if you handle things together fine...but if it has already been handled - and it bothers you that he still talks with them later...include yourself in their talks so that it seems like you are just following up on what already took place. And if he doesn't like that you are not handling things because he doesn't want to be the bad cop, then he has to share the reins over them. A real heart to heart w/hubby is needed and lay it all out for him....how this is affecting you internally, as well as with the kids - and then how he reacts when you try to just let him do it....and decide together how you will move forward. Good luck and God Bless You!

I'd strongly suggest going to counseling together with a therapist who has background in parenting. There are two challenges here, as I perceive it: 1. Your relationship with the children being undermined. 2. Deterioration of your marriage from being disrespected by a controlling husband.

The situation will only get worse if not properly addressed. Your husband needs to hear a professional tell him what the problem is with his behavior. He does not listen to you, and now the kids don't either. The longer this goes on, the worst it will get, the more resentful you might become. It's a downward spiral. Get to counseling, and take your power back. Plus, the therapist can help with solutions for handling the sassiness or whatever else you might need help with, and keep you both on the same track in handling the children.
Really, nip this in the bud. To me, this is a sign of disrespect from your husband that needs to be addressed.
Also, perhaps the two of you have different parenting styles, whereas he (or both of you) might think that each has the "right" one. A therapist can help with that.
At the minimum, I'd suggest reading some books together on parenting working together. Then perhaps you can come up with agreements on how to handle situations - both in terms of how to deal with the children AND how to deal with one another.
I hope that helps.

I look at this as your husband is trying to be warrior hero in your family and you are not allowing that to come out in him. Have you heard of DR. Lauras book "The proper care and feeding of husbands" It is very good!!!!!! Also there is a web site loveandlogic.com that is very good for disciplining your children so they take responsiblity for there own actions. Even one liners that are enpowerment statements that are enforceable to change things very fast. Like sassing and out of order stuff. I hope this helps you it sounds like you are trying so hard. Keep up the good work. Appreciate your husband for the good in him and forgive the rest. You will look at him different after reading the proper care and feeding of husbands. love,M

Okay--discipline for us has been tough! I'd actually say over all my husband is the more stricter discipline. There is an awesome psychologist and I forget his name--he runs an institute in Carlsbad, I believe--and he specialized in adolescent drug counseling--and found that he needed to change things at a much younger age than teenagers.....so he does all ages now. I went to a seminar, and he stressed that the parents need to agree together on how to handle situations. And you can't back-stab each other---it needs to be the 2 of you Vs. the kids---not husband vs. wife---which is hard for me to do sometimes...but I understand the point. So in the seminar he makes you make a list of your top 3 bad behaviors you want to stop--because you can't solve everything at once. And you AND your husband say when X happens, we'll do Y---so you pre-plan. And after you concentrate on this for literally over 6 months--you can move on to another item to fix. But don't try to fix and discipline everything at once. Hope this helps!

Hi H.

I'm lucky in that my husband doesn't interfere when I discipline my children, but I CAN say that I too have a sassy 5 year old (just turned 5 in March). I find a better way to show her that her behaviour is unacceptable is to go down the 'feelings' route. Somebody once gave me the advice, and it worked for me. I find if she's rude to me, if I tell her that her behaviour has made me sad, she responds better to if I shout or scold her. If I tell her that she has made me FEEL upset, or FEEL sad, or FEEL disappointed etc, she tries to understand why and we can talk about it in a more understanding and communicative way...

