Help on Being a Step Mother

If you were my daughter I would tell you to run as fast as you can. He needs to spend his time raising his children. It is not fair to them or you. It seems like a loss/loss to me. You are far to young to take on this much.

my mother (i know that sounds weird) has/is going through the same thing. her husband allows his son to treat her anyway he pleases and always takes the son's side. my mother is very good to the entire family, she cooks specialty diet meals, grows most all of the veggies and herbs, and takes care of all medical appts and such, etc... It is a shame to say that after 5yrs of marriage this is the only thing that they fight over. i firmly believe as with any parenting and relationship, that both have to be on the same page and should never berate or undermine the other in front of children. I also had stepmothers and fathers and was a holy terror to them also. it is definately tough, good luck!!!!

Runrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrun for your life!

Whether you're a step-parent, or biological parents, you need to be on the same page. You don't correct or undermine the other in front of the kids. That's just a given! You need to let your fiance know that he is setting an example to his girls that they don't need to listen to you, and it's laying the groundwork for a lot of future problems. I have 3 grown kids and 1 17 year old left. And that's one thing when my ex-husband I were together, and even after we divorced 10 years ago, we NEVER corrected each other in front of the kids. You're the adults, and you need to put up a UNITED front! Once they realize that dad is going to back you, (even if he's not, he can talk to you behind closed doors, and have YOU change the rule, or the punishment or whatever), I guarantee things will turn around. They're young, and so are you. Good luck!!!

~L.~

I'd first like to commend you on taking on that responsibility. Now, I'd like to tell you that at 20 1/2 you are wayyyyyyyy too young to be saddled with being a step-mother to 3 children. It appears the way your fiance treats you both in front of his kids and without them that he doesn't respect you at all. Unless you want him to continue this behavior in front of the kids and for them to act out, I would break away from this situation until either he respects you more or you find someone that does.

I have had a similar situation, only I am the bilogical Mother. My ex was bad mouthing me and my new husband to the boys. They were mislead and fed lies about the divorce, then later told lies about my boyfriend now husband. It was a terrible and difficult transition. Their Dad's girlfriend was fed lies about me and at the same time was not given any respect by my ex as a step-parent. So, I feel as though the boys were disrespectful to her, which of couse reflected badly on me. It is a very difficult situation when the adults behave more like children. I would suggest honesty with the girls. I would sit down with them and tell them A) You remember how it felt when your Dad was involved with women other than your Mom and that you tried to make it difficult for them. 2) That you care about them and part of having love for a child having/making rules and getting/deserving respect. 3) If they love their Dad, they should show it by not making things difficult in the house but by trying to find ways for everyone to be happy.

I do not think that spankings are a good idea for any step- parent, as that is a fine line and can drive a wedge between you and kids. TIME OUT in a room such as the bathroom (no toys, etc)with time to think about whatever behavior has put them there. When they come out they should give you an apology for the behavior that put them there. 1 minute per year. OR have the child loose a priveledge for a day or a few hours. I try to use positive reinforcement when I am able to. If the behaviors improve, then a trip for ice cream or the play ground is a reward. Try making a sticker chart. Reward: kind words, respect and thoughtfulness, etc. Deduct points for whatever behavior you are trying to discourage. Kids love to get a star on their work at school or a compliment for a job well done. When I turned my focus on the good behavior, it started to out weigh the bad. If I notice my boys (7&8 now) playing nicly with out fighting, I would stop them and say "WOW- you boys are sure being nice to each other, that makes me proud of you!" I think I'll put a sticker on the chart. It helped, alot,

Explain to the children you are NOT trying to take place of their Mother and that you are not trying to take their Dad away, but that you want everyone to be able to be happy together. You could also try special time together. One on one. Even if it is just a 1/2 hour to do a craft or read a special story.

See if you can talk to your fiance about not siding with the kids in front of them and he should not YELL at you in front of them. Discussions about the kids should be done in private. He needs the girls to see that you are to be respected and that you a the MOTHER of the house. GOOD LUCK!

The ex needs to know that her behavior is damaging to the gilrs and that she is lucky to have someone that is caring and loving towards her children, because there are a lot of BAD step-parents out there. I hope my suggestions are helpful. I know I have had to worl at this myself with integrating my own children to bond with their step dad, as well as to insist that they respect the step-mom. Because, she is a big influenc in their lives, no matter how much time they spend with her.

Wow, that is a lot for you to take on at such a young age. I would step back and really ask yourself if this is what you want. IT will be a hard road if you stick with him, decide if this is the best for you and the girls. IF he is yelling at you in front of them, it will only get worse once you are married, a lot worse.
But if you do decide to stick it out, just love the girls, thats what they desperatley need from you, love.
Good Luck,
Katie
After thinking some more about your situation I realized he may be older than you. My husband is 15 years my senior and it is hard. He thinks of me as one of the kids, we have tried counsoling and it doesnt help this is just the box they put you in and you cant get out of it in his mind. I would get out while you can, enjoy your life you deserve someone who doesnt have kids, so that you could grow together as a couple before bringing your own kids into it. Marriage is hard and no matter how hard it is now it will be 10 fold harder once you say I do! Good Luck!

