Question About Step Parents

If she's a good step mom, I think it's actually a good thing for her to be involved. You don't need to be threatened by it unless she is undermining you.

So what if hte mother is a good mom and an involved mom? Does that mean that another "mom" is a negative thing for a child? I am re-married and I can only hope that one day my daughter will be lucky enough to have a step-mother who loves her and treats her as if she were her own. I say this from 2 points of view, by the way. I am a child of divorce, and divorced myself. If you re-marry, would you expect your new husband to treat your daughter as a friend or uncle? I would certainly hope that he would play the role of a parent in your home...otherwise, you will be in a world of trouble because he will have no authority over your daughter. Be thankful your ex's new wife is accepting of your daughter and loves her. It could be worse...she could treat your daughter like an outsider and make life for your daughter miserable when she visits her dad :)

I am assuming that you are not remarried? If you were, would you want your daughter and new husband to have a relationship? Would you want him to be a part of helping to raise her?

My parents were divorced and both my parents remarried. It is a blessing to have 2 sets of parents. I call my step dad, dad and my step mom, mom.

If this woman is a woman of good morals, if she works ith your ex to ensure that your daughter is growing into a responsible, respectable young lady, if she doesn't bad mouth you, then whywould you be upset?

I would think that it would be better for your daughter if this womanloved her and cared for her and wanted to be active in her life, then to hate her and see her as an obstacle in her way.

You seem like a mom who loves her daughter. Please don't be threatened by another woman loving your child. You are her mother. You carried her, bore her and have raised her through sickness and health. Nothing can change that. Nothing will take her love away from you. You should be happy that you raised a girl so wonderful that another woman can love her as easily as you do.

I love my biological mother and father. But, I am blessed to have a wonder step mother and step father too.

As a step mom, I can speak from experience. First off I would like to commend you for being a super involved and good mom. I wish that my step son had that in his own mom. While I do not try to replace her and remain neutral with her. I do struggle with letting her upset me etc. As far as being a step parent, I struggled for a long time to find my place. I am a preschool teacher and I absolutely love children. They are normally drawn to me and my step son was 3 1/2 when he first met me. He did not like me for a long time. I just kept being patient, showing him that I am a good person and now he is 10. We have developed a good relationship. I love and care a bout him very much! Many children don't have anyone that truly loves and cares for them. Be glad that your daughter has lots of love in her life! P.s. I totally understand being jealous and bothered by it, after all we are women aren't we! Divorce and seperation with children create lots of stresses but, the more we can act like adults and set good examples for our children the better. :) P.s. my step son calls me by my first name and refers to me as his step mom

If things went sour with my husband and he divorced me and remarried, I would honestly prefer for him to find a wife who mothers my daughter in addition to me. Extra love isn't a bad thing, is it?

And they're married now. They're one flesh, united. That means that she's a parent, too. I'd rather see a responsible parent than an irresponsible one any day. Would you prefer one who did not care enough about her to stop her from doing stupid things when she's over there? Would you prefer one who has no respect for how wonderful she is and would rather not be involved with her? If she welcomes and loves your dd, that's better for your dd. If she were uninterested it your child would feel rejected and that would hurt.

I'm not saying I wouldn't be jealous. I would. But what I like isn't what's good for baby.

As a woman who married a step-dad to my then 11-yo daughter, he became part of a family unit, he wanted to love and respect my daughter, he wanted her love and respect in return for all he was willing to do for her, and we all wanted a comfortable and happy family life.

This was troubling for my daughter for a few years, because she had tremendous loyalty to her father, and didn't know how to sort out the two father figures emotionally. She behaved toward step-dad in various difficult but understandable ways. Her father, who was resentful of the step-dad, provoked quite a lot of distress in his child out of sheer jealousy. And of course, it was troubling to my second husband. He was just plugging along patiently, doing his best and hoping for love.

I'm sure you want your daughter's happiness, L.. And I'm sure it is exquisitely painful to contemplate any other woman nurturing your daughter in a motherly way. Those two ideas are in conflict, and it is up to you to find out which is more important to you. If your daughter's peace and happiness turn out to be what you want the most, you have some work to do on your own understandable discomfort. I wish you the best.

I have a gut wrenching feeling reading your post. My ex and his girlfriend are moving in together and I wonder about her role. I met her early on in their relationship and as level headed as I appear, my claws are under the surface when it comes to my daughter. I say I want as much love for her in her life as possible, but its as long as I choose the people. The girlfriend seems like a good person, but I have this overwhelming, not necessarily rational, need to scream I AM HER MOTHER.