I hope this helps!
Good luck
C. x

We've had similar issues where we disagree on the way to handle things with discipline and the mistake we make is discussing it in front of our daughter (she's 4 too). I'm actually worse about it than my husband because it's hard for me to be patient with my thoughts. Someone here suggested having the child go to their room while Mommy & Daddy talk. It's important the children see you two as a team. It sounds like your husband is willing to work on this with you so maybe you can suggest this. Sometimes when my husband disciplines, there might be a piece of information he's not aware of that makes the difference (like I already told her she could do something) but it's important to talk respectfully to each other in front of the children and if it can't be resolved quickly, have them leave while you talk. This way the child doesn't think one of you is the good cop and the other the bad cop. You become a team and discipline with love. I've gotten so much better at this and it takes practice. I think it's ok for both of you to talk to the child together, as long as you are coming across as a team supporting each other. Keep your discussions with your daughter simple - their little minds can absorb only so much and be consistent. If your husband is respecting you, the children will follow. When you talk to him you might want to use the approach saying "We need to work on this together" instead of it being his fault, as you are in fact a team. Hang in there. :)

YES, and it's had the same effect... they don't take me seriously. Now that they are getting older, he looks like the jerk to them. It's ridiculous, and very upsetting. Now that our oldest is 15 he's starting to see the error of his ways and has taken steps to reverse it.
It takes a lot of self control, but it is possible to calm down and stay out of it. You must do the same when he disciplines them, even if it doesn't seem the punishment fits the crime. The desire to change has to come from him not from you telling him he has too. Resist the tempatation to argue with him in front of your kids. You'll both loose credibility.

(we have 5 boys, ages 15, 13, 8, 5, and 3)

I hate to tell you this but all kids dont take us seriously, I still cant understand how my husband never has to discipln our daughter, but all he has to do is raise his voice, and bam shes doin what shes told, and shes 15,Ive only been with my husband for only 4 years, and before that ive done all the disciplining, it makes me mad sometimes, but ive learned sometimes im really greatful i dont have to do it, its kinda nice to have a break, and it makes me feel hes being a good dad, i also call him in any time i start to argue or whatever with my daughter, because she tells different stories to us when we're alone, this way we all talk together and explain each side. parents win 99% of the time this way. my daughter actually learns from this, as she calls "it gainging up on her" and respect us, shes doing allot better than either of us at her age. good luck I hope I helped somewhat, but I know how hard it is to reason with our men, on just about anything, especially our kids.

Argh! I actually do that a little bit when my husband is disciplining our daughter. I hate it when I do it, but sometimes I can't help it! I am sorry!
On the flip side, I have a co-worker that does that to me at the school I work at.

Have a good day! :)

Hi H.,

This is a recipe for disaster as your kids grow. You need couples therapy. This is more than just about discipline.

V.

Yes, this definitely happens at our house! And not just with hubby...my mom is worse about this! I had a talk with both my husband and my mom and they seem to be getting better about it. I hope you keep at it, and keep reminding him that your kids need to be respectful of you. And I hope that your husband really works on this also. In the meantime, I have to say that it's great that your husband wants to be involved in their lives and not be one of those dads who just kick back and stay out of it. But yes...there definitely needs to be a balance.

Hello-
Unfortunately I have a little different issue. I have 2 children from a prior marriage. I am a stay at home mom and when my new husband comes home he is always on the kids for things he has issues with. What I do is I ask him to let me deal with the children. I nicely tell him that I already know what the issues are and that I will take care of the issue and I will communicate with him later. I think the best thing is to let him know that you appreciate him wanting to help you, but that you can handle the issue. SADLY I think they are trying to be out heros and help us but they don't realize how much they are hurting. The way I preface it with my husband is that we BOTH know what is right. If I start correcting and then you come in and try to help me, the kids think I don't know what I am doing. BUT if you let me deal with the issue, then come to you to let you know what is going on, if you don't feel what I did was correct, then you can tell ME. Not correct me in front of the kids, cuz then they just see me as another kid. I think if we pump our husbands egos up we can get what we want. Just let him know that what he is saying to the kids is correct and that you are both on the same page in correcting and let him know he doesn't have to go thru the hassle of correcting them that he will think you are attempting to help him and he will back off. you both will win. I think if you think about what I have said & put it into context it will work. It did for me. He still tries to boss around every now and again but for the most part, I am in charge with the kids. Good luck

L.