This sounds like a really bad situation for you, K., and probably for the girls, too. It's appropriate that your fiance should sympathize with his daughters and feel the need to protect them, but he needs to respect and support you too. This situation will probably only get harder and worse, especially if the mom doesn't want you in the picture. I think you should think hard about what you're getting into. You are so young! I would have to agree: move on!

First off, you have to see this from their point of view. They feel like you are taking their Daddy away from them because they now have to share him more and more with you. Also, you guys are taking them away from their mother and they see you as trying to replace her. I know that sounds harsh, but young kids see in black and white.

First off, make your fiancé be the "bad guy" whenever you can. Second, everyone sit down together and come up with house rules. That way when you have to reprimand them, you can blame it on the house rules. Third, talk to your fiancé and stress to him how important it is for him to never treat you anyway that would give the girls the option to take sides when they are looking. If he yells at you for something, then they automatically take his side and believe that they are supporting Daddy by not liking you. Their dad needs to have a talk with them about respecting everyone even if everyone else around is not. He can teach this lesson with the example of someone at school that is being made fun of and how that girl might feel if they join in to. He can then lead the story to his ex talking bad about you and them not jumping on the bandwagon. Lastly, I think it might benefit you guys for you to take a girls only date. Best would be a fun weekend away, but even dinner and a fun activity every so often would work. They need to come to see you as a friend. They are too old to ever consider you a mom, so friend with authority will have to be your role. You should also make them feel like they have a part in this upcoming wedding. Let them make some of the decisions about things that really don’t matter that much to you so they can feel like this is their wedding too. Take them to dress fittings and to get their hair done so they can feel included.

i too am dating a man with a 4 yr old daughter. i started out as a friend to his child..taking back seat and such. then when her dad and i moved in together i laid down some very basic rules. she now doesn't listen to her father very well, but does just as i say. the hard part here is your intendeds first priority is to his daughters - and not you. my question to you is do you really want to be a step mom at such a young age. i am sure that you are in love with this man, but the truth is, step parenting is hard and partially unrewarding work. my boyfriends daughter is smart and manipulative. she knows exactly what she wants and how to get it. i have decided that i don't want the step parenting role and i don't watch her alone nor do i discipline other than to say "i won't tolerate such and such in my house" period!
my heart goes out to you...it will be a hard decision no matter what you choose and right now i suggest you make your life all about you.
please write me back if you wish to talk further

You need to get your fiance to not correct or "discipline" you in front of the girls. By doing that, he is establishing that he is boss and they don't have to listen to anything you ever say. I think if you can get him to do that, a lot of things will be solved. You and your partner need to be on the same side of the field in order for the girls to even consider listening to you. If they think he controls you, they will not listen. You might suggest to him that if he has something he would like to say (or correct/whatever) that he pull you aside out of view and earshot of the girls before he says it. I don't know what kinds of things their mother is saying to them about you, but I would just do my best to ignore it (from them) and focus on showing them who you are and what you are really about...that way they can see for themselves. If you need to say something, I don't know how the lines of communication are, but you might try talking with her or with your husband. Good luck.

I have been a stepmom since my husbands son was 8, he is now 22. At first he(stepson) loved me, then his mom said bad things aboout me and he pulled back. You must never stop trying to love the kids. Their world has been torn apart and will never be the same. It will be especially hard if you and your husband have a child together.The stpekids will feel bad that the new child you created gets their dad full time. The kids should come first, and if you are already uncomfortable with how their dad handles them, it will not get better and you should not marry him.You have a long frustrating road ahead.My husband has always had "divorce guilt" which prevents him from disciplining his son.He is too nice and does not like conflict. It was a longhard struggle for all of us, and we made it through, but we still don't agree on how things should be handled. My only regret, is when my stepson pulled away, I pulled away too. I shouldn't have, I had a lot of good to contribute to his upbringing. I was always very nice and supportive to him regarding his mom, and in fact she and I became very good friends after a few years and still are. Step families are a lot of work, if you and your fiance can't agree now, it will not get better

I was 21 when I became a step mom. It was really hard for my husband because his ex was angry, hurtful and controlling, and I was insecure with the change and was asking a lot of questions and basically adding to his stress, and then being hurt when he didn't really want to talk about it.
It took me some time to figure it out, but my husband was trying to figure things out for himself too, and he was dealing with an ex and basically a sticky situation for all of us, let alone the child who was confused, and angry, and hurt.
Give yourself time, and give your husband some space. Don't rush the perfect family scenario. The children are hurting badly, and your husband has a lot of responsibility right now and needs to work it out in his head.
Forget about what the ex may or may not be saying about you, it's not about you, it's about the children, that was the only thing that helped me. Also, it IS very important that you and your husband are on the same page.If you don't know yourplace in your new family, follow your husband's lead. Right now you are all under a lot of stress and pressure, it will subside I promise. It has been 15 years now for me and my husband's ex and I are actually friends, we don't go out together or anything but we email. And we HATED eachother!
I love my husband, and I love his son, it was that simple, don't muddy up the water with all the other unimportant things. Also know it's perfectly natural to feel how you are feeling...just breathe, and go with the flow and it WILL work itself out, it just may take a while.

