Dealing with Step Mom

I AM a stepmom, so maybe I can help.

Blended families aren't easy. Boy, they can be hard! And It's so hard to have another mother-figure in your daughter's life.

As far as being a stepmom, the level of involvement depends on the agreements you make with your ex, and how much time your daughter spends at your ex's house. Also, communication has to be REALLY good.

I understand her wanting to help on her side when your daughter is with her. She is not your daughter's mom, but she is an adult figure at that house. I would NOT like if if I could not discipline a child in my own house, and it would make my husband feel very alone if he had to do everything. So I can understand that, provided that the discipline she uses is agreed upon by you all. For example, I take away the TV if my stepdaughter is not behaving, but I would never touch her even though my husband does do spankings.

As for the party, I could understand if she wanted to help throw a party on her weekend with her made up of your husbands relatives and perhaps her own and maybe some friends that your daughter knows that live near there. We do that.

BUT, she should not throw the main party, and of course should consult you first, especially if it's YOUR weekend with her and definitely should take a back seat if you're planning one party all together.

As a stepmom I do not consult the mom on every little thing I do, and it would be impossible to run the house and never do or say anything to discipline or encourage the child. If we decided to take her to the zoo on our weekend, do we need to call the mom and ask? Of course not. Do you consult the dad on every little thing?

It sounds like you just need to have a talk with your ex, no stepmom involved. Your daughter will have to get used to two sets of rules should they differ. 9pm may be too late for phone calls at your house, but 8pm may be the stepmom's rules. That's just how it's going to be.

The stepmom needs to learn her boundaries (and give her a little time to get used to it because it IS hard. Stepmoms want to play their small role in the child's life) but you also may need to let some things go. Your daughter has TWO women in her life. You will always be the mom, but the stepmom can be a friend too.

Hi T.,

I'm not a stepmom nor do I have to deal with a stepmom from my ex, but I am divorced and something in your letter stuck out at me. You said you consult your ex on everything, including things like haircuts and clothes. You're very thoughtful to make him such a huge part of the pieces of his daughter's life he's not in on - the day to day things - but by doing so you've also set up a perceived dependence on him. I could see where the stepmom, having no real idea of the history of your ex's life with his daughter before she was in the picture, could pick up on this dependence as meaning you can't make a decision. The thing is, I know you can, and you know you can, but if you talk to him about how late is too late to take phone calls, or what she should be wearing, that could appear to someone on the outside - which the stepmom is - that you have difficulty taking control, so she's taking it - or rather, encouraging him to.

I do think divorced parents should consult with each other on the big things, like problems with grades, medical issues, or costs they will have to split, but when it comes to the day to day things, the custodial parent needs to make those decisions alone. Could you be involving your ex so much because you want him to know the rules so your daughter will have a seamless transition from one house to the other? Standing in those shoes, with an ex whose household rules are very different from mine, sometimes, you have to bite the bullet (and your tongue) and let it go. If you're divorced there were obvious things that couldn't be agreed on, so we shouldn't expect the person who wouldn't work with us to save a marriage, to have the same rules in their house as we have in ours.

Personally, I'd stop consulting your ex on so much of your daughter's life. Leave it to the big decisions or the ones that affect him too, and take care of the rest, as you have been, on your own. Maybe that will send a clear message to the stepmom that you're very capable and she won't feel as if she has the right to insert herself as strongly into your daughter's life.

I am completely with you on not scheduling events on your weekend without prior agreement. Beyond that, I guess I'm lost in the details. When you daughter is with her father and step-mother, the step-mother is an authority figure. She is entitled to set house rules and plan activities, and unless that's harmful to your daughter in some way, I'm really not sure what the objection is. It appears that at stepmom's encouragement, Dad is now more of a figure in your daughter's life. I would think that would be a good thing for your daughter, but I'm sure the adjustment for you is difficult.

It is great that your ex and his wife want to be more involved in your daughters life. I do agree that planning the party on your weekend was wrong for them. I would tell them that next time, if you are not having a joint party, that they do it on their weekend and you can have your own party for her and her friends and family. If you don't want to have your own party, then you should not complain if they plan a birthday party for her as long as it is on their weekend.