Yes, yes, yes. I have found that if I get frustrated with him(daddy), his "controlling" behavior kicks in on overdrive. What works for us, is I maintain and appearance of calm, and say Oh, are you going to handle this daddy? Oh, O.K. Then tidy up or walk away to do something else. Leave in a way that does not loook like you are sulking off. This way the kids see you working together, and you do establish some authority by "letting" daddy handle it.
In regards to you feeling like the kids do not take you seriously. This is a tricky one, and only you can fix this. My son 4 actually said at one point, we don't have to listen to you. Again, I stayed calm through my clenched jaw and explained, yes it is a good idea to listen to mommy, because mommy and daddy make the rules and when you choose not to listen to the rules, you lose priveleges. It has taken a few times of me taking away toys or tv time when he does not listen, but I think that I have re-established authority. If your husband, like mine still tries to undermine, which he will. I say, oh daddy you are giving the toy back?, or whatever the situation and say Oh, well, mommy is still really mad about such and such and I do not think that it is a good idea. ...
Something that helped me, when I was feeling very overhwelmed by my situation is a therapist/friend told me that each parent has their own relationship with the kids. You can only be responsible for your personal relationship with them. In an ideal world, mommy and daddy work together, but if you truly have a partner that does not partner, you have to figure out a way to establish your relationship in the way you want your kids to see you. I know that none of us want to be seen as victims.

Oh yeah, ugrh! My husband and I are currently in therapy working on communication and other issues which have really helped us. And one of the things that did come up was to allow each other room to parent and the other one GET OUT OF THE WAY. It isn't easy for both of us, but we see that it is important. It's not good for our son to see us lock horns. And it isn't good for us because it's not supportive. So tell your hubby that you love him and thank him for his input, but to start keeping those thoughts silent and in his head and support you as a parent. Hey, he can make dates to tell you his feelings, but not to do it in front of the kids.

Sure hope all that helps. We are a work in progress all of us couples and parents.

R.

My husband and I have agreed never to interrupt the other's discipline or object in front of the kids. Your kids really need to know that Mom and Dad are united. It's not easy because we don't always agree with how the other is handling a problem, but if it really needs to be addressed, we will approach one another and discuss it when the kids are not within earshot. Kids are better off and more secure in general if Mom and Dad are a united front. If you can talk to your husband about this and you two can agree to always be united in front of the kids, it may help him to have more self control and not jump in, knowing it is better for the kids that way. If he disagrees with how you have handled something, he should go to you alone and you two should come to a solution when you are alone. It's not about "hiding" it from your kids or being "fake" in front of them, it's just recognizing that your kids see you two as one unit and when you have disagreements in front of them, they don't understand it's just a normal part of life, they see the unity is broken and that upsets their little world. I think if your husband sees it that way, he may be able restrain himself when he feels like jumping in. That's my opinion, at least, I hope it helps!

So you have three children? I know I know cheap shot! We gotta laugh though. Anyways if he wants to belittle your ability to discipline the children let him, let him be the bad cop since he so forcefully underhands your every effort and when he's at his wits end, talk to him in a calm manner and suggest that the two of you come to an agreement - you can't discipline a grown man honey, well I could personally but that's another story. Sooner or later your children will be at ages where respect is all you have to use in the molding of their little hearts and minds and if you don't get a handle on this you both will have quite a long road ahead, even those who have a well managed home - where the parents show a united front are sometimes confronted with cituations that are far beyond their reach but at least together they have each other as support and isn't the outcome the most important? - that your children have values and morales that will prepare them for the world before them, with family at the core only helps to ensure they are prepared, it doesn't guarantee it, so approach your husband from another angle and tell him what you are really feeling, and do not do it while you are upset - seriously think about it and you know him better than any of us, I'm sure you will find a tactful way of handling it, you married him and he is the father of your children and I'm sure you don't need him sitting at the kiddie table while you are trying to keep your sanity! GOOD LUCK HONEY AND LET US KNOW HOW THIS TURNS OUT.....IF NOTHING ELSE AT LEAST YOU KNOW YOU CAN COME HERE FOR THE MOST HONEST ANSWERS TO SOME OF LIFE'S MOST DIFFICULT QUESTIONS.....Oh by the way, I have children of the corn, pretty little tikes, angelic, naughty, talented, obnoxious, thoughtful, growing, learning, and respectful, helpful, and their eyes - BRIGHT AND FULL OF SOUL! One is mine biologically and she's 20, and the 100 others range from 2 - 30, I'm 42 and we have the best life anyone in this universe could ask for WE HAVE EACH OTHER! you'll be fine......ROCK ON MAMASOURCE ROCK ON!