The rational side of me says, most step parents don't necessarily know that role, and do the best they can. I don't know your relationship w/ your ex but you can always state your expectations as a previous poster suggested. Really, what a strange role! Wanting to be great for the kid out of love for the dad, genuine connection with the child, lack of regard for the mother esp if she does not have children herself. I know I didn't know the crazy, powerful connection between mother and child before I had mine.

Sometimes it has to be delineated, sometimes with time the relationship evolves, for both you/step, step/child.

Best to you! Not loving this situation myself,

Jen

There seems to be a lot of step parent questions out today. From a step parent perspective, I did not want to take the place of the mom who in my case was not around. But in general women are the nurturer and the caretaker and a lot of dads take a back seat to this responsibility. The step mom probably is just taking care of your daughter because she is there in her care. How was the father at taking care of your daughter before the wife came along? Is he a hands on dad? She may be pushing a little too hard and may need to back off. She may just want to impress you that she can take care of your daughter as well as you can. Is there really a role for step parenting? Why can't we all love and nurture these children to happy loving adults. If you would like for her to be less involved maybe you all should sit down and talk about boundaries and what would make everyone feel comfortable. Being a parent is hard but being a step parent is the hardest role ever to be in. Either you don't care about the step child or you care too much. It is a fine line and most people can't get along well enough to figure out a good solution for the children. Just my opinion.

To answer your question...The role of a Step-mother is to be a mother figure to that child. Some choose to be the friend, but most do not. Most do take on the mother role. i would suggest a "coffee talk" with her. Try and see if you can lay some ground rules--ones you both can agree upon.

Say--no piercing ears w/o consulting, or makeup rules, or lengths of skirts, dating, cutting hair, or what ever you feel is something that should be agreed upon...

No matter if you are very involved, or not--this is the job she signed up for when marrying your ex. And this is something you will have to resolve yourself to.

This is a hard one, I am a step mom, but my son also has a soon to be step mom. In my situation, my step son's mom is a neglectful mom so I feel the need to step in and be the mom that he is supposed to have. Loving, Caring, fun. My step son is not very loving towards females due to the fact that his mom has never really shown him the love that a mother should. My son on the other hand has always been my lil partner. We are together all the time and I couldn't imagine my life with out him in it. His father gets him usually every weekend every other month. It took me a while to get over the fact that there is someone there acting like his mother. But now that I have gotten to know her, it comforts me to know that he is being taken care of at his fathers house and she looks to it that he follows the schedule he has at home. She has asked me questions on what he likes to eat, his sleeping habits and so on. Just give her a chance. I also tell my son that he is super special because he has so many people that love and care for him. The better the relationship you have with the Step parent the easier it is going to be for your child to deal with it.

In a perfect world the adults involved could be mature enough to sit down together and define these rolls in the best interest of the child.

With that said, perhaps you could take the new step mom to lunch and discuss roles and expectations of each other, and maybe agree to do it as needed while the family adjusts to having a new person in it.

This situation is always sticky, and no mom out there wants to share her child, just keep in mind what is best for your daughter and try to work toward that goal. My best wishes to you.

I think you ought to be happy that she wants to be involved and show her love when you're not around, rather than ignoring or failing to acknowledge your daughter as part of the family, which could have been the other option. I have dated people who did not want to be a part of my daughter's life, sadly, and you and your ex-husband should feel happy he found someone who wants to be there and help out. By marrying, she will become your daughter's father's wife, so she automatically fills in the role of stepmom, but she can be a stepmom who does nothing to influence your daughter, or a stepmom who shows her right from wrong and spends time with her, checking to make sure she doesn't do anything crazy or dangerous. I know you may be feeling a bit jealous, but the more people your daughter has in her life, the better. Think of her as a temp mom, who mothers her when she's at her dad's and you cannot be there. Or an assistant to you, who covers for you whenever you can't. Who knows, you two may become friends and can co-parent your daughter, and do fun "girl's day out" activities, all 3 of you. Have you seen the movie Stepmom with Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon? That might help you understand dynamics and the need to be open to a new person in your daughter's life, even when you're a very good, loving, involved mother.