Hi K.,
I think you and your fiance need to talk about your relationship with each other,and how the kids are affecting it. You both have to fully trust each other in order for your relationship to work. If he does'nt trust you to disipline his kids, will he trust you to disipline the kids you may have together in the future? He needs to back you up, not degrade you in front of them. If he does'nt show you respect and compassion, they won't either. You may need to step back for awile and let him be a single father, and build a good relationship with his kids. Stay friends and just build a good sturdy friendship with him and his kids, and save the stepmom relationship for later when you have a better friendship with them all. Remember, this doesn't mean to give up and leave forever, this means to start working harder at something better that can be forever instead of short term heartache.

Hello, wow sounds like a tough situation! The best books I have found on understanding relationships and showing and teaching respect are "Positive Discipline" and "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk".
Please do not take offense at this but it seems to me that you are not being heard by your fiance. Even if he does not directly witness the attitude of his daughters towards you,the fact that you are upset should make it important enough to him to pay attention. If he is yelling at you that is a demonstration of disrespect.
I took parenting classes last fall and it helped me so much to see where I was being disrespectful and modeling that behavior to my daughter. good luck, A.

K.,

My dad married my step-mom when I was 4 years old and when I was younger my mom would say and do things to make me not like her. But my step-mom has always been a part of us girls' lives 100%. There are 5 girls in my family, my oldest sister was 16 when they got married and our step-mom was able to bond with us all. I consider her my mom now and would do anything for her. I think that it is important for you to be able to punish the girls, if you are with them when your fiance is not you have to be able to correct their behaviors. He needs to stand behind you and support you so the girls will see that you ARE a part of thier family. I think the main reason why my step-mom didn't have a hard time was because my dad made it clear that she was a parent and had rights to do what needed to be done. Have you ever thought about getting some alone time with each girl indivisualy? Maybe sit down with your fiance and talk to the girls, see how they really feel and what is going on. Even at their ages they can tell you their feelings. If the girls see their dad yelling at you it will teach them to disrespect you, which is not right. The best way is to show a united front to the girls. Do you offer to help them with homework or do any activies around the house with them? Try different ways to bond with them.

If he doesn't support you and take your side, AND he doesn't see that that is WRONG if a relationship is going to b any kind of "forever"--then girlfriend, the relationship is already not forever. Love doesn't change behavior, and only he can choose to change it. If he doesn't see it's wrong/unworkable as things are, he _won't_. (Have you heard the, "if only you would be different everything would be OK?" message yet, from him or the girls?)

He might say, the girls need to be my first priority. But he is modelling for them what they should expect from boyfriends/husbands.

I'm a SAHM of 4 little people, he left last year--I'm trying to be realistic here instead of bitter-sounding ... but you might want to talk to any divorced friends you have, who know you+him ... see what they "would have done differently" ... seriously, love isn't enough, without action, and action on only your part won't be enough either. You deserve a man who will LOVE YOU--you have a right to be loved and supported.

Sorry to be so depressing : (.

This may sound a bit harsh, but I believe you need to rethink joining this family. You have two little girls that are being used as pawns by their mother to disrupt your relationship with your husband and the girls, a fiance willing to go along with the sabotage by not believing you, or helping the two of you to find a workable solution, plus he's adding to the girls perception of you being 'bad' by yelling at you in front of them. I'm having a very hard time finding where any respect is being given. You may not like this either, but for goodness sake, you're only 20! That's a HUGE amount of responsibility to take on with no support from anyone, especially none from your fiance.

First thing he must be willing to support you. period. You and your fiance must agree on household rules and how discipline will work. At the min. he must agree for them to go to their room until he gets home to take care of it. If he can not trust you judgment with his kids then you have more problems comming than just this. If he has problems with the no's you give he does need to comunicate them behind closed doors. It is normal to disagree on the raising of children among all parents. Your job right now is not to raise them just to maintain your household. It needs to be safe and comfortable for all parties.
Is there a financial reason you work opposite hours? The increase of your watching the kids will just add more strain. That makes you a full time babysitter so you have 2 jobs, which is a little much for someone just being added to the family.

Hi, K., you are a wonderful person who loves the children and is willing to be their step-mother.
Would it help to have a parenting class, first with the father and you, then add the children.
Parents who combine families always have wrinkles to iron out, and it helps to iron out the problems of raising children between the parents and then you have a united front to offer the children and they can not play each of you against the other person.
It sounds like the kids want to please their mother and also their father and they want to blame you for all the upset in their lives right now.
Good luck, hang in there, and just take you time to have some private time to yourself to think and sort out problems and classes are offered at alot of public schools, and churches. Good Luck, P. B

Dear K.,
My heart goes out to you. Being a stepmom and blending a family is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I married a man that had 2 sons ages 8 and 12 and I had an 8 year old daughter. They all lived with us. I actually had a great relationship with my 2 stepsons. The tension came from the relationship between my daughter and her stepfather (my husband) I told the boys right from the beginning that I wasn't there to be their "mom" but more of a friend. (believe me I know you will need to be a mom figure if they are living with you but saying that seemed to take that fear away from them) The other thing is that I never diciplined them. Actually I did but not in a conventional way. You may laugh and think I'm shallow but I used bribery and cunning to get what I wanted. They didn't realize I was getting what I wanted either. I would say things like "if you do this for me I'll do this for you" or "I'll take you to the mall but first you have to .... clean your room or empty the dishwasher or what ever" They had to do dishes every night and I tried to make it fun for them like one would rinse, one would clear the table, one would wipe counters and sweep floor. During this time I hung out in the kitchen and helped but I also let them listen to "their" music as loud as they wanted. I would do things in the summer like squirt them with small water guns. I played with them lots! and the last bit of advice is "CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES". My theory was I didn't want them to die. So instead of nag about their rooms I focused on don't get into the car with anyone who has been drinking .... this of course was my mantra as they got older.