H.,
You really need to clue him in on how badly he is undermining you with your kids. What he is doing should NEVER happen, if he doesn't like what you do he needs to talk to you in private, away from the kids. If you do not nip this in the bud, so to speak, you will have some serious problems when your kids become teenagers. It is bad enough when both parents work together and you kids hit that point of becoming aliens from another planet. With parents who are at odds concerning discipline you and your kids will end up in a very bad relationship.
Good luck!

Sounds to me you are doing a O.K., Job at communicating with your husband. Lucky for you your kids are not old enough to figure it out yet ...who to go to. But keep the faith. They will and that will be the one they will turn to when they are in trouble.
You might suggest to your husband that when he is butting in it makes you feel inadaquit as a parent and the next time he does that you can come up with a signal to tell him to knock it off. Like a suddle one like opening your eyes wide and giving him the look. Then there are the not so suddle one like flipping him the bird. ha ha ha
Good Luck..
Life is a lesson and we never stop learning.

My husband and I will sometimes have a disagreement on how to discipline our son. At times I think he is being too harsh or unreasonable. And then sometimes the other way around. I find it works best if we send our son to his room and we have a sit down discussion about how we both should handle it. We work out a compromise. Then play rock paper scissors on who gets to talk to him! LOL ok sometimes on that one! If we talk to him together we take turns. Talk to your husband and explain to him you are a team and you would like your children to understand that. Hope this helps, good luck!

Oh goodness, I have the opposite, he won't ever help me discipline AND says the same "bad cop" line! For this reason I feel they don't listen to me, because if dad doesn't mind, then why should they listen to me. Maybe you could encourage your husband when he is talking to them to say, you guys need to listen to your mom, dad does not like the way you are behaving either. This is what I WISH my husband would do, just support me.

You both know at least part of why he does this - he doesn't want to be the "bad guy." Some people view their children as their one chance to know someone who will always adore them, and they can't bear the thought of their kids ever being angry at them or upset about something they've said or done. My husband was one of those people. Plus, he remembered from his childhood wanting his dad to intervene when his mom disciplined him, and wanting his mom to intervene when his dad disciplined him. So, he was absolutely sure that he was being a good parent by getting inbetween me and the kids. He was also sure that if the kids were ever angry or unhappy, it meant that we were bad parents, so he tried to make sure they were never upset. Of course, that's just unrealistic.

What helped him was reading about and listening to experts and other parents. The biggest help was finding dads he admired and watching what they did. All of that was FAR more effective than anything I had to say. Men are just hardwired to listen more to other men. (Aggravating, but true.)

Ask him to explain exactly how he's "working on it." You both need a plan. It might be helpful for a while to say that when he's home, he's in charge, and you stay completely out, and when he's not home, you are in charge and he has to agree to butt out and not second guess you. Maybe he'll start to see how complicated parenting is. Be searching out things to read and programs to watch and people to talk to so he can see what other dads do, and how effective it is or isn't.

Good luck! Remember, you're in this together!

Yes, and he only wants to be interested in the kids it seems when I do so. But wtv they are his too so we compromise just our kids have to suffer because men need to feel apart of things and feel as if they have a say. Needless to say one of my kids regularly runs off in parking lots his method get the other child who walks off and hides with in a min out first shes also our special needs one. If I had the say my other more dangerous child would get restrictions when we got inside the house/ home and a time out for her acting out. His idea to tell her not to do it. But we got her a monkey backpack to help with the running off. Good luck, just pick your battles I try not to with him.