My children came from a broken marriage. For the longest time there was no other mom involved. One day my ex found someone and remarried. My children after a while asked me if they could call her by her name i.e. mom Jane. I wasn't offended. However she did try to play the mom roll but it didn't work. I even quite often said to them, when she got mad or whatever and told them they had to listen to her, their answer was "your not my mom". They didn't mind calling her Mom Jane but that was the limit. The same as my husband with them. First it was dad Joe then dad which stuck for quite some time. Out of the 2 the daughter still calls him dad, the other one is just Joe. Their father was in their lives visiting wknds. etc. but they always knew who their mother was, and of course I loved them dearly, did everything for them. I don't believe that this step-mom should be sticking her nose in like she had born them herself. This is something that should be taken up with your ex. However, I do believe that your daughter will stop calling her mom. You explain as well to your daughter that she only has one mom, which is only fair. Perhaps this new one in your ex's life has told her that she has to call her mom, I know mine did and thats' an absolute no,no. If the child wants to fine, but they should never be forced and she shouldn't be around where you are with your child. She is your blood, not hers. I wish you the best and I know how broken hearted you must feel, but believe me, this will not carry on.
Take care, make sure to ask your daughter, its my bet that she asked her!!

Hi L., I am not certain how I would feel to be perfectly honest, but really you have to get over it. You have a woman who seems to be by your own words good to your daughter. Why would you want it any other way? Unless of course you have not expressed what she has done wrong. If all she is doing is being involved in your daughter's life, what's so wrong about that?

Since they will be sharing the same home, shouldn't they be a family? It is only unfortunate that you and the X didn't make it together, but your child is entitled to a happy home and a good person in her life, whether it be your new husband or your X-husband's new wife.

I can only tell you my experience as the step mom role, although we were not married. We ALL, my child, his child, him, her mother, and me had no problem greeting each other in the airport and walking to the terminal together. There were no scoffs from either one of us. At Christmas, the mother surprisingly took her shopping for my Christmas present. They knew I loved photos, so they bought me an angel covered photo album and an angel molded candle.

My daughters step mom was. and still is, a wonderful influence in her life. She has loved her even when my daughter stole their neighbors van and went joy riding at 13 years of age on a weekend visit, she has loved her every day of her life, even now she can sit down with my daughter and talk to her and get her to open up about anything. I cherish the guidance she has given my child and the skills she taught her about cooking and cleaning house. My ex's husband has been an awesome influence in my whole family. She got Christmas in April to redo my mom's house. She works hard, loves everyone with joy and humbleness, takes care of her loved ones, and goes out of her way to open her arms to everyone she can.

They can be one of your greatest allies. If she loves your child then you have another person on this planet willing to love and cherish your child.

Sorry for the late response here - I've just turned the computer on for the first time in 2 days. Too tired to read all of the responses right now - but I will tomorrow. For my 2 cents worth - I'm sorry that you have to experience this, but since you do - you might as well make the best situation out of it that you can. If I were in your shoes - it would be a bitter pill to swallow for sure, but I would hope with all my heart that the stepmother would be kind to my daughter, and treat her as if she were her own, and if she has children of her own - treat them equally. It would be a nightmare if she didn't. I guess that I would hope that when Dad is there - that she defer to him for major decisions and discipline etc.... but in the event that he isn't, treat her with respect, love, generosity and kindness, and make decisions in the best interest of the child and what she truly believes that the parents would want. It's interesting that I saw this post today. Yesterday - Oprah had Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith on, (+ all 3 kids) and they were talking about this very subject. Will's oldest son is from a previous marriage, and his mother and her husband were there also. I don't know if you can view Oprah's episodes online, but if you didn't catch it yesterday, see if you can watch online - I think you would find their take on the situation very interesting....I certainly did! Good luck!

Hi L....lots of great advice from these step-moms.
I met my step-mom when I was 5. And she was in my life as my, "second mom" until she passed 5 years ago. She was my step-mom for 23 years. She was fun and playful and clearly loved me very much. She was respectful of my parents discipline as well. She did not try to be my mother but rather tried to support my parents. While my mother and she were never good friends, they were both very respectful of one another and I never heard either one say anything but positive comments about one another.
I know it is so difficult to not be the only woman in your daughters life now, I completely get that and that is where your hesitation to accept this woman comes from but you have to look at it as a partner situation. She's going to be apart of her life forever (ideally) and you will be a parenting team because of that. You have to be.
My advise as a child of four parents essentially (step-dad too) is to take a deep breath and let your daughter establish a relationship with her step-mom. She will never be her Mom. You have to know that. But they need to bond too. It helps so much for your daughter to know you support that as well. She will not feel torn or as if she's doing something wrong by developing feelings towards this other woman. Love. That's all it is. The more a kid has the better. You're very fortunate to have such an ammicable situation. Take advantage of it!