The stepmother should be disciplining your daughter when she is in her presence, as well as your ex. She is her stepmother and a part of your daughters life, you need to let go of your issues and have a united effort involving you, your ex, and his wife. I am sure that if you were remarried you would want your husband to be an important and respected figure in her life. I think you may be too concerned about too many things with your daughter and what needs to be discussed with her father and stepmom. Some of them seem to be pretty unimportant, or not things that you should be focusing so much attention on. You are responsible for your daughter when she is with you, and they are responsible for your daughter when she is with them. This includes, discipline, feeding, clothing, hygiene, rules and boundaries, interacting and being involved such as going to the movies or sports events, keeping her safe, providing a loving nurturing environment, etc. Ultimately what goes on when she is with them is not your concern unless she is put in a dangerous situation or is being abused. You should be happy that your ex consults with you as much as he does. Also try and remember to think of it as what is best for your daughter. It has nothing to do with you. It sounds to me like your ex is more involved than he was and this is a great thing!! Also you should be happy that the stepmother cares so much about your daughter and wants to be as involved in her life as she can. This is a great thing! It sounds like you have some boundary and control issues that you could work on, maybe speak to a clinician.

Hi T., I, too, am a stepmom...I understand how you feel...it's always so hard to let go...your daughter has the best of two worlds...you really should not worry about things that go on with her when she's with her father and stepmom, because if it is a positive thing, you know she is not being harmed by it...your daughter knows who her real mom is, and that is you...your daughter is so blessed that she has her dad, you and a stepmom in her life...now, I consider myself blessed, because my husbands children are all married and I am invited to every function where all the families are together...I'm just a stepmom, but to my grandchildren, I'm Grandma...as you well know, time goes on and life as you know it now, will change...savor every moment while you have your daughter with you, and welcome the brief time away from her as a time for yourself..to catch up on taking care of yourself. Best regards, Jo

I am on all sides of this fence. I get along with my husbands ex... ok, and I have gotten along with MY ex's significate others. Now to play devil's advocate, it might have been an accident on what weekend the party was planned for. My ex/ my husband's ex rarely have parties that involve each other or the other's family. We have usually schedule things so that we don't have the other's family there. If my ex want's his family there then he takes care of his party, and my husband's ex takes care of her party. The kids usually get 2 parties for birthdays. Now that our kids are older my daughter will have 1 graduation party that I will invite my ex's family to.

As for the consulting on everything... That just sounds crazy to me. The big stuff like curfew and school, I can see talking to him about that. BUT if you are the custodial parent then you are the one that spends the most time with her and you just need to make those determinations. The SM will make your ex, step up a little bit, but she will have her own expectations of house rules and you won't get to make those. Everyone parents differently, and like it or not she is in a parenting role now. She doesn't have the same rights as you do, but she does have the rights that her husband... your ex, gives her. Ask them if they are wanting to do separate parties, and give them the info on what your house rules are and in return ask them what they have for house rules. If you can keep those similar than your daughter won't be bouncing with the different rules and you won't have to hear "Well, when I'm at dad's they let me..." But in the end.. you parent your daughter the best that you can and expect them to parent her the best they can. As long as she isn't in danger or doing anything immorral go with the flow. If she's doing something that you really are against then bring that to their attention. But remember 2 houses, 2 sets of rules and lives. Good luck the blending of families can be challenging sometimes.

To be honest, I agree with you about the party. I have been a step mom for 11 years. Now my step daughter is grown, but I NEVER tried to be "the mom" (she has one she loves)even if I do not agree with choices the mom has made. I am always open and loving and have a great relationship with my step d. We talk alot when we see each other... which is not too often now (college, work, friends, and she lives in WI) but we do enjoy her visits!
Your husbands wife obviously wears the pants in his family.
It is your HUSBANDS responsibility to do MAJOR disipline. If your daughter does something that requires Instant intervention, well, the step mom does need to come up to the plate. In my instances, I would let her know what she did was wrong and let my husband (her Dad) do the major disiplining. Nothing "major" has happened when she was with JUST me. If she lied or did somthing wrong, I did scold her and if needed give a time out, or the phone or computer taken away, etc. that was agreed on by my husband and I ahead of time. Her mom would let us know of issues she had if they were major and we needed to keep our eyes open.
One time I did call her Mom when I could not get my hubby at work and I needed to know NOW if her phone calls to somebody were the ones not allowed. And her Mom was more than happy to help.
However, be careful with addressing issues. It can cause world war 3, (has happened here) and will put more stress on your daughter than anybody. Its sounds to me like the step mom is being manipulitive by planning parties without you on YOUR weekend. I am not saying it was done delibrately, but that can be the case. (I am sure she owns a Calandar). She should ask to switch weekends or consult you when somthing is on YOUR time.
She knows you comply with what she does because you are a good Mom, and do not want to make things difficult for anybody. but she has crossed a line with that party thing on your weekend.
She has the right to plan a party without you if she chooses (how "united" is that? She should do whatever is best for your daughter, and I am sure your daughter would have liked you to have been more of a part of it)but if she wants to do so, it should be on THEIR weekend not yours.
We have had separate parties for My step D with my Hubbies fam, as they were not invited to her moms parties.(WE now are invited, just in the last year, but she is 18 and that was my step D's choice) Actually it was always on our time with her, and we did not ask, we just told her Mom what we were doing. It really was not an issue and I am sure my step D liked having 2 parties:)
Maybe you talk to your husband about bondries with your weekends. Hopefully he will listen and take what you say to heart. It is hard. If he does not wish to comply, then you need to maybe talk to the step mom. I hope and pray that all goes well for you.
I truly feel for you and hang in there! You are being a wonderful Mom by putting your daughter first. I hope this helped some... It is wonderful that she is so loved by all of you:-)