I am a firm believer in a "united front" meaning the parents (you and their father) need to be on the same page! If he doesn't respect you they won't! If he doesn't approve of anything you say or do he needs to tell you but in private away from little ears! Not even in the bedroom with the door closed. They can still hear. Go sit in the car if you have to.

Well, I wish you the best of luck! You have taken on a very large thankless job. Just remember how precious those little girls are. Focus on the positive and give yourself lots of "time outs".

Sandy

K.

You are too young to be the mother of these children even biologically. It's not easy to take over as a stepmother when the birth mother is living and would rather have custody.
The children also wish to have their own mother. That is normally the desire of all children to have their own mother love and care for them. You very likely also wanted the mother who birthed you.
You need to become better educated and learn a profession for an independent life.
If you fiance is yelling at you in front of the children he is undermining your position in the family. You are not getting any help from him.
Was he still with his wife when you met him? He is likely an abusive male who puts women down. This you don't need.
The relationship is unlikely to last so you might as well get out now and build a different kind of life for yourself which is really satisfying and will lead to a non-abusive relationship.

Being a stepparent is very hard. in some ways much harder than being a bio-parent.

My advise is very simple. Try to focus on being friends with the children, not a parent figure. Take them to the zoo, read books to them. Just positive stuff. Give them big hugs. If they misbehave, dont take it on (At ALL). Simple call their dad and have him handle it on a case by case basis. You can warn them that you'll call their dad. But make sure you and your fiancee agree on what behaviors warrant a phone call and make sure you both know the punishment he will give. Maybe in a few years, you can provide some disapline but honestly, the situation you are in right now is heading for disaster. So if you really want to save the relationship between you and your guy and his kids, then you guys need to agree on this stuff. -from an understanding stepmom

Honey, I have been exactly where you have, and I do feel every bit of your pain. I have been with my boyfriend for 14 years. When we got together, his son was four and a half, and his daughter was going on two. My son was one. When his daughter was younger, she liked me. I always treated them like my own. His son came to love me, and to this day, still calls me mom. On the other hand, his daughter changed. When she was about five, she began to act differently to me, saying very smart remarks, and not respecting anything I would say. I tried to go to her father, pleaded with him to listen. I would just ask him to talk with her. He would get very upset and tell me because she did not live with us, that it was her "special time" to visit with him, and he did not want to get upset with her. The situation continued to get worse. My boyfriend is black, and I am white. I was the first white person that he had ever been with, and apparently the kids' mother did not like that. Although the boy never disrespected me, the girl took every opportunity to. After many years, I decided that I loved him enough to continue trying, and I wanted out family to work as well. The breaking point came when we had mutual friends that were over, and they heard and saw what was happening. (She did most of her behavior when he was gone as well.) They told him, and then she started doing mean things to me in front of him. He finally realized what was happening, and took my side. I still have to use a tender touch with her because if she dosen't like something, she will run back to her mother and make stuff up, just so they will argue. I never disrespected the mother, but I have heard she has issues with my race, and the fact that our relationship lasted when theirs did not. I was 19 when I entered into this, and had many bumps along the road. Now, I am 33. I can finally say that I am the proud mother of not just one teen, but two others as well. I guess the love that me and my boyfriend have is what ultimately carried us through. My thoughts - make sure that whatever happens, keep your relationship intact. That will always be your home base, no matter how bad things get. Second, always remain consistant. If you have certain rules of the house, such as doing certain chores for each child, or keeping their room clean, then stand by them. Never argue with a child, for that is their ultimate weapon. Especially when they are "Daddy's little angels". Lastly, always take some time for yourself to get away and relax. Whether you take a walk during the day, go to the gym, take a hot bubble bath with a locked door, whatever. Sometimes the simplest time outs can help one keep their sainity in an insaine situation. If you truely feel that there will never be a chance for true resolution, then perhaps seek counsiling for learning to let go. I wish you luck, and happiness throughout your life. And know that you are not alone. I have come to understand what my stepmother went through, and I have learned that patients is a valuable tool. Good luck, and be true to your self.