L.,

Your question is a valid one. I am a Step-Mom and my children have a Step-Mom (my ex-best friend....another day...I promise).

I am happy to hear that you are an active Mom as am I, in my case my husband has primary custody of his daughter. So she is with me more than her mother. That makes me "bad cop", b/c I enforce rules...etc..

Your child's step-mother is to be another adult that will influence their life. She may be nervous and trying to be more involved etc..

I guarantee you she is really trying to come from the right place.

Maybe you need to have coffee with her...at least try.

You are your child's mother....no one can replace you. Remember that....be open....welcome the help.

Contact me if you'd like...I am here for ya!

A.
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I have a step father who came into my life when I was 5. My biological father was absent from most of my life. I resented calling my biological father's new wife mom so I called her "Aunt." Unfortunately my mother did not understand my disdain towards my step father and calling him daddy felt foreign so I called him "dad" and even that didn't feel right. My step father was the father to me that my real dad never was. It's a relationship that cannot be forced. Is your daughter old enough for you to talk to her and ask her what she would feel comfortable calling her soon to be step mother? Open communication is very important. She is very much involved in this situation, so how she feels MUST be considered and if she feels okay calling her step mom, "mom," then you have to be okay with it and not make her feel that she is wrong for feeling this way. This situation is about your daughter's feelings. Not yours, or our ex's or the soon to be step mom. You and your ex and the soon to be new wife need to sit down with your daughter and talk about this, openly; discuss your concerns, bring them to the table with love for your child. I would say the step parent's role is to be one who supports the spouse. Discipline should fall upon the "real" parent and the step parent's role is to support. She has authority to enforce rules that have already been enforced. She can be that go-between when dad's rules seem to harsh and she can intervene by saying, "maybe you should reconsider." Your daughter has an obligation to show this new "parent" respect just like anyone else. She should not be forced to call her mom if it doesn't feel right. The bottom line is that the step parent WILL be involved in your daughter's life and this new relationship will take time to get used to and if she's lucky, she'll have a great mom and dad who get along and she'll make a lifelong friend with the step mom.

In my eyes a step Mom should act the same as if it were her own child. Love them and do for them the same as if they gave birth to them. I think it is great if your daughter and her new step Mom can get along. Would you rather she treat her bad? My niece and nephew have several step Mom's and love them all. They all play a special role in their lives. Even after my brothers divorce the step Mom's remained a part of their lives. My nephew has three children and they are so lucky to have so many Grandma's. Let your daughter make her own decision about the new Mom in her life. If you pass judgement on what the step Mom does in the end it could end up not only hurting your daughter but turning her against you. I think it would be great if the step Mom plays a role as Mom...If it were my daughter that would be my wish for them.

Hi, well i'm a step mom and I believe that I am very involved but in a good way. My husband and I have been together for almost 8 years now and my step daughter was 3 when we met. At first I keep my distance with how involved I was but little by little I think you need to be more involved if not I think the child feels as if you don't care and only think of your own. We have three other children one from my previous marriage and two together. Her mother is very involved and a good parent as well but it doesn't mean that I cannot be that second mom or step mom. I want to always be there for her and want her to know that she can always come to me as well. Actually her mom and I get along very well we actually deal with eachother more than with my husband. It should be an open relationship where everyone can communicate well with eachother. You are lucky to have someone in your childs life that cares about being involved and wanting to be that second mom. You will never be replaced just appreciate what you have as long as she doesn't do anything in a harmful way against you be thankful. Good luck.

Hi L.,
I am a step-parent. My step-daughter lives in AZ, so I only get to see her once a year or so. I met her when she was 6, she will be 21 this year. I told her back then, that I would never try to take the place of her mother, but that I would always be there for her. Her mother is a good mother & I respect her. I don't think I would of been any different if she lived near by. I always liked spending time with her & would have wanted to be with her more if she was around here. My problem was that my soon to be ex-husband, her father, didn't want me to have much of anything to do with her. I am a good mother, our daughter is her 1/2 sister. I will always love my step-daughter, but I am not sure how much involvement I can have in her life now that I am divorcing her father.
Good Luck to you!
V.