Dear T.-
I don't mean to be harsh here, but the reality is that divorce stinks for a million reasons, and this is one of them. Now that your daughter has two families, she has been put in a position to obey several authority figures. You are mistaken if you believe that the stepmom has no "rights" or authority over your child. While your daughter is in her home, she has the right to do as she sees best. As long as the stepmom in question is not asking/influencing your daughter to do something that you feel is immoral, you really don't have the right or authority to impose your way or your will. As for the party plans, I heartily agree that it was insensitive at best, (and down right mean at worst!) but now that it's done, try to find a way to go along and try to overlook it, for the sake of your daughter. I truly apologise if I've offended you- that is not my intent- but it sounds like you need more people in your life to tell you the truth, not merely what is comforting in the moment.

Wow-wee! Not how I thought your letter was going to go. You say you get along rather well with her. That is a good thing for your daughter's sake. And it is a good thing to have her dad so involved in her life. No, she is NOT the mom. And, no, you don't have to keep feeling like you have to be buddy-buddy with her. But, yes, you have to get along otherwise your daughter will become the pawn between two households.

Now, as far as the other stuff, so long as the "father" encourages his wife to be that involved in his child's life, it is going to continue to be you vs. them, especially if they have joint custody. However, on certain issues, you can work to be on the same page.

Can you sit down with ONLY DAD and try and put together a list of do's and don'ts for both of you, to include topics such as: my week-ends/your week-ends-any change to that schedule needs to be agreed, event planning for daughter, appropriate attire and make-up wear, health issues, including eye-wear, etc.. Some of the other issues that you mentioned really and sadly do fall under their category, when under their jurastiction (i.e. rules and discipline in their home including bedtime) Be careful how you approach this with your Ex. or it could come off that you are "just being jealous". Stick to the facts. You won't be able to change the situation of her authority and she will resent that you want to because, in her eyes, it is THEIR HOME that she welcomes HIS & YOUR DAUGHTER. Also, step-mom won't care if dad rarely took part in his daughter's life before - she just sees the present and that is that daddy is stepping up to the plate and doing his part. And you don't want to pit your daughter up against them either. I'm sure she is smart and wise to the situation - in her life, I'm sure you are still the #1 parent!

And, really, you don't need to keep him informed about all the little details of your daughter's life. It's nice that you do that but not really necessary. (i.e. cutting her bangs)

Your daughter needs you - this is a hard, confusing age (I have a daughter the same age!) There is a lot of room for all of you but to make it work, there have to be better boundaries set. Hopefully things will get better very soon.

As far as making decisions that affect you like curfew, bedtime, etc., I think that it is absolutely reasonable to ask that they consider you as those things affect you as well. And, although it stinks, if the reality is that the stepmom is running the house, it will cut out the middle man a lot to talk to her rather than have your ex translate between the two of you. I think during a calm conversation, she would understand that you need to be involved with those things/decisions that affect your daughter's life at your house. I think it's understandable that your feelings are hurt because of the party and this may be coloring your opinion of the whole situation. However, my spouse came from a home with (several) step parents and my first impression when hearing your story was how NICE it is that the stepmom is treating your daughter as her own (but of course she's not). The situation could be a lot worse than having a lot of love to go around. I'd try to have as calm a conversation about boundaries that both families can live with and enjoy throwing your own party for your daughter.