Your post sounds like me a few years ago... I was 25 and had taken on 3 step kids in addition to my own son. My husband didn't believe that his kids were capable of the things they did to come between us.
There were two aspects to it... 1) My husband had to come to terms with it and he had to be the one to make some changes in order to fix it. The only thing that helped was counseling. It didn't require a lot of it, only a few visits with a counselor that told my husband that he needs to back me up in everything, even if he doesn't agree... and that we were to spend 15 min. each evening discussing anything that we disagreed with. However, we had to do it starting with "please" and ending with "thank you". It sounds corny, but it really did work... it's hard to sound negative and pissy when you're saying please and thank you!
2) We know for a fact that the evil egg donor (the bio mom that walked out on them 6 years prior and had been around maybe twice a year since) was telling our oldest that if she got rid of me, she could come back to my husband and they could be a happy family. My daughter had NO recognition of time between her mom leaving in 2000 and her dad and I meeting in 2004, so she believed her mom when she said that I was the reason for the divorce. She didn't realize that I was just a kid and didn't even know her dad at that time. Again, it took counseling.
None of this was extensive counseling... we saw changes within the first two weeks and stopped counseling after 4 months. Things are not great, but they are much, much better. It's been 2 years since we stopped the counseling... I would love to revisit it at some point and work on "where we are now" to iron out some wrinkles, but I no longer think to myself in private "I can't live with this".
Good luck.

K.~
Girl, that is a BIG decision for you to take on and I wish you all the prayers and comfort and luck in the world. I wish that I had something better to offer you, having come from a split family (although I was considerably older) mom remarried and then dad remarried, I have to admit that I do make it hard on my mom's husband. They were the first remarried, and other factors. Don't let the girls "walk all over you", but don't be so tight that they grow to resent you. Pick and choose your battles with them and hopefully things will turn out a bit better. Because you are being made out to be the "bad" mom, they will believe it if you act like it. Support and love them and hopefully they will come around and see that you are not the "bad" mom that they are being lead to believe. It's not going to happen over night, so be prepared for a long road. It would be nice if your fiance would be more supportive of you and let the girl know that what you say goes, and that they need to respect your grounds if they are to remain in your household.
Good Luck!
T. S.

Hi K.,
I am so sorry to hear that things are not going so well with your family right now. I can not say I relate to your situation because I am not a step mom. But two of my children do have a step mom. Luckily her and I are able to get along willingly as well as their father and I. This only is possible though because we show respect to each other at all times and we provide a united front with all the kids. We have set clear rules and clear standards that all four parents support. I will offer this advice though. The most important thing I think is the respect in the family. You have to be respected no matter what role it is your taking on within the family. Your fiance though has to show you respect before you can ask the kids to. If they see him yelling at you and defending them when your expressing your frustrations or feelings or whatever it is your trying to talk about with him they are gonna figure out that they can easily manipulate the two of you and that if dad treats you that way that it is ok for them to as well. Kids are very smart as you already know. You and your fiance have to find a way to communicate in front of the kids at least that shows them a united front. Then you can work on getting them to see the real you and your good intentions which they will upon time even if the mother is telling them awful things about you. As long as you are doing your best, providing the love and the nurturing that the girls both need and deserve they will feel it and realise your true intentions. It may take a while but like I previously stated kids are smart. Your fiance is gonna have to also learn or realise that his kids are not perfect and that by babying them or over protecting them he is not doing them any good. It is understandable that he would want to do all he can to make them happy so that they will want to live with him but he is teaching them a destructive lesson. By doing what he is doing if this is what he is doing he is only teaching the kids how to manipulate and one day it will bite him in the butt. If I were you I would sit him down when you don't have the kids and just give him the facts. If he doesn't hear them or doesn't want to or isn't willing to do anything about the situation then I would have to really think about what is in store in the future and if I would be willing to accept it. No one deserves to be disrespected and no ones feelings aren't worth being heard and acknowledged. You can't make some one hear you if they don't want to. I really do hope that everything works out for you. Good luck.

I understand what you are going through. You need to seriously sit down with their dad (alone) and create some rules. 1) He doesn't yell at you in front of the kids. 2) You need to be allowed to discipline -timeouts, etc. when necessary. You need to become a united front. If he is unwilling to do this, I suggest you break off the engagement. I know it seems harsh, but your life will be miserable if you don't. I realize you love the girls, but you will lose all self-respect if you stay where you are not respected (by him or the girls). You are more than a baby sitter. I also caution you from saying anythng bad about their mom. Just think what it would be like for your kids you have together, if he yells at you in front of them. The two of you need to speak privately if there is an issue between you.
I wouldn't recommend loosening up on the rules either. Perhaps create a "date" with them for good behavior. You want them to respect the rules, but you also want to build a relationship with them.
When I started dating my husband, my now step-daughter told me that her mom hated me. I said, "If she actually met me she might change her mind." I was trying to let her see how unreasonable it was, but was not being unkind towards her mother.
I wish you all the luck in the world. You're going to need it. - 43 year old step-mom who would not do it again.

You're in a really tough spot. I was once there with a 5 and 7 yr old (both girls) and like your fiance, mine also filed for custody.

My 5 yr old once said to me, point blank, when I asked her to pick up her clothes, "You're not my mother!" It was a great opportunity to reply, "No, you're right. I'm not. You still have to pick up your clothes." All kids need to mind adults as long as they are not being abused, and I just saw myself (in that regard) like any other adult in their lives -- teacher, librarian, doctor, etc. etc.

The other thing I did for a while was let their father do ALL parenting, including discipline, having them do their bedtime routine, etc. etc. Sometimes I was included, but only for reading a story or something like that. If they were acting in a way that was unbearable for me, I either left, or if I was caring for them, I told them we'd discuss it with dad when he got home. He always backed me up and that made a HUGE difference.

