Do you have any ideas of how to keep from getting trapped into the role of wicked step mother with the kids? My husband has a hard time setting boundaries with his kids. The last few months he has been sending the kids to ask me permission, when the answer is obviously NO. He avoids saying no to the kids at all costs. A few Sundays ago I drove to church, and had to ask his 7 year old 3 times to get his seatbelt on and my husband did nothing. The next time I simple took his dad’s phone away that he was playing with until he got his seatbelt on. The kids worship their dad and steer clear of me, and then my husband gets angry at me for not being closer to his kids. I can't win!
Ironically he gets on my back insisting that I discipline my kids more. His kids can do whatever, but mine better tow the line.
His 7yr old has terrible temper tantrums and drives me nuts with his whining, but they just tolerate it. When I have him in the summer I calmly put him in time out for this behavior, but his 13 year old daughter tattles on me when her dad gets home, acting like putting him in time out is a horrible thing! My husband doesn’t mind me using time outs as long as he is not the one doing it. I think he likes the bad guy good guy thing.
I tried to talk to my husband about making me the heavy with the kids, but he simple says it’s not happening. Banging my head against the wall here! Any advice?
List of house rules. List of consequences for breaking a house rule. Everyone abides by the same rules and gets the same consequences.
He should be disciplining his own kids at least. When he sends them to ask you "yes" or "no", calmly tell them to "ask your dad". When they don't wear their seatbelt say "Honey, I'll start driving when your son has his seatbelt on...you might want to remind him of the law". Why SHOULD you always be the bad guy? If his kids misbehave when he's away, just write down what they did: temper tantrum from 10:45am to 11:15am because crusts weren't cut off the bread, for example (don't dish out the punishment right then), tell them that you'll let their dad know how they acted and hand him the list of things HE needs to address with his own kids. I'm "bad cop" in my family and it does bother me, but they are all MY kids, and SOMEONE has to be in charge of teaching them right and wrong...if Daddy isn't going to do it, I have to. But it DOES bother me. If they weren't even MY kids, I would NOT stand for it. Until your husband "gets the picture", just stop disciplining HIS kids altogether. You obviously love his kids, you care about the kind of people they grow up to be, but right now, you do not LIKE them as they are spoiled, tattle-taling, temper-tantrum throwing, whiny little brats...ask your husband if those truly are the kinds of children he wants because his lack of parenting skills is making them that way!
" tried to talk to my husband about making me the heavy with the kids, but he simple says it’s not happening."
This is your real issue - you tell him you are having an issue and he says it's not happening. If he won't step up, you will always be the bad guy. And he's not going to step up and do something if "it's not happening" in his reality! In my experience, counseling is the best bet when this happens.
When he sends them to you so you can say "no", just tell them you will need to discuss the decision with their father. Then tell your husband you will not be the bad guy alone and that together you need to present a united front. If he won't agree then send them back to him. I also agree with making a list of household rules/consequences so everyone is equal. Have a family meeting and have everyone help make the list - talk with your husband before and make sure you are united during the meeting. If kids see that you are split, they will drive a wedge deep between you and play you off each other.
I'm a not a step-mom, just a new mom, BUT I was raised by a step-mom. Yes, I did think she was the evil step-mom back then but now I realize that I wouldn't be who I am today without her. As for your husband, my dad was the same way. And all I can say, is try to nip in the butt now because it is still an issue now and I am 31. My father has 4 kids total, 2 were from my step-mom. They are now divorced as well. Currently, 2 of my brothers are in need of discipline that they are still not getting from him, and since they never did, is partly why are they are in the situations they are. By all means this is not just his fault, and every situation is different. But I agree with others who say join together for the negative disciplining, and do it ASAP. Good luck and thank you for being a step-mom, they are just as important as mom's.
You and your hubby have to come to an agreement or it is never going to get better. I am guessing that their bio-mom has them most of the time and if that is the case, your hubby probably doesn't want to be a strict parent but rather a friendly one to them. He needs to get a grip on reality and realize that he isn't doing himself, you or the kids any favors.
Tell him you will help enforce rules but he needs to be the one to tell the kids what they are and stick by them. If they come to you for what should be a "no" because he sent them, walk with them back to him and say "is it ok with you for them to do xyz?". That forces him to answer.
Just stop. Tell them one time & start taking things away. Don't bother to punish or discipline. If they start screaming or acting up ignore them or walk away if possible. Leave the situation as much as possible & leave their dad to deal with the bad behavior. Don't have them over to the house unless their dad will be there.
I think the idea of walking them back to their dad when the answer is an obvious no "saying you are o.k. with them doing xyz?" is smart too.
It would be smart to sit down with your husband to type up house rules & consequences for breaking those rules & a schedule of chores for each person.
It would be smarter to write down on a note pad the offences & let the kids know you will let there dad deal with them when he gets home.
Put it back on him to be their parent he fathered them not you. He needs to grow up, grow a pair & be a parent not a friend. Kids have lots of friends & few parents.
Find ways to put everything back on him. It's not your job to take care of this problem for him. He does need counseling & you should go with him.
I am a stepmom too, man it can be a challenge! I often felt like the wicked stepmom too. Best book I ever read was "The Smart Stepfamily" by Ron Deal. Also good "The Smart Stepmom" by Laura Petheridge. Also good "The secret lives of children of divorce." Hope that helps!
M.
Having been the stepmother, and fallen into the wicked stepmom roll, avoid being the disciplinarian. Tell your husband to shape up! and be a DAD.
I could write a book about all the things that I went through but I think I will stop with those two sentences.
He doesn't want to be the bad guy, doesn't have to be when he has you to set the rules. Don't let him put you in wicked step mother role. Choose your battles when needed and force him to step up.
If he was a good dad on the first place - his first wife might've kept him. Now you got do deal with the problems.
I am sorry, but the only way to avoid any stepkids issues is to not marry or date man with kids.
This battle will be very difficult, I do not know if you have any kids together? Think well before you do, he will be that way with your kids too.
If those kids are in your house make sure daddy is with them, not you.
Ask yourself if you want this problem in the future because it is not going to go away.
normal step mom thing and all kids think all parents are wicked that discipline I have steps and blood. He needs to be the one to discipline them the only time you should is when he isnt around. as far as your kids raise them your way not his way if he complains about yours tell him he is doing the same thing with his. he is trying to "buy their love " for a better lack of wording. he is the bieng the good guy afraid of making them mad.
I like Denise's idea. If you and hubby can agree on the list, then no one is the bad guy.
My husband is the bio dad of our two remaining kids at home, and I'm usually the bad guy as well, because I'm the stronger personality, and he doesn't like conflict. So doesn't only happen in step situations.
Oh my, you don't have a kid problem, you have a relationship problem. Maybe your guy has some divorce guilt, so he doesn't want to ever say no. Maybe he just doesn't like conflict. Either way, this is something you two have to deal with sooner than later. It's not fair to you. It's not fair to his kids. It's not fair to your kids. It's not even good for him! It's just not a super healthy situation. I think you should find a couples or family counselor to help you deal with this specific situation.