It is so frustrating to deal try to work with multiple sets of parents. Each parent has their own ideas about what is happening and what they would like to see happening. Even when all the parents have the child's best interest at heart, it can cause conflict and stress for the child. There are seperate issues here. As far as the party goes, you should talk to your ex about the fact that is was scheduled on your weekend and your feelings, but in NO WAY AT ALL should your daughter be involved in these discussions. My step-daughter's mother gets so involved in her own feelings that she forgets that her child is not equipped to deal w/adult conversations and reasoning as to what is "fair" or what is best.

The issue of the stepmom disciplining your daughter is a completely different situation. As her parent, the stepmom needs to be allowed to care for and discipline the child. The other parents cannot belittle the relationship or treat the stepmom as a second class parent. Step-parents are equally as important in the child's life and development and when you infer that the step-parent has no authority and you don't give respect to the step-parent you are undermining the values that you have tried to teach your children about respect their whole lives.

You mentioned that the father wasnt really involved before step mom was in the picture. My ex did that when he met a new girl. took my son places and wanted him only nights that she was involved...that worked until i caught on to him. well they ended up getting married and having a child within a year of them meeting. now they are divorced. His father stopped coming around and calling to see him right after they were married, then it seemed like he didn't exist to him. This isn't really part of your question, but beware if he is being nice to impress another person. i hope things work out for the better!
D.

I understand everything you are feeling. My son has a step mom now. The difference for me is that my ex husband is in kuwait so I am having to deal with the stepmom. I did not have a problem with her till I found out that the cloths I had bought for my son that my son would wear over there was getting thrown away and that I would never get them back. she has lost my sons shot reconds and S.S. Card. A few months ago right after my ex left for kuwait she had my son and she went to a friends house with my son. I ended up getting a phone call at work that she was rushing my son to the E.R. because her friends dog bit my son. when I rushed over there my son was bleeding from the neck, chin and eyebrow. she told me she was inside talking and the dog bit my son. My son had to get 4 stitchs on his neck and the doctor said if it was just a millimetter deeper he would have bleed to death. I take this very serious and I was very concerned about my son because of all that and now because he had to take rabies meds. When the doctor asked who was taking him home I told him I was. when she legally was supose to have him for another night. I was very concerned about my sons safty so I took him home. As I was walking out to my car she got in my face and followed me to the car harrasing me and telling me she was going to call the cops on me and that my son was fine. This got me very upset so I turned around told her go ahead call the cops on me because my son is not okay he just had 4 stitchs in his neck because she was not watching him and to leave me alone. an hour I got home the cops showed up with her and told me I had to give him to her the next day. This was very upseting to me. She has my son every friday night till sunday night. Every weekend!!!! when my son needed a dresser because his broke I told his father that I was going to buy one and I would like him to pay half since I only get 240 a month for child support and I have my son sunday night till Friday night. He said that was fine but...then one night when his stepmom droped off my son she said she bought my son a dresser and wanted to bring it buy. this upset me because she didn't ask if I already bought one or anything. When I told my ex and his new wife that I bought one already and wanted him to pay half he said no and told me I better return the one I bought. These are things that keeping happening. a few weekends ago she gave my son multi-vitiams which concerns me because my son has had medical problems with food and stuff I felt she should have called me to find out if he was already on one first before she just gave him one so he was taking two. When I told her how I find that wrong that she didn't concult me she said its her right as his stepmom to give him them if she wants. Now she won't let me take my son trick or treating at all she says she is going to take him and if I want to come I can. Every year my son and myself always get together and make his costume well....without talking to me she went on on Saturday and bought him one. This upsets me because again she did not talk to me and see if I already got him one or anything. she is not finding out if my son and I already have something we do every year which I find we should keep the same for his sake. We need to keep it as stable as we can. I really feel like she is over stepping her bounds. Does anyone have any idea's what I can do. Oh not to mention his father always talks bad about me and calls me names infront of our son just because he knows it pisses me off. He now does not call or write his son at my house because he doesn't want to. He only does that at his new wifes house which I find very sad because I know if it was me I would be calling my son every day. Is there any way I can open my ex's eyes to see the bigger picture and the new wife to see how she is over stepping her lines? Oh we are also in the middle of a custody battle. He wants his wife to get full custody of our son while he is gone. Which I find sad since I have been the one there for my son for 7 years now. I have never left my moms side. My son even tells me all the time how he doesn't want to go over to his step moms house. He runs and hides every time he sees her because he does not want to go. I have to make him go which brakes my heart and also concerns me that there is more going on. If you have any advice please let me know you can write me on here or at ____@____.com