Mom did say bad things about me. I didn't press for details and tried hard to act like I didn't care and it didn't matter. Kids have a hard time with loyalties and there is no way to win that one as a step parent.

Wow. You have taken on alot. I was in a relationship once, where I was the weekend "step-mom", and it didn't work for me at all. I know, however, that there are many books on the subject. But, you are so young!! Are you sure this is the man you want to be in a loving, respectful, growing relationship with? One of the basic rules of parenting, is you don't yell at the other parent (in this case, step-parent) in front of the kids. You are put in a no-win, no-respect situation. You can either educate yourself/get counseling etc re: healthy step-parenting, or you can re-consider your comittment. There are so many possibilities for you in life, just make sure you are taking care of YOURSELF.Good luck!

First I would say that you need to talk to your fiance about being a bonded front in front of the kids. I have a 16 year old for a step-son and we share his visits every other week with his mom. My husband and I agreed that we would not argue in front him. And if one of us disagrees with the other on what is said to the boy we discuss that off line so we can come back and discuss further with him on an agreed approach. I feel that the more the kids see you both on the same page they will treat you more with respect whether Dad is around or not. I realize that it is hard to do being so young but you are the parennt so you need to be patient with the kids because they are being pulled different directions.

I'm sorry to say that I think you should run, not walk away from this relationship. If this were a first marriage/relationship for the two of you, you would already be looking at a whopping 85% divorce rate just based on your youth. When you add stepchildren into the mix, the divorce rate goes up considerably. Is it possible this could be the relationship that goes the distance? Anything is possible. But it's not likely.

The warning signs are screaming at you to get out of this relationship. The girls will always resent you (especially if their mother is egging them on, which she will ALWAYS do) and I just don't think there will be anything you can realistically do to change that. Girls are tough to raise even when you are their real mother. You are already seeing how their dad takes their side. (And as much as I'm sure he loves you, his daughters MUST come first in his heart and his life. Will you be content playing the second fiddle?) If and when you and he have children, it is likely that his girls will behave even more harshly to you.

As I said. Anything is possible, but you are so young. You have your entire life ahead of you. Marriage is like an "as is" purchase. It is as good as it's going to get at the time you say "I do." Too many women make a HUGE mistake in thinking that things will get better and/or thinking that they will "change" their man after they get married. It doesn't happen. If you can't look at him and this situation and think that THIS is what you want for the rest of your life, you should pack up and move out. (And if THIS IS what you want for yourself, you really should consider therapy - because I don't even know you and I think you deserve much more out of life!) Date your fiance outside of the presence of the girls for a couple of years to see if things get better, but for God's sake don't get married yet. Give yourself a chance to be happy - and consider the fact that you almost definitely deserve to be the absolute center of some man's universe . . . not a live-in nanny who can be shouted at in front of his children.

Hi K.,

I am 34 and for the past 7 years, I have been a step-parent. I am not trying to discourage you and every person's experience is different, but I can say that this will be one of the most challenging roles that you can take on in your life. I love my husband and he is a wonderful man and father. I also have been lucky to have come in to a situation where there has been few issues with the biological mom (we have shared joint custody) and we all(she is remarried also) get along well. This role has been so difficult and there have been so many times that I honestly didn't think I could make it....there are so many things that come up that you never expect ...and we did premarital counseling,family counseling, couples counseling, individual counseling, I read all the books, etc. and it still has been incredibly difficult. What I highly recommend is go get as many books on step-parenting as possible...libraries are good if you can't afford to buy them. Counseling (individual, couples, family...whatever) is at the top of my list of what any prospective step parent should do. Marriage is a wonderful thing, but it also takes alot of hard work no matter what and adding children is definately something that will strain any relationship. Your fiancee should be learning about his role as well in a blended family by reading, going to counseling etc. I fully believe in getting married for life and I'm sure you are getting into this feeling the same. In order for that to work...you're going to have to start now. Blended families can be true families, but it is a huge adjustment for all and usually takes years for everyone to truely feel like they are a family. I know I am just finally feeling like we are meshing well. Everyone brings their own feelings about things into the marriage and even though for instance the children feel unhappy about the break up of their parents marriage (rightly so), many take those feelings out on the step parent since that is the safest person on whom to do so. The biological father may have feelings of guilt that come out in overindulging the children and/or always feeling the need to protect the children from you even when you are right. As the step parent (especially when you have never had any of your own prior like me) I had a very distinct way of thinking children should act and I was probably tougher on the kids than I would have been if I had given birth to them myself since I had never experienced parenthood. I know I have relaxed alot since becoming a parent. I hope this helps and I wish you the best!
M.

K., your are taking on one of the most difficult jobs without having any training or experience. None of us are born knowing what our children need or how to provide it. I sympathize with you.

I was a step-mother for a few years when I was in my late forties. His father would agree on rules. Then he would not back me up when I enforced them. And he wouldn't enforce them either. I became the fall guy. I'm single once more.

I've done quite a bit of reading about being a step-mother. One of the requirements for success is that the father tell the children that these are the rules and consequences and that he has given you the authority to enforce them when he's gone. And when he's there he is the one to enforce them. The step-mother stays out of it even if it means leaving the house. The disagreements between the father and step-mother are handled out of the sight and hearing of the children.