And counseling would be nice but lets be serious, how in the world are you going to get a man there, what lie say you won tickets to some where they want to go and then surprise them? I asked mine to go he said no were fine you should go if you want to though. We also had therapy people like OT and stuff tell him not to baby our daughter he still does. People have told us to find a common ground with it like his mother who's a kinder garden teacher & been happily married for many yrs, he still doesn't listen. Some men are just hard headed and you wont get threw easy.

Yes, you basically have to accept he is your 3rd child, and that you just cant always reach him or get him to understand or do what hes told. :) I often call mine my 3rd child. But really unless he wants to listen you aren't going to get threw to him. As for how to deal, just let him feel validated then go and still teach the kids the proper way or discipline as you may usual. Kids learn each parent is different so its not a big deal just watch out for kids who ask one parent instead of another in their teens. And teens who send parents all mad at one another because they know they don't agree on something, and so on.

I really hope this helps.

This sometimes happens to us as well. Since I stay at home with the kids I obviously discipline them when my husband is not around. But, when he is home, he is usually the one to do the disciplining. It doesn't bother me because I always try to remember that the kids run to me for comfort. When my two year old takes a tumble and my husband tries to hold him, he wiggles his way out of his arms and runs to me. Imagine how that must feel. So, it's always been a little known fact in our relationship that my husband does the disciplinging (when he is home) and I do the comforting. Think of what we are to our children. Warm, soft, sensitive to their needs, and caring. Dad holds a little bit of a more authoritive, deep, masculine character. If my son isn't punching and being thrown onto the bed in a wrestling match with my husband, he is cuddling with me on the couch. So, we both have our own nurturing and disciplining skills.

Hi H. L,
I'm answering with my wife's name, but I am a father of a VERY spirited 4 year old girl and a 13 month old son.
Though I would NEVER undo a correction my wife hands out to my kids, I do see that sometimes my wife is at her wits end with my daughter and sometimes things devolve into an estrogen match. Maybe your husband has the same thoughts I have about this?
However, I think it is extremely important to stand united or soon the little darlings will skin us alive. I believe that kids who can play parents against each other could end up doing self destructive things as teens only to find out in adult life that they have serious character flaws and competative handicaps.
Might I suggest that bringing this problem up in the same way as you have in the past will get you the same results as always, arguments with the hubby.
It's useless.
Try a different aproach. Get him alone, use your feminine charms. Put things in such a way that he would be a hero figure if he built up your authority instead of tore it down. Getting him on board is so essential.
Lastly, I think constistant discipline is more important than the absolute correct discipline. This means that you might dig deep with some introspection on how you punish. The bottom line is coming up with a plan that both of you can handle. This means you may have to meet hubby in the middle and change up a few discipline tactics.
My wife and I are struggling with our girl too. My rant is some of what we came up with.
Best of luck.

Hi H.,
Count it a blessing to have a husband who is involved. Talk with him (more) and work out an agreement that when one disciplines, the other will stand in agreement and reinforce - only if necessary. Clarify the "only if necessary" part - that means if the behavior that needed discipline continues. Reaffirm your spouse H., and let him know you appreciate his support and involvement with his children - a noble thing...but when you "got this" - he should stand down and let you handle your business.

My husband did the very same thing. I tried to talk to him alone and went over all the issues with him. He continued, like yours did. I suggested we see a family/marriage counselor. He straigntened up and I see he really tries to clamp down on his "butt -in" . Now he asks if there is anything I want him to add to the disciplining. I can say no thank you i got it covered or yes, please do.

Something about airing out dirty laundery to a therapist goes against some men's preferences.

Do not give up on the communication between your husband and yourself.

Good luck.
Mother of a 16 yr old and soon to be 2 yrs old tornado ;)
M. P.