Has the party actually happened? If it hasn't there is still time to air a couple of things out. AS far as the other things go, I do not totally agree that you should have a separate visit with father of child, that can make things nastier, in step-mom's eyes that will be a complete violation to her and she might get nasty and use father to do some additional dirty work.I know, the other posters are really nicer than I am but we are not living in a perfect world. Step mom sounds like she's in charge of more than just your daughter.But you want to keep her in your camp. Right now she just sounds manipulative. And you know he will go tell her everything, so it sometimes gets to be two against one. So if there is some way to negotiate this by getting them to do it your way try to do so. You have lots of other birthdays coming up.

I am a stepmom myself. I do think they should not plan something like that on your weekend. That is wrong. Dad and you should be the main planners, decision makers, and disciplinarians. Stepmom does sound like she is overstepping her boundaries. Also, from my perspective it does sound like you consult too much on the little things, and although it is a nice gesture, it may be too much and you don't really need to do that. I would speak to the dad first, and since you are lucky enough to get along well with the stepmom, you can talk to her as well. I do not think there is anything wrong with them planning and doing things with the daughter without you as long as it is on their time and is positive and appropriate. Your time with your daughter needs to be respected by them, and your role as the mom needs to be respected by the stepmom. Hopefully the stepmom will be reasonable about this, as the main person any arguing will hurt is your daughter, and I hope she considers her first.

I have had the experience of Stepmom. The authority the stepmom has is determined by what your ex allows. The party may have been scheduled on the wrong weekend, this is inconsiderate. I think the inconsideration of you in the plans bothers you the most. There should be no restriction to you letting her(stepmom) know it was inconsiderate. This inconsiderate act could lead to other acts of disrespect from your daughter. When your daughter is visiting at the other household, rules of that house apply. Your daughter should be well aware of what those are.
Manners and respect should be supported at both households and include all adults involved.

How long has step-mom been in her life? I guess I am wondering if she is just really going over the top to impress your daughter or create a bond with her?

You mention that the father was absent in her life? Could the SM be trying to make up for all the stuff dad didn't do in the past?

Third, I wonder if this new role of the SM has changed your relationship with your ex and if you are not happy with it? Perhaps you feel she is 'butting in' on the working relationship you have with your ex?

I agree that he should take charge..but his past has shown you he is not capable of that, and most likely he leaves your daughter in the care of SM. Trying to align with him might get you know where.....only you know if he can step up to the plate.

Otherwise I think getting a good communicating relationship with SM is your best bet. Sounds as if she is in charge. Let her know you want to work together and find what you can agree on. You have to realize you cannot 'disarm' her at her own house if dad isn't doing his role. Come together and share notes about what works for your daughter, what you have learned, who her friends are, etc. IF you both love her, her welfare should be the common goal, and since you both will have different access to her life, you need to work together to inform each other, and so she knows how to navigate more of the difficult things such as boys, peer pressure and grades, etc and not how to get all of her parents to love her the same.

I know this will be hard, but you have to let go and perhaps rethink how you communicate/relate to your ex. Do all this for your daughter(s), not for him.

Your daughter will not forget how much YOU'VE done for her in the past, or how hard you will work for her benefit now. YOU are her mother!