If you want to remain in this family, the first priority is to develop good communication between you and your finace. Parents do need to present a united front to the kids. Otherwise they feel insecure and these kids are already feeling very insecure with their parents fighting over them.

I hear that you have become sensitive to what the girl's think and say. That is understandable but you need to deal with your own insecurites and not allow your feelings to affect the way you treat the children. This was extremely difficult for me. It has taken me years to be able to keep my cool when it feels like the world is falling down around me. It is important that the children see calm confidence and an even hand from both of their parents.

My husband and I worked on this in counseling for 3 years before I left. We couldn't work at parenting together. And we didn't have the complication of a birth mother. His wife had died.

Therefore I recommend that you both get into counseling soon. If he won't go, you go and work on yourself so that you can feel more secure and self-confident.

I will give you some pointers from my experience. My granddaughter is 7 and her brother is 4. The first word is nearly always no. They are getting better at co-operation but it's been difficult work my daughter. She is involved with a parenting coach because the 4 yo is developmentally delayed. She's learned new, more effective ways of having rules, giving positive reinforcement and disciplining. She has lightened up considerably. She's learned how to not take much that the children do and say personally. She puts more humor into her relationship with her kids and herself. When she's more tired than usual, she often reverts back to the old ways, ordering her kids to do such and such and then getting angry when they don't do it as fast as she wanted.

In parenting books or classes you will learn different ways of directing the girl's that will lessen the opportunity to say no. And learn how to use humor to lighten up the situation so that it's less likely that anyone will get angry.

They will still say no and I've found that for me the best way of handling it is to ignore the no and continue as if they're going to do it. No one wins in an argument over no. They may need some help both with getting started and with sticking to it until it's done. They are just now learning how to focus and complete tasks while in a tense enviroment.

One "rule" is to always give more praise than criticism. That works with adults too. Both you and the girls need lots of positive reinforcement. Reading and taking parenting classes will help. I don't see how you can succeed without quickly learning a whole bunch.

These girls are young and you said that "they used to listen to you well." What's happening now is that "the honeymoon" is over between you and the girls. I adopted my daughter and learned much about the "honeymoon" period. Now you're down to the reality of caring for 2 girls who are facing serious, life changing events in their lives. They don't have skills to deal with what is happening. They are hurting, confused, scared, and insecure. And you are too.

It's up to you to show them how to handle this situation gracefully. It means that you don't react negatively (with anger and blaming) to your boyfriend and the girls. It means that you and your boyfriend are mature enough to not criticize or fight in front of the girls. It means that you are sympathetic and compassionate with the girls instead of feeling that they disrespect you.

To do this you need confidence and security yourself. I cannot tell you how to do that. I've worked on that for decades, gradually gaining in both. I know that having your boyfriends support would help. I'm guessing he's also feeling the stress and reacting with anger towards you and sympathy to his girls, perhaps because he feels guilty. COUNSELLING!!!!

Have you discussed with your boyfriend how he wants his girls disciplined and what the rules are? I wonder if things get out of control because you both get angry. Anger is a normal reaction to not knowing what's going on. You both need to agree on how to parent.

I would hazard a guess that he may be reacting to hearing you yell at the girls and put them down. I have been angry when someone tells me that they don't respect my daughter and grandchildren. My mother did not respect my daughter and now my brother gets easily upset with my grandchildren. At first I tried to get them to understand what was going on with the child. That resulted in fights. Now I'm sympathetic with my brother. I acknowledge that they are wild at times and agree that must be difficult for him. He says that they are out of control but I no longer say that their behavior is normal.

What I'm saying is that you and your boyfriend need to find a way to show your love again. Perhaps you can start by not complaining to him about the kids and tell him you'll leave the discipline up to him when he's home and then stay out of his relationship with the girls. That's very difficult to do. COUNSELLING!!!!

K., as I type this I become more and more aware of how impossible is the job you've taken on. Please relax and know that it will turn out for the best, no matter how it turns out. And give those girls lots of love and support even when they can't give it back to you. They will eventually come around.

Choose 3-4 important rules with your boyfriend and plan a consequence if they're not kept. Make these rules ones that affect welfare and safety. For example: Never hit, kick, bite someone else; never call anyone a name etc. Make the rules based on the difficulties you're having now. You will add more rules later but start simple. Write these down and post them where the girls can see them and you can explain them in a calm way.

Then decide on ways that you can reward them for good behavior. Write that plan down. Perhaps a sticker chart would work.

Then you praise them every chance you get. My daughter said that she felt bad because I never said, "I'm proud of you!" I say it at least once every time I see her now.

Relax as much as you can. Play with the girls. Have them help you do things. Both of my grandchildren have begged to mop the floor since they were three. Needless to say I haven't let them do that yet. But I have given them a rag so that they could wipe up the heavily soiled areas before I mopped. I poured water on the spots first.

Both kids love to wash dishes. They wash the same dish over and over. I've learned to put the soap away or we'll have a sink overflowing with bubbles.

They help with the laundry by putting the clothes that I hand them into the washer.

They sweep, run the vacuum, pick up toys as they work along side of me. I've finally learned with my grandchildren that a very neat house is counterproductive to happiness for all of us. My daughter is a neatnik like I was with her. She still has to learn that you can never have a neat house with kids around and so she frequently feels anxious about her house.

I agree with the mother who said that having both of you work different shifts makes the situation more difficult. The girls' father needs to spend time with all of you so that you can learn to work together. And if one of you is on nights that person will be more irritable than the one who sleeps nights. When does the night worker get sleep? When can the two of you spend couple time to recharge the relationship?

I've worked all three shift at various times and I couldn't have done it if I'd had children at the time. Shift work takes a lot out of you.

I've nearly written a book here. Take what is helpful and put the rest aside for another time.
My prayers are with you.

SuperNanny on TV has helped me alot. She also has a couple of books out.

After reading another mother's comment about using the bathroom as a time out, DO NOT USE THE BATHROOM! There are too many things in the bathroom that the kids can use to hurt themselves or the bathroom. One never knows how an angry child will react. My daughter ran into the bathroom and locked the door when she was angry with me when she was around 9. She broke things by throwing them in the tub and then used the glass to scrape paint off the door. She had a few superficial cuts before we were able to break into the room. I took the lock off the door.

SuperNanny recommends a quiet and remote part of a room or in the hall. She puts down a carpet sample and requires the child to stay on the sample. The parent should't react with the child or obviously watch him but if the child gets off the carpet sample she/he puts him/her back on it. OVer and over unti the child stays the alloted time. And the parent has to do this while maintaining control of their own emotions. The parent does have emotions but maintains control by not yelling at the child, making threats, or calling names. If at all possible the parent should say nothing. When I watch the program I see the parent tense up holding in their frustration and anger. They do eventually have success and finally there is not fight. It's consistency that creates success.

Ok that is the problem right there. Mom saying bad things to them and dad yelling at you infront of them.

Point blank before things get worse and children develop some very disturbing behavior problems i highly suggest counceling for the family..<hint> for dad and child but dont allow them to know thats your plan. Dont hide it. Explain what they both are doing to the councelour. Because all its doing is sabatasing you to have a great relationship with the kids.

Second of all its documented through a councelours office of what moms doing and the paperwork can be taken to court for custody proceedings =)

Happy Valentines Day

I know how you feel but in a different way...one of my sister-in-laws used to treat me very badly when my husband was not around but as soon as he stepped into the room her whole attitude changed even the tone in her voice. He didn't believe me until one day, he walked in very quietly and she didn't know he was there.
my advice to you is to get a small video camera I think they are called a baby cam and record your day, then after the children go to bed show the tape to your finance. That should open his eyes.

HI K., I read what you are going through and I have to tell you my heart breaks that your having to deal with this. I am a step mom for 14 years now. And all I can truley tell you was that it was the hardest part of my marriage. I struggled through some of the same things myself. Its going to take alot of patience and respect from your fiancee and yourself to make this work. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone and if you need to talk about it, please feel free to drop a line.

please, get a couselor you all like, and go on a regular basis. i was step mom and fiance type step mom to 3 sets of kids. the first set, 3 girls 1 hated me(the middle child) and the other 2 loved me. the 2nd set of step kids, the 6 yr old son was challenging, wouldn't listen to me. then one day, we had a breakthrough when instead of punishing, i held him for a long time, and just let him talk. and he went on and on, sobbing. he missed his mom, no matter how & what she was doing. the 3rd set im happily married to their dad still, the 2 younger ones (teens when we married) hated me because i was just there taking time from dad. they were so mean, it's hurtful to think back about it. often dad took their side. i stayed though. we've been so happy and in love it's worth it. but if you are going to stick it out, get counseling so your family unit can lay some ground rules and the kids should be part of it. dad too. if he wants it to work, he needs to include you as a solid and to be respected part of the fmly unit. even with punishment because he won't always be around for incidences when they may need it. it's not good to save it for dad. his coming home should be fun and exciting, not to be dreaded for getting in trouble. it's hard and frightening times for the kids. they oftn don't know how to react and what to do with their feelings. good luck.

It is sad that with all these red flags you still want you to persue this relationship. His children will always come first as they should. You seem like a smart girl but very young. He should raise his family and you should find a man that will take care of you and then think about raising your own children together. Just think how these girls are going to react once you have a child with this man. They may resent you more. It's not these girls' fault that their life has been turned upside down being split between a mother and father they must both love. Sorry if my responce seems harsh, I just think you can make such a better life for yourself.

I am a step mother of two boys. My husband and I have been married for 6 years and it hasn't been easy being a step mother. Basically being the "babysitter". Is he paying you to watch his children while he is away? (That is how I feel sometimes)
Do you love your fiance? Does he love you enough to put you FIRST in his life after you are married? Please look at your life now. Do you think it will change when you get married? It won't if you and your fiance don't communicate openly about what is going on. A part of communcation is listening. Are you both listening to each other.
Please make sure you aren't together for the wrong reasons when you could be alone for the right. You are very young and yes, at 20 we think we know it all. You are getting a lot of advice from a lot of people that you need to consider and think about. But the one you need to truly remember is you need to love yourself and do what you heart tells you.