Stop being a wimp. This woman has not yet learned that she has no rights. Mothers have rights, Fathers have rights, Step Mom/Dad have NO rights so stay the hell out of the decision-making. You and your ex need to have a court appointed mediation regarding rules in both homes with both parents only no stepparents allowed. If for instance they allow her to sleep in because she went to bed late then that makes it harder for you to wake her up for school every day thus an agreeable time for bedtime is needed. You did not give us the breakdown of the custody but if you have full custody then I don’t see a problem with the party just don’t let her go and continue with the original plans if her father doesn’t like it then let him do something special for her when it is his turn with her. If you are not the main custodial parent then pick up your daughter with the police even if it means making a scene at the restaurant. It is against the law for parents to interfere with visitation in the state of Illinois, which clearly they are doing. I know that most people will quickly jump to the”this is not what’s best for the child” defense but we do not live in Disney Land (wish we did but, we don’t) and if you do this believe me she will think twice before interfering again. I read some of the other responses you have gotten especially from those stepmoms saying that it is hard to run their household if they are not able to discipline the child, to them I say you knew what you were getting into when you got married this child did not just pop out of thin air. Stepparents need to start learning that this child is not visiting a random strangers house when they come over they are coming to their other biological parents home and thus another member of that household (like it or not). Therefore, if they have a problem with the child they are sitting for then send them to their parent for discipline. I know it is best to be friendly with all people involved in raising your child but in being friendly let us not forget that the Parents need to be the ones making the decisions without the influence of their current spouse, and that stepparents need to be enforcing the parent’s rules. Things in this world would be so much better if stepmom/dad would just remember that they are only one more adult role model in a Childs’ life that just so happens to be sleeping with the biological parent of that child and should not try to take a parental role.

T.,
I am on both sides of this fence. I am a stepmom AND i deal with the step mother of my girls as well. We also all get along fairly well, but we are not without our issues.
You didnt mention if the party included all your relitives as well, or is it just for dad and step moms sides of the family...if thats the case, leave it there. tell them you would appreicate in the future if they ask to switch weekends, because you may have had plans for your daughter (that weekend), and would like to avoid any conflicts like that.
We have always done separate birthday things with all our girls, until last year when stepdaughters mom decided to include us in her b-day party. Had she not, we would have just done our own, as we had in the past.
I understand the rule thing on both sides as well. I do not consult my ex on most things....mostly because he doesnt really care, however if something is happening on HIS time with the kids, i let him know ASAP and clear it with him first.. its never been a problem.
I do 90% of the discipline in our home, and that includes my stepdaughter. She has been with me since she was 15 months old, so it may be a little different for us. (she is 5 now) Her mom and i do not agree on HOUSE RULES, we parent very different, i am one against 4 here, where she only had one child to deal with, so our family dynamics are way different, but ive talked to her and told her if she has a problem with something we are doing to let me know, so we can decided on whats right and best for SD.
I would also suggest that you speak to both of them, not just the ex. She is going to be a part of your daughters life. I do understand the IM THE MOM, not her stuff...believe me, i get that. BUT to leave her out will result in resentments, and in the end, it will be your daughter who ends up feeling that the most. Also by including her, you also show that you value her in your childs life, appreciate what she does, just have some things to work out.
the reality of it is a child can never have too many people who love and care about them.
Good luck

i'm a stepmom i've been in my step daughters life since she was 8 now is 29. she was always a good kid with great study habits and never in trouble all around good. being a stepmom is hard you have the love to give but you know you have boundries that will upset others if they are crossed, it is really a tough position but you make the best of it . you know you'll never be mom all the way but in taking the position of married b4 with child you know that now this becomes a part in your life.... a big part . my step daughter had parties with my family and my husbands and her mother was never included. her mother had parties with her new spouse and her family us not included. i never gave it a second thought. you need to discuss your feelings with
them both . i'm sure she's in for the long haul but no one know what someone feels unless they are told it'll work out if she's a good person let her in a little. good luck

T., I am glad to hear that you and the step mom have a decent relationship. I think that helps and is good for the child to see. Is there a way for the two of you to meet for coffee and discuss that you felt you should have been/needed to be consulted about the birthday party as it was planned on a weekend when they did not have visitation? I say this because I would hope that my husband's ex would do that with me if I stepped over a line like this (we too have a decent relationship)

I am a new stepmom myself and I know, and have been told by many, that I have no rights in terms of discipline or decision making. My husband is the one who does all of that and I have no part. Now I have to say that he and I talk about what is going on and how he is going to deal with it, he will occaisionally ask for my input, but all of it has to come through him. So maybe in that sense you need to sit down with your ex and let him know that you feel concerned that the Step mom is being too involved in certain aspects(I will be the first to admit that at times it is a fine line that we walk as a stepparent, but I try to err on the side of caution because I don't want to be pushy/overbearing, but I would like the chance to bond with the kids). It is hard for both sides and I can't imagine that it ever becomes easy, but open communication helps and it she doesn't respond well to it then you know that you tried and that next time some other avenue will have to be taken.

I hope this helps and I hope that the situation gets worked out for the best. Good Luck.